On the Couch with Gail Saltz, M.D. | A Mental Health Blog at iVillage.com
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On May 23rd, I will be doing a segment on the Today show on how difficult it is to answer some of your kid's questions on sex. Actually, for some parents it's difficult to bring anything related to sex and bodies up with their child. Some parents have trouble broaching the subject; others are great until their adolescent asks them if oral sex is really sex. Whether it's naming body parts, starting "the talk" or answering those tricky questions later about intercourse, sexually transmitted diseases or when it is OK to engage in sexual activity.
I would like to hear your questions! Please leave a comment with your questions about how to discuss sex and sexuality with your child. In addition if you have any particularly tricky moments that stumped you, please write them down too. I will try to cover as many as possible in the 8 o'clock hour of the Today show on May 23rd.
Leave your questions or concerns as a comment below!
Please remember that when you post a comment to this blog, your comment and the name under which you submit it may be viewed by the public.
More from Gail Saltz
I would like to hear your questions! Please leave a comment with your questions about how to discuss sex and sexuality with your child. In addition if you have any particularly tricky moments that stumped you, please write them down too. I will try to cover as many as possible in the 8 o'clock hour of the Today show on May 23rd.
Leave your questions or concerns as a comment below!
Please remember that when you post a comment to this blog, your comment and the name under which you submit it may be viewed by the public.
More from Gail Saltz
Most women have sometime in their sexual lives faked an orgasm. Not only that but they also have likely faked being aroused in the first place, or possibly faked experiencing what their partner is doing as feeling good. There are many reasons women fake it. Most women will tell you it is to please their partner. Women feel tremendous pressure to preserve their partner’s ego and fear he will be crushed if they don’t appear to orgasm. Women also think that in order to hold onto their man (keep him from finding a more satisfying partner) they have to appear very hot in bed which they believe translates into having an orgasm all the time. Some women fake it for other reasons. Many women are self conscious about the amount of time it takes them to climax. Rather than being uninhibited about how long, how much stimulation and what kind they need, a woman may chose to just fake it and not have to “expose” her needs to her partner. There is also a group of women who really don’t know how to have an orgasm. They feel very inhibited and have not been able to explore what work for them, let alone tell or show a partner how to help them climax. This group will often fake orgasms to avoid revealing what feels like a “defect” in their body or sexuality.
The problem with faking it is that it becomes a real vicious cycle. Once you fake it, he thinks he is satisfying you and therefore has no reason to try new things or ask you what would feel better…after all you appear to be feeling about as good as it gets. In the meantime, you may be feeling increasingly angry at missing out as well as hopeless about ever getting to experience what you are missing. The angrier and more dejected you feel during sex, the less likelihood you have of feeling truly connected to the sexual experience. As you distance yourself your chances of being really aroused diminish.
Should you ever fake it? In a nutshell, NO! Some women describe on occasion that they don’t feel like expending the energy it may take them to have an orgasm on a particular night. In this case, tell him that orgasms are not the end all be all for you and that sometimes the closeness and intimacy of sex is just what you are in the mood for. In other words, be honest. So what can you do if you have been faking it in your relationship and now feel stuck?
1. Come clean without hurting him. If you say, “You know all our great sex for the last decade, well I’ve been faking it…” you will really devastate him. I don’t recommend that. Instead tell him you have been having more difficulty achieving orgasm lately and would like to experiment with some new things. Then stop moaning and screaming unless you really feel that aroused. Next you have to tell him what you think would be worth trying to see if it works.
2. Give specific directions. If he has been left in the dark you really have to give him specific directions. “To the right, that’s great, a little softer…” The man cannot read your mind so tell him or show him what works.
3. Give yourself more time. It does take more time for many women and if you are in some race to beat the clock you probably will cave in and fake it. If you ask him, he’d probably say he would be happy to work at it with you all night. Many women think things like.. “he must be getting bored.” Or “he’s wondering what’s wrong with me”. These are your thoughts ladies, not his. Most men find sex to be loads and loads of fun and would be very pleased to spend as much time stimulating you as you would like.
4. Educate yourself. If you don’t know how to stimulate yourself, it will be difficult to tell him how to. First learn how to touch yourself and reach orgasm then you will be able to show him what works.
5. Communicate. Tell him that orgasm is not the only goal for you in lovemaking and that sometimes you are really quite content to enjoy the affection and closeness. Make it clear you will let him know if you do want to have an orgasm and that you will help him to help you. In the end truly pleasing you will bring both of more pleasure and closeness.
Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.
The problem with faking it is that it becomes a real vicious cycle. Once you fake it, he thinks he is satisfying you and therefore has no reason to try new things or ask you what would feel better…after all you appear to be feeling about as good as it gets. In the meantime, you may be feeling increasingly angry at missing out as well as hopeless about ever getting to experience what you are missing. The angrier and more dejected you feel during sex, the less likelihood you have of feeling truly connected to the sexual experience. As you distance yourself your chances of being really aroused diminish. Should you ever fake it? In a nutshell, NO! Some women describe on occasion that they don’t feel like expending the energy it may take them to have an orgasm on a particular night. In this case, tell him that orgasms are not the end all be all for you and that sometimes the closeness and intimacy of sex is just what you are in the mood for. In other words, be honest. So what can you do if you have been faking it in your relationship and now feel stuck?
1. Come clean without hurting him. If you say, “You know all our great sex for the last decade, well I’ve been faking it…” you will really devastate him. I don’t recommend that. Instead tell him you have been having more difficulty achieving orgasm lately and would like to experiment with some new things. Then stop moaning and screaming unless you really feel that aroused. Next you have to tell him what you think would be worth trying to see if it works.
2. Give specific directions. If he has been left in the dark you really have to give him specific directions. “To the right, that’s great, a little softer…” The man cannot read your mind so tell him or show him what works.
3. Give yourself more time. It does take more time for many women and if you are in some race to beat the clock you probably will cave in and fake it. If you ask him, he’d probably say he would be happy to work at it with you all night. Many women think things like.. “he must be getting bored.” Or “he’s wondering what’s wrong with me”. These are your thoughts ladies, not his. Most men find sex to be loads and loads of fun and would be very pleased to spend as much time stimulating you as you would like.
4. Educate yourself. If you don’t know how to stimulate yourself, it will be difficult to tell him how to. First learn how to touch yourself and reach orgasm then you will be able to show him what works.
5. Communicate. Tell him that orgasm is not the only goal for you in lovemaking and that sometimes you are really quite content to enjoy the affection and closeness. Make it clear you will let him know if you do want to have an orgasm and that you will help him to help you. In the end truly pleasing you will bring both of more pleasure and closeness.
Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.
A surprising new study indicates that having too many choices may actually be bad for you. Expert Dr. Gail Saltz was on the Today Show to talk about the drain of decision-making.
Watch the segment from TODAY
Consumers often have the overwhelming sensation of having too much choice in the grocery store: do I pick tartar control toothpaste, whitening toothpaste, minty flavor, and does any of it matter in terms of getting clean teeth? The recent study shows that a simple everyday decision such as that can actually tax your brain, and leave you with less energy to do other things.
Do you find it difficult to make choices? Leave a comment below.
Related content from Dr. Gail Saltz:
Do you find it difficult to make choices? Leave a comment below.
Related content from Dr. Gail Saltz:
I hear often from both men and women who say that they have abandoned their sex lives as a result of the loss of attraction to a mate who has gained significant amounts of weight. Weight gain can, in certain instances, be a result of a medical problem, but more often than not it is an emotional or psychological issue that keeps a person unable to either diet or exercise enough to keep weight off.
Watch the segment from TODAY
The issue of attraction to one’s partner is very complicated and rarely is it simply a reaction only to weight gain. Spouses not making the effort to lose weight may be doing so because they are already unhappy in the relationship, they are avoiding sex and intimacy, they are depressed for other reasons or they really have no idea how their mate feels because it has not been discussed. A partner can make a huge difference in one’s ability to lose weight, as well as getting in the way of dieting. That does not mean it is the partner’s fault if the mate doesn't lose weight, but it does mean the partner can act as an ally and help the situation, or they can be a saboteur and block dieting. Bringing junk food into the house, encouraging indulgence, eating high calorie foods in front of your partner and being inactive together are methods of inhibiting weight loss for your partner.
I got a huge amount of email from readers on this topic with responses ranging from:
The responses ranged from one end of the spectrum all the way to the other BUT the anger for almost all responses was quite palpable. Both "sides" were actually quite enraged, at each other for their opinion, and at me for not voicing their opinion. The problem was that you readers are not able to see my email and therefore you don't know about the other side of the argument.
So, I am posting this today because it seems to me this is both a common and heated problem and perhaps it would be helpful for each of you to talk about and hear the other side.
Post your comments here and try to be constructive, because it is helping your mate to understand how each side feels that creates empathy. It is empathy that allows one to feel understood and allows one to make real headway in communicating. It is real communication that makes change possible.
Related content from Dr. Gail Saltz:
I got a huge amount of email from readers on this topic with responses ranging from:
- Marriage is for better or worse and it is unacceptable to leave a partner due to lack of attraction or sex.
- Beauty comes from within and it shouldn't matter what you weigh.
to
- Men are visual creatures and can't be expected to be attracted to an obese woman; he should leave her.
- If you care about your partner and yourself you should lose the weight.
The responses ranged from one end of the spectrum all the way to the other BUT the anger for almost all responses was quite palpable. Both "sides" were actually quite enraged, at each other for their opinion, and at me for not voicing their opinion. The problem was that you readers are not able to see my email and therefore you don't know about the other side of the argument.
So, I am posting this today because it seems to me this is both a common and heated problem and perhaps it would be helpful for each of you to talk about and hear the other side.
Post your comments here and try to be constructive, because it is helping your mate to understand how each side feels that creates empathy. It is empathy that allows one to feel understood and allows one to make real headway in communicating. It is real communication that makes change possible.
Related content from Dr. Gail Saltz:
- Do Your Friends Make You Fat?
- Emotional Eating
- Marriage S.O.S.
- When Your Partner Has A Wandering Eye
Dr. Gail Saltz was on the Today Show to talk about the connection between your partner and your weight. Is your partner making you fat? A recent study shows how much your significant other can have to do with your diet. Gail Saltz and nutritionist Joy Bauer have details.
Watch the segment from TODAY
What do you think? Do you think your partner contributes to weight gain? Is there a connection? Leave a comment below!
Related content from Dr. Gail Saltz:
Related content from Dr. Gail Saltz:
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