On the Couch with Gail Saltz, M.D. | A Mental Health Blog at iVillage.com
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- On the Couch with Dr. Gail Saltz
Do you find yourself increasingly dreading the holidays? Do you find the shopping amongst hoards of desperate shoppers, the selecting of just the right gifts, the cooking of wonderful holiday treats and many get togethers of family and friends to be really less than joyful? How do you know if you are managing your extra work--and the inevitable anxiety that comes with having more to do and more excitement--or if you are suffering from so much holiday stress that you need to do something to handle your holiday time differently (or risk a true holiday melt down)!
Answer these few holiday stress questions to help you assess how stressed you are this holiday season:
- Do you feel so exhausted that holiday gatherings don't even sound like much fun?
- Do you worry that your holiday plans will not be special or wonderful enough for your friends or family?
- Do you feel like all the holiday details are all up to you?
- Do you find it difficult to enjoy the spirit of the holiday season?
- Are you increasingly forgetful, discombobulated or resentful during the holiday season?
- Are you secretly wishing it would all be over soon so you can get back to normal?
If you are answering yes to two or more of these questions than you may be overstressed over the holidays and need to take some action to relieve how you are feeling.
Try these tips for reducing your holiday stress:
Shorten the list and delegate. You cannot do everything, and to have an enjoyable holiday, everything does not have to get done. First decide the top several priorities, then start crossing off anything that is not an absolute must (baking more than one kind of cookie, having more than one holiday meal, going to every holiday party to which you are invited, getting the kids more than one thing). Next start delegating what is left. Generally women end up doing it all, and think they can't ask for help. Wrong. Give your partner a list of a few things he can do that will help (shop for two gifts, get out the decorations, do the grocery shopping).
Get realistic about family. Usually expectations for family reunions are too high which results in frustration and disappointment. Don't try to have everybody be "happy" all the time and don't plan loads of unstructured time where too much togetherness can lead to getting on each others nerves. If you do not have family to be with make plans early with friends so that you will not stress over being alone.
Be healthy. Exercise really helps with stress, as does eating and sleeping well. On the other hand drinking a lot of alcohol--which many people do more of when they are stressed to "relax"--will disrupt your sleep cycle and make you feel worse.
It is the thought that counts. Often perfectionism and competitiveness drives you to shop, shop, shop for gifts. This adds time, frustration, and spending too much money which will stress you financially. Then when everyone doesn't appreciate it all enough you will feel angry and disappointed. People want to know you thought of them and value them. That is the biggest gift of all so avoid going crazy with the presents.
Remember the true meaning of the holiday. Whether it is about time you cherish together, religious observance, reflection on your life and future goals. Think about the spirit of the holiday, talk to your kids about it, share that spirit with those you care about and let the trappings be optional. Take a few minutes each day to sit and think about what the holiday means to you.
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I spend a lot of this time of year talking about the stresses of the holiday. How preparing can make you anxious, how family members can drive you nuts, how some will suffer depression around this time. But thanksgiving is also an opportunity to give thanks... not for what you have, but for who you have.
Having people you love and who love you back is probably your most valuable asset. Strong relationships nourish you, provide support, allow you to give meaningfully and are a frequent source of joy. It is true that every relationship has its struggles and tough times but, generally speaking, effort put in equals enjoyment gotten out of it.
On this holiday many of you will be with people you love but don't get to see all the time. It's worth some extra effort to spend real time talking and listening, and also appreciating each other. You are making new memories to sustain you over the times apart and they build and grown that relationship. Take a minute to tell that person how thankful you are to have them in your life. It will make your thanksgiving really special.
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Having people you love and who love you back is probably your most valuable asset. Strong relationships nourish you, provide support, allow you to give meaningfully and are a frequent source of joy. It is true that every relationship has its struggles and tough times but, generally speaking, effort put in equals enjoyment gotten out of it.
On this holiday many of you will be with people you love but don't get to see all the time. It's worth some extra effort to spend real time talking and listening, and also appreciating each other. You are making new memories to sustain you over the times apart and they build and grown that relationship. Take a minute to tell that person how thankful you are to have them in your life. It will make your thanksgiving really special.
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35 children have been left at hospitals by parents in the last month under Nebraska's safe haven law. The law was made for parents of infants who were too overwhelmed to care for their baby, or young mothers who really did not want a baby and did not know where to turn. But what has been unearthed is that many parents who feel completely overwhelmed in caring for and supporting a child--even a teen--are leaving their kids at the hospitals.
An important fact is that 30 of these kids had a mental health diagnosis. This is the vast majority of the kids abandoned, even by some parents driving across state lines to leave their child. What it reminds us is that the services available for mental health care in general and particularly low-fee treatments are truly insufficient.
Part of the problem is that parents often don't know that their child has a mental health issue. Then, if they do know, the ability to find a psychiatrist that can be afforded, or the support network to help them manage are seriously lacking. Hence, it is not shocking that some parents who are feeling hopelessly overwhelmed are looking for ANY way out.
The plan is to repeal the law and make it applicable to infants only, but this will not solve the problem which has been uncovered. Many children suffer from mental health issues and many are very treatable. We need to work as a nation to expand both the information available and the services accessible to parents many of whom will have kids with a mental health issue of some sort.
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An important fact is that 30 of these kids had a mental health diagnosis. This is the vast majority of the kids abandoned, even by some parents driving across state lines to leave their child. What it reminds us is that the services available for mental health care in general and particularly low-fee treatments are truly insufficient.
Part of the problem is that parents often don't know that their child has a mental health issue. Then, if they do know, the ability to find a psychiatrist that can be afforded, or the support network to help them manage are seriously lacking. Hence, it is not shocking that some parents who are feeling hopelessly overwhelmed are looking for ANY way out.
The plan is to repeal the law and make it applicable to infants only, but this will not solve the problem which has been uncovered. Many children suffer from mental health issues and many are very treatable. We need to work as a nation to expand both the information available and the services accessible to parents many of whom will have kids with a mental health issue of some sort.
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This will no doubt be a very emotionally difficult holiday season, and most everyone will not be able to afford to buy whatever they did last year.
Holidays are often felt as celebrations requiring plenty of food, decorations and presents to make it special and fun. From Thanksgiving through Christmas stores will be providing tons of temptations with sales and kids doing their usual "PLEASE, can I have that?" The guilt from whatever you feel you have not gotten for your child (time with you, having more fun with them, past items you couldn't buy) may propel you further to desire buying more than you can afford.
Watch the segment from TODAY
Many of you will have shielded your child from what is happening in today's financial world in an attempt not to worry them, so your children might be shocked and very disappointed if the holidays are not like every other year. What can you do to deal with this unrealistic expectation? How you can assure them that the holidays will stay the same for your family?
1. Talk about it. When your kids don't know anything they cannot realign their expectations. You can tell them without terrifying them, and when you don't tell them you also are keeping the reality of it from yourself. Have a family pow-wow and discuss the changing economy, the impact on all families and that it means you too will be tightening your belt.
2. Agree on a family budget. Set amounts of money to be spent ahead of any shopping. Have a plan, get out the cash and go without any credit card to the store. This is a good year to get gifts that are needed rather than frivolous. Look over what the kids will need in the next 6 months and choose from that. This way there is a gift but you aren't spending any extra money you wouldn't spend anyway.
3. Shop when well rested, feeling decently and bring support. When you are tired, down or guilty you will spend more. Having a spouse or friend who has agreed to keep you in line will help you stick to the plan.
4. Focus on the "magic". The magical feeling of holidays do not come from lots of toys. It comes from specific childhood memories that you recreate for your own kids... something from your history that you make a tradition. Think back... perhaps its baking a special dessert together, putting up tree lights or singing Christmas carols.
5. Manage your expectations. Expectations have a lot to do with priorities. If you really think about it you will realize that you care more about relationships than you do about material stuff. Holiday happiness has more to do with feeling close to those you love. If everyone wrote a letter saying how they felt about each other (monetarily inexpensive, but emotionally costly) it would likely feel a whole lot better to read than ripping open the paper of yet another box.
Rethink what matters most to you and make the effort toward those that do.
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Holidays are often felt as celebrations requiring plenty of food, decorations and presents to make it special and fun. From Thanksgiving through Christmas stores will be providing tons of temptations with sales and kids doing their usual "PLEASE, can I have that?" The guilt from whatever you feel you have not gotten for your child (time with you, having more fun with them, past items you couldn't buy) may propel you further to desire buying more than you can afford.
Many of you will have shielded your child from what is happening in today's financial world in an attempt not to worry them, so your children might be shocked and very disappointed if the holidays are not like every other year. What can you do to deal with this unrealistic expectation? How you can assure them that the holidays will stay the same for your family?
1. Talk about it. When your kids don't know anything they cannot realign their expectations. You can tell them without terrifying them, and when you don't tell them you also are keeping the reality of it from yourself. Have a family pow-wow and discuss the changing economy, the impact on all families and that it means you too will be tightening your belt.
2. Agree on a family budget. Set amounts of money to be spent ahead of any shopping. Have a plan, get out the cash and go without any credit card to the store. This is a good year to get gifts that are needed rather than frivolous. Look over what the kids will need in the next 6 months and choose from that. This way there is a gift but you aren't spending any extra money you wouldn't spend anyway.
3. Shop when well rested, feeling decently and bring support. When you are tired, down or guilty you will spend more. Having a spouse or friend who has agreed to keep you in line will help you stick to the plan.
4. Focus on the "magic". The magical feeling of holidays do not come from lots of toys. It comes from specific childhood memories that you recreate for your own kids... something from your history that you make a tradition. Think back... perhaps its baking a special dessert together, putting up tree lights or singing Christmas carols.
5. Manage your expectations. Expectations have a lot to do with priorities. If you really think about it you will realize that you care more about relationships than you do about material stuff. Holiday happiness has more to do with feeling close to those you love. If everyone wrote a letter saying how they felt about each other (monetarily inexpensive, but emotionally costly) it would likely feel a whole lot better to read than ripping open the paper of yet another box.
Rethink what matters most to you and make the effort toward those that do.
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- More from Dr. Gail Saltz on money
- Financial advice from CNBC's Carmen Wong Ulrich
- 10 ways to help kids understand financial crisis
Times are just getting tougher and tougher. I am getting more calls from people who need help, and patients I work with are having more trouble now with anxiety, bad moods and tension in their relationships.
This is not surprising, because when resources become scarce, the fear of not being able to meet your own needs soars. What might be surprising though, is that some people are doing very well and are feeling pretty happy and above the fray. You would imagine they must be people who are not afraid of losing their jobs or who have money socked away, but you would be wrong.
The people who are faring the best are those whose priorities in life are less dependent on money. These people feel their relationships are the most valuable thing they have, and know that money (or lack of it) won't really change them. Some folks feel that they suffer less if they have people around whom they love and who love them. Also, people who have been through real hardship--particularly health difficulties and scares--have learned that if you have your health, you really do have everything important.
The silver lining in all of this is that many people are going to rethink their priorities. It's not too late to reexamine what is really most important to you in your life and feel appreciative for what you do have, rather than mourning what you don't. When happiness is studied, it is the quality of your relationships that bodes the best for long-term happiness.
Look around, truly see who is in your life and channel your energies into improving the relationships with those you care about. This is what will lead to a truly "rich" life, even in today's economy.
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This is not surprising, because when resources become scarce, the fear of not being able to meet your own needs soars. What might be surprising though, is that some people are doing very well and are feeling pretty happy and above the fray. You would imagine they must be people who are not afraid of losing their jobs or who have money socked away, but you would be wrong.
The people who are faring the best are those whose priorities in life are less dependent on money. These people feel their relationships are the most valuable thing they have, and know that money (or lack of it) won't really change them. Some folks feel that they suffer less if they have people around whom they love and who love them. Also, people who have been through real hardship--particularly health difficulties and scares--have learned that if you have your health, you really do have everything important.
The silver lining in all of this is that many people are going to rethink their priorities. It's not too late to reexamine what is really most important to you in your life and feel appreciative for what you do have, rather than mourning what you don't. When happiness is studied, it is the quality of your relationships that bodes the best for long-term happiness.
Look around, truly see who is in your life and channel your energies into improving the relationships with those you care about. This is what will lead to a truly "rich" life, even in today's economy.
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