On the Couch with Gail Saltz, M.D. | A Mental Health Blog at iVillage.com
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Many couples fight about money—it is the number-one source of arguing in the best of times. But now, in some of the worst financial times, money has become an even greater stress on couples.
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Couples who already had methods of communicating and compromising—gaining strength from each other and helping each other cope—are in better shape now than those who already had a rocky relationship. They are likely bringing those same skills to bear even as the stakes are higher. In fact, these couples may even find themselves feeling closer to each other and better about each other than before. They realize that together they can beat the battle better than alone, and they bring out each others' strengths.
Couples who have always struggled with talking, being secretive or even dishonest with each other are going to feel even worse with this new economic stress. They may find themselves unbearably stressed by the money secrets and totally alone about who to confide in. This loneliness can lead to depression and anxiety.
Now is the time to come clean about all money matters. Tell each other about debt, priorities, wishes, fears. Once the cards are on the table, you can start fresh on how to rebuild. Going forward, be honest with your partner and make money decisions as a team. Have conferences and make contingency plans on how you will act or spend for various scenarios. Having bailout plans of your own will make you feel less fearful of all the “what if?” situations and free you up to be more relaxed together. Plan for non-expensive playtime, like walks, exercising together, acting silly and having sex!
Having fun together is very important in these stressful times.
Click here for more tips on dealing with financial stress from Dr. Gail Saltz, or find ways to Bail Yourself Out from iVillage.
Couples who have always struggled with talking, being secretive or even dishonest with each other are going to feel even worse with this new economic stress. They may find themselves unbearably stressed by the money secrets and totally alone about who to confide in. This loneliness can lead to depression and anxiety.
Now is the time to come clean about all money matters. Tell each other about debt, priorities, wishes, fears. Once the cards are on the table, you can start fresh on how to rebuild. Going forward, be honest with your partner and make money decisions as a team. Have conferences and make contingency plans on how you will act or spend for various scenarios. Having bailout plans of your own will make you feel less fearful of all the “what if?” situations and free you up to be more relaxed together. Plan for non-expensive playtime, like walks, exercising together, acting silly and having sex!
Having fun together is very important in these stressful times.
Click here for more tips on dealing with financial stress from Dr. Gail Saltz, or find ways to Bail Yourself Out from iVillage.
Today I am speaking to a large group of women attending MORE magazine's Reinvention Convention. I will be talking about menopause and the mind.
So in a nutshell, here are the most important points.
Women in perimenopause do have a greater likelihood of suffering from both depressed moods and true depression. Those at highest risk are women who have had mood issues around their period or after childbirth, those with hot flashes, trouble sleeping, history of childhood abuse and a sudden surgically-caused menopause.
After menopause the likelihood of depression drops to normal. Depression can be treated with estrogen or antidepressants or psychotherapy.
Perimenopausal women also often notice difficulty with memory. Estrogen replacement may help with this temporary memory problem at the time right around menopause BUT data show that women who have not been on hormone replacement and then at a later age (like 65) take estrogen it can actually worsen symptoms of dementia. The data about hormone replacement therapy is quite tricky and should definitely be discussed with your gynecologist.
Depending on what your family history and medical issues are it might or might not be right for you.
So in a nutshell, here are the most important points.
Women in perimenopause do have a greater likelihood of suffering from both depressed moods and true depression. Those at highest risk are women who have had mood issues around their period or after childbirth, those with hot flashes, trouble sleeping, history of childhood abuse and a sudden surgically-caused menopause.
After menopause the likelihood of depression drops to normal. Depression can be treated with estrogen or antidepressants or psychotherapy.
Perimenopausal women also often notice difficulty with memory. Estrogen replacement may help with this temporary memory problem at the time right around menopause BUT data show that women who have not been on hormone replacement and then at a later age (like 65) take estrogen it can actually worsen symptoms of dementia. The data about hormone replacement therapy is quite tricky and should definitely be discussed with your gynecologist.
Depending on what your family history and medical issues are it might or might not be right for you.
Right now many are feeling panic. When overwhelmed by panic your mind cannot be as efficient in figuring out how to deal with your particular problem. It is very worth it to take time out to calm your mind. Deep breathing, exercise, a warm bath, distraction with music or comedy. Try not to watch the stock market every second because it will not help, but it will fill you with anxiety. If you find yourself really hopeless or unable to sleep or eat, concentrate or constantly filled with fear then it is time to see a professional because you may be suffering from either depression or an anxiety disorder. Treatment can help.
Get more information from TODAY at Todayshow.iVillage.com
Related content from Dr. Gail Saltz:
People are feeling especially intensely about this election, not surprising given the sorry state of the nation at this point. I have been hearing from some couples that each member of the couple wants a different candidate to win this election....badly. Fear and anxiety drive a passion for a fix, so believing that your candidate possesses the cure makes you quite intent.
What happens when you feel intently for Obama and your mate feels intently for McCain? Fireworks! These couples are fighting about everything, not just national issues but it spills over into how you parent, how you clean, how you spend and of course how and IF you will have sex. Sometimes a heated argument can lead to great make-up sex, especially if it was actually a passionate exchange of intellectual ideas that neither of you take all that personally. But for a number of couples today, it is very very personal. In fact, personally, they are shutting their partner out in the non-sexual cold as punishment for supporting the "enemy".
You need to keep in mind that after November one person will be president, and you won't be married to him. You will be married to the same spouse and you will have to make that work.
Political debate is fun and exciting, a war of the Roses is not.
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Following the recent financial roller coaster ride most people are feeling the heat, and it is increasing anxiety for many. Fear of job loss, actual job loss, loss of income from investments gone south and loss of home worth are creating real and terrible pressures and anxieties.
At times like this it is very normal to feel scared, angry and even sad. Even though its normal, it is still important to make efforts to de-stress. Do something that relaxes you for some time each day… take a bath, hug your partner, watch a funny movie. Make sure that you eat right, exercise and get enough sleep because these all help in the face of pressure.
If however you find yourself unable to sleep, losing your appetite, unable to concentrate and feeling hopeless about the future, you may have crossed the line from sadness in to depression. Depression needs professional intervention; either a therapist to talk to or, in severe cases, medication. This is a time to all support each other, to listen to each other and to remember what really matters to us most like family and health.
Get more information from TODAY at Todayshow.iVillage.com
Related content from Dr. Gail Saltz:
At times like this it is very normal to feel scared, angry and even sad. Even though its normal, it is still important to make efforts to de-stress. Do something that relaxes you for some time each day… take a bath, hug your partner, watch a funny movie. Make sure that you eat right, exercise and get enough sleep because these all help in the face of pressure.
If however you find yourself unable to sleep, losing your appetite, unable to concentrate and feeling hopeless about the future, you may have crossed the line from sadness in to depression. Depression needs professional intervention; either a therapist to talk to or, in severe cases, medication. This is a time to all support each other, to listen to each other and to remember what really matters to us most like family and health.
Get more information from TODAY at Todayshow.iVillage.com
Related content from Dr. Gail Saltz:
Money is one of the top topics for arguing in a marriage and also one of the main reasons for splitting up. Yet as important as this topic is to discuss, it is one of the subjects couples are least likely to talk about before and during a marriage. Most couples feel it is not romantic or too personal to discuss, and so the problems mount until an explosion occurs. People come to a relationship with their own way of thinking about and dealing with money. Your money style has a lot to do with the way your parents dealt with money and also your risk-taking versus conservative personality style. In addition, in this day and age of many second marriages and step children many couples come to a marriage with debt, alimony, feelings about how much they want to spend on their biological child versus a step child, etc. These are all issues which need to be sorted out, discussed and understood before marriage. Differences between the sexes in attitude toward money also make agreements difficult to come by. Both men and women tend to be concerned about retirement and the wish to have enough money to do so comfortably. Men still make most financial decisions about cars and investments whereas women do about major appliances and things for the kids. Most fights occur over spending for both men and women; who gets to, how much, from what pot? Besides money being a limited commodity and therefore couples are scared about not having enough (hence arguments) it also represents power and couples will argue over who has the power in the relationship. Feeling that the subject of money is taboo or embarrassing is the reason couples tend not discuss even the basics and hence anger builds and festers, good feelings begin to erode between them and ultimately a big blow up occurs.
Things you need to do:
Ante up before the marriage. Many people either keep quiet about money or even lie. You need to reveal all debt from the start. It will all come out eventually, with much more anger and angst. Be up front. Find out what they owe, what they spend, what they consider to be priorities, what is their style of saving and spending. Discuss financial goals, retirement, credit cards and how you feel about debt. Discuss alimony and child support, mortgage, bankruptcy... if those apply. Also discuss how you both FEEL about money. What does it represent to you? How was it handled in your family of origin? Do you tend to be tight with it or relaxed?
Have a monthly conference. Keep up every month with a discussion of where you are financially, where you want to be. Discuss planning for children. Talk about which expenses will get a priority when money gets tight (before it gets tight). What was spent, any debt issues and plans for investing. Set aside the time and don’t have it off the cuff or in the bedroom.
Be knowledgeable. Both partners should stay informed about what is happening with the money. How much there is? How much is spent?
Make a budget. You need to agree upon a budget so both know what the other expects.
Be honest. Many people lie or omit information when it comes to money. Eventually the truth comes out and the betrayal can destroy the marriage. Be sure to be up front and honest about how you handle money. Being secretive about money is also a slippery slope when it comes to lying about other issues.
Get more tips and information at Today Show on iVillage
Related content from Dr. Gail Saltz:
It's difficult to be the long-term support system for someone who has suffered a traumatic loss. Partly because when you help someone who has loss you, by necessity, identify with their sadness, which makes you feel sad. This makes many people wish to avoid being around a grieving person. But social support is exactly what they need- even if it’s a token thought, a card, a call. The key is to sympathize without being sucked into feeling exactly what they feel. Also, gather others to help add support and share the burden. Caregiver burnout is very real and guilt often prevents those closest from taking a break. Burnout can hurt you both mentally and physically, so take breaks and recruit other family or friends to take a turn.
For the griever they may feel trapped by others expectations that they should have moved on already. This may make them stop asking for help and become isolated. Let them know that its OK to be having pain, to have bad days and its also OK to have good days and to let themselves have some pleasure. Sometimes guilt keeps the one left behind from letting themselves live their life again. So, today remember all the people struggling from loss and reach out...if only to say you are their friend and you care.
Most parents at some time or another will feel that they prefer (at that moment in time) one child to another. Sometimes the preference comes out of differences or similarities between the parent and child. A child may have an easier going temperament or like the same things the parent likes…hence they feel more “simpatico”. Another cause of favoritism has more to do with the developmental stage that child is in. Some moms prefer babies who are dependent and cuddly and easier to control, while other moms prefer adolescents who are more adult-like to talk with and able to care for themselves. This means which child you prefer change and shift over time.
While its normal to feel preferences it's not good to demonstrate actual favoritism. It hurts self esteem and also increases sibling rivalry. It can definitely have lasting effects which are painful.
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Denying you have such feelings only raises the likelihood you will unwittingly act on them. It is best to be honest with yourself but then try to figure out why you feel this in the first place. It is helpful to make note of all your children's strengths and weaknesses and compliment their strengths. At the same time you must provide ways to cope with their weaknesses. All humans have their pluses and minuses, and by being realistic you can help your kids improve their lives by playing to their strengths and figuring out ways to manage their weaknesses
Make sure you reinforce the fact that you both like and love all your children and that love is not something concrete (like a piece of pie with a finite number of pieces). There is plenty to go around for all!
While its normal to feel preferences it's not good to demonstrate actual favoritism. It hurts self esteem and also increases sibling rivalry. It can definitely have lasting effects which are painful.
Make sure you reinforce the fact that you both like and love all your children and that love is not something concrete (like a piece of pie with a finite number of pieces). There is plenty to go around for all!
As a psychiatrist who has written on the topic of sex education, it is hard to understand the continued push by politicians for abstinence-only education. Multiple studies done over the last several years have shown no decrease in sexual activity amongst teens that have gone through abstinence-only education.
While we may not all agree on a person’s right to choose an abortion, we certainly can all agree that teenage pregnancy needs to be addressed and reduced. In addition, I am sure we would all agree that HIV and other STD’s need to be addressed and reduced.
Telling teens not to have sex sounds good and I think parents should do that, but given the realities (not every teen will listen; not every teen will hold firm in the heat of the moment) we also need to tell them the real risks they face if they do have sex.
How can you talk about HIV, STD’s, pregnancy, raising a baby and the consequences if you are not allowed to do any sexual education? As a nation, we can promote abstinence and teach sex education so that our teens are best equipped to deal with the consequences and risks involved with sexual activity. In my experience it is not enough to tell a teen “No”, you have to tell them “why not”. Knowledge is power and we need to make all our adolescents more powerful in this 2008 world of access to alcohol, drugs, internet use and growing up too soon with too much pressure.
We all want the best for our kids but our division about how to help them has gotten in our way. More public examples of kids having kids will not solve the issue. Parents need to take an active role in making sure their children have all the information they need. Parents also need to help their children understand the specific values of their own family, so that the children know what can be replied upon as begin the treacherous journey of growing up.
More from Dr. Gail Saltz:
While we may not all agree on a person’s right to choose an abortion, we certainly can all agree that teenage pregnancy needs to be addressed and reduced. In addition, I am sure we would all agree that HIV and other STD’s need to be addressed and reduced.
Telling teens not to have sex sounds good and I think parents should do that, but given the realities (not every teen will listen; not every teen will hold firm in the heat of the moment) we also need to tell them the real risks they face if they do have sex.
How can you talk about HIV, STD’s, pregnancy, raising a baby and the consequences if you are not allowed to do any sexual education? As a nation, we can promote abstinence and teach sex education so that our teens are best equipped to deal with the consequences and risks involved with sexual activity. In my experience it is not enough to tell a teen “No”, you have to tell them “why not”. Knowledge is power and we need to make all our adolescents more powerful in this 2008 world of access to alcohol, drugs, internet use and growing up too soon with too much pressure.
We all want the best for our kids but our division about how to help them has gotten in our way. More public examples of kids having kids will not solve the issue. Parents need to take an active role in making sure their children have all the information they need. Parents also need to help their children understand the specific values of their own family, so that the children know what can be replied upon as begin the treacherous journey of growing up.
More from Dr. Gail Saltz:
- Talking about sex with your children
- Get more tips and information at Today Show on iVillage
Summer often feels like that three month long vacation with lots of parties and social gatherings. Inevitably there is alcohol present and most people drink. Drinking can be relaxing, a little uninhibiting and make the social moments seem like more fun. However sometimes what started as one drink can become two, four or more. How do you know if you have a problem?Alcohol is a depressant, in the same class of drugs as the benzodiazepines like Valium. It is both psychologically and physiologically addictive. It is not how much alcohol you drink, so much as the symptoms you develop when you don’t drink anymore. If you have a hand tremor (the shakes), feel sweaty, agitated, anxious, nauseous and can’t sleep without having another drink then you are experiencing alcohol withdrawal. This is because your body has gotten used to the alcohol in your system and needs it if you take it away. This is why a drink later (an "eye-opener" or the "hair of the dog that bit you") makes you feel better physically.
Alcohol dependence is when you experience three of the following symptoms:
- You need more and more alcohol to get the same desired effect,
- You experience withdrawal,
- You keep trying unsuccessfully to cut down,
- Your drinking effects your personal or job life, and you keep drinking despite it.
Because people are different sizes and have different metabolisms, the number of drinks they have does not define a problem: It is the effect of the alcohol and the need for continued use. Many people believe they don’t have a problem because they never try to cut down, but when finally in a situation where they can’t drink they realize it is not possible to stop.
Continue reading Summer Drinking: Fun or a Problem?.
