On the Couch with Gail Saltz, M.D. | A Mental Health Blog at iVillage.com
- Love
- On the Couch with Dr. Gail Saltz
Interestingly, I have been hearing from couples where one or both are feeling less in the mood for sex, and the reason seems to be that it is simply too hot. How can you be too hot for sex?!?!
Well, actually there are some people who really dislike sweating or feeling overheated. For them, feeling warm and then touching bodies makes them feel like they are melting and miserable. For some people, sweating is really part of the fun of the exertion of sex-- the messier the better. For others, covered in sweat is a big turn off. This can be a matter of personal fastidiousness, sensitive nose, embarrassment created by sweating, or feelings that a hot flash is being exacerbated by closeness.
If your partner's desire seems to have gone down as the temperature goes up, you might want to ask them about their feelings on the heat. The good news is that there are options to help out.
Sex in the water does away with the whole concern about sweat and heat. In the shower, in the tub, a pool, the ocean...you get the idea! Blasting the air conditioning in one room just prior to bedtime is another way to go. It may be 80 degrees everywhere else, but for an hour it can be 70 degrees wherever you plan to make whoopee.
For those for whom fastidiousness is an overall issue, this could be the opportunity to desensitize yourself to sweat: Just go for it and see that sweat can be fun!
Any other suggestions out there? I'd love to hear how you beat the heat.
Well, actually there are some people who really dislike sweating or feeling overheated. For them, feeling warm and then touching bodies makes them feel like they are melting and miserable. For some people, sweating is really part of the fun of the exertion of sex-- the messier the better. For others, covered in sweat is a big turn off. This can be a matter of personal fastidiousness, sensitive nose, embarrassment created by sweating, or feelings that a hot flash is being exacerbated by closeness.
If your partner's desire seems to have gone down as the temperature goes up, you might want to ask them about their feelings on the heat. The good news is that there are options to help out.
Sex in the water does away with the whole concern about sweat and heat. In the shower, in the tub, a pool, the ocean...you get the idea! Blasting the air conditioning in one room just prior to bedtime is another way to go. It may be 80 degrees everywhere else, but for an hour it can be 70 degrees wherever you plan to make whoopee.
For those for whom fastidiousness is an overall issue, this could be the opportunity to desensitize yourself to sweat: Just go for it and see that sweat can be fun!
Any other suggestions out there? I'd love to hear how you beat the heat.
I have certainly blogged about infidelity before and, sadly, it is all too common in a marriage. However, we certainly have seen a number of politicians cheat recently and many of us are left wondering, "What is up with this?"
Power is intoxicating and power can corrupt. It intoxicates both the powerful and those looking to “get power” by being associated with it. People around a politician often say "yes" to them so much and praise them to the point that the politician starts to buy into the idea that they are so powerful the rules no longer apply to them. In addition, many politicians are high risk takers to begin with; it is what drew them to politics. It makes them good at the game but it also makes them likely to take a self-destructive risk.
The spouse and any children involved suffer terribly when such a scandal erupts. But what I find especially disturbing at this point is that the national psyche is suffering. We as a nation are watching politician after politician lie, cheat, cover up and break the very rules that they portend to uphold the most. This level of hypocrisy is chipping away at our national trust. Much like a betrayed spouse, I think the country is trying to figure out if they can trust any politician. We are caught feeling everyone is suspect and we don’t have any great method of telling who is being truthful in what they say. If you want to run for President, or any other leadership position, you need to remember that it hasn’t been called “the father of our country” for nothing. The father figure must uphold honesty and integrity for people to place their faith in him as the leader. It is true that marriage is suffering as an institution in many ways in this country, but politicians need to acknowledge that we have psychic reasons to believe they need to be held to a higher standard.
What are your thoughts?
More from Dr. Gail Saltz:
Power is intoxicating and power can corrupt. It intoxicates both the powerful and those looking to “get power” by being associated with it. People around a politician often say "yes" to them so much and praise them to the point that the politician starts to buy into the idea that they are so powerful the rules no longer apply to them. In addition, many politicians are high risk takers to begin with; it is what drew them to politics. It makes them good at the game but it also makes them likely to take a self-destructive risk.
The spouse and any children involved suffer terribly when such a scandal erupts. But what I find especially disturbing at this point is that the national psyche is suffering. We as a nation are watching politician after politician lie, cheat, cover up and break the very rules that they portend to uphold the most. This level of hypocrisy is chipping away at our national trust. Much like a betrayed spouse, I think the country is trying to figure out if they can trust any politician. We are caught feeling everyone is suspect and we don’t have any great method of telling who is being truthful in what they say. If you want to run for President, or any other leadership position, you need to remember that it hasn’t been called “the father of our country” for nothing. The father figure must uphold honesty and integrity for people to place their faith in him as the leader. It is true that marriage is suffering as an institution in many ways in this country, but politicians need to acknowledge that we have psychic reasons to believe they need to be held to a higher standard.
What are your thoughts?
More from Dr. Gail Saltz:
While confidence is a state of mind, we can't really say where in the mind it is located. Confidence is about self-like and a belief that one's abilities and capacity to manage adversity are superior to the demands of his or her environment. This is important, because it means that confidence can be built through improving one's coping skills and resiliency in the face of difficulty.
Check out my TODAY show segment on the topic.
There are certain specific psychic states that can diminish confidence. Social phobia (the fear of meeting or speaking in front of new people) causes a running inner dialogue of thoughts like, "I will embarrass myself," "This person thinks I am silly, unattractive, etc.," or "They won't like me." It's hard to have confidence when your mind tells you this, and it often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because you stay away from people and feel lonely and friendless.
Depression and rumination can similarly cause many negative self-thoughts. Depressed people see themselves in an unrealistic negative light. They often feel worthless and helpless, the opposite of confident. Anxiety disorders, in general, rob you of confidence because you feel afraid and avoidant of everything. Your world shrinks and you feel incapable. Personality disorders may also rob you of confidence because a rigid way of seeing yourself and the world makes it difficult to sustain healthy relationships and excel at work. When you seem to be failing, you don't feel confident.
It can be a vicious circle with self-confidence: You need it to succeed, and success breeds confidence. To break the cycle you need to alter self-views. To alter those views, you must first be aware of the largely unconscious messages you tell yourself about yourself. Once you know what your negative messages are, you can battle them. Battle means questioning, testing reality, trying new thoughts on for size and learning new coping skills so that you will be emotionally stronger and able to have more triumphs, hence adding to your confidence.
Tips for improving self-confidence:
More from Dr. Gail Saltz:
Depression and rumination can similarly cause many negative self-thoughts. Depressed people see themselves in an unrealistic negative light. They often feel worthless and helpless, the opposite of confident. Anxiety disorders, in general, rob you of confidence because you feel afraid and avoidant of everything. Your world shrinks and you feel incapable. Personality disorders may also rob you of confidence because a rigid way of seeing yourself and the world makes it difficult to sustain healthy relationships and excel at work. When you seem to be failing, you don't feel confident.
It can be a vicious circle with self-confidence: You need it to succeed, and success breeds confidence. To break the cycle you need to alter self-views. To alter those views, you must first be aware of the largely unconscious messages you tell yourself about yourself. Once you know what your negative messages are, you can battle them. Battle means questioning, testing reality, trying new thoughts on for size and learning new coping skills so that you will be emotionally stronger and able to have more triumphs, hence adding to your confidence.
Tips for improving self-confidence:
- An actual psychiatric diagnosis might be the cause of your low confidence. You should get a professional opinion and, if necessary, get treatment.
- Ask yourself questions about what you feel really good at, and really bad at.
- Ask yourself what evidence you have for what you are really bad at.
- Devise some strategies for improving those things you lack confidence in.
- More practice at coping breeds more confidence.
More from Dr. Gail Saltz:
It seems that summer often reminds us of romantic adventures. Running through the surf holding hands, kissing in the sand, toasting with a fruity cocktail. So I see many women who are feeling particularly put out that their summer is not feeling any more romantic than the rest of the year, and on a passionate scale of 1 to 10, it’s about a 2.
While it’s true that romance can get a boost from a new setting and therefore from a vacation where there is more time for play, it’s hard to turn on and off romantic feelings. In order to have more romance you really have to make an effort to build it. Couples who have lost affection after years of marriage have to make an actual conscious plan to start holding hands, give each other massages, remember to compliment each other and try new things in bed.
Really any season can provide the backdrop, though summer (with more skin often showing) lends itself quite well. If you are feeling disappointed with a lack of romance, go to your spouse tonight, this very night, hold their hand and look in their eyes and say “I love you and I want us to be more romantic.” Then follow through. You will be surprised what a difference it can make!
While it’s true that romance can get a boost from a new setting and therefore from a vacation where there is more time for play, it’s hard to turn on and off romantic feelings. In order to have more romance you really have to make an effort to build it. Couples who have lost affection after years of marriage have to make an actual conscious plan to start holding hands, give each other massages, remember to compliment each other and try new things in bed.
Really any season can provide the backdrop, though summer (with more skin often showing) lends itself quite well. If you are feeling disappointed with a lack of romance, go to your spouse tonight, this very night, hold their hand and look in their eyes and say “I love you and I want us to be more romantic.” Then follow through. You will be surprised what a difference it can make!
Today I will be interviewing Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi at the 92nd Street Y in New York City. We will be discussing what formative life events shaped her ability to become a leader and how we all might help the next generation of women to become leaders too. She has a truly unique story because she raised five children as a stay at home mother before running for Congress at age 47. Amazingly her whole career has been after children left the house. Many women today are struggling with how to balance work and raising children at the same time. This requires a lot of day to day struggle with choosing which comes first and what moment. There is often a lot of guilt involved and wishing you could be somewhere else wherever you are.
Given the economy it is likely this issue will only grow as more women will need to work to support their families and many women want to work to have a voice in how our political system, our financial system, our health care system,etc-- All will work in the future. As a nation, we need to encourage women to use their fine minds, but we also need to give them the support to me moms and workers.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this…
