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Are Young Marriages Doomed to Fail?
Recently there have been a number of young celebrity marriages which have failed. Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe announced their plans to call it quits. The two were formerly thought of as “the perfect Hollywood couple." Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey broke up last year and reports say the reason lies in the fact they were too young. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have finally ended it. Is marriage in your early 20's doomed to fail? Statistics show that people are getting married later in life. But does getting married in your teens and early twenties make divorce more likely?
A recent study by the National Institute of Mental Health and UCLA's Laboratory of Neuro-Imaging stated that the point of intellectual maturity, the so-called "age of reason," comes at about age 25, and that major life-changing decisions shouldn't be made before then. The problem is, the study says, that teenagers and young adults make decisions with the amygdala (the instinctual and emotional portion of the brain) and the frontal lobe of the brain (which controls judgment and the ability to evaluate consequences) and that these regions of the brain are not fully developed by the teenage years.
Another study conducted by the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center claimed that postponing marriage until after the age of 25 can reduce the chance of divorce by up to 25 percent. The National Center for Health Statistics found nearly half of all marriages in which the bride is 18 years or younger end in separation or divorce within 10 years. For brides 25 and older, half as many marriages break up. The 2005 census bureau found that the median age for first marriages in the United States is 26.7 years for men and 25.1 for women. Overall the age of marriage tends to be older in cities than in more rural areas.
These statistics alone are enough to make one think twice about marrying very young. In fact, the growing trend for adults to seek higher education is delaying the age at which most people think about getting married. This is especially true for women who are making more money and may not feel as pressured to get married because they can live on their own and support themselves.
One advantage of waiting to marry is the ability to spend some time on your own which helps build your confidence -- you know you can make it on your own, you know you bring something to the table. That kind of confidence helps you to be a better partner and be more secure in a marriage relationship. People who are insecure can feel desperate to cling onto their partners and yet may have difficulty making compromises because they fear losing themselves if they do. Feeling confident in your identity makes being flexible easier and less threatening.
Life experience may also help you have a more realistic expectation of marriage. That life acquired wisdom also makes it clear that divorce results in greatly diminished income for the home as well as negative effects on both physical and mental health for both people involved as well as any children. This knowledge often helps both parties to work harder at their relationship rather than opting for divorce.
Of course there are couples who marry young and have a long and fruitful marriage. Sometimes they really grow together and therefore work well as a team to make the marriage work. Overall, though, it is worth considering your maturity, age and life experience before entering into the commitment of marriage.
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Wow, this is very interesting stuff! I had never heard the "age of reason" is at about 25. In that vein, I was just talking with a friend whose daughter is applying to colleges. We both find it so interesting that 18-year-old kids have to make such a huge decision -- where to go to college. Of course, at one time, my friend and I had to make that same decision... it's just very interesting to think that most people who go to college are a full seven years away from their age of reason. I suppose that's why there are college counselors in high schools!
Anyway, great blog so far!!
I am a young wife of only 21. I know that the fact that I am still in college and have not yet met my "age of reason" could affect my marriage, but as was said at the end of Gail's entry "Sometimes they really grow together and therefore work well as a team to make the marriage work" I believe that going through these tough times with my spouse of 26 makes us stronger. I suppose that a young married couple should expect that times will be tough but when they make it through them they will walk into their future with the confidence that they can take whatever comes their way.
My husband and I married when we were only 22. We are approaching our five year anniversary and couldn't be happier. I think getting married young has allowed us to grow up together. We became a team at a very young age and our experiences of "us v. the world" has made us very strong. We've also found that our love only grows stronger each year and as our friendship grows our respect for the other grows too. I also have to say that not having children has probably helped us. We've been able to grow up ourselves and enjoy each other as a couple. I have friends who got married at the same age but quickly started having children and their marriages are already suffering. I think they didn't take enough time to get to know each other first and enjoy their youth together. So I would be curious to see the effect of having children young on a marriage versus simply getting married young?
My husband and I married and started a family in our early 20's. It's been a struggle ever since. Looking back I think it was too much too soon.
My husband and I met each other when we were kids (I was 15 and he was 16) and got married 7 years later. Iam about 20 years older now and he is definitely not the same as he was then (and neither am I). Marrying early is a strain in your early 20s when there is a career and hcildren to be balanced. However, I absolutely love the fact that we have known each other since we were kids and have such a long shared history that we understand each other in ways that are almost telepathic...
Well, I married my husband over 7 years ago when I was 20 and he was 23. It was not always easy - but NO marriage, no matter what age you are, is!
I don't think it's the AGE that should determine anything- it's the maturity levels. I know plenty of 30 somethings who are just as immature as 20 somethings.
To me, the key to any happy and successful marriage is to let the other person grow. Expect change. You will change, too. Both my husband and I changed a lot since we first met. And yes, we had to deal with it and compromisem! But that, to me, is what a good marriage is all about!
I think, if people would stop planning their wedding day for years and even decades but would actually start to plan their MARRIAGE, things would look different.
It is certainly true, that some young marriages fail, but so do marriages started in later life.
I agree with SH and SL. I'm not married yet, but we are committed to each other as though we are in this situation. We think of each other as partners, but refer to each other as girlfriend/boyfriend. The idea of the lawful committment of marriage doesn't become clear to many people because they jump in too quickly, rather than spending time together as 'single' people first, eventually moving in together.
We will eventually get married, but not now because we don't have the time or the money to do it. We are both developing our careers and growing closer together because of it - that is the real test, married or not.
I got married one month short of my twentieth Birthday, my husband was turning twenty one. Had my first child by twenty one. I have to say that the first five years of our marriage was a war zone:( He changed so much so suddenly ,and I guesse I must have too. It's know seven years latter and I sometimes find my self asking and woundering if maybe I should have waited out before I rushed into it. I think that age doesn't really have that much of an inpact my friend dated for four years got married a year after me and is now divorced, they wore like the perfect couple. I think people give up on their marriage too soon now a days. I believe that it has to do with society we don't judge someone for leaving their wife or vise versa, not that im saying that we should, but in the olden days was like taboo to leave your spouse , and everyone treated you different if you did, so you would stay and would have to work out your problems. Know a days all you hear is if you not happy get out!A marriage is team work.
I have been married for 23years, I was 21 and my spouse was 25. Marriage is a challege, you have to work on the relationship with all the changes that come around, first, when you have your first child, you have to compromised each others thoughts on child rearing,and as the years go by there will be changes that you both have to compromised or the relation will fail. It is ever changing!
This article offends from the get-go. I married young, so let's compare my marriage to the likes of Brittney Spears and K-Fed! Age is nothing but a number - maturity is the playing factor. Also, your article seems to have left out the 19-24 crowd. Divorce rates are skewed by individuals with multiple divorce rates - I don't see that reality check anywhere.
I met my husband at 14, he was 13. We got married when we were in college at 22 and 21. We are not only an awesome team, but strong individuals. We have been through many changes and obstacles along the way which only empowered our relationship. You have to be there every day to help your partner be the best they can be. We plan on starting our family in the fall (we will be 24). We have a strong support system between our families, I have no worries about brining children into our family.
You have to have faith, support, and knowledge. Too many people are going in with high expectations and ignorance.
Dream girl, learn how to spell and write!
I was married for the first time when I was 22. Everything Dr. Gail said is right on! Although highly intelligent, I was still reacting to my family concerning the choices I made. That marriage ended and I entered into another one almost immediately, still reacting to those initial family issues in addition to the first marriage. It wasn't until I took six years off, got my act together, became truly independent, that I "found" myself. I am now dating a wonderful person who is a fabulous match in all ways. He incidentally married for the first time at 23 and was very unhappy in his marriage at the time his wife died of breast cancer 13 years later. He took 14 years to figure things out before meeting me. We are both definitely older and wiser. A person only has their life's experiences to draw on when making decisions. Of course young married couples are going to defend their decisions. You don't really know all the ramifications until you have "walked the talk" over time. WAIT until you are 25+!
Age doesn't have anything to
do with it if it's ment to be then It's
ment to be I got married when I was 16yrs. We've been married nearly 3 yrs.
and we've been together a total of 6 yrs. It is about maturity. And making sure that you stay on the same pg.
I think sex is the big breaker in marriages. And different religon beliefs is a major problem It was for my parents and many others. If you keep your love life strong I think it helps keep the bond strong. And deffently beleaving in the same thing is so importnat. Arguments are another big breaker. All ways having to be right hurts the marriage. Just make sure you listen to your partner and don't neglect them or your self, it makes for a great relationship.
Kareese. 18 yrs. old.
my comment is the young marriage should think first b4 take action to do something and also compared it in religious.
I agree with SH....I am 19 and recently married, but I feel no fear. Every marriage has its difficulties, but it depends on your state of mind. I can't help but think that the age of reason does not have one specific age...there are some older adults I know that act more immature and irresponsible than me! I think it depends on how a person choose to conduct themselves; I'm fully ready to be a wife.
Also, Kareese made several good points: marriage is about the other person, and selfishness (or selflessness) can be an attribute of any age.
As a side note, when I got married a coworker of mine warned me that I would be wanting to go wild at 21 and want to go bar hopping and whatnot. My husband told me if I wanted to do that, fine, just take him along too! :-D
I was rather interested by the subject of this blog. I got married a month after I turned 21 (my husband was the same age) and that was after being engaged for nearly two years. I've known my husband since I was 14 and he was 15. He's been my best friend ever since, and we've been married for six years now.
It hasn't been a cake walk, by any means. We've had some difficult times, but from the beginning, we made sure to set the rules for communication and fighting, and those seem to have worked just fine.
We're due with our first baby in April, and as hard as it's been to watch our friends (who all got married after we did) have babies, I think waiting so long was the right move for us. It gave us a chance to really get to know each other in the marriage relationship and, in addition, we were able to do a lot of fun things--vacations and such--that we won't be able to do much of with children.
Obviously our experience would not work for everyone, but it has worked for us and my husband is still my best friend!
I couldn't agree with this article more. I was married 20 days after my 17th birthday, had 2 kids and divorced at 21. I am now 32 and still going through court proceedings pertaining to custody issues. I am so glad I have my boys but, I wished I could have waited to get married by 10 years. This has effected my life in alot of negative ways.
I married at 22 and my husband was 28. I am now 25 and still trying to figure out who I am and what I want from life. But so is he. I find a lot of validity in what the above article was saying but I don't necessarily believe that maturity is defined by a number. Maturity comes through trial and error. Though many of those trials do not come until you are out on your own. Many face them rather early. Who we are is a result of our upbringing and our outlook on life. So I believe that success in a marriage begins with being committed to helping one another become the best person we can be. That means a lot of sacrifices and many surprises as you discover this new person every day. If you are willing to allow your spouse to grow in their own time and their own way I believe you will be successful. But I'm only 25 and still have a lot to learn. The truth will be told 20 years down the line and how happy we are then with each other.
I just turned 19 I am going in and out my first relationship still of 2 yrs. The guy I am with was and is still my first one I've been with ever. After he made a stupid mistake I knew I couldn't deal with it down the road though he has straightened up a little I still don't know if he will do it again if there was a chance of marriage. I know he will be a good father seeing the way he is around everyone else. Also, the age and maturity both play a role in every relationship. You can be of age and not of maturity or the other way around. The way I was brought up by my parents allowed me to look at the whole of things. I can see myself with with him for the rest of my life and he's said the same thing, though I've never said I wanted to marry him yet. I am mature enough but I just can't see myself settling down so soon even though he just turned 24 and is seeing all of his friends around him getting married and started a life and a family with someone. Don't know if I should wait to see if he really is the one???
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Thank you ML for pointting out that i made mistakes when i wrote last. Wish i could be perfect like you, but sense English isn't the only language i speak (and not my first language) my appolagies if it offended you in anyway.I would how ever like to see you write in three different language's and then be judged the same.
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My husband and I got married in January. I'm 22 and he's 20. The age difference took me a while to get used to, but I'm so glad that I did. The guys I went out with were a few years older than me and I never wanted to give younger guys a chance. What I've come to find out (and I know this doesn't apply to all) is that my husband is more mature than any of the other guys that I've been with! Everyone should give it some thought as to when they think is the "right" time for them to get married, but really it comes down to love, respect, honesty...and maturity! My husband and I will grow and experience life together. I'm not naive to divorce. My parents are divorced and other relatives and friends of mine have gone through the same thing. I'm not foriegn to it. I'm young and married, and there's nothing to change that fact now. My husband and I understand that there will be tough times ahead of us, but us working as a team is what's going to get us through life together and that's what's really important.
Approaching a 1 year anniversary here, and no, we're NOT "still in the honeymoon phase." we get in horrible fights to the point where i think we both would like to walk out, for the night anyway. but we are together because of how we are so opssoite - we can learn from each and better each other. its growing out of oursevles and seeing the world in as someone else. today our culture is all for "you" and its just so selfish and hedonistic. what do they care anyway, they're just trying to sell a product, or a service, or a tv show slot. people needs to take a look deep down inside and figure out why they said yes, i'll marry you. i bet theres someothing there just dying to be discovered. i know for me that it is because i lack what he has, and lacks what i have. i am creative ans spontanoues and he is careful and calculated. what a great mix! and good for me. i can do freelance writing and raise llamas if i want while he's a lawyer. we're a good team once we get past trying to mold one another into ourselves.+
Dr. Saltz is right on. I 25 and about to graudate law school in one month and I work in a family law firm. About 75% of our divorce clients got married young (early 20s) and are now getting divorced. You young married women might think that you are mature or were mature when you got married, but you still have a lot of growing up to do. And yes, some of you will make it, but most likely not! You may not realize it now because you are still in that newly married stage, but five-ten years from now you will look back at this article and realize Dr. Saltz and I were right. And by the way, Kareese, you are still a baby and have so much life to live. You can barely spell or make out a cohesive sentence, how are you mature enough to be married and in a lifelong commitment.
I got married when I was 23 my husband to be was 27. I was just out of college, he had graduated 2 years before. We now have 10 years under our belts and 3 kids later. We both have jobs, finishing up our masters, a house and yes of course bills. But, we did it so far. Lately I have heard that no one thought we would last this long. Sad, isn't it. I really do not think that age has to do with it,it is the maturity and desire to make it work, plus, the maturity to make adult decisions and work hard to support each other and an impending family. Many young people do not thinks about a job, etc, but just get married. Trust me, when there is no money there is more stress. We went through that for a period of time. Just enjoy each other and really talk to each other. Do not let someone else's negativity dampen your spirit.
I'm 16 and my boyfriend is 18. It sounds crazy but we've talked about marriage in a serious way. Our personalities are so compatible and he is everything I've ever wanted in a husband. Our parents believe that we really will get married someday and actually encourage it.
I've been told numerous times that I'm very mature for my age. It's been that way since I was 8. I just really know what I want out of life; he says he wants to give me the world.
My parents have been married for over 20 years now, and they were 19 and 26. They're still happy and in love, and I believe that as long as you go into marriage with a few things it will be successful:
-Willingness to work out your issues rather than resorting to divorce.
-Confidence, trust, and security.
-Strong love and genuine care for each other that is thicker than physical or sexual attachment.
-COMMUNICATION
-Mutual feelings about important things, such as having children.
-Knowing that together you can make it through anything.
Age doesn't equal maturity.
Katie-I do not believe that every young marriage is doomed to fail. One major concern is the ability to support yourselves. At 16 and 18 you have no real monetary means of supporting yourselves. Not only are your pocketbooks immature at this stage of your life, but so are your decision making skills. This doesn't mean that you are not one of the few that could make it. If you are so in love and know that you will be together forever, then invest the next few years in yourselves. If you both do this and support each other in the process, not only will you be stronger individuals but a stronger team. Remember, the strongest and longest lasting marriages are those that support each other as individuals and provide support in an ever changing world.
Please stop advising people not to get married young as if age has something to do with commitment. I was 20 when I married my husband who was 23. We have now been married nearly 10 years, quite happily. The truth is EVERY marriage has ups and downs, whether the married couple is young or old. The same year my husband and I were married two of my mom's friends were also married. My mom's friends are 10-20 years older than I am. They were both divorced within two years. They are both married again to someone else. I'm still married to the same man, my first and only marriage. I think there are a lot of benefits to being married young. All of our âreal worldâ skills my husband and I were able to learn together. We had few expectations of each other and were able to develop our marital roles through life experience instead. My husband and I were able to avoid unhealthy dating relationships because we married young. All of the major life decisions we have been able to make together because we married young.
All of the major life decisions we have been able to make together because we married young; decisions including career choices, where to live, how to spend our money, what kind of friends to have, and several character building choices. I think that people who get married younger end up knowing their spouses better because theyâve done so much of their growing together. The hard-core truth and bottom line is that you can be a committed person at any age because commitment is a daily choice and is not something that is learned or developed in later life. While I suppose maturity level can be a determining factor in a personâs level of commitment I donât think that maturity necessarily comes from age either, some of the oldest people I know are the most immature. The success of our marriage is not an exception, as we have several friends who were also married young that have been married for more than seven years.
decisions including career choices, where to live, how to spend our money, what kind of friends to have, and several character building choices. I think that people who get married younger end up knowing their spouses better because theyâve done so much of their growing together. The hard-core truth and bottom line is that you can be a committed person at any age because commitment is a daily choice and is not something that is learned or developed in later life. While I suppose maturity level can be a determining factor in a personâs level of commitment I donât think that maturity necessarily comes from age either, some of the oldest people I know are the most immature. The success of our marriage is not an exception, as we have several friends who were also married young that have been married for more than seven years.
I think the statistics are bloated, they donât take into account the young people that may be getting married to get out of a poor home environment, because of an unexpected pregnancy, or any number of other reasons that young people may rush into a marriage like that of Britney Spears. Why is society comparing ârealâ marriages to those in Hollywood anyway, hardly any Hollywood marriages last. I much prefer to compare myself to my grandparents, married very young their marriage has lasted 53 years and counting. I love to hear the stories of my grandparentâs struggles early in their marriage and how they grew stronger from them. Someday my husband and I plan to pass a similar legacy to our own grandchildren.
I married my husband when I was 20 and we recently celebrated our 7th anniversary. Everyone is different and to say there is a "best" age to get married or to be life decisions is a little silly
Resources, resources, resources.
Just as location is to business, resources are to marriage.
Bruce
I really don't think age has anything to do with maturity level. Some people who are 30 or 40 are not as mature as some 18 year olds. Speaking from experience, I was 18 when I was married and my husband was 19. We've been married for almost 37 years now. We built a house when we were 19 and had our first child at that age. I was the oldest of five children of alcoholic parents and he was the oldest of two children whose father went blind when he was 12. Since he was 16, he worked 40+ hours a week to help his family and still managed to graduated from high school. He is still the love of my life as I am of his. We own our own business and have truly achieved the "American Dream." I have watched good friends, relatives and acquaintances marry, divorce, remarry, etc. Chronological age had nothing to do with it - level of maturity certainly did.