On the Couch with Gail Saltz, M.D. | A Mental Health Blog at iVillage.com
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- On the Couch with Dr. Gail Saltz
Welcome to “On the Couch”
Have a seat and get comfy. I will be writing to you about all manner of things psychological. I hope to deal with topics of mental health, relationships, sexuality and a psychological understanding of what goes on in the news and trends I find in my practice and in my interactions with viewers of the Today Show, where I am a regular guest expert.
After 14 years of psychiatry practice, I truly believe that self knowledge gives you power. Understanding what goes on in your mind and why, enables you to make better decisions about your behavior in the world. It amazes me to find that even in the enlightened 21st century many people still stigmatize mental illness. Too many people are afraid to seek help because they are ashamed. I hope to debunk these myths by providing current information about mental illnesses and their treatments. I also hope to “normalize” mental suffering. If you look at the numbers, many people struggle with suffering at some time or another in life and being able to acknowledge that and examine it is what allows one to get relief.
I will also try to stir your interest and inner curiosity about your own life struggles and choices. The more you ask yourself “Why?”, the better. Why am I bothered by something? Why am I sad, angry, frustrated, anxious? Why do I like someone, hate someone, love someone? Why do I struggle with certain people or situations? Why do I keep repeating behaviors or patterns that really aren’t working out for me? I hope this blog will help you to ask yourself “why,” because that is the way you get to the bottom of what makes you tick and allows you to consider what is working for you and what is not. Inner curiosity is the instrument of change.
While I cannot provide advice to any of you personally and directly, I do hope that informing you will help you on your own road of self discovery. Life is not easy and we all face many struggles, but it is also rich, exciting and textured. You are the master of your inner universe and only you have the power to make the most of it. I hope that you will write in comments and questions as I will be reading them and will try to respond to as many as I can through the blog. In that way we can all benefit from a little “group therapy.” Please let me know what you would like to hear about and what you feel concerned about. So now its time for you to lie back on my couch and tell me what’s on your mind.
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I need some help in regard to this problem. It's going to the doctors. I get so up tight my blood pressure rises and I would like to be given some suggestions on keeping calm. This has been a struggle for me over the years..
I had a "falling out" or misunderstandings with "friends" I'd known for 20 and 30 years respectively.
One was my daughter's godmother and an ex-classmate from high school. The other is a family, in particular the wife and her husband. It involved trust issues. How do I "reconnect" and get trust back on track? Any book suggestions?
I am facing a soon to be empty nest. My 23 yr, old, college graduate son is presently moving into his own place and is leaving our home. My 19 yr.old son is on his way and within 2 yrs. this single mom will be essentially alone. I am excited and scared. At 54 I have been in survival mode for so long. I haven't focused on me or my possibilities in a long time. How do I get a plan,set goals, reach out and make a life for me now? Any ideas would so be appreciated. Thank you Cindy R.
I'm a 51 year old married, working mom of a teenage daughter. I am struggling with some issues in my personal life, menopause, marriage, old baggage, etc. How do I go about finding a therapist that I can trust and can relate to?
I am in a second marriage and I don't think one of my sons approves of divorce & remarriage. I have two sons and they haven't spoken to each other in 8 years. Now the son who doesn't seem to approve is not talking to me for about 2 mos. Holiday is horrible.
I have had issues with self esteem for most of my life. To others looking at me, they would never suspect it as I keep up a good "face". But deep down inside my self talk is not good. I don't even quite know what's it saying but I know it's basically that I don't deserve good things to happen to me and that I'm not good enough. Right now my career is faultering, my finances are in ruin and I don't seem to have the motivation or will to get out of it. I'm a single mom, with an 11 year old son. I need to carry on for him, but I'm findng it very difficult.
I am trying to deal with a husband of 26 years,been together for 29 years.Who is dying. The problem I'm having is he is drinking,was in AA for 19 years, self
medicating. Just party on seem's to be his way of dealing with it. Then I have 3 sons, ages 25, 23, 22 who think he is crazy, and could care less about any of us. He has done whatever , whenever, our entire marriage but I always could handle it.Now I feel he is crossing the line,self pity, ect. He has several diseases,all brought on by his own bad personal behaviors. smoking,drinking,druging. I do not do any of those, but always tried to believe in him and HELP him. Now I feel it was for nothing and I'm scared of his death,we became a living together couple at 17, and I work full time always have. I will be ok finacialy ( if he dosent ruin us on purpose) I just do not understand how anyone can be so self centerd.Everyday he lies about where he is, he has and is cheating on me. I feel I cant leave him now because of his health. My sons would never forgive me
My husband has always treated anyone who wasn't "family" great - if you're family, it's like you're the very last on the list. Now I see the same behavior in my grown daughter. They desperately want everyone but family to love them, but treat family the worst. Is there a book or a name for this that I can read about?
I have been divorced for 11 years.Finally,after my youngest child
married, I decided to start dating again.I fell in love hard and got my heart broke.I cannot seem to get over him even though common sense tells me he was not the one. How do I cope with this and go on?
My husband and I have broke up after 14 yrs of marriage. my Daughter who is 13yrs old thinks very badly of her dad and dosent want to spend any time with him. We have remained friends. shes knows this but she really truly dose not want to spend time with him. she'll do almost anything not to be near him. any suggestions. Dee
Dear truie
What an amazing women you are, i could never stand and do what you are doing knowing all of the fact's. Your husband is taking you for granted if he is lieing and cheating. I know what is like to live with someone who is so self centerd that the world is all about them . I trully think that you are draining yourself by staying by his side let the person who he is cheating on you with take care of him, you don't want to loose what ever you got because of his bad habits, better late then sorry.I say you stop guilting your self i think you have done more then your share to help and support this man and he isn't going to change for no one. As difficult as this might be you must put an end to this for your own health and peace of mind. Theres nothing to feel guilty for you tried and did your best.It's time you think on you for a change.Good luck.
Truie one last thing if your son's don't understand your reasons for leaving your husband at this moment im sure they will one day. I say that they will come around and support you in the long run, and if they don't it will truly be their lost because they have an amazing mother, and anyone can see that just by listening to you speak. Trust the facts and remember that part of you is in your son's personality they will follow you. I'm sure they are greatful for you doing what you have done for the sake of everyone. You put them first it's time they did that for you. I would have a heart to heart talk with your son's before you make your decision and be totaly honest let your true self be heard and don't try to hide the pain from them like you have always done. For sure that they know that you are suffering kids sense these things and they are adults. Speak up sweety and you will be rescued and dearly loved.Follow your heart.
The part about your lying, cheating husband is very true! He's not a nice guy! He tells his buddy's that you trapped him into marrying him and that he never really loved you at all, just married you because he got you pregnant! He loved kids so that's why he wanted more. He was never around you was he? He threw himself into his work and going to all the sporting events and coaching his 3 boys. And look where that got you! My wife showed me this, so I responded. I would never do that to my wife! You are better off without him and can do better. Your kids will understand, I'm sure the stress of staying together is far worse. I'm sure they know what's going on.
Dear Truie Purcell:
The part about your lying, cheating husband is very true! He's not a nice guy! He tells his buddy's that you trapped him into marrying him and that he never really loved you at all, just married you because he got you pregnant! He loved kids so that's why he wanted more. He was never around you was he? He threw himself into his work and going to all the sporting events and coaching his 3 boys. And look where that got you! My wife showed me this, so I responded. I would never do that to my wife! You are better off without him and can do better. Your kids will understand, I'm sure the stress of staying together is far worse. I'm sure they know what's going on.
Yes, I've been with Truie's husband!
this is for truie, i , too , have lost time taking care of a stoner that is what i call anyone who ruins their life drinkig and just staying high . it escalates and the more you try to pull away the more maniplative and self absorb they become , they blame, blame everything and everyone . they feel no pain because they inflict it on others , take care of you dear , go out enjoy a movie , get your finances in order , be calculating , and be done with the parasite !!!!
this is for truie too...get rid of the louse...get a life of your own and take care of yourself. been there...done that...i'm better off without the lying cheating idiot i was with.
Truie, he's just going to keep cheating on you, you should just kick him out and take care of yourself and don't worry about him. The way you're living has to be worse on your kids thand if you make him leave.
truie...i've seen your husband stoned and drunk...he loves to have sex with drunk women too and has probably already given you something contagious...take care of yourself, get rid of him.
Truie...Take the advise of these people...they sound like they know what they are talking about. Everyone seems to care about you on here or they wouldn't give you all this advise. Good luck! Hey...let us know your outcome, we hope the best for you. GET RID OF HIM!
Truie, have you gotten rid of that jackass yet? Listen to these women, they seem to know what's best for you, don't worry about him and I'm sure your kids will understand. Do your kids all still live with you? They are all old enough to take care of themselves and so is your husband!
Truies not so innocent! I've seen her smoke pot and she's a school teacher!
no comment from psycho? your husband calls you psycho bi**ch! says you're crazy truie!
I bought my tracking gps at www.gpsspousetracking.com
Theirs didn't have any monthly fees and it just plugs into my usb port to retrieve information on where the vehicle traveled, stopped, for how long. etc.
Best regards and good luck,
jay
Maybe I can learn something new.
Bruce
My 19 yr.old son is going through a deep depression after her broke up with a girl after 1 year relationship. He's afraid of never finding a girl that isn"t on drugs and does love him the way he deserves. He works construction with my husband ,Iam suffurring watching him hurt! What can i do for his depression??????? Please Help Us!!!1
I don't think that all the truth be known. Truie not as innocent as she led everyone to believe.She often bragged to everyone how good she taken care of and she also fooled around,drank don't know about drugs but that wouldn't surprise me.The kids are intelligent and know both sides of the story.good luck to both of you.