Guess this leaves me, well totally clueless about this love thing!!!!!!!!

Thanks ma'am for this wonderful piece.
Its about time we came to the realization that love is not all about frilly curtains and straw berry for breakfast.

This is a great post. I agree that not feeling "in love" is no reason to end a marriage. It is frustrating to me when I hear people comment on their divorce and say something like, "Even though we couldn't make our marriage work, I still love and respect him/her." I say if you love him/her then there should be no reason for the divorce. Whatever disagreements there are could be worked out if both parties wanted to stay married.

Marketing sex to men will not help them find love, since obviously they are different. It is the old dilemma of giving in to lust vs giving in to love.

Love survives; lust cannot.

Just as wealth cannot indicate quality, lust cannot indicate love.

Teaching men (particularly) to find alternatives and substitutes for the real thing instead of the real thing does a great disservice to men, and to women. Teaching men and women to look beyond the package humans come in would help them to find what's inside the package - and is what counts.

Teaching men to rely on the package is foolish, and dangerous, and misses the entire point of individuality and intellect, emotion and spirituality that makes up a total human being.

I'm in a relationship with a man that I don't love at all, but he is a big help with our children. The thing that turned me off with his lies. I talked to him until I was blue in the face. Lieing TURNS OFF! please help me with this situation. I am tired of looking at him he makes my stomach turn.

Thank you for a much needed post at this point in my life..... I have been struggling with the "in love" notion for some time. Thank you.

I disagree that partners should remain together if they love each other but are not in love. They may love the other person as a friend, have a great respect for them, but should not be with that person. There's a certain feeling a person gets when they are with the one they are in love with, even if it's 10 years later. On the other hand, if both partners are happy with each other and are not 'in love' anymore, but do love each other as friends, they should remain together, but only if they want to. I've never been in that type of situation, but I do speak from experience regarding still being in love after being in a relationship for years. We should differentiate 'in love' from 'in lust' - two completely different feelings that we often confuse.

I am not married at present but I have been with my boyfriend for over a year. He is one of the best men I have ever known and I have an amazing and deep respect for him. I know that I care about him but for more than 70% of our relationship I have often felt bored. I have thought of breaking off the relationship several times as I often don't feel like we talk and communicate in the way I think we should. I want him to be the one to make me laugh and smile but that rarely happens. I am afraid that I am settling because in my heart I know that I still love someone else from a past relationship and don't seem to be able to let go of it. Any advice?

Wow this is a really hard topic. I have all the sudden asked myself all most all of these questions. I'm also in a dilemma, i have been married for seven years and have a child my marriege has been rocky but doinging ok better then before. But with babyfat and 40 pounds havier i feel like my husband doesn't look at me the same way, not to mention his new hoby is porn on the net. I don't feel loved and have thought of leaving but im scarred of missing him, but i trully don't think im in love withhim anymore. confused any advice would be helpfull

Dear chris the only thing i can say for sure is that if you know in your heart that you still think about your passed love you better not even consider marrying the one you are with now. I can promise you that you will always be thinking waht if and you won't be trully happy. Best luck i hope i helped.

Wonderful article- I've been confused by the "in love" / "love" comment for the past 15 years. A past boyfriend used that exact same comment from the article on me to break up. "I love you, but don't think I'm in love with you." blah, blah, blah... I've also had a friend who was a girl who had to always be pursuing new relationships. I think she was a "In love" junkie... Kind of neat to have seen this love debate from evidence in both men and women.

Thank you dreamgirl for the good advice. I do appreciate it!

Kris, you will probably feel in love with a past love for a long time.. a few years possibly. The only way to break away is to find someone who you love even more. Don't stay with your current person if you feel that way.
dreamgirl - you should speak with your husband, since this is something that really bothers your. You need to have things out in the open. It's not normal for him to have a new hobby of 'net porn. It's ok if he looks every now and then, but not all the time.

oh my... this is why i am so afraid of marriage. i've been to several relationships before & i really can't stay in love... too much familiarization, i guess. i kept looking forward to something new, something i hope will be better. but then this post really enlightened me. i know time will come, it'll be all up to me how to accept another person as he is.

thanks, Dr.Saltz -- this is one good scientific approach to most couples' crisis in staying together.

The part about repeating your parents' relationship really struck me. I've felt for a long time like I was incapable of love, because I've never "fallen in love" like in the movies. I thought you couldn't have a happy marriage or even call it love unless you felt that sort of drug-like rush. Part of what I based this on was the image of my parents, how much they obviously love each other and have loved each other from the moment they met. Then recently, when talking with them about my (now ended) relationship, they both separately admitted to me that my mother never "fell in love" with my father, either. In fact, she wasn't in love when they married, but she still knew it was a good relationship for her. She then grew to love him through the years, and is now very much in love with him. It gave me a lot of hope for myself; perhaps different people really do just love in different ways.

Thank you for all the comments. When I first found out about my husband's new hobby it was a once in a while thing but now has become an obsession. So if I didn't really have a problem before how can I say something now, and what would I say? He would still do it anyways. My husband doesn't know the meaning of the word people, and feelings. I would have to disagree with Mary I have never forgotten my first love, and I think about him alot sometimes and it's been so long and it doesn't hurt any less then what it did back then. I'm always asking maybe I should have just stayed with him fought for him, but how can you compete with your best friend. I was betrayed twice by him and my dearest friend who was like a sister to me. That passion fire that i had for him I never felt again and I don't think I ever will. One more thing my husband does that he never did before is now he will flirt with girls at the local coffee shop where we stop everyday and he will flirt in front of me, makes me look like an idiot.

Love? What does an eighteen year old knows about love? Is it the crush that any can have with a different guy everyday? I know nothing of love, because everything that I thought I knew it seems to not be so. Maybe is foolish thoughts, maybe is being young, but until you meet someone that though there is no such thing as perfection, in your eyes, is a race that he seems to go against. What does youth know about love? is a comment that many times I hear, because we are not old enough, and so on. I never been a fool, and many times being called cold, but to me, until there is someone who you know it would be your constant competition, who push each other to success and greatness, and of course passion is as unpredictable as being sure that you can expect romance, all novels and the perfect love they show, all comments am told of being young, and everything that deals with believing that there is someone out there for anyone, there is no such thing as love. Show me what I want and thrive, then I'll believe in love.

Thanks Mary, your help is much appreciated. Dream girl, I was married for 11 years. One of the main reasons my marriage ended in divorce is because of your situation. At first my husband only looked at it once and awhile. Than over the course of time it became an obsession to the point that every free moment when he was home he would be on the computer looking at it even with my family in the room! He just tried being sneaky but I caught him. Then I noticed he was looking at online dating sites and realized that things were beyond repair. It becomes an unhealthy addiction to some men and you can't make him stop.

Just to clarify, I never said that a person forgets about their first/biggest love, but I did say that they will eventually get over that person when they meet someone who they love as much or even more. Oftentimes, especially when you're feeling down about yourself and your relationships, you will idealize that previous love and not see its downsides, but you must remember why it ended.
Luckily I am with my first and biggest love for the past 6 years and hope to be with him for the rest of my life. Of course we have our ups and downs, but it's the familiarity, the fact that even if we have a huge argument, we'll still love each other afterwards. That's what draws us together.
BTW, even though i've never lost my love, I have a very close friend who did. They broke up and he was thinking about her 5 relationships and 2 years later. Now, he is in a stable, loving relationship and I don't think he thinks about his past love anymore.
Just something to consider..

Besy - I think you're trying to be too poetic with your post. And you ask what an 18 y/o knows about love? When I was 16 I fell in love with my best friend (17) and he felt the same about me. By the time I was 18, I was talking about moving in together, he felt it was too early. Finally, at 21 (he was 22), we moved in together.
An 18 y/o might want to rush in, but put some rationality and patience behind it, and things will flow smoothly.

Dear Kris
I can totally relate to everything you have said, that's my fear that he is so into it that he will become so addicted to it. I told him yesterday that it's not wright for him to get home have supper and rush to the computer and both me and his son not hear one word out of him for the rest of the night. I just gave it to him straight!

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 7 years now. We have had our ups and downs. Recently he told me that he doesn't like me and that he doesn't know he loves me. I know I love him but there are days its hard to love him. The decisions he makes makes me question his love for me. The situation with him now is that I used to live at his parents house and moved out because we used to fight a lot and disagree with different things.One of those things is that after I moved out his ex-wife moved in with her kids to his house. He is daddy to her eldest son .He says he is helping a friend out cause she is homeless no where to go, that I shouldn't worry and doesn't want his son to suffer. He wants his son close I do understand that but I think that he has no bussiness helping the mother out since thier are not in a relationship. I also have a son from this "man". My son is 6 months old. I don't like going to his house b/c she is there.I feel out of place. Please give me some advice for this situation

Wish things wore easier on you, but the truth is they aren't. I can understand your boyfriend helping out the mother of his child. If she trully didn't have no where to go then thats fine, but what i would be asking next is for how long is she staying and whats her plan of action.Is she going to look for a job. As for you feeling out of place i say you probably do and with reason but anyone in your shoes would, you have got to ignore that little voice inside your head you also have a son by this man and you have just as much wright to be there, unless you are told not to be. As for your boyfriend saying that he doesn't love you, my husband said the same thing to me before and i have felt the same way you have . I trully believe that you do love each other sometimes the hard times makes our love feel like its gone or no where to be found.Hang in there if you can trully see that its worth waitting for him to realize his feelings and obligations to you and your son. Sometimes you only realize what you got when its

(cont)
gone. I think that you and yourboyfriend really need to have a conversation with each other and be totaly honest with one another.There's no point in false hope or becoming enamies if you continue to lie about how you feel you owe it to your son to resolve this but one thing make this conversation about the two of you not no one else ,don't bring baggage to the table and also ex's. It's the now here we are what to do next. Trust me if you love each other and you follow these rules i garantee you that the days will look much nicer in the future. Wish you all the luck sweety and faith peace.Good luck confused and frustrated

I have been with my man for 4 years now, we're engaged but too poor to afford a proper marriage (which is fine by both of us because we know we are committed to eachother) we have a daughter together (she's 2) we have been through the worst of the worst and we are still very much "in love" with eachother. I think one of the main problems couples have is communications. Rather than like a couple I know who have been together for 8 years and do nothing but fight and argue every 2 days without any kind of resolution. When I see them, I look at my man and I am thankful we are not like that. If we have an issue we may get angry but after the dust settles we sit down and talk about what and why we were angry about in the first place. It gives you an insight as to what your paretner is thinking and feeling, and it makes me love him all that much more. I still have those "lust/in love" feelings for him that I had when we had first laid eyes on eachother, and he tells me every day how lucky he is to have me...:)

If it does not feel right there is likly a reason. Do not waste your life on a hope of it getting better .A tiger does not change its stripes . One can be lonely ,frustrated ,emotionaly abused with this relation .At leased if you left it ,you would have your dignity!! Fourty years later and I am sorry to say I am still waiting for the stripes to change ! How sad .

Please help!

Several years ago I met a guy but our timing was off. He was busy finishing law school and I was involved with someone and at the time my 2 children were toddlers . We remained in contact and hung out briefly after my relationship ended but never had sex. W e flirted intensely and even showered together but never had intercourse. So he graduates law school, his mother dies, and he moves across the state. We kept in touch but I began seeing someone else.(whom I still am dating.) I once during a fight with my current man was going to drive across state and visit my old friend. It fell through and shortly after he met someone and became engaged.And I had gotten back with my boyfriend. Then he moved back to my town with his fiancee. We talked this whole time but never saw one another.Then one night we meet up at a hotel and have sex and it was amazing-- Several weeks later the night of his bachelor party I meet his friend and him at a 24 hr restaurant. We eat then drive back to his house in which his fiancee lives.

with him as well but she was out of town. I was at work earlier so I shower then we not only have sex but make love. It was passionate and so emotionally intense. He acknowledged we had a connection like no other yet couldn't call off his wedding so far into it. So we remain in contact but I disappear out of respect for his marriage. He offers me dating advice and ends a letter with "I often wish that it was YOU that I was waking up next to." We make plans to do lunch etc. but I cancel everytime. So then he invites me to his office one night and makes sexual innuendos. Thinking this was my only purpose to him I become infuriated and email him that I would love to be his friend but he chose to marry his wife and she should be fulfilling his needs not I-- after all she was childless, established, and came from a great family which is why she got a ring instead of him and I dating. So he writes back and makes all these "If you were married to me" statements and "If we were dating..." He is always complimentary and

if he ever does have something to say about my faults he does so constructively. He explained that his wife and him were like best friends and get along but the sex has become infrequent and boring and she is kind of self centered and has changed since they got married. He says if they divorced it would not be that big of a deal emotionally for either one of them. So I cry and cry because this man who I love to hang out with when we do, whom I have similar interests, I have passionate sex with, and who balances me and vice/ versa is not available. So he calls me the next day and we agree to meet during my dinner break at work. We eat ice cream and chat and kiss and hug but very cautiously at the same time. It had been over a year but you would have never known except by the ring on his finger. We make plans for 2 days later when his wife is out of town. And yes I am still involved with the same man mentioned earlier. What do I do? Do I become involved in an affair or is it a given I will end up hurt?

Prompt there are programs of the help poor in the field of health protection? WBR LeoP

Dear Extremely Confused,
I think that your Passion Man is using
you. He fantasizes about you when he
should be devoting himself to his wife
and trying to improve his marriage.

He should seek advice on how to improve
his communications with his wife. If
he cheats on her, he will cheat on you.

He is bored at times and remembers the
special times with you.

I have been there. My Passion Man is
always seeking affirmation of his
manhood and starting new relationships.
I thought I was special when he sought
me out at different times in my
marriage and after my husband died.

But, he likes the conquest and not the
daily routines of a relationship.

One cannot live in the past. We all
have feelings and memories but we
tend to remember the good times the
most.

Try to have a healthy relationship with
your boyfriend and forget Mr. Passion
Man. You will be hurt, believe me, if
you think he will marry you and be
loyal. It won't happen.

What is meant health protection? It is necessary to increase deductions from the budget in free-of-charge medical clinics. WBR LeoP

You are right! Thank you! If he really wants to date me and does not see his marriage repairing itself then he would file for divorce and not use me as a crutch. I have to respect my self enough to say I deserve a man that wants to date me/ marry me Hope this helps anyone else...

i am married for 5yrs.i put up a facade of a happy wife in love with her husband , while in reality i was very unhappy. i felt lonely and cheated in my marriage. but i am not able to let him go. he had an affair, which he says is over, but he does not make any effort to save our marriage. i reach out to him ,but he pushes me away.he really broke my heart.i truly belive that we can be happy if we resolve out issues, but he is just not trying now.sadly, i still love him and yearn for him. he is the only person that i loved or even had a relationship with. we have a 3yr old son .i dont want a divorce.i want him to realise that i love him and am willing to give him a chance.how can i do that?i have this wrenching pain in my heart that does not go away.please help me.

I have a problem with my boyfriend.I know he would never physically cheat on me but he keeps smsing these chat rooms and adult entertainment adverts in the paper.last wkend I found all these smses on his phone from all these stripper type chat rooms. Its happened before a few times and I've asked him not to do it everytime and he keeps smsing these girls.He says he does it cause he gets bored,but why doesnt he just sms me.he mostly seems to do this when hes using narcotics.I never really set the bounderies and told him its me or his "Adult entertaiment buddies".But I did last wkend. For the 1st time in this situation I stood up for myself.An it felt good. Hes the kind of guy who uses reverse psychology and makes it look like its my fault.I would never do anything like this or cheat on him and he knows it.I am quite a jealous person but I dont try control him unless Im telling him to stop doing this. Ive told him how much it hurts me and he knows it does but he keeps doing this Why? Any1 got some advice I Love him

Love... real love, no games brings unspeakable feelings and even in a long relationship, your prince or princess is someone who is unselfish and vulnerable. Once you lose the ability to be vulnerable , every relationship will be come as many have mentioned. Unfulfilled.

To: Looking for advice

Hey i dont know who you are...but i am in the exact same situation as you. I have been in my current relationship for 6 months now. From the beginning i noticed exessive use of the net. I did question him about it but all i got was "i am working, do u have a problem". I never did bother to check wat was going on. Then in the 3rd month i realised he was into a online affair, he used to call her and msg her. Then wen i starting investigating i found out that he uses the internet for relations on the net(always sexual). He has told me a million lies to cover wat he did....i dont know if he will change .... and i am not going to wait for him to change...i am moving on...and so should anyone who is in my position. There is no reason to take any shit from anyone. If someone is not willing to give up an addiction for love then he loves the addiction more than u...be brave...u are u...stand by your policies....u can do any thing u set your mind to ....dont live by anyone...live by yourself...

Love comes in three forms in the Greek:

a) eros

b) philos

c) agape

I'll let you figure this one out.

Bruce