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Can You Stay Friends with an Ex?
Just because you and your partner break up, does it mean you have to lose the other meaningful relationships that came with it? The answer is…maybe.
Actually one of the more painful parts of splitting up can be that the very people you want to turn to for support, to cry on their shoulder, to help fill up your now vacant time could be the people who seem to “belong” to your ex. Whether it is your ex’s friend or family members, it’s terrible to feel that part of your loss may end up being these other people you like or care about.
So then you wonder “Why can’t I keep them? “
The problem is that involvement with people who stay closely connected with your ex is likely to keep you involved and entrenched with that ex. Many split-ups are angry ones and even after many years, the anger can continue. Often your hurt makes you wish they too are hurting, and having a mutual friend keeps you checking in to see how they are doing. You tend to stay wrapped up in the drama, making it more difficult to move on. Similarly your ex is likely to feel angry that you are trying to “take” their friend and this keeps them wishing for retaliation.
Staying involved with your ex’s family can be more gratifying if it is a mutual attempt to raise the children, however, it can also be more distressing. This is because people tend to feel even more ownership about their families and therefore could feel hurt and betrayed about their family members “fraternizing” with the ex.
The big pothole is the “why” you want to stay connected. Too often it is an attempt to either hold onto your ex or a wish to torture them by making them feel envious and insecure. Neither helps you move on, heal and find someone else. It is easy to lie even to yourself about your motivations.
If you want to maintain a friendship…
1. Ask yourself why? And be honest about it.
2. Do not make the friend or family member choose sides.
3. If its family, focus on the children
4. Do not discuss the ex!
5. Reevaluate periodically if it is constructive or destructive.
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I think how ironic it is, that the Secret works because of reprogramming our sub conscious minds, and that the antagonist on the show is in the field where it happens and yet is oblivious to it.
Proof enough for me we are right on track.
The Secret is getting hotter and now the attacks begin, but James Ray held his own.
Plus remember Ms. Fields, energy flows where attention goes, and whether or not you believe it, the Law of Attraction is still working in your life.
Renee
Your whole argument is that there is no scientific evidence, so the Secret must not work. I disagree. Where is the scientific evidence for religion? I am a Christian, and know of very little scientific evidence to back my belief system up, but when I ask myself about it, I know it is a belief based on faith; that is what religion is. So as to scientific evidence, I don't believe that many care about that when it comes to what one chooses to believe in, as many Americans base their lives on beliefs that there is little to none evidence for.
Congratulations for your talk on Today show, for challenging the teachings of âSecretâ.
I agree that the Secret can be misleading and harmful. Though I agree to influencing inner power to change the outcome of your actions, there is no single capsule or Secret to remove the agitations or sorrows forever. And the key word here is Forever. The mind is neither that simple nor that easy to make lasting change. That requires work. The Secret is only in knowing and doing what has to be done with a prayerful attitude that the Universal spirit would be with me to help others and myself. If anyone came upon using the Secret DVD and found helpful, that too was because of ones past and present actions. There is no short cut to Success. There is no Secret to happiness because happiness is your real nature. And discovering âThatâ True nature of the Self is called a Secret in Vedanta philosophy, because itâs not readily available till you seek.
Lata Pimplaskar
test
First,what is "dr." Gail Saltz a doctor of? Psychiatry? How does that qualify her to knowledgeably comment on The Secret? What and how much scientific evidence does she think is necessary to establish an acceptable health process? Careful, you will quickly and easily contradict yourself; especially in the THEORETICAL field (not science) of psychiatry. Show us the science and proof of psychiatry! Dangerous statements? Dangerous statements are made by doctors all of the time. And the scary part is that people believe them and hold their statements in high regard for no apparent good reason. Another danger coming from psychiatry is Ritalin; a drug proven more addictive than cocaine. Any supporter of this method is dangerous. Where's your science in this approach?
Interesting that the people and career field most negatively affected by new, helpful, innovative health ideas are the loudest and most active critics. IF it works, USE IT. Dangerous is continuing with unproductive "we don't have a cure" treatment/care.
I would like to ask a simple question as my "open" to this topic: Have you seen or read The Secret? Please do NOT try to tell the "masses" your opinions on this subject if said opinions are coming from an uneducated perspective! I'll admit that at the onset, The Secret would appear to be "new agey" or even to prey on the wants and needs of an emotionally and mentally wounded society! The other side of that is you are also catering to those societal "needs" and profiting (abundantly) as such! There is nothing NEW in The Secret aside from the fact that this historically accepted "Universal Law" is now being exposed so more people can reclaim their God given right to control their own lives! Mediocrity will ALWAYS attack EXCELLENCE, Fear consistantly comes from a place of lack! So, let me ask you a final question: What "lack" in your own life causes you to "fear" the message of The Secret and what "mediocre" acheivements make you feel the need to "attack" the "excellence" that exists in the message of The Secret?
I'm commenting on this Blog "Can you stay friends with an Ex" - ABSOLUTELY. When one is an adult - we show up as an adult. When you have loved someone and shared a life with them - there is no reason you cannot remain friends. I totally disagree with you on this Dr. Yes, there is a certain "time period" but once we've had a chance to de-tox and clear our minds and accept responsbility for the mistakes we've made in the relationship - we certainly can be adult enough to remain cordial.
Mary Baker Eddy (Discoverer and Founder of Christian Science) included the following statement in answer to her critics:
Agassiz, the celebrated naturalist and author, wisely said: "Every great scientific truth goes through three stages. First, people say it conflicts with the Bible. Next, they say it has been discovered before. Lastly, they say they have always believed it." -- A MISSTATEMENT CORRECTED, Boston Journal, June 8, 1903
"In an affidavit by Mary Spaulding, wife of the famous violinist Alfred Spaulding, was preserved a conversation she had with Albert Einstein in the New York City Reading Room on 42nd Street. Dr. Einstein's high regard for Science and Health [by Mary Baker Eddy] is reflected in the following: 'Science and Health is beyond this generation's understanding. It is the _pure_ science. And, to think that a woman knew this over eighty years ago!'"
Great spirits have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds. -- Albert Einstein, US (German-born) physicist (1879 - 1955)
After reading other comments, I feel it has all been said. How common you are and your comments. You could have said so much, you chose to say so little. However, a show like the Today Show has alot of power. How unfortunate you chose to take away the little guys dream.
Twenty two years ago, I turned to Natural Medicine as doctors were unable to cure my son. I was confronted back then with very negative comments from the media and my peers. Here we are 22 years later and Natural Medicine is now being touted by all. I have been healthy and so has my family due to my ability to stay focused on what made sense to me and worked for my family.
You are an embarrasment to the Today Show. I would hope, the people that read "The Secret", do not put it down and actually think that the message was, "wish for it".
How sad and pathetic you are. You are the destroyer of faith.
Meredith should have done the show and Today should look to the positive aspect of the book, not try to destroy something that we need.
I think everybody has a write to their own opinion. If you are a firm believer and know in you hart that the Secret works, the doctors comments should not bother us. Some people are so wrapped up in sience that they just can't or won't see the bigger picture.All I can say, you will some day !!! everything has it's time and place, and for some it's just not the time or the place jet.
In bashing the doctor we are doing NOT what the Secret is trying to teach us. Have loving and positive thought towards everything energy. That includes all the skeptics.
One and a half years ago, I sat in a home filled with mold, rats, electrical issues and back rent to pay. My work was horrible, my self esteem was shot. Now, I have a great job, pay my bills on time, pay my rent 2 months in advance, am about to purchase my dream car, have money in savings, have more self esteem, and above all, am happy. I have no needs, just a few desires. The job part happened before viewing the Secret. The rest happened after viewing the Secret. How did this help me? By showing and teaching a few basic concepts that apply to the Law of Nature. Very simple, the Law of Attraction. Since I understand the concepts of energy and some on quatiums, it was, at first difficult to apply and erase my fears. However, once I slipped through that "NO FEAR" my world came to a place that I thought I would never see nor could even achieve.
The Secret gives each person the opportunity to choose sanity rather than insanity. I choose sanity..THANK YOU Universe and the Secret.
Regarding "The Secret" - how wonderful it is that in a world often viewed as being filled with despair & hopelessness, a little movie would come into our lives that could actually become a catalyst for change. I saw it 8 months ago, am filled with joy about its positive message, and in a simple, straightforward way, it has transformed my life and my job as a nurse. Thank you to James Ray & Dr. Saltz for discussing "The Secret" this morning!
Dr. Saltz,
I don't believe that you have seen The Secret. It's not about wishful thinking at all. It's about believing in yourself and following your passions and going with the flow of life. It's about feeling good and finding inner peace and joy through gratitude and love.
You can have, be or do anything you want. I don't think anyone honestly believes that they will be happy in life sitting on a couch all day visualizing. It's about listening to your inner voice and moving in the direction of what thrills you and not doubting yourself. Most people don't live the lives they want because they are afraid and doubt themselves. They give up before they ever really get started. We all have that inner voice, but sometimes the outside voices and chaos block us from listening.
The mind can heal you from anything and everything. Not everyone can do it because many people do not believe that they can. And whatever you believe will show up for you.
Fortunately, a person doesn't need Dr. Gail, any other so-called "expert," the government, churches, science or the Man in the Moon to help them figure out if the Secret is real or not. JUST APPLY IT TO YOUR OWN LIFE with the RIGHT ATTITUDE. Case closed. Looks like Dr. Gail and the rest of those who make their living on other people's woes will have to find a new career.
Have you ever asked yourself,"who/what beats my heart"?
We never have to ask this question because built inside of us is the Holy Spirit that is connected to God/The Natural Law of the Universe that keeps it pumping. We just assume that it is going to keep beating on it's own.
What makes a seed sprout? We don't know, we know that it just does.
It's the same energy that beats our hearts and makes a seed sprout and that makes the Universe sustain life.
We cannot see this energy, but in our hearts we know that it exist.
I own both the DVD and book on "The Secret". I have read countless books on self-help and spirituality, New Age, and and so on. Never have I been so affected by an influence that has literally transformed my sense of self, self-worth and self-esteem. I am bipolar and I feel I have benefited from this "work" at an amazing spiritual level! I am in shock that I am only now in touch with my true self. I am not "stuck" in life. That the "now" is more important than the past or future. We are "free" in the present. That one moment--use it to create your life in a positive way. This is a highly spiritual work and if you don't feel any benefit from it, then you are simply not ready. We all are on different spiritual levels. We all have our own eyes and minds to interpret all that is. We see things differently, think differently, live differently. But we know what is right and true, when we "feel" it. I "feel" whole now. There was always something missing. No longer! I believe in myself and it "feels" great!
I own both the DVD and book on "The Secret". I have read countless books on self-help and spirituality, New Age, and and so on. Never have I been so affected by an influence that has literally transformed my sense of self, self-worth and self-esteem. I am bipolar and I feel I have benefited from this "work" at an amazing spiritual level! I am in shock that I am only now in touch with my true self. I am not "stuck" in life. That the "now" is more important than the past or future. We are "free" in the present. That one moment--use it to create your life in a positive way. This is a highly spiritual work and if you don't feel any benefit from it, then you are simply not ready. We all are on different spiritual levels. We all have our own eyes and minds to interpret all that is. We see things differently, think differently, live differently. But we know what is right and true, when we "feel" it. I "feel" whole now. There was always something missing. No longer! I believe in myself and it "feels" great!
I have applied the Law of Attraction in my lifesince September last year. I can honestly say from deep in my heart, this has helped me change my life for the better! I have the life of my dreams now! When I slowed down, focused and asked myself what I really wanted, it took a while to get past the old beliefs and decide what I really want! (I'm still doing it every day!) I have a magnificent life with many things to be grateful for. The Secret opened my eyes and my heart to a whole new way of life. I feel good on so many levels of my being now. I feel love and joy and a passion for life! That is what I truly wanted! I wanted to be happy and feel inspired and have dreams and believe they do come true! I feel better than I ever have and everything in my life is better than it was 6 months ago. Is it real? Can it heal you or change your life? Can it make you successful? Can you use it to get what you want?
"If you believe you can or you believe you can't either way you are right."
Dr Gail Saltz,
The Secret is briljant !!!!!!!!!!!
You are just being used by the media .....like a puppet
You are an atheiist.....pur sang
And what s so "interesting" or "good" or "false" about the fact that IT IS or IS NOT SCIENTIFIC .........
??????????
Only people like : Catholic Church, Media , PHarmaceutical industry etc etc
Your dictatorship is over .........................bye bye bye
hahahahha
hahahahah
Gail, how did you get where you are? Was it scientifically done? How many people have you inspired as a "psychiatrist." Bad, really bad! Do you believe in anything other than yourself? Do you stand for anything? Matt wasn't too bright with his comment on Rhonda Byrne backing out at the last minute. Let the Law of Attraction and your Ego do their thing! Our world is a mess and the Media is responsible for filling the minds of American people full of garbage and a lot of it. It's time for a shift in thinking. The World Needs It! People need to learn to think, assume responsibliity for their lives and circumstances and know that "you can change your circumstances by changing your thinking". Miracles have been happening since the beginning of time.
she could care less about the secret. some producer at the today show called her to ask if she wanted face time on TV and she said YES!!! They needed someone in opposition and she happily obliged. Now she can can add that appearance on the today show to her resume. Her mom can now brag to her manicurist that her darling daughter was on TV the other day.
Mediocrity will ALWAYS attack EXCELLENCE
Something with a positive message is highly needed in the world. We are controlled and manipulated by the medical profession, our politicians, the press and yes, psychiatrists. There are other ways to experience this world, not ONE way of thinking or living. The Secret has transformed many lives. Yes, it may be the same message with different packaging but I would say the World is ready, we are hungry for CHANGE in the dysfunctional way we are disempowered in this world. Why should I pay a psychologist for 10 years some ridiculously huge rate to 'solve' my problems and keep me dependant? Why shouldn't I pay a comparitively small pittance to those who give me tools to direct the fate of my own life/experience. The Secret is DANGEROUS??? PLEASE, we are exposed to FAR more dangerous methods of manipulation on a daily basis in this world just from the daily media we confront - the Today Show for one. James Arthur Ray really knows his stuff - a bit of education on contemporary science might not hurt other modalities.
The Secret is a compilation of great teachings throughout history. It's a very well put together format for everyone to be able to use and understand. It's progressive. Smart people everywhere see that it is a fantastic tool. Step by step instructions on how to love yourself and make yourself happy. It is right. I know it. I feel it. I love it. I love me. This recipe Ask with gratitude-Beleive with gratitude-Receive with gratitude, changed my life from unhappy to happy. That is fact just as all of the science in it is as well. Science and religious teachings are in agreement now. There is celelbration in this connection. I thank you Dr. Saltz. Thank you for providing contrast. I can provide proof that following this time honored recipe for happiness works. Since I saw The Secret, I have had only two suicidal thoughts. Before I saw The Secret, I had at least 5 per day. You as a psychologist know that anyone with ptsd who's alienated themselves from family will tell you that death wish is constant. SECRET
I don't have a problem with my current partner staying in touch with his ex, however, I do have a problem with them staying in such close contact. They text message or call each other 3 times a week, or more, and when he visits the City she lives in, she pretty much always makes herself available to get together with him when he has plans to see their mutual friends. They have now been apart for 9 years, and she has yet to move on with her life. I find this unacceptable and have found out that there have been many times he snuck around to see her and never shared that with me.
Regarding being friends with an Ex. I feel if you choos to keep peace in your life, then yes! If you truley loved that someone, shared a life with, & if both parties agree then you can remain friends. I do not agree that it must involve a subliminal motive. Sometimes there is a healing period but once we accept responsbility for our mistakes made in the relationship, then you can. I unfortunately have divorced twice but have maintained a friendship with both ex's AND their families. I feel that it is great for my children. Even though my kids parents do not live together they know they are still raised by both and can see a healthy relationship. Could I have been angry YES, would it have gained anything NO. And who would have hurt the most,the kids. Due to the maturity and friendship by both parties during the cases of divorce all decisions about property, custody, & support were decided between us on our own and our kids are aware. They appreciate that they are not pawns in the divorce game.
Thank you Dr. Salz for bringing this very important discussion into the public forum. I am a producer in Australia and would like to interview you further on this matter for a upcoming program which will delve into the possibilities of health and mind power. We would like to incorporate qualified medical opinions from people such as yourself.
If you would like more information please contact Ms. Gray at our email address tv@edenleaf.com
I find this all this blog really disappointing. Is this the mentality we're perpetuating? Hasn't this "Believe what I believe!" way of thinking gotten the world in enough trouble? I know very little if anything about this 'Secret' you all speak of & I'm not convinced at all. You seem to be making a generalization of all people that don't agree with you. That they're 'wrong', 'Atheist', etc. You don't know each other! If it works for you, why can't you just be content in that knowledge and simply let others choose otherwise. So they don't agree with you, so what. Historically religion has a nasty habit of instigating fighting over who's right and who's wrong, killing over it even. We are all individuals. We each have what works for us. The way we live, the way we think and what we choose to believe or not believe. Find what works for you and don't worry about anyone else. Let them figure out what works for them on their own. As long as you are doing no harm to yourself or others just leave it at that.
Sad to say, some women just retain the male relationships developed.
Bruce
Yes, you can stay friends with your EX! I just came back from out of town visiting my "ex" mother ( my "ex" mother-in-law) who is terminally ill. YES you can stay friends with both even though you don't agree with them!
I am better friends now with my "EX" then the last five years of our marriage. My mother-in-law was very mean to me, but that is no excuse. I am over it!
Some people think it is sick when I have dinner, invite my "ex" over, etc. with my companion. The three of us get along fine...we help each other out (and there is no swinging or hankey pankey going on). I am a one man woman!
It is growing and acting like adults!!!