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Women's Lot or Women's Choice?
Many, many women struggle with managing all the facets of their lives.
Feeling torn between work, marriage, home, kids, and friends makes life feel like always playing you’re playing catch-up. Looking over at their spouse, I hear a lot of women expressing that they have gotten the short end of the stick. It seems as though men have the privilege to focus on their work without worrying about the responsibilities of taking care of the home and kids. It is true that usually women are the children’s primary caretaker and women are primarily responsible for the home. It is also true that one person cannot possibly do it all and do it all well.
Sharing responsibility is necessary. But while many women want their spouse to step up to the plate and share the caretaking and the home care, they still want to have the primary say. They want to decide how the kids will be raised, be there for the doctor’s appointment, the school show, and dole out the cookies after school. They want to be the one to decide how the house will look and household will be run. There is nothing wrong with wanting these things, but it does make what appears to be an unfair lot in life, more a matter of having many choices.
Now, having many choices is very difficult, because actually you can't choose them all. But society doesn't really afford men the chance to take the kid to the pediatrician and decide how the living room will be decorated. A man leaving work to go to the doctor for his child’s check up is not given the same understanding. What if he really wanted to be there to hear how much his son weighs and how much he has grown or hold his daughter while she gets a shot and get to talk to the doctor? As a mother, I know I really want to be there to do that. I know it will be understood if I take time to do that. It also means I have to make that choice, do I take time away from work to do that or not? My answer is "yes"...but it is still a choice. Thinking of it as a choice doesn't make it any less difficult to take the time to do it, but it does remind me that actually I want to do it.
The framework of difficult choices is different than an unfair lot thrust upon you. What do you think — do women have more choices to make or are they just stuck with unfair responsibilities?
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"Claiming to be stuck with unfair responsibilities" has become such a mantra that it's used by those it pertains to as well as those it doesn't. Some of those NOT stuck are not above exaggerating their plight in order to get ahead...ahead of those who are more deserving in many cases.
Once upon a time there lived a professional woman who was making more money in her high profile position than any of her counterparts...male or female. This woman still lives, still considers herself the fairest of them all and still complains that her gender is cheated at every turn.
One would think that this fair lady lives the life of pre-prince Cinderella, clad in rags while engaged in back breaking "man"ual labor...when in reality, the Manolo fit and she moved into the castle. But like the fishwife who couldn't be satisfied, she shows no gratitude for ascending to the throne. What more could she possibly want...viewers?
The ceiling has long been broken, but she continues to huff and puff greedily ever after.
Our Choices
From unreal "beauty" standards
Dove says we should be free
Size 2 fashion samples...
Dove says they're not the key
"Beauty" is within us all
We simply have to be...
Able to acknowledge it
Look beyond skin deep to see
We'd save a lot of money
Without the spending spree
Which leads us on the endless quest
To find... adequacy
We've been sold a message
So gullible are we
For the sake of "beauty"
Risking pain and injury
Chinese feet used to be bound
If the person was a she
T'was the price of "beauty" then
Now stilettos...the same fee
We've crammed into Manolos
Smiling from our glee
But now that Dove has spoken
No more of those for me
My footwear now is comfy
It allows me now to flee
To downtown homeless shelters
Where my help needs to be
I want to pay it forward
So hope you'll hear my plea
Take what you would have spent on
Shoes and give to charity
The emptiness you felt before
Will vanish suddenly
When your inner beauty
Is finally set free
Most of the time, I don't see it as unfair. While the man is out getting the money, the woman is at home making sure the house looks nice and watching over the children. A good man will pitch in when he gets home from the work. "Unfair responsibilites" come in when the man thinks he's done his duty by going to work and that's it.
That said, I think it's wrong that workplaces don't give men the same understanding that they give women when it comes to their kids. Fathers are just as important as mothers.
Truly enjoying taking care of my family full-time I would often try to make a truly insecure and immature doctor/husband understand that his wife/Me loved him very much and was totally on his side in all things. When that didn't work, I just felt that by taking care of my son, husband, and home, that somehow my actions would speak for themselves by continuing in a very loving way to care for them. . .that somehow my husband would have that "light bulb" going off experience of "hey, out of all of the things she could be doing with her life right now, she chooses home and family and son instead. . .she truly does love me." Even though my approach made a lot of sense to me for many years, what ultimately happened was that the insecure husband became jealous of how very well I was doing and reacted against me. The downward spiral of my life since then actually became a blessing in disguise. Sometimes I feel like I am in Limbo and other times I am learning a lot about myself. My life. . .the best is yet to come.
I have a neurology disease and am on disability. My problem is that my employer sees me and thinks that I am fine. I don't know how to make them understand that it is my brain and speech that is a hindrance to me. Any suggestions would be helpful.
Society DOES give men the choice to take their child to the pediatrician's office. In fact, society even gives men the choice to stay home after their new child is born to bond with their new family.
So why is it that we still can't afford women the same choices? I may make the same money as my male counterparts because of a civil service that no longer depends on patronage, but that is not the case in the private sector.
However even as a civil sevant, I cannot realistically maintain employment while pregnant in my physical job that yields a higher income than my husband. In fact, without my income, I don't think we'd be able to keep our home. While my in-laws think I should quit my job and sell our house so we can give them grandchildren, why should I have to make that choice when none of my male counterparts do? When the quality of my work is as good as or even better than theirs, this seems totally absurd.
MTD. Thank you for your comment. While I am the main bread winner all I ever wanted was to be the "good wife and mother". Your letter is my life as well. I am at the point now that I accept that my marriage is done. The most important thing is my children. While I have only one that is under 18. The kids have shown me by their choice in life that I have been, and still am, a good mother. That's the best thing any woman could hope for. As for a wife, I believe I have been a good wife to my husband. Unfortunately, that light bulb never lit for him either. As you said "The best is yet to come".
Men have the same problems when successful, only when men are acting responsibly, they usually get blamed for something they don't do in fact.
Bruce