I think it is a cycle...I watched my grandmother treat my mom badly and most of the time it was because of jealousy. My Mom had more and nicer things than my grandmother and it was a source of contention...I also see my Mom reacting to me the same way at times....I try to avoid problems by realizing she doesn't do it out of meanness but rather a lack of self esteem. Creating experiences that build self esteem in girls are more widely available these days with more sports and clubs open to girls....so hopefully, these kinds of situations will resolve themselves in the future.. if not just keep in mind, a mother's love is unconditional, not always perfect. I don't neccessarily think it is a situation limited to mothers and daughters...it isn't about jealousy at all, it is about Esteem. It is the greatest gift besides love we can give our children.

How do I know if my mom is jealous or just doesn't like me?
She is hurting one of my daughters in the process.

The story of the jealous husband shooting his wife's student is heartbreaking. Many lives have been irrevocably altered, the most innocent being the two young children in the family.

It seems there are many things in society now that rob children of the innocence of childhood.

There are many in the media who believe that boundaries are a bad thing. They portray illicit activity as something to strive for...the height of fun and freedom. Rarely is the fallout from such behavior fully reported.

One would think that stories of sexual predators would be presented as the serious threat that it is. Instead, we hear promos done in voices that are clearly meant to present these stories in a salacious manner.

The overwhelming message being sent by the media is that all sex is good, boundaries are bad, kids aren't as important as ubiquitous sex. Even the sexual exploitation of children is used by the media as fodder for titillation.

Journalists pry into the sordid details like the voyeurs they are.

Oh why didn't I listen to my mother? Mother's have years of sage life experience. Listen to your Mother she has your best interest in her heart. You can use the advice or not but give her the respect of listening.

You will never find out if your mother is jealous or just doesn't like you. But you should protect your daughter from your mother. I know it sounds weird, but your loyalty is to your daughter not your mother. And you don't want her asking the same question of you when her child is born. I think is safe to assume that your mother behavior is based in low self-esteem. I had a similar situation in my family. I just had to explan to my daughter that her grandmother's generation was raised different, she
face many difficult hardships, that luckly we women of color today, don't have to. As our elder, she must be cared for with love, but some of her ideas are wrong, based in a time long gone. She doesn't realize that her behavior is hurtful, but as an elder we don't correct her. We learn from her behavior, we understand how that behavior hurts others and we make sure we NEVER act like that, so in a way, grandmother is teaching us how to be a more caring human being.

How do you cope with jealousy between siblings. My sister lies and will start arguments, make false accusations about me and my husband and it is very upsetting to me. How do I handle her? My brother says she is jealous of me because I have a career in nursing and she is a housewife but that was her choice and my parents was very encouraging with her to do something with her life. but she chose not to. HELP ANYONE!!?? I am at the last shred of my rope!!

Jealousy, meanness, or low self-esteem, it all hurts when it involves your mother. After over a year of counseling, and Prozac, I stay away from family as much as possible, and I am a much more peaceful, content, and blessed human being. Sorry, but true. It really is not selfish to put you and your children first.

Teresa....I have a jealous sister as well. However, has she not only expressed jealousy emotionally and verbally...she has almost destroyed my life to an extent because of it. I took her out for a friend's birthday...we all had a couple of drinks...and when we left...something clicked inside of her. She threw a panicky fit, climbed into the front seat of my brand new, paid in full, two door car...sat in the lap of my passenger attempting to jump out of the moving vehicle. As I was driving, she was yelling all sorts of things..."I hate you, I hate your perfect life, your perfect car, your apt," and so on. In the midst of her kicking and swinging at myself and my passenger, she took the steering wheel as we were driving at least 60mph on the hwy and steered us into a guardrail. She was badly injured...I was okay but my passenger suffered a broken hand and rib as a result of her sitting on him during the accident. I also got a DWI & possible felony charge for the accident that she caused; She is still denying it-

-to this very day. She has lied in court and I am suffering now because of her INSANE jealousy. It's sickening to me...because I have always been of great support to her through her emotional problems and been looking out for her since my father passed away in '04. My point it...jealousy can be extremely destructive in the hands of the WRONG PERSON. And my sister is one of them - mentally unstable and depressed. I do not speak to my sister anymore. I would suggest having a heart to heart with your sister. My sister too, has coerced my mother our entire lives into thinking that she is a victim, helpless and lies about me all the time. The best thing is to express how you feel, and if things don't change, stay away from it. Avoid situations where she can bring up negatives about your life...let her handle herself. I tried many times to help my sister and it got me nowhere. I'm not assuming that the same could happen to you, I just would like for you to think carefully about the situation you are in.

-forgot to mention that my car was totaled. 20 grand down the drain....and not to mention the lawyer fees that I have incurred.

There are toxic mothers. It is difficult to admit but I must monitor everything I say because she expects to come first, hates that I have a wonderful marriage and two fantastic grown kids, independence, financial security and personal happiness. She uses oopportunities to hurt me and let me know how I have disappointed her when I know full well that I have not, especially since I own the house she lives in and make it very affordable for her to live since my dad died. She wants for nothing and loves to complain about anything she can. I will just deal with it until she is gone. She is in her 80's and the other sibling has already abandoned her - couldn't tolerate it.

Kellie - Tough break, but why did you get a DWI because of your sister. If you were drinking and driving, it's no one's fault but your own. Who's to say you wouldn't have gotten in a wreck anyway, or worse - hurt an innocent fellow motorist? Take more responsibility, regardless of your sister.

what do you do when your mother won't admit that she is jealous i try talking to my mother but she won't open up sometimes i think she enjoys what sh is doing to me
she always makes comment that i think i'm better then every one else and she gang up on me with my brothers and trys to make me feel guilty because i stopped giving my brothers money to top it off because of her health i had to move her in with me and she is mad because i won't let my 53 year old brother who has a drug problem move in also how do i get her to open up with out starting an argument

My husband of 21 years left me for a younger woman. In some ways I didn't blame him because he felt the love was not there on my part for some time. I am a very comitted person & felt that over time things would resolve themselves. I know better now.
I have been in a 4 year relationship with someone who has twice cheated on me. Jealousy was not in my vocabulary until the first time it happenned. After the second time, I felt I would go crazy. I lost self esteem, ego, etc. that I had worked so hard to get back from my husband's infidelity. I am still in the relationship & believe that perhaps it is "better the devil you know than the devil you don't". I am taking counselling to try to restore what I allowed others to rob me of through infidelities of the heart more than the sexual thing. It is very true that women feel the emotional side more deeply & the scars go very deep.
I am reluctant to let go of this relationship for fear of the unknown & the fact I don't feel I can trust anyone again

I wish that people would consider the ramifications & the fragile heart of the ones that they supposedly love before they commit acts of infidelities.
The pain & scars can be irreparable.

I have a very jealous husband who constantly accuses me of having an affair. I just simply say, "why would I want to do that" I have everything I want in you." This usually makes me calm down and look at himself and think positive

I am relieved to see I'm not the only one who has dealt with the pain of jealousy and mental instability; for me it was at the hands of my mother oh...for most of my life.

The last straw came fall of last year. I decided that for my own mental and emotional safety and well being that I can no longer have contact with this person. It breaks my heart and is probably one of the hardest decisions I'll ever make, but it's also one of the most empowering as well.

I was attracted to this topic because I had the rare fit of jealousy today. I am reminded of how silly and pathetic that emotion is.

It is very difficult for me to keep a realtionship cause I constantly feel insecure about men, and I think it´s because of the way my father never married my mom and always cheated on her, it is really hard to trust when you´ve seen bad relationships...

i think that i did the same thing in my relationship but i want to change all that. because of my insecurity ,i was constantly jealous and even he never did anything to reassure me of his love and commitment.i want to show my partner that i am not going to drive him away with my jealousy and want him back in my life. i love him very much and just cannot let him go. what should i do? how can i make him believe that?please help me.

Hi am having an issue at the moment with my girlfriend. We will be lying in bed and she will get a message at 3am or the phone will ring and its always from a private number when im there she ignores it. the other night it happend and i picked the phone up and its a guy telling her hes thinking of fucking her long and hard? my issue is that i am uncomfortable of her continuing conversations with a person whos saying this stuff and sneaking around behind my back and lying her issue is that i read the message ? and that im being controlling for no wanting her to talk to the guy? im kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Luke, get rid of your girlfriend, period.
Obviously she is not fully committed to you. Find another woman who wants to be with one man, not two.

Oops, previous post is from Lyn, not Luke. Your situation is a no brainer though. Get out of it now.

My husband cheated on me during our first year of marriage. Now its almost 3 years we are living together.. I am very confident in myself. But I dont know why am I always being jealous? What drives me? I hate being jealous, but this green-eyed monster doesnt want to let me free..I cant stay anymore, I always want to quit from this relationship, but I know that I love him & will be missing him. Moreover, we have a son. What can I do, are there any ways, methods to stop being jealous? Please advice..

is it possible to not love yourself but then not be jealous about your partner? I'd felt that way for a very long time, until he actually cheated on me with an ex. Now i get jealuos, and i feel it has to do with trust and not with unloving myself. And then, how can i PRACTICALLY teach my self to love me? I know I need to do that but Its hard!!!

I think what needs to be addressed in jealousy is the obvious effect it has upon the person who allows it to live in them and the eprson it is geared towards. When someone is projecting jealousy it strips them of power. Jealousy can make your worst nightmares happen, because through obssessing it becomes so real to you, that is real in a way. Luke, you need to have a serious conversation with this woman and find out why this is happeneing. Has there been other cases or evidence of infidelity? Is she insecure? Does she feel like she is not getting enough attention from you? If it something worth saving, empower her to see that you won't stand for that. Thats not ok

I spent too much time worrying about whether my partner has lost interest in me or whether he is cheating on me. I have felt so paranoid about it that i have confronted him about it several times. The only helpful advice i can give is to not do what i have done!!! I wanted reassurance that he wants me and only me, by acting how i have i realise this is not how i should have been and i wish i could take it back. Never accuse unless you have pretty solid proof and even then it will change everything after you make those accusations

I spent too much time worrying about whether my partner has lost interest in me or whether he is cheating on me. I have felt so paranoid about it that i have confronted him about it several times. The only helpful advice i can give is to not do what i have done!!! I wanted reassurance that he wants me and only me, by acting how i have i realise this is not how i should have been and i wish i could take it back. Never accuse unless you have pretty solid proof and even then it will change everything after you make those accusations

I spent too much time worrying about whether my partner has lost interest in me or whether he is cheating on me. I have felt so paranoid about it that i have confronted him about it several times. The only helpful advice i can give is to not do what i have done!!! I wanted reassurance that he wants me and only me, by acting how i have i realise this is not how i should have been and i wish i could take it back. Never accuse unless you have pretty solid proof and even then it will change everything after you make those accusations

i read these messages and wonder how many people are going through this and why relationships are so difficult.sometimes i feel that there is nothing left to save in our marriage .i feel i cannot continue this relationship anymore.whatever has happened in the past is a different thing , but what my husband is putting me through now makes me wonder if he ever really loved me.i want to forget about his affair ,his drinking problem and whatever happened in the past.but he does not let me.no matter how much i try to reach out,he keeps pushing me away and makes cruel remarks and deliberately hurts me.he keeps saying "i dont have feelings for you' and avoids all kinds of intimacy with me. i am very frustated and unhappy.why is he doing this? what can i do?i feel he is doing so deliberately,so that i will leave by myself,cause i told him that i will not divorce him.we have a son too, and in our society divorce is still not acceptable and there is a certain stigma attached to it.i am confused and dont know what to do.

This is exactly why I chose to not have children of my own...there has been a vicious cycle of abuse in my family, passed down from mother to daughter and so forth. It ended with me. I will not allow it to continue. I deal with my demons/fear every day of how little I'm worth and how I don't deserve to be happy, etc., etc. I "get" that none of those things are true, and some days I'm fine. Other days, however, I practically drive my husband nuts with the "are you sure you really love me?" or "are you really, truly happy?" because I just can't believe someone could actually love me and want to be with me. But I am getting better and I will continue to grow. I do not have anything to do with my mom - I'm 36 and can not deal with her verbal abuse. I made up my mind she must get sober first, and then maybe, MAYBE, we can try to forge a relationship. Hang tough ladies - we are ALL worthy of love!!

This message is firstly to Gail, as I felt compelled to let you know how impressed I was with your article "Jealousy, the Green-Eyed Monster" of March 22, 2007. It is most definitely the most insightful and accurate information I have come across on this subject. Straightforward, easy to understand and relayed in a manner which empowers, as so often the information I've read on jealousy makes one feel responsible, if not guilty, for being this way. This does not assist in being able to heed the advice being given. Your article however, as I said, empowers and gives you a different level of understanding and comprehension of the facts, with suggestions that are actually really possible. Not distant dreams or ideals of how things should or could be, but real steps that are achievable, even for me. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

i've read all theh comment's and iam glad to know that iam not the only one out there with problems.I am a very jealous person,me and my husdand has been with each other for 8 yrs and the whole time i made his life a living hell.i have done everything that you can think of to this man but never fulled around,i would yell and fight with him because of my jealousy i accuse him of sleeping around.i believe this is because a friend use to live with us and as i would be at work they would be home alone and when i was around they would act funny( or was this all in my mind?) then i satared drinking alot and the thought and problem became even worst.now my husband has had enought and our last fight was about 5 days ago he says hes leaving and now hes not and yes i dont want him to go yet he tells me that he will go out and sleep around because thats what iam always accusing him of doing so why not do it.I love my husband and dont trust that he's done anything wrong i just dont know what to think anymore help me..

I am married to a husband who comes from a broken family. We were best friends before we got married and after our marriage he showed me his true colours. He is the most rude person that I have ever come across in my entire life, always looking down upon me and my family. Very competitive and jealous. My family is better than his financially and he will always say something about my family in order to make himself feel good. I could write a book about his family but for peace sake I never mention bad things about his family. He hates my family to bits for no apparent reasons and I have decided that I would rather part with him than with my siblings and my parents. We are living in a state that is very far from our homes because he is running away from his ex girlfriend who he has a child with. He is running away from maintaining the child and always claims that the child is not his. We are in debts because he always uses credit cards to prove to his family and other people that he has got the money.He is a pain.

I have a problem with my boyfriend.I know he would never physically cheat on me but he keeps smsing these chat rooms and adult entertainment adverts in the paper.last wkend I found all these smses on his phone from all these stripper type chat rooms. Its happened before a few times and I've asked him not to do it everytime and he keeps smsing these girls.He says he does it cause he gets bored,but why doesnt he just sms me.he mostly seems to do this when hes using narcotics.I never really set the bounderies and told him its me or his "Adult entertaiment buddies".But I did last wkend. For the 1st time in this situation I stood up for myself.An it felt good. Hes the kind of guy who uses reverse psychology and makes it look like its my fault.I would never do anything like this or cheat on him and he knows it.I am quite a jealous person but I dont try control him unless Im telling him to stop doing this. Ive told him how much it hurts me and he knows it does but he keeps doing this Why? Any1 got some advice I Love him

I also loved a man who mostly loved himself and makes me feel guilty and ungrateful, that damages not only your self esteem but also makes you feel like you cant do anything wright, I divorced him in exchange for which he molested my daughter because he was jelous that I pay more attention to my kids than him and now I struggle as a single mother of two growing kids to make a living. And yes I still can'tgain my self confidence back and I feel hurt a lot and when I get frostrated it goes on the kids. I am doing my best to be agood mom and it is hard withiut support so it is good to come to this site and share others stories because now I also dont feel alone .And the most important -do your best to make your children feel loved, that will show in the future. Girls -get rid of abusive spouses they distroy you inside without you feel it.and yes, they enjoy it.but you can fight it I did and I am Happy that I dont see this man any more, so is my daughter.

I think we all have expectations, jealousy stems mostly from actions or reactions, and in some cases the respect given. Give what is truly desired and it most lightly will return, no one is perfect. Thank god for small mercies.

I want to know, when is a certain amount of jealousy warranted, however? My husband, who is recovering from a nasty cancer surgery he had back in November has a lady friend (who is a nurse) who he knew before but has come into his life in a big way from day 1 of the operation and will not leave! He sees her everyday (she helps with medical procedures) for about 1-2 hours and talks on the phone in addition atleast one a day, including text messaging. This woman is married with two kids of her own. She travels with other men and her husband has no problem with any of this. I do, however. Any comments?

This article really hit home for me. My dad was unfaithful to my mom and they divorced a little after I started high school. I have always had self esteem and weight issues and recently I started losing a lot of weight and feeling better about myself. I've lived with my boyfriend 3 years now. We had a cat and he died. A few days later, after having a breakdown about the cat, I went on the computer to listen to some music. When I went into the media player, it was full of porn. I understand it is natural for guys, but it makes me feel like I'm nothing. I told him it was OK to have but I never want to see it. After that I started having lots of jealous thoughts and I can't stop thinking up scenarios where he cheats on me. I know he would never do anything to hurt our relationship. But I keep creating these horrible scenes in my head and driving myself crazy. I imagine him going to strip clubs while he is out of town on work (a lot), or falling for a co-worker. I tried to talk about it but I feel like I'm going

to push him away if he knows what I'm constantly obsessing over. I just can't stop thinking about him with other women. Touching them like he touches me - like he loves them. That is the worst part of it all and sometimes I make myself sick to my stomach thinking about it but I can't stop. I don't know what to do and I don't want to ruin our relationship by being irrationally jealous. He has given me no reason to ever doubt him but I can't stop thinking of other girls seducing him and I don't know why.

When he is home I don't think this way nearly as much but if I told him that he would feel bad about taking the out of town job that pays and treats him so much better than his old job. I never want to hurt him. I just can't shake the obsession over getting hurt myself.

Iknow how people feel about jealousy my dad has said hurtful things to me and my children for years and i never under stood why all i have ever done is help him especially when my mum died along time a go he has made me very upset in the past and i think its because of our i get on with my children well and a have a good life just like most people its sad because people like my dad just make people not want to know them any more

People have always lived vicariously through the eyes of others, but the truth is, even the ones who seem to be the happiest outwardly, have the same problems.

Bruce