Being a step parent is the most difficult undertaiking. My husband and I are well educated and knew what we a=were getting ourselves into. I have three children, he has three. We all live together. His children rarely see his ex therefore we always have children and never have a break. I am cook, maid and chief bottle washer to his children and nothing more. I have tried, it has been over three years, they treat my things with disrespect as well as me. My husband and I have tried thera[y, I am worn down. My daugter has gone to live with her father which tears me apart. I am ready to jump ship. Do not make it sound so easy and a step by step process. I have several friends and we are in a group which meets once a month-they too experience these many complexities.

My husband parents were divorced when he and his brother were very young. His father remarried rather quickly. The relationship was not great. She is very overbarring. They do not make anything easy for any of us. She is very passive aggressive. I've been married to my husband for 19 years. This past April my brother in law was killed in a motor cycle accident. Their stepmother made a complete ass out of herself. She made a terrible time even worse. She made herself a victim in the situation. Made inapropicate comments and screamed at my husband and felt she needed to be with her family member who came in town for the funeral rather then being with my husband to make the neccessary arrangements for the funeral the next day. By the way we have never meet these family members of her family. And she wanted some of her family to stay at our house.

We can't get over the hurt and anger. I really have no desire to see her or be friendly. I feel awful for my husband. She father is a whimp. Help

I am about to be married to the man of my dreams. I have 3 sons he has a son and a daughter. Our children are older with mine the youngest 18.My boys all have excepted and get along.His son and family have excepted and get a long, the issue his daughter.she wont say things to her dad yet she has told her brother she refuses to have anything to do with the marriage or even attend. I have spent time with her and we seemed to get along and we have talked until she visited this time she brought a friend and although she intraduced her friend to her dad she would not intraduce her girlfriend to me, my fiance did it. He tells me she only comes over when she wants money or she wants something from him. He says he is not upset over her remarks or attitude. He has been divorced from his ex for over 6 yrs. His daughter lives with her mom. I work at being friendly and open and I get along very well with his son and his sons family. I am prepared to give it time in hopes someday she will except it.

My fiance(10 years.made us sound better than live in) and I have been together since all boys were 5,6,7,8,They are now 17,18,19 an 20. We never got married thinking it wouldn't last.All wild boys!
Years later here we are.We made the best out of bad situations. One of the most important things I learned is have your own space with your biological kids ..if you can. Never critize the ex and let the bio parent discipline their child and most important...bite your tongue if your step children instead of giving into a argument....you will glad you did.The boys are best friends..and all turned different accepting each other.

I am in a blended family. I have one child and three stepchildren. I love my stepchildren as much as my own, but am constantly reminded by the ex-wife that I am NOT their mother. I know I am not my stepchildren's mother, but I love them, and want the best for them as much as my own flesh and blood. Why must I (a stepmother) be considered a threat? If I do too much for my stepchildren, I am "crossing boundaries" and "trying to be their mom" ... if I do too little for them, I don't care about them and I don't want them around. It's a lose-lose situation sometimes.

When I think about my daughter and when her dad remarries, you know what I'd wish for her? That she'd be just like me and a lot of my friends who are also stepmothers - kind, loving, want so much to be accepted as just another person who loves them unconditionally..... to be as close to the "real" mom as possible. Is it so bad for a stepchild to have more than just their bio-parents to love them and want to care for them?

Step parenting is the hardest thing that I have ever endurred! For 7 years it has been one thing after another.The now 13 year old has caused so many problems and has succeded in separating us many times.I am the only mother she has as her mom died when she was 2. We can only go a few weeks with out her starting more and drama. Her lastest was she went to school and told her counseler that I was mistreating her. Meaning she got reprimanded for not getting ready for school and I swatted her her to get her moving.So the school calls her dad at work to talk to him about it. I am so deeply hurt and angry. I don't abuse her but someone has to get her to get things done or She will never get to schoolor get anything done. It takes her an hour just to get dressed, brush her teeth and hair and to eat! this is everyday!!! So what is a person to do? Kids now have all the control. Seems you can't discipline or set house rules that are to followed.It appears they just have to say it happened and their version is all it takes

My boyfriend and I have been together for a yr and a half and have discussed marriage. His son is 3 and he and his ex haven't been together since his son was a few mos old. I feel lucky that his son is so young so that I will never be the woman who "stole" dad from mom because he'll hopefully always remember me in his life alongside his father.
Unfortunately, this situation has caused stress between my boyfriend and myself. He feels the need to raise his son with his ex as much as possible and goes out to see him one weekend a month without me. I do not like it one bit. Maybe I'm just insecure, but I don't see the need for him to spend time with his ex and his son together. No other divorced family does this, right?
We have had many arguments about this and this past weekend was his son's first weekend with me. I feel we hit it off really well and I would love for it to be a permanent thing in the future. I want to convince my boyfriend there is no need for him to visit his ex and his son without me.

I'd like to say this, I was a single parent of a daughter when I got married. Although the dad of my daughter and I where in a child support case, my husband sat us both down and made us talk it all out. Now my oldest daughter has a big extended family. My husbands parents claim her and her fathers family actally claim the youngest daughter me and my husband have. I think the most shocking thing that most people don't understand is, when my oldest daughter dad comes for a visit, he stays right in the house with us. Last year when parent/teacher conferences were held, my oldest daughters teacher commited "Most families, where's there's a step parent, their children sometimes have a hard time dealing with everything. In your daughters case, it works." My oldest daughter and my youngest daughter seemed blessed to have two dads. My oldest daughter calls both my husband and her father, dad.

I am a parent of 2 biological boys (ages 3 and 5) and 1 step daughter. I have been with her since she was 4 years old (now 13 years old). She has really never known any different because her mother left her father when she was 6 months old. For the most part, she is a great kid. I just wish that her father would step up to the plate and discipline more. I am left to do most of the discipline. He has never once told me thank you for all that you do with her. She has lived with us for 2 years. She sees her mother on holidays and summer time. I just think that fathers should appreciate their spouse for all that they do when it comes to parenting a step child because it is not an easy job.

I agree with Denise...it is not a step by step process. You can still do all of those things and the kids will still hate you no matter what. I was a stepchild so I knew what not to do as a stepmother, they still not not like me. While my husband and I were dating I was closer to his daughter than he was, once we married she wouldn't talk to me. Fact is, if you get them past a certain age you simply are not their parent. One piece of advice for all stepparents..your spouse comes first! If kids see the slightest gap in your marriage they will try to make it bigger. They were and are the only source of arguments. I have many, many times thought about getting out because of his kids, but because of my son I stuck it out. Thankfully, his kids are gone (one on the way to college). Now, if we could only get rid of the ex...

I have been a step parent for about 11 years now and my husband and I also have a son of our own who is 9. It is a long hard road with many pot holes. We have the kids half of every week--every week. In the segment it was said that the thing that made it work was a good relationship with the ex's. Well I used to tell all my friends what a great relationship we had with the ex--but in all reality it was one sided--we take all the verbal & mental abuse from the ex to make sure that our children feel as secure & loved as possible. Just as being a parent you make sacrifices for your children. Being a step parent I think you just end up making more. You do tend to lose some of yourself but the important thing to remember is that it is all for a good cause & that cause is the mental well being of the children.

I have been a stepmother for nearly 8 years now. I have no children of my own and my two stepdaughters ARE my "real" children. They are now 11 & 14. Times are not always peachy, but we all work really hard to make it happy and healthy. It helps that their mother and I get along really well. I guess what I'm saying is this: even if the girls were not my stepdaughters, we'd still have issues because that's what happens when kids become teens. Yes, there are times when I'm sure the girls resent me for whatever reason. It hurts, but I try to let it go and remember that they're kids and will hopefully grow out of it.

As a stepmother, I am asked by my husband for my opinion regarding his children. After my opinion is given, he gets angry at me and asks if I am questioning his parenting skills. I can't have a conversation with my husband regarding his children. He doesn't even ask about my children, so he is totally not involved. No matter what...his and mine. We can't seem to blend. When it comes to parenting, I've found we can't do it together. We didn't start parenting together; therefore, we have different views. We are always fighting about his kids and his ex. They walk all over my husband, change schedules and he doesn't speak up. My sons are on a schedule that doesn't vary unless their father and I discuss it. My husband's ex just drops the kids off when something isn't suiting her schedule. It is very hard to be married when stepchildren are involved. His youngest daughter loved me before we were married. She wants me to leave now. I won't. Someday, the children will leave...maybe we will have something left???

I was glad to see the Today show doing a segment on being a Stepmom, because it truly is more difficult than being a mom at times.

I appreciate the information that you provided, as well, but would like to add that some of the tips you suggest may not operate as well as you might hope, when the parents (step & bio) are not all on the same page.

The most enourmous challenge my husband & I have faced is the denigration by his ex-wife. I'm actually working on a book for women who find themselves as stepmoms in the less-ideal circumstances. But, in the meantime I know that many stepmoms would love to see Today offer their viewers some additional information on dealing with the Stepmom issues that don't get resolved even though the valid tips you provide have been followed.

Thank you.

My fiancee and I have been together for over two years. I have a son(9) and a daughter(7) from a previous marriage, he has a daughter(8) from his and we also have a one year old son together. Building our family has been extremely hard yet very rewarding. On the show today you said the most successful step-families are those that get along with the ex-spouses. In our case that is simply not possible. His exwife wants hardly anything to do with her daughter and my exhusband has been in and out of jail since our divorce. Yet we have a loving, close, and successful family. My son(9) is closer to his step-dad than his own father.
Also I do not agree with what you said about how to treat the step-children. If we as step-moms let them walk all over us and treat us with disrespect, what does that teach them? This teaches them it's acceptable to disrespect their father's wife, or any adult for that matter. I do not agree with your 12 step approach to being a step-mom. Step-life is so much more complicated than that.

I am a stepmother to a 13 year old girl. I have been with her father since she was 3. We have 2 children of our own (4 & 8). Our lifestyle is very different from the bio mom. We have steady jobs, own a home, are involved in our children's lives, etc. Bio mom is trying to be the 13 yr. old's best friend and has no rules, does not take responsibility and moves the child from one home to another (they leave when the person they are staying with throws them out). We constantly take verbal abuse from this woman who seems to believe that her child is my husband's only child. He sees her every other weekend and whenever bio mom doesn't have time for her. I am expected to mind my own business unless there is a problem (school, medical, financial) that bio mom can't or won't take care of. I feel very abused by the whole situation and if not for the fact that I dearly love my husband and stepdaughter, I would tell bio mom exactly what I think. I do not because I want my stepdaughter to respect her mother.

i agree with the first comment if i would of known how difficult it would be don't know if i would of got on the ship

While I agree with much of the advice presented, I don't think it is unrealistic of me to expect my husband to discipline his rude, unpleasant and ultimately abusive children when they are being nasty toward me. Obviously you believe I should lay back and take it. When I move out because my husband's children have tortured me to the point that my only option left is moving out, I hope you will have better advice than to lay down and take it some more. Obviously you are not a stepmother or you would have far more compassion for the difficult role we face every day and better advice than to accept bad behavior from children who may have suffered a loss, but not a loss most of their stepmothers are responsible for. We are just easier to shoot at.

Count me as someone who

also has tried all the steps, done everything the way the experts recomended and still finds herself with adult stepchildren who are as hateful now as they were the day I married their father. I could blame their mother for their nasty attitudes, but the truth is it is a ball they picked up and ran with when they saw that being hostile toward me earned them points with their mother and sympathy from family... Family who, I might add, have all acknowledged that I have never been anything but patient and kind toward my husband's children and family who also is treated the same way by the same adult children when they don't need something.

Bitter? You bet I am bitter. I have been treated badly for 7 years by kids who got away with it because their parents got a divorce. I'd like to see you comment on how an ex-wife can help her kids adjust and how a man can help his kids without sacrificing his new wife's sanity in the process.

For Tammy...how do you manage to stay?? I want so much to jump ship. I feel like I should be more understanding because I am not only a mother but a teacher. I've worked with kids for 20 years. I feel very alone when my husband does not stand up to his children or ex. Everyone is receiving the best so that there isn't any mental effects growing up, but what about the stepmother that lives the abusive life daily??

Your next article: "Guilt Ridden Divorced Parents that Baby, Entitle and Enable their Kids" My husband was divorced for two years when we met. His two sons were allowed to completely stop visitation with their mom the day I moved into their house with my son. They visit their mother one night about every other week, for dinner and are always home by 6. I am "not allowed" in their bedrooms, therefore the odor from their rooms can be smelled in my adjacent dining room. They are allowed to come and go as they please, and are allowed to swear at my husband, their mother, at me, and at my son. The younger one, 16, has been caught with marijuana twice, with no consequences. He is not made to stay with his mother, because "oh, but then he'll be upset and think we don't want him around. He might run away, or try to kill himself." I don't want my son, who is the same age, to hang around with him! We made a list of rules for the household. He does not enforce them with his kids. Please stop blaming the Stepmother.

Speaking from a different viewpoint, I am a step-Dad. My wife and I both have kids from previous marriages, and they are all teenagers. Although every situation is different, I can tell you what works for us. I completely agree with Jennifer, and can't tell you how important it is to put your spouse first. Although I agree with Monica, that the kids today seem to have all the control, I would like to point out that we gave it to them. I think it's important to listen to your kids, but you have to let them know who the parent is. All too often, parents are so worried about the "emotional well being" of their kids, they tend to back off on many disciplinary issues, especially in a blended family, that the kids literally take control of the home. For our teenagers, we resort to old school parenting. I couldn't imagine my parents caring one bit about my "emotional well being". I knew exactly who was in charge at my house, and that's exactly how my wife and I run our home. Your spouse comes 1st, and kids are kids.

What do you do when your biological child (23!) stops talking to you because you married? My husband and I have been together 12 years (married 10) and my eldest son and husband do not get along. My son is living out of state and he will neither talk to me nor will he tell me why he is not talking to me. He will be married next year and I can't imagine not being at his wedding dancing to the song for a mother and her son. I know I need to wait for him to come around-but that is easier said than done. He refuses to accept any calls from me and I have sent gifts for Christmas and birthdays. I always get a lovely written thank you from his fiance. I get along fine with his fiance and her family. Very frustrating and heartbreaking. Any suggestions?

I have been both a stepchild and a stepmom, and I have found that being a stepmother is a lot harder than being a stepchild ever was. I try to lead my life by my stepparents' example, but it is not as easy as it looked back then. I would take being a COD any day over being a SM. My skids are older teens, too. At what age are they supposed to stop trying to "torture" us before it becomes unacceptable behavior? It's not my fault their parents split up.

Bob: You are so right about giving our kids control. I can relate to your comments completely. I am very much from the old school and my husband isn't. For example: We just found a video of my 14 year old stepson drinking alcohol in our house with another boy. My husband grounded him to our yard and from the phone for a month. The day after he punished him, he allowed him to attend a school play. He also had boys playing basketball in our driveway. Some grounding??? I'm sure he had the last laugh when he went out Friday night. This conflict in raising children leaves no hope for us. We have drifted apart because of our different views of discipline. I want my husband back, but at times I have no respect with the way he parents. It makes it difficult to enjoy each other. Any advice anyone?

I've been married for 18 months to a wonderful man & am blessed to be a ste-mom to 5 & 7 yr old boys. While our relationship is great I can't say that this is as easy as I thought it might be. Even though the ex-wife remarried less than a month after the divorce she made our life really difficult after my husband was able to move on and find happiness. I agree with the woman who said that she thought of her step-daughters as her "real" children. I have always thought of the boys as my "real children." I can't imagine feeling otherwise. I would suggest to those having trouble with their step-kids to try a new way to communicate with your family. Our school uses the Jim Fay "Love & Logic" course. After the first class the boys responded differently & the boys were not a problem to begin with. All I can say about improving ex-relationship is to pray that you get the strength to deal with it. If your husband isn't supporting you it's more about your relation to him than your step-kids. You have to be on same page

I have faced the wicked step mother from both perspectives. I have one and I am one. Actually, my Dad left my Mom after 40 years of marriage and remarried a woman a year younger than mayself. She is one of my very dearest friends and I thank God for her every day. I divorced in middle age and remarried a wonderful man a few years later that has 2 grown children, a son and a daughter. The son and I get along great and the daughter was very receptive as long as her Dad and I were just dating. It changed the day we actually married. She showed up at the reception crying.(not out of happiness) I am just trying to give it time and never, never hold a grudge. I want to stay open to the relationship and hope that one day she and I will have the friendship that I have with my step mother.

I was intending to direct this to Paige and Hannah, but it looks like it applies to allot of the comments here. It's not just a difficult job for a step-mom, it's a tough job for all step-parents. If your husbands don't appreciate your efforts, I'm not sure how you can stay together. Although counseling is always an option, you'll more than likely get the same mamsy pamsy advice you get from the "experts" on step-parenting! The old school approach to this topic sounds like the right way to go too. Are these men your partner in life? Do they have you back or not? My wife and I demand that from each other. If my wife didn't take my side on kid issues, we wouldn't be together. She is the same way. We don't always agree, but we never show that in front of the kids. We hash out what we believe to be the right thing in private, and absolutely, under no cicumstances, disagree in front of the kids. Kids will see this, and use it to manipulate the situation, every time, for the rest of your lives togther.

Dr. Saltz doesn't address that in stepmom (Smom)/ stepkid (skid) relations other players preset agendas often cast Smom tap-dancing in a minefield. The Smoms I know are "do-ers", eager to help & love, traits that probably make us attractive to men with kids. BUT, its a cruel lesson to learn (and re-learn...practically daily) that offering our energy and enthusiasm must be in places where its generally acknowledged and appreciated (or done with zero expectation of any favorable return). Being a happy Smom demands accepting that you cannot change others & mean-spirited biomoms & stepkids will nitpick every action or inaction for negativity; some people just like to play the victim and place blame with others. Disney, the Bros Grimn, the media all promote Smoms as easy prey. Skids need to be loved & cared for, but doing so should never make a Smom the matyr or doormat (of anyone). Treat others with the respect & dignity you demand for yourself.

My EX-fiance just ended our 2 1/2 yr. relationship because of problems with his daughters and my heart is broken. He is a minister and his wife died 5 years ago. His girls are 20 and 23 and would not stand for my being in their dad's life. They were rude to me when I was at their house and ignored every attempt I made at trying to have some kind of relationship with them. I didn't push for friendship or expect anything from them except common courtesy from one human being to another. His daughters had a fit when he asked me to marry him-crying that they would be homeless, even though they're in school and don't live at home. I'm sure they convinced him to end our relationship. I wish I could have done something differently to change the situation because I love him with all my heart; I would have done whatever it took. I thought if I could trust anyone with my heart and emotions it would be him and a relationship I thought would end at the altar just ended. I'd give anything if we could have worked this out.

I agree with you Bob that it is a difficult job for both parents,especially when we didn't begin parenting together. My husband leads me to believe that I have no right to provide input in decisions involving his kids. I look at our five kids as ours. He looks at it as his kids and her kids. I don't even know where "us" comes into play anymore. I commend you with the type of man you are. You are dedicated to your wife. The both of you provide an united front for the kids which is awesome. You are right...his youngest daughter loves seeing us argue. I'm sure she is praying it leads to me leaving.

Thank you for your advice/thoughts. Now, the hardest task is to approach my husband about building this union which was started with our vows.

Keep up your great practices in your life. You truly sound like a person that models a good home environment for stepchildren.

I just want to clarify on my earlier comment when I said that we take mental & verbal abuse---it is from the bio-ma not the children. I am blessed with a husband who believes in dicipline & having respectful kids. My step children are boys 13 & 16. I love them & care for them as if I had bore them myself. I am not one to believe that blood or DNA makes a family as I am adopted by one parent myself. My husband makes them respect me & others so in that respect I know I am lucky & maybe that is why I just deal with the bio---she is the least of my concerns.

I agree with you Hannah.I don't have kids yet but my boyfriend has been divorced from his ex for 7 years now and has a 10 yr daughter, whom I get along good with most of the time, and him and I have been together for 2 years.But what I don't like is that when we do things as a family she does not like to include me.She takes her dad and stays as far away from me as possible.I thought at first it was because I was new in their life and she needed to ajust, but it's been 2 years now and nothings changed.It's kind of hard to explain but hopefully someone understands what I'm saying.Him and I are not all over each other..don't get me wrong.But if he shows me any kind of love she gets pissed.We have gone on a few vacations and it gets 10 times worse.But they do things together at home, so it's not like she doesn't get the one on one time with him.And if it's her and I doing something together we get along great.It only happens when it's the 3 of us.I end up getting mad or upset.He doesn't understand.Any tips on that?

Amy: I have had the same problem. My stepdaughter would grab her dad's hand..(she is 12 now) and walk ahead of the rest of the family. My husband would try and grab my hand. He was uncomfortable, but I felt it looked too weird him holding my hand and his 12 year old..(who looks older) daughter's hand. She still continues to pull things like using baby talk towards her dad. She nags him until he says yes and looks at me like "I WON." I have tried several things..nothing works. THis has been going on since 2004. It has been worse when we married in 2005. Good Luck...and my advice just share him.

Wow. I am stunned at all the "allow the stepkids to run the show" type attitudes of psychologists. Are any of them stepparents? Is it any wonder I think some are full of it?

I have been married almost ten years. We had custody of my two kids as well as my husband's two kids. My two kids have had issues and spats with my husband but I always expected they respect him. My ex-husband has also expected our kids respect their stepfather.

On the other hand, my husband's ex-wife has repeatedly told my stepkids over the years that I am a "whore", they never had to listen to me, that I "trapped" their father, that their dad would abandon them for me. No matter what we did or said, no matter how nice and loving I was, I was told to "butt out". I was told I was not welcome at school programs and events. Two of my stepchildren have lied so viciously about me. My husband always told me "Let's just get them raised". I heard that for ten years.

Last one left in June 2006. She still continues her BS from 180 miles away

Marlene:
Should I be glad I didn't marry into that kind of situation? I was thinking of asking him to reconsider and try to work all of this out.

Thanks Dawn....She does the same thing with the hand holding..I laughed to myself when I read that. At least now I know I'm not the only one in this boat, it helps to know there are others with some advice!! Thank you!

Now that all three of his children are gone, now he wants to spend more time with me. But you know what?

Resentment builds when you have been brushed off for ten years.

Not only that, his little darlings who are now 25, 20 and 18 still play the "I am a child of divorce" game. I have received phone calls in the middle of the night from them, their friends (who have never even met me) screaming that I am a bitch, that I am the cause of all their problems. The latest was just this weekend.

My sons, who I expected to respect my husband, have a warm relationship with their stepdad. My stepkids, who were allowed to throw their weight around, were encouraged to call me names by their mother, who my husband never put his foot down on instead choosing to be a "Disney Dad", have nothing but utter hatred for me.

And, now that they are living with their mother, have nothing but utter hatred for their father (who gave them whatever they wanted). Until they want something.

Kathy:
If I had known what I had been getting into, I would have ran the other way. It's a hard call.

I love my husband. He is a good man but his children, no matter how unreasonable, always came first.

Even now with all the midnight phone calls, he tries to find excuses for their sickening behavior. Instead of just saying "enough!"; when one of their friends call, he blames their friend instead of the child who gave our phone number to them.

My stepkids now live with the ex-wife. They idolize her, have her on a pedestal. In reality, she saw the kids every other weekend in the beginning. Then it went to once a month. Then four times a year. The last year we had custody, she had her child for visitation two times. All her choice. We still have emails from over the years of trying to set up visitation and Bio-Mom blowing it off.

Being a grandmother, your article caught my attn. I have two grandchildren, one biological, one step (although I never,never refer to as such; he is my grandson as much as my biological granddaughter)
My grandson was never wanted, nor accepted by my daughter (stepmother) and I just want to attest to the fact, the type problems born from rejection, dis-interest, painful words, one does not want to face as the child grows; problems abound with self esteem, feelings of self doubt, anger, heartache. The "ugly stepchild syndrome" the child outside looking into a window of family, left out; need I say more. This kills a child.
Love and accept those step children; make a difference in their life; they will love you more deeply than your biological kids.
I want to urge all step parents to accept these kids with open arms/hearts. If not, they grow up and develop all types problems from feeling unwanted, or kids that do not "fit".
A loving step parent is God's gift to these kids who do not have loving bio parents.

My husband and I thought our joy would heal his children's sorrow over the divorce. We thought his children
would find our household to be a breath of fresh air, where people were happy, confident, fearless, and given wings to develop and experience the many wonderful opportunities of life.
Our expectations were way too high.

You are so right when you say that the stepmother "REPRESENTS the hard reality that they cannot live with their mom and dad together....the end of their hope that their parents will
reunite...." When my stepdaughter acted out, my husband asked her what the problem was. She said, "She's (meaning me) not Mom." It was hard for me to live through all those years when it was impossible for me to do anything to please my stepchildren.

I now have a great relationship with my stepson, and a good one with my stepdaughter. But, it did not happen until several years after they graduated high school and were living on their own (they lived with their mom & stepdad before).

Not only is step-parenting difficult, it can be dangerous. My 13 year old stepson had been sexually molested as a child, but we didn't discover it until he was repeating the behavior with my 6 year old daughter. We've all been in counseling and are getting better at coping, but you can only imagine the pain we've experienced and the stress it had caused our marriage. If it hadn't have been for the child we have together, I don't think we would have lasted. The 13 year old is staying with Grandma (his mom can't/won't grow up enough to raise him)and he wants to move back with us. It's one year later, I'm still not sure I'll ever be able to live with him under my roof, despite all of the therapy. Am I asking too much?

I learned each one of my step children's(3)personalities without them even knowing they were underinvestigation. I read to them, listened to them. And most of all I did not force them to call me mom. They decided to do that as a present one mother's day. Once their bio-mom did start to come around, she bad mouthed me! At this time we had already built up a great relationship. She tried EVERYTHING she could to tear it down and in return, she tore up her THEIR relationship.(Bad mouthing me!) She even got so jealous she told me I should have to pay child support! Funny HUH? I never spoke ill of this woman. or did I speak ill TO this woman. She cussed out my husband and I in front of the kids. (Which scared them to death!) She lied to my father in law, thus turning him against me!Funny how the kids figured that out and the grown ups did not! My(Step)Children and I are very close. It has been 14 years.I did not do anything to drive a wedge between them and their bio mom.She was the one behind the wheel the whole time!

I agree with Denise marriage is hard, but very rewarding as well. I have been married for just under a year! But, I have been with my husband for six years in May. We have been living together for almost five years.
He has full custody of his two kids and I have custody of my three kids. When we met his kids were ages 10 and 12 years old. My kids where ages 2, 6 and 9 years old. My kids seem to take right to my husband and his kids well let me say it was just hell in the beginnig.
I now have a great Relationship

with his daughter but, his son has done everything in his power to make things very hard for me and his father! The mother is not in there lives as well. But I keep trying and trying but I get so burn out trying with this boy.
He will be graduating this May and will be moving out. And I can't wait for that day to come is that bad for me to feel this way. I love his father so much and he is so good to my kids
Cristina

I think that using Guiliani as a lead in to discuss blended families was misleading. There is a difference between being a blended family and humiliating your family in public. I have been divorced for many years. While I have never remarried, my son was instantly part of his fathers new family, a girlfriend and a baby on the way before the divorce was final. My son and I were also humiliated by his father who flaunted his relationship with his girlfriend while we were married. If the child is old enough to know what is going on, the parent who uses bad judgement should not be surprised if their child harbors resentment towards them. Bringing someone into their lives after the break up of the marriage is a totally different issue.

Thank you, Marlene. I know excuses were made for the behavior, too. Over and over again.
Best wishes to you.

I have been a step mom for 2 years and been involved for about 31/2 years. When I married her dad I also married her.I think that sometimes the bio mom can make things harder when they see that the child likes you also.I think from my story they feel the child may like(or love) me more than her, which we all know is not true, a child will always love their mom.I have told both bio mom and daughter that I am not her to take the place of mom,just to love her as my on(as any mom would do).Just this past weekend we had our daughter and we got the question why is my daddy not with my mom anymore? Although they have been apart since she was born. Bio mom can be nice and taliking sometimes and then she can be rude other times. Any advice? Although I think things are getting some better because bio mom has relized that I am here to stay with dad and be in our daughters life. It takes a lot of prayers and a continued prayer each day. I thank God everyday for the two best people in my life my husband and our little girl.

I would like to hear from more step dads Pleassseeeee!!!

I am a step parent of two girls for the past 10 years. I have my own daughter and we have a son together.

My advice to all is know what you are engaging in. His ex is a real work of art, but I ignore her for her daughter's sake. Yes, as children, they ran me through the wringer, but as they got older, it became easier. I dont force anything. My husband is the disciplinarian. I am caretaker. I only encourage the positive behaviors and say nothing of hte negative- htey have parents to teach them wrong/right. My oldest stepdaughter, who really tested me, is now very close to me. I love them like my own. I think not trying to be their mom (nor their friend), but almost like a loving aunt helped them find a place for me in their hearts.

Patience, patience, patience and biting your tongue helps. 10 years ago, i would have not thought this would work. Now, I am grateful for my incredible blended family.

I have one major problem with what was written by Dr. Saltz. My problem - her reasoning. I think that Deb had a similar problem. Not all children harbor a fantasy that their parents will happily reunite.

A child may simply resent the parent who caused the divorce (and in some cases it is one parent over the other who did). Why then would that child wish to create a harmonious second family? Not because he is afraid Dad is going to love Stepmom more than him, the son. But maybe because he feels Dad is undeserving... The stepmother shouldn't expect a relationship with a child when possibly one between he and his father is nonexistent to start off with.

It is the father’s responsibility in such cases to work out those issues prior to marriage in order to make a relationship between his new wife and his child work.

I am a stepmom and a biomom. I am glad my exhusband has finally found a woman that is decent to be around my sons. However, there are times that I do feel as if she has overstepped her boundries. Many times, when I am talking with my exhusband she will throw in her (2 cents) regarding my sons' schedules etc... That is upsetting to me because I am their mother and I do know where my kids have to be. I am totally involved and I don't appreciate her trying to tell me what to do with my sons. I do appreciate that she treats them well, but there are situations that don't involve her. Just as a stepmother, I don't meddle in activities that are for my stepchildren's mother to take care of.
Again..I want my exhusband's partner to treat my children well, but not to tell me what my childrens' schedules etc.. are on a daily basis. I'm very aware. This may be snotty, but all biomom's are NOT pains in the ass. We are good moms!!

My husband and I each have a child from previous marriages. My daughter is almost 12 and my step-son is 9. I have read similar articles such as this and try to adhere to the advice given. However, it's difficult to hold my tongue because of issues. 1. My husband doesn't like to "make waves" with his ex when it comes to their son. He's afraid she will take him away but he is a wonderful father 2. My step-son has needed counseling for some time because he has anger and emotional issues and has been suspended from school twice this year for hurting other kids. He has been tested for physical problems (i.e. bi-polar, autism) but the tests are negative. It took forever for my husband to get the counseling set up because his ex is very resistent and thinks it's a waste of time 3. My husband puts his son on a pedistal and did not take the suspension very seriously. I thought it was serious. 4. Although he doesn't mean to, my husband makes my daughter feel inferior to his son.

Jackie,
My husband doesn't make waves either. He thinks he is a wonderful father, but he doesn't take things such as teenage drinking, making nasty prank calls, and smoking very seriously either. He is my husband, but his parenting has a lot to be desired. I have two sons and I'm tired of his children breaking the law and house rules, but not being sufficiently punished. My sons don't need role models such as his kids. Plus, they question me about why my husbands kids don't get into trouble for their actions. My husband takes no interest in my sons unless I make a comment that triggers his thought process as to "oh,I'd better ask how the game went today." I'm sure he doesn't care at all. As for the exwife, he never stands up to her. She always ruins our plans. Kids show up at our house when we aren't to have them. I think the husbands need to get a backbone. Recently, my husband's son got himself into trouble and he really didn't follow through as sternly as he should have..this will only lead to bigger thing

I'm the biological mom of a 6 year old girl preparing to marry a man who was a stepchild. He has no children of his own. She has already tried a few times to ask one of us to do something the other has said no to. She does not want to see her biological father. We are very careful not to talk bad about her biological father. She loves my fiance' and when there was a father-daughter dance for her dance studio, she wanted him to go with her--I think rituals like this are great. It is hard sometimes to tell what is normal boundary testing and what is related to the step-parenting. My fiance' is always attributing my daughter's misbehavior to him being not her parent, but I think some of it is just normal kid behavior. When I give him ideas on how to discipline her, half the time he gives up and lets her misbehave, I think because he's afraid of becoming his stepdad, even though I have given him very different methods of disciplining her than this dad's methods.

If I knew how hard it was i never would have married my husband, his children have done everything mean and there has been so much that the reason i stay is because of our 10yr old, and i keep my mouth shut because i want our 10yr old to see and feel a life with a mom and dad together getting along.

I've been married to my husband less than a year. He has a 17 year-old son, and a 7 year-old daughter. We have a good relationship with their mom (husband's ex-wife). I'm lucky - the kids do not smart off or give me a hard time. I never tell them to do anything - but I'm there for them if they need me. I love them very much. My husband and I had an understanding in the beginning - which I enforce through him from time to time. The kids need to pick up after themselves. The kids have no chores/responsibilities. My husband and I have them half of the time - and his ex-wife has the kids the other half of the time. My husband and I both work full time - so I thought that was a fair request. Needless to say, the 7 year-old does a much better job cleaning up after herself than her older brother.... Although it's a struggle to get my husband to enforce our agreement - it's working....but I'm very fortunate enough to say that's my biggest issue at this time.

Wow! A lot of these stories are great and some of them make me unsure of the situation I may be getting myself in to. I love my boyfriend with all of my heart and soul and would love to spend the rest of my life with him and add on to his family with a few children of our own. His son is very young still so maybe there's a chance he won't try to cause a problem in our relationship later down the road. He is a very sweet little boy and I am enjoying getting to know him.
As for the ex, I think she is having a hard time dealing with the fact that my boyfriend has found someone else and is happy. Hopefully she won't sabotage our relationship either.
Best of luck to those of you struggling to keep your mixed families together. I have enjoyed reading all of your comments and commend you on doing your best to make everyone happy. Such is a woman's nature, I guess.
I know none of us want that hairy stepmother wart that tv gives us and we are all doing the best we can with our situations.
Good luck to all!

Louise, Why do the kids have no chores or responsibilities? What is that teaching them?? You will get tired of that!! You are still a newlywed. We (my husband and I ) expected very little of our kids. Now we are trying to enforce chores and they all hate us. We created unresponsible children. Shame on us! Please don't let it go on like that, you may start to resent them for not helping out around the house.

Ive found all the posts here comforting. Im a soon-to-be stepdad. I have no kids, fiancee has 2, now aged 8 & 12. We introduced me to them slowly & carefully (they live w/my fiancee, so that was tricky); and once I was in the picture, we always reassured them I wasnt trying to replace their Dad. It's been 3 years now, I moved in 8 months ago & were getting married this year.

I agree w/the other Bob who posted: regardless whether youre the bio-parent or step-parent, you HAVE to be a team w/your sig other. You dont discuss things in front of the kids- you discuss them privately and then present a unified front. Always. Makes it much harder for the kids to play the adults against each other... and at least 1 of the kids WILL try.

My fiancee was never able to do this with her ex- he was/is more like a 3rd child, so she parented solo alot. Since I moved in, its been easier for her cause she has "backup", but harder because she wasnt used to working w/someone who was actually on same page with her.

The kids' parents never gave them chores. My institutuing the rule (through their father) about picking up after themselves has been difficult enough. But it's slowly working.... The oldest is 17 years old - he's just you're basic, lazy teenager - he's a sweet kid. His mom pays for the car he drives, the insurance, gas, and his cell phone (she drives a company car so doesn't need the family car right now). One day, she asked him to do something, and he gave her a hard time. She took the car away from him. I mentioned to my husband that this was a result of him not having chores. Needless to say, the car was given back to him within a couple of days. If we ask him to do something around the house to help, he does it (especially if I ask). His dad definitely has authority, so he listens at our house. They're both sweet kids - I have no problems. If I need the oldest to run the vacuum - or the youngest to pick up her toys - all I do is ask nicely - and it's done. I'm very lucky. We all get along great!

The only thing that works when raising step kids in the same home is this: You both have to stand behind each other, always. There are, of course, special cases (abuse, neglect, etc..)but for the most part, what I'm reading here, is that the step kids are running wildly over the step parent. There is a reason we don't let the kids run the country. THEY ARE KIDS!! If you stand back and let them make all the choices in your life, you'll be running them everywhere they want to go, cooking all their friends dinners, and buying their beer for them. It looks like in most cases here, both of you need to get a backbone. If your husband doesn't have one, then you either need to show yours, or get the heck out, with what little sanity you have left. I could never stand idley by and watch my kids verbally or mentally abuse my wife, nor would she let her kids do that to me. But if I miss something, she has no issues standing up to my boys, and putting them in their place. If you think what they're doing is wrong, it is!

I have to agree with Ed. Kids are just that - kids. Although we've never had that problem - I know my husband wouldn't ever let his kids be disrespectful to me. There are times his son will pick on me and call me a "jerk" - and my husband will look at him and say "careful" - even though I know his son is just teasing me.

I've seen a lot of examples in which kids tell their parents what to do - or tell their parents "no" - and it's unbelievable how much I've seen kids get away with these days. I see 2-4 year-olds tell their parents "no" - and their parents allow it or think it's cute? Then, when that kid gets older...the parents can't understand why they don't listen?? And I've see children hitting one another - and/or their parents - how terrible! Things need to be caught early - and remain enforced along the way in my opinion.

Just wanted to chime in once more & support the other theme Ive been hearing, in case someone isnt buying it- WEre the adults, so WEre in charge. It doesnt matter if youre a bio-parent or step-parent.

I whole-heartedly agree that we must be sensitive & considerate of the kids feelings. But you have feelings too, & its a mistake to try to forget yours in deference to theirs. Theyll just take advantage of that. You need to remind yourself that you or your partner was divorced because one or both was unhappy- & an unhappy house was not a good environment for the kids. Now you have what should be a happier, healthier environment & subconsciously the kids should eventually pick up on that.

My oldest step-kid is VERY loyal to her dad, & constantly challenges me. But because my fiancee & I present united front, she doesnt get away with too much. My youngest, on the other hand, occasionally calls me Dad... and I see no reason to correct him.

Be considerate, but be firm. Remember- if mama aint happy, NObodys happy.

I've been married 6 months to a wonderful man who has 2 children (son-17 and daughter almost 16). GREAT kids. Before my husband asked me to marry him, he went to his daughter first, figuring that since she lives with her mother (his son lives with us) she would have a harder time with it. When he asked her, she said that she thought I would make a great step-mom. My husband was so happy and relieved. Right before the wedding, I guess the ex started to realize that her ex was about to move on and she started throwing fits. She has since involved the kids every chance she got. Both of the kids have been nothing but respectful to me and we have a great time together. Sadly, they know not to let their mom see it because she would have a breakdown and try to sabotage it. My stepson and I get to talk every day. But we only get to see my stepdaughter every couple of weeks. We often worry that her mom has succeeded in making her feel uncomfortable for spending too much time with us. It's a sad situation.

My ex-husband and I are both remarried. We have 3 boys, all teenagers now. The divorce was hard on our boys as well as me. I couldn't stand my ex-husband's girlfriend which my kids noticed. She and I are now friends and I feel my children didn't gain a step-mom when she and my ex got married, they gained another mom.

Neither my husband nor my exes wife have children of their own, but they both feel the children are theirs. Blended families aren't easy but you have to make it work for the sake of the children. Divorce is hard enough without everyone being at each other's throats.

My ex and I are better friends now than when we were married and it has made things much easier. Of course things haven't always been easy but the four of us work together and the boys see that.

The only other theme I see here is in regard to the exes. It's sad but true. Allot of exes are going to act more like a spoiled child than allot of the kids do. There isn't an easy solution to that, but my wife and I went through it too. The best advice I can offer on that is to not get caught up in it yourself. Lead by example. Kids are not only smart enough to manipulate a situation, they are also smart enough to see reality staring them in the face. I wish all exes were more mature about a divorce, and in my experience, they seem to get over it the more time passes, but it does take time. A divorce can be taken as a betrayal, and the ex can be very bitter for quite some time. It's unfortunate that some will put the kids in the middle intentionally to get at the former spouse, but it happens all too often. Our exes are over it now, but during the hard times, we just had to assure the kids that emotions were high because of the situation, and that things were going to improve. We were right, it's better now.

Am I the only step-mother out there who doesn't love her step-children, not because the children are mean or poorly behaved, but because I just don't feel any warmth or love towards them? I have 3 bio-children of my own and have no special feelings towards my husband's children. They are nice, well-behaved kids who treat me with respect, but every weekend they are with us, I look forward to the time when they leave our home to go back to their mother's. I feel incredibly guilty about this. It's been 3 years now, and I don't feel any closer to them. This is very hard on my husband who has accepted and loved my children as his own. I know that it's not fair to him or to them. I don't mistreat them in anyway, but I certainly don't treat them with the warmth and love that I feel like I should. Is it me? Is this normal? Will it ever change if it hasn't after 3 years?

If I'd known then (17 yrs ago)what I know now I might have run for the hills. I went into being a SMom thinking it was going to be shopping trips and girlie time. Whew-was I mistaken. A jealous and vindicative BioMom - to both my husband to his face and me ehind my back- made for many tough 1st years. But once behavior issues became to great for her to bear alone, and BioMom realized I was not the enemy but a loving person who has no kids of my own but wants to share the love I do have, things got better. Oldest daughter (27) still has issues with her Dad, but BioMom tells her to grow up and stop her nonsense.BioMom and I talk almost every day and call each other our StepWife.Smotherhood is not easy but if you love the children then you make it work any way you can. But as has been pointed out in many posts - you and your husband have to remember why you got married in the 1st place.I'm not trying to paint a pciture that allis peaches and cream, but given time and love, it is worth it.Or at least it is for me.

I missed the segment this morning. Does anyone know how to find it online? I am a step-mom who wishes her step daughter could go live with her mom full time. She is the only source of conflict in our marriage. She is constantly causing problems. I am desperate for help/advice.

OK- 2 more comments, then I REALLY need to get back to work.

I concur w/what Ed said about exes. You would hope that 2 people who felt mature enough to bring a child into the world could later act mature around the child if things dont work out. But were human too I suppose, and some people just take longer to get some perspective than others. I would remind ANYone reading this that theres a phrase you should always bear in mind- whats in the best interest of the child(ren)?

I wanted to say something to Fran, too. To me, the fact that you recognize whats going on would seem to indicate that youre more sensitive than you think you are. Maybe you subconsciously insulated yourself emotionally from your step-kids to ensure that your bio-kids never felt threatened. Maybe you simply havent had enough private time w/them to develop a relationship/bond with them. Who knows? Dont listen to blanket theories from "the experts". Every situation is diff; & if you want to be closer to your step-kids... just let yourself try.

I would like to see a show on ex-wives and how they can help their children through a divorce. My husband's ex is still so bitter and vengeful after 13 years (we have been married 11). She STILL takes every opportunity to put a wedge between my husband and the kids. She basically bullied him into getting everything in the divorce, child support and limited visitation. He has had to fight for everything (we only live 4 miles away but she never drives the kids to or from our house). She nickles and dimes him to death yet tells the kids she does everything for them and their father abandoned them. He was never allowed to co-parent and anything that goes wrong in their life they blame on the divorce. I see so many women who can't move on and the kids suffer.

Hi, I'm the stepmom/author who appeared on the Today Show this morning with Dr. Gail Saltz. I appreciate all of your thoughtful comments and agree that the variety of stepfamily experiences is as broad as the variety of human experiences. I learned from the contributors to "My Father Married Your Mother" that some situations literally cannot be repaired. There are as many painful essays in the book as there are hopeful ones. I'm lucky now that my kids are young, but I'm also very aware that adolescence might bring huge changes. I'd love to hear from anyone who reads the book what they think about the collection. Thanks.

I can tell you that being a stepmom was the hardest job I ever held. I disagree that stepmoms should have no input or that the input should be limited by the Bmoms. At the minimum, stepmoms/stepdads should be held in the same high esteem that teachers, counselors, church leaders, and other adult family members are. I taught my three kids to treat all adults with respect and in turn that is how they are raising their children. My ex-fiancee required absolutely nothing from his children and that is what he got in return. I loved him dearly but I am very glad that I did not become a permanent member of that family. I am now with a man who is a real father and I am counting my blessings.

To "Name Withheld:" DO NOT let your 13 y/o stepson have access to your 6 y/o. Why would you make your child live with someone who has molested her? I don't know any court that would think this is OK no matter how much therapy they've had.

Another perspective: At 23, I had already moved out when my parents divorced & remarried others several years later (married myself by that time). To me, my Dad's wife is just that, his wife...not a stepmom, though she continues to introduce herself as such, and even told a classroom of my collegaues that she was my Mother (it was easier!). The woman has serious emotional issues, constantly reading self-help books about raising step-children (and 2 children of her own), rather than just letting things develop. She shoots off derogatory e-mails/tearful phone calls when she is "not on her meds". I have tried to be polite to her over the years (I am now 42), but have stopped guessing "what's she angry about this time" - I can do without the drama! Finally, I moved nearly cross country to get away, though I feel for my bro & sis who now get the brunt of her lunacy. My Dad realizes what a loon she is, though doesn't want to go through another divorce. She'll be a lonely woman should he leave this world before she does

I've often thought about writing a book for stepparents to be. I have no children and my "boyfriend" of 11 yrs got custody of his kids after year 3. The biggest problem for me? Not being on the same page from a values/parenting style standpoint. Bottom line-you can't parent someone else's kids using Mom and Dad's values(or lack of) if they are not yours. You end up with a knot in your stomach from biting your tongue or beating your head against a brick wall every day if you are trying to influence or instill your values (like discipline). I gave up after 10yrs 'cos once they become teens it was a losing battle. If you're not on the same page from the start-forget it.

Exes can be the most difficult part of step-parenting. My relationship with my step-children started out well and is still going pretty well at this point. Their bio-mom is so controlling though- my husband and I feel we are never welcome to be parents, too. Everything has to go through the bio-mom first and if she doesn't like it, forget it. As much as I can blame any decline in my relationship with my s-kids on their bio-mom, I can think of two things: my husband and I need to be open to discuss this situation no matter how hard that can be and.... let's face, we can always blame things on someone else, even though it's justified, it won't help any situation. Keep your head/thoughts clear and do no let the ex get to you- I have at times and struggle to stop, but that is a never-ending hole- it's better to never dig it! The married bio-dad and step-mom need to be one- if there's too many rifs in the marriage, the step-parenting will most likely be ten times more challenging then it already is!

I was disappointed--almost offended--in the "puff" piece The Today Show did on step parenting. This is a MAJOR issue in America today and deserves much more attention. From different income levels and varying parenting techniques to guilt, one-upsmanship, visitation issues, jealousy, etc., it's a very complex issue. As a step mom to 3 girls, 2 of whom (teenagers) came to live with us after their mother left them for her 2nd Internet husband, I can tell you it's the hardest job around. My husband and I are exhausted trying to make things work; the entire family is in therapy. We're trying to keep the youngest--age 15--in high school (her mom has given her beer for doing homework and has told her if she moved back with her, she could drop out of high school), and the middle child is a recovering self-injurer. My husband and I pray a lot. Still, on any given day, I’m ready to throw in the towel. I won't give up because I trust God and love my husband and his kids, but it's really, really tough. I miss my old life.

Meredith,
I miss my life too. Many of us seem not to want to get divorced again, so we stick out a second marriage that is worse than the first. It is sad that we will live our lives miserable just because we don't want to "mess up" again.

I'm in a unique situation. I'm a "stepmother" in the sense that I have married a man with children. His children were in thier late teens early 20s and on thier own when we met and married. In addition there is a less than 15 year age gap between me and the older children. My husband and I discussed his family before we married. We came up with 2 "ground rules". First all requests for financial help go to thier father. Second I am an addition to the family, not a replacement. They are invited to spend any holiday they choose with us, I only ask that they let me know ahead of time so I can prepare enough food. I've been married to thier father for about 2 &1/2 years so my relationship with his children (and grandchildren) is still evolving. I let them dictate how close they want to be to me and so far things have worked out well.
I agree with the prior postings. You and your spouse must be a team. For us I think it also helped to discuss the issue before our marriage, we each knew where the other was coming from.

Dr. Gail,

Thank you for giving advice to stepmothers who don't mean to be wicked. Have you considered that there are stepmothers who mean to be wicked? My stepmother is genuinely afraid that I might want to sleep with my father, the reason, her father raped her. And so now, I have a woman telling all kinds of lies about me, because she sees me as a rival. How does a daughter deal with that?

I've been a stepmother for 17 years after marrying a man with two young girls. Two years into our marriage I gave birth to a son. While it wasn't always easy, it turned out to be one of the most rewarding things I have accomplished and one that I am most proud of. My stepdaughters love their father, brother, and me, and I know I filled a void in their lives when they needed more love and guidance. Today, both are well adjusted young professional women who I'm very proud of and I pray that we will always have a good relationship. (They also have a good relationship with their mother, stepfather, and stepsiblings.) I will always be grateful that I was given the opportunity to share them with their parents and that my son was able to have two older sisters who were very good to him. My advice is to always take the high road (even in the midst of hard times) and remember that you have a gift to give these children (and they to you).

Gosh...when I posted yesterday, there were only 13 comments!

Seems pretty clear to this stepmom, that the Today show might want to consider giving more time to the stepmom and stepparent situations that are less than the ideal shown in yesterday's piece.

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One of the positive things about discussing the negatives of blended families is that it makes the case for creating strong first marriages.

It's analogous to building a house of bricks as opposed to one of sticks. Storms come at both of them, but the bricks can withstand much more, protecting the inhabitants within.

People are affected by the culture which surrounds them. The media is sending surround-sound messages 24/7......portraying marriage as disposable as paper plates. Infidelity is the subject of jokes. Blended families are the subject of sitcoms, with child actors modeling flippant, disrespectful behavior. Talk show hosts demonstrate how to disrespect the marriages of their colleagues. They also regularly congratulate celebrities who break up marriages.

Gail Saltz is a skilled doctor. Networks need to employ her to conduct values clarification sessions for company executives. It appears that they are giving no thought at all to the ultimate negative messages they are sending via TV.

I am a stepdaughter. I am 19 years old and my parents have been divorced since I was 8. My relationship with my stepmother is a fake one. I don't like conflict so I try to avoid her. Her and my dad met when I was 13 and moved in together within 2 weeks. I am very used to having to adjust so this did not phase me. She seemed fine and her kids were decent. Then they got married. Once that happened, everything changed. She became very contrrolling and disrespectful. She would openly trash talk my mother and blame everything on her. My dad is an alcoholic and she thought she could change that. It's been 6 years and my dad hasn't changed. She still talks badly about my mother in front off me and my little brother and other family. Lets just say I don't like her but I learned to keep my mouth shut because I was fed up with fighting. I am now in the Airforce and having a baby. She had the nerve to call herself my childs grandmother and keeps acting like its hers. I wish she would respect other people.

I am a stepmother who now has a good relationship with my stepchildren.
That was not possible while they were still living at home with their mother & stepdad (my husband and I had visitation. One day my husband got a phone call from his son, who wanted to
apologize for the way that he had treated us for all those years.
He said he finally realized that his mother had been poisoning
him and his sister against his father and me for all those years.
"Nothing you did was ever right. Nothing you did was ever enough.
Even though you gave me thousands of dollars for college, it
wasn't enough. But Mom never gave me a dime. And she herself
did a lot of the things that she criticized you for." He said he
hoped that his sister would one day realize that she had been
poisoned too, and thus have a change of heart toward us. To all the other stepmoms out there, have courage. Bad situations can change.

Fran, I'm with you. I could careless about having a relationship with my stepchildren. I feel nothing for them...no love. I have love for my own children. I could care less about building a relationship because I feel like they use me and really could careless about me. They just want me to haul them around and get my money...for their father didn't make much when we weren't married. My income has enriched their lives. I sound like a terrible person, but only sounding off honesty. Another reason why I have no desire to build a relationship is because my husband hasn't tried to make one with my children. The strangest thing is that we are both people with strong values..yet with just co-reside with each other and have no formation of a family. So pathetic..but no desire because of his lack of effort and communication.

No-fault divorce means a divorce can be granted without having to show blame. Our state found blame to be a waste of time and effort, and damaging to kids. No one benefits from milking venom
from a divorce. Divorce can be a quagmire where courts, clergy, therapists and mediators can't agree. So if our best and brightest can't agree, why do some parents involve their
kids in their dispute with the other parent? Why do they goad their kids into assigning blame and taking sides?
Why don't divorcing parents say to each other, "Thank you for the good times,
I'll try to learn from the bad times, but since we both don't want to work
on our marriage, let's move on, and I wish you well in the future."
To involve children in adult complexities lays an emotional overload on them which they are not yet equipped to handle. Would you take them to your mortgage broker? Would you let them pick your 401K? It seems to me that most stepfamily problems arise from bitter ex'es who can't let go of the divorce.

I have 2 kids and my boyfriend has 3 kids and he lives with me. We have the same schedule with our kids and he will go home to spend quality time with is kids and we will get together in the afternoon to do things and we will all have slumber parties and dinner dates. It also helps that he lives around the corner so when the kids need me they know we I am at all the time and know were there dad is when he is not at home.

Do any of you have any hard-earned advice you can give on how to deal with a bitter ex who is using the kids to drive a wedge between you and your husband? I have already posted on here about how my stepkids are good to me... but I know they struggle with their mom constantly berating my husband and I and telling them things like that I never wanted stepkids and don't want to support them. Nothing could be further from the truth. This woman is a real nut job. She is known for getting into drunken fist fights and.. well, let's just say that she is not a classy person. She moved less than a mile away from my husband and I about a week before we got married. She shows no signs of letting up and they have been divorced for about 4 years now! We're trying to keep quiet for the kids' sake but I'm always tempted to call her on what she's doing so that they'll see her for what she is.

Eva, Thanks for the encouraging story for step-moms. I am in a similar situation to yours except that I am currently in the part where my husband is being made to look like the bad guy. What I struggle with most is that my husband is loving, giving and kind toward his children. He WANTS to be involved. Why doesn't his ex see that and feel grateful that her children have a caring father???? This is very difficult to deal with!

This is for Jen--I have been dealing with the exact type of ex that you are-my advice is to do what you know is best for the kids & always be the bigger person-it is not easy by any means & you will need someone to lean on-hopefully this is your husband-find a friend that you can "vent" to but try never to bad mouth the mother in front of the kids-while a bitter wacked out ex is no picnic-if you hold true to what is right the kids will eventually realize what is true-like I said it is not easy I think it would be easier to stick a hot poker in your own eye--just show the kids how much you love them-without being taken advantage of & one day they will come to realize the TRUTH of the situation

The media has affected the state of marriage and not for the better. In the name of humor, producers are overloading movie and TV screens with bickering spouses and spoiled, irreverent children. It's evident from the comments posted on this blog that it's not funny.

Impressionable people take cues from what the media presents as the norm. The most impressionable among us are children. From the media they're learning to disrespect adults and that materialism is the meaning of life.

Parents and children suffer when the media destabilizes families and teaches kids to be obnoxious. So do teachers.

The negative situations that are born of divorce come into classrooms. Teachers are finding that in addition to being effective educators, they must take on additional roles as family counselors and conduits to special services for troubled kids.

Once in a while the media will report that the media is noted as a negative influence. Knowing that they're doing damage, why do they continue to do the damage?

Fran,

You need to put yourself out doing something for the kids you don't like.
It may not be easy, but it will come in the end.

Good luck.

I have a 16 year old son and he has a almost 15 year old daughter - together we have a 2 and a half year old beautiful beautiful baby daughter - I am not young, I am 45 yo and he is 38. His daughter lives with us .. we have been together for almost 4 years. I have done what I could for him and her so much so that I have let myself go, gained heaps of weight, fell into depression, seeked help etc. He is an alcoholic and works terrible shits, he is always too tired but never too tired to drink. I have to take HIM out .. The stepdaughter manipulates him, lying, drinking vodka, go to parties and gets bash there, sleeping around etc. But she is Daddy's little girl. Cant do anything wrong .. when I told him about all the things I found in her room, like the vodka and sex letters, he told me kids that age do experiment. I wish he "shit" me out like he "shits" her out!! They left on the 29th of January and went straight to his "drinking" 74 yo mother etc. Now he wants me back!! I cant do that.My son gave no probs.

We have been married almost 7 yrs. I have 3 (b,g,b) he has one of each. we weren't married a yr. when his son came to live with us, at 14. his bio mom is an alcoholic. he has acted out and I didn't knw how to deal with such mean actions. by the time he ws 18-19 he was having 40 yr. old women leaving suggestive messages on my husbands cell phone. at every single turn he has tried to come between us. hurt every person in our household, no respect for anyone even his bio sister. at 15 he weighed 240 and our youngest 8, weighed 50 and he would be hateful to him triyng to hurt me. I have recently started going to al-anon. if i would have known about this before i would have been there and made him go to al-ateen. if you EVER lived with an alcoholic you picked up behaviors know it or not that yu need to deal with and he has some awful stuff to deal with now at 20, and no one to intruduce him to it. we do not speak at all, he talks to his dad, and dad doesn't share w/me. i can't tell you all that has happened.

Thanks for your comments, Christina. I have never badmouthed the biomom in front of my stepkids and I agree, that's the worst thing you could do (for the kids). It's so tempting to say, "See, look what she's trying to do!" I luckily have a very supportive husband. I don't know what I'd do if he weren't sympathetic to what I'm putting up with. Our stepdaughter is spending spring break wth us as of yesterday and it's good to have her there. We went out and had a nice family dinner last night and already the biomom is calling my husband today throwing a fit about... oh, who even knows. She can't stand when we start to resemble a family. But we will continue to do what we know is right and just pray that she's shown the error of her ways sooner rather than later! Thanks again...

As I alluded to in an earlier post, my fiancees ex is immature, selfish, self-centered... and practically a pathological liar to boot. Hes even been treated for bipolar disorder in the past, but he takes himself off meds when he feels that hes "gotten better". So I can relate to the tales of bad behavior coming from the other bio-parent. My personal favorite is how he constantly re-interprets the parenting time and child-support terms more & more in his favor.

So I wanted to share 1 last thing that Ive done with my step-kids. I vowed 2 things: that I will never lie to them, & that I will always keep a promise. Sounds simplistic, but this has gone a LONG way to gain their trust and respect. (This also applies to punishment- if I say something is going to happen as a result of bad behavior, it happens.)

I wont bad-mouth the Ex, but I dont let any "misinformation" the kids get from him to slide, either. I believe kids pick up on this stuff- especially HONESTY, & I think they crave stability & predictability.

I'm still married after 3 years of separation. Divorce is on the way. There are reasons I can come up with for my husband to all of a sudden forget who I was and what the heck I was doing in our home caring for him and our son for many years but none that I can justify. All of a sudden he snapped. The catalyst was the other woman. This person slipped herself into my family without my immediate knowledge and also without any respect for my son's moral development. Having another woman in my home half of the week is corrupting the morals of my son. The bottom line is that sometimes the other woman is the catalyst for the divorce. If that woman feels wicked, she carries a tremendous amount of guilt for dating a married man and killing his wonderful family. It is her who has the most healing of all to do. She can never face herself because she would have to admit what she did and that may mean dissolution of the life she so selfishly and sinfully stolen by causing a married man to commit adultery. Nuf said.

Hmmm...."by causing a married man to commit adultery." Now how did she do that? Did she chloroform him into a vegetative stupor, and then have an adultery cult brainwash him? Did she use eye of newt and leg of frog to make a potion? Did she secretly implant a microchip in his brain to receive adulterous instructions? As much as you may deserve to hate this other woman, do you realize what you are saying about your husband? That he is a total idiot with no mind of his own. Do you think that your opinion of your husband may have driven a wedge between you and him, and created an environment where he desired a relationship with someone else?

I am a step mother of a son and I have to tell you, it was hard at first and I had my husband hanging for a week or so when he "Popped the BIG question". I sat and thought out of everything in this world- what would break us up if we got married and the conclusion was his son. The future of the unknown was scary to me as it is to alot of us. But through his mother's actions brought my reactions to light. I knew I couldn't be his mother and told him that but I also told him that I would be there for him whenever and that we could be very good friends if he wanted to be. That was 12 years ago and we are a very close knitted family now.He(my stepson) has a relationship with both his mother and I. Not to blow my own horn- but I think we are closer than he & his mother but that was his decision. My husband and I also set limits and bounds when he was with us- which was most of the time and we had to work as a team. If one imposed a restriction the other follwed thru with it or we would talk it over and then impose it.

Thank you Denise for your comments. There is no one size fits all that works here. while some of the tips offered in the article are helpful, this situation is MUCH more complicated then all of this. This situation is difficult for the dad who ends up in between the children and his new partner, it is difficult on the children who struggle with loyalty and jealousy, and it is hard on the step mother, who ends up feeling like the outsider and lowest on the priority list.
Personally, I am unhappy with the situation, and on top of that, I feel guilt for being unhappy. It is not easy to find therapists who understand this situation.
More attention needs to be paid to this area as many of these stepchildren will someday be step parents themselves. Plus, for many, including me, the situation is just not working...

Ok im a kid of divorce and you described the way i feel towards my stepmother but have never been able to describe to anyone. My Stepmother causes all sorts of different fights to occur between me and my dad and I dont even like to go to his house anymore!!! THANK YOU you are like my new hero!!

I am finding that my husband is very strict with my daughter, ie: grounding her if her room is not tidy. His 3 children come every other week-end and they are not expected to assist with any household chores, which leaves all chores, meal prep, clean up for myself and my daughter. 2 of his children have been caught shoplifting and stealing money from a family friend, however they received absolutely no consequence. Any suggestions??

"Stressed"- you need to sit your hubby down & have a little chat with him. It sounds like 2 things are happening here. 1st: his kids live with their Mom; and since he no longer has a real sense of control with them, his only outlet is your daughter. 2nd: he is setting up a double-standard with the kids that will probably only get worse with time.

He needs to talk to the bio-Mom about whats goin on with the kids. Theyre not married anymore, but they ARE still the parents. They need to be reminded of that, so the kids' issues can be addressed. Then the two of YOU need to talk about how the rules applied in your house apply to everyone equally. You might each have to HANDLE the kids differently, but there shouldnt be a separate set of expectations for bio- and step-kids. He needs to understand that it will empower his kids to walk over him; and it will inevitably foster resentment in your daughter.

Communication and consistency can be your greatest assets- but the ADULTS have to be on same page for it to work.

I too am a step-mother, have been for 7 years. It is the worse experience and the best experience of my life. I have no children. I do have 2 step-children who reside with us every other week. While I don't mind, and enjoy sometimes the responsibility of caring for them, I don't like that they treat me like the lowest form of life on earth. I have told my husband that I am tired of being their maid and housekeeper (they're 15 and 17) but nothing changes. I feel very helpless.

alygal, I was in the same situation as you, but my stepkids were older when I arrived (11 & 15).

I was disrespected, & told Hubbie I resented being the maid. He half-heartedly addressed it - feared alienating his kids. You can't change anyone except for yourself, so I just stopped doing those things. I also set boundaries: "You want to use my car? Then I need advance notice, I need to approve the reason, & you have to clean up after yourself when you're done. Your dad's truck, well that's between you and him."

"You want a party here? I need to see the guest list, then we need to plan the food, & you will have to clean up after the party, & put the house back the way it was."

Interestingly, Bio-Mom & Stepdad did not let them use their cars, or have a party.

I decided what I felt was reasonable to do, & stuck to it. I had let them "use" me because I thought they would like me better. "If I do this, will they like me better?" When I realized the answer was no, my behavior changed fast.

As a daughter of a man whose wife dad, I can tell of my experiences with my stepmother. I am apologetic to those women who have stepchildren who give them trouble, however not denying that some women are in fact wicked stepmothers. My stepmother is one of those. In front my father she sometimes slips and shows her true feelings for her stepchildren. As far as things go and have always gone, my father treats her daughter as his own but with my sister and myself we have to be victims of emotional abuse for years and years passed, including now in our adult life. One thing I can say is that it has made me stronger but it also causes a scar. One that cannot be healed and under extremely stressful situations have in the past caused me to become depressed and even made me suffer from depression. Her favoritism is always shown towards her daughter even when sharing material things as well as she seems to be blinded into thinking that only her child is perfect and me and my sister are creatures of imperfections

Everytime a situation is brought up she always or something has been achieved by either one of my father's children she makes reference to how better her daughter could do it, even at times making up some fictitious story that she actually has convinced herself actually happened. It's really sad. She even comes up with a notion that she can read minds and is a mind reader of my sister and I thoughts and even now, if my relationship with my father is going steady, she sees this as a threat and says things to push me away. She will walk to the ends of the earth for my step-sister and my father but for me and my sister, hardly. I was always the most agressive of the sisters and so there were always little fallouts with my stepmother but I have always managed to maintain a level of respect towards her, only because my father loves her and that is all. Honestly, I cannot respect someone who has made my life so miserable and who has caused so much pain and hurt over the years.

My stepkids-5,6,9.I've been with their father for 1.5 yrs.I have had the most troubles with the oldest.Having said that, I have also had the most SUCCESS with her as well.When I first met their father, it was a circus every time the kids visited.There was no control over them.It drove me crazy that THEY were allowed to dictate how things were going to be, they were rude, had no manners and couldn't even sit to eat an entire meal without getting up and playing between bites.I realized that the behaviour came from their mom's-she didn't care what they did as long as they weren't bothering her.She is a stay at home mom.She also has mental instabilites and has since just had another child with a man who is Bipolar. Not a good situation for anyone. However,the one thing I have always maintained was that I ALWAYS followed through-good or bad.The difference in their behaviour is completely the opposite. I'm so proud of them.It's not easy,and it takes work each minute,each day. In turn it shows in each thing they do.

She has even gone to great lengths to talk about my mother's family and turn me against them when I was just a little girl. At this stage, I have no inclinations to develop any relationship with my stepmother, all I try to do is get what I have to, to live a comfortable life on my own and by the meantime, stay out of her way so she can stay out of mine

Anyways, I hope the other mothers here recognize that kids are just that...kids and that their actions can affect what they grow up to be so please be careful and do not go into a relationship with someone with a child thinking that it is going to be hard or simple cause it isn't. It requires alot of patience and that I am sure the child would appreciate you trying to reach out to them instead of doing what my stepmother did to us. I thank god everyday I have not turned out to be an unloved criminal or something worse.

I really thought that when I got married I could be a good mother to my hubby's 6yr old. Well 4 years later I am so burnt out from all her drama and manipulation. Now I have an 18 month old and I just can not stand her behavior and I do not know what to do. All my hubby and I do is fight about her. I am miserable and ready to leave.

Marie-I am in a similar situation as you.As much as my fiance gives (both time and money) it's never enough. And when he doesn't come up with $600 for lessons on the spot, she has no prob telling the kids,"it's cuz daddy doesn't really want to see you happy". I have assured him, that he does NO FAVOURS for the kids by caving to their mother's insane demands.And in time, the kids will see how it is in REAL LIFE.You can't have everything you want when you want it.And you certainly can't throw a hissy fit like their mother does in front of them when she doesn't get her way.Even though we've tried to protect the kids as best we can from it,they are too smart and the oldest has now started to clue in.It's not easy with crazy exes,but HOLD ON!!It does come back to you when you are the bigger person.It may not happen overnite,but it will happen. You also have to let yourself be open to actually seeing it. Once you do, you will notice it,however small it may be. Then secretly high five each other!!

My husband and I have been together for 3 yrs. We have a 19mo. together and his 15yr old adopted daughter lives with us (her adopted mother wants nothing to do with her). She is in troubled or causes trouble every couple of months. In the beginning I felt terrible for her and tried to do whatever I could to help her with the many emotional problems she has, but it didn't seen to make any difference. We have had her in multiple therapies since she came to live with us. She has been diagnosed as a borderline personality with severe depression. She is suidal, cuts herself, shoplifts, swings between bulimia/anorexia, is a chronic liar and manipulator. We've spent over $200,000 in just the last 1 1/2yrs to help her, she now has started telling them therapist and my husband that I mistreat her, scream and threaten to physically abuse her. Everyone knows she's lying but it has hurt me so deeply after everything I feel like I have done for her that I don't know how to get over it. I now know why her adopted mom wants out

There is no easy answers in being a stepmother. I have been one for over 11 years, and the unpredictability of dealing with someone else's child and ex-wife never really gets "easier."

My advice is either get out while you still can, or grow some seriously tough skin, to be able to handle all the drama that seems to come with the stepmother territory.

You can be the best stepmom in the world to your stepkids, but ultimately, the relationship is built on sand.

Do your best, and if you're lucky, they will realize how much tears and sweat you put into them when they are in their 20s or 30s!

I found it interesting that this topic has the most comments posted of the 5 'think like a therapist' topics. I missed the Today show segment on stepparenting, but I have read other stuff and have always found the advice to be lacking - do the people who write this stuff all live in 'perfect stepparenting world'?!! Where is the real advice?
I would like someone to stand up & give the low down & dirty on how to deal with all the crap that comes with being a stepparent -- the b***hy ex-wife; the kids who think the sun shines out of the bio-mom; how to get your opinion on kids health, activities, parenting issues across to 'mom' (who takes what you say & just ignores it, because 'how would you know - you aren't their mother?'); how to influence other people involved in the kids lives that you actually are of some worth (teachers, sports coaches, bio-mom, other moms at school, sports, church, etc) instead of just 'that b**ch who married those poor children's dad'.
When does the proper advice start?

Here here, Ms. Lee! Simple advice- direct & to the point.

The basis for so many of these posts seems to be the relationship the step-parent has w/the bio-parent. A NORMAL relationship has to be strong to be the basis for a future together. 1 involving Steps has be even stronger.

If 1 or more of the adults involved isn't prepared to actually "parent", the whole thing can fall apart like a house of cards.

Im only a year into the experience & Im scared every day- every time I yell, every time I compliment, every time I discipline, every time I get a hug & kiss, every time Im the target of abuse and every time we cuddle. I couldn't do it if I didnt KNOW that my fiancee was relying on me AND looking out for me.

Im no shrink, but I think if I was as unhappy as some folks seem to be, Id either force my sig-other into couples therapy, or leave. Im convinced that an unhappy house is no environment for ANY child, step or bio, to grow up in. We as the adults are responsible to do what we can, even if that means change.

Let me start by saying that I have a 14yr old stepdaughter that I've known (or at least tried to know) since she was 9. At that time, she was a very lovely, funny, and affectionate child. Unfortuneately, those awful teenage yrs hit and she has since acted out towards me. She has gotten up in my face twice! Both times while I was pregnant with both of my kids. She also assaulted me this past August by hitting me more than once and blackening my eye, scratching up my face and giving me a concussion. I must say that I think that no matter how hard you try with these kids, it's up to whether or not the ex is a sane person. My husband's ex is not. She's had numerous boyfriends and has moved numerous times. At the time that this situation occured, she accused me of abusing my stepdaughter and my own bio children. Child Services got involved and it was a mess. Please help! I feel badly for my husband because he's caught in the middle. What can we do?

I am a mother of two boys.I got married to my hubby who was a widower then with two girls aged 11 and 4 yrs. I was 24 yrs and being single then .A wicked Aunt of the girls poisoned their minds and they started spreading bad rumours to the relatives(i.e they go to bed hungry e.t.c) and all over sudden the relatives started hating me up to this minute.The husband is an alcoholic who always comes home late in the night while everyone is asleep and hence he doesn't care to bring us together.He doesn't love me anymore.My relationship mostly with the older girl is so so bad that we don't share anything. I feel so bad when I recall all what they have done to me in the past and I haven't been able to forgive them.I would like to quit the marriage but the boys love their dad so so much. I dont know what to do but this is stressing me so much.

To continue on about the 14yr old stepdaughter. Not only did I try to be a friends to her during the past couple of years, we tried to include her in every event in our lives. When we got married in 2002, she was in our wedding as a bridesmaid. She even made a toast saying how happy she was for us. Soon after that her mom started in on how her dad now has a family and no longer cares for her and that it's all my fault. My husband and I both tried to let her know that she's an important part of our lives by including her in everything. When we bought our house right after we married, we let her pick out her bedroom and we included her in the birth of her half-sister. When her sister was born her mom stated to her that now that her dad has a daughter with me, she is no longer his daughter. I was known to my stepdaughter as the most evil of women by stealing her dad from her. This was not true because they were divorced when his daughter was 2. We got married when she was 9.

After all of those comments, it was like a competition between myself and my stepdaughter for her Dad's love and affection. When we would go anywhere, my stepdaughter would step between us and hold her Dad's hand wherever we would go. She would look at me like see, I won. We would go to someone's house and she would sit on her dad's lap like a small child and she was 11 at the time. After a while, her visits started to drop off. It started with every weekend then dropped to every other weekend than to one weekend a month to only 2 times a year. During all this time, her mom was telling her bad things about me. Every visit was agony. I walked around on eggshells around her hoping not to upset her. My husband was aware of the situation and tried to talk to his daughter about it but to no avail. After the situation occurred of her hitting me, she was no longer welcome in our house because she did it in front of her sister. I know that this hurt my husband, but what else am I to do?

I happen to agree w/stepparents when they say they get the crappy end of everything. No matter what we do as friends and parents, it's never enough. I always that that adults were supposed to get some measure of respect in their own homes, but that's not the case here. This situation has put a strain on my marriage. Anytime my stepdaughter's name comes up, my husband gets defensive and blames the situation on his ex. His daughter is not blameless in this. I feel she's old enough to know right from wrong. He can't seem to understand why I don't want her in the house. I've got to protect my kids from that type of anger and abuse from their half sister. What if she would get mad at them and hit them like she hit me? She could seriously hurt them. That's why I don't think she will ever be welcome in the house again. I feel that stepmoms get a bad rap. When did we become the bad girls? The only think I wanted to do was show love to my stepdaughter. Why is that so wrong?

I have been a smom for 21 years and have never had a more unappreciated job in my life. I have tried all the advice and we has stepparents still do not have a place. Has long has stepkids have two house holds that they can bounce back and forth from we are in serious trouble of not raising normal adults that are capable of standing on their own two feet. I beleive that bio parents have soo much quilt these kids have been treated different than one from a stabble long term marriage!! That is my take!!! Been there!!!

Sharon, why do you say that having two households creates kids that grow into adults who can't stand on their own two feet? My own opinion is that we, the baby boomer generation, have raised a generation of kids with a sense of entitlement, and no work ethic! The television talk shows abound with stories of freeloading adult kids who won't leave the nest, or get a job, or chip in toward household expenses. They also expect their parents to wait on them hand and foot, do their laundry, cook their meals, buy them a car. Most of those kids I've seen come from a family where there has been no divorce. Do you think this entitlement and freeloading is more prevalent in young adults whose parents divorced when they were children?

Testing

My sixteen yr. old step-daughter came to live with me 9 months ago. My husband and I have been married 4 years and my kids, 11 & 7 have always lived with us.
It was hell for the first 6 months and it's slightly getting easier. Last yer, the bio-mom decided to move to an island (not a good place for teens) to live with her boyfriend of 6 years after my SSon graduated and left for college. She claimed she couldn't afford to stay living with my SD to let her finish highschool with a 50% child support cut. Also, she was afraid her fiancee wouldn't wait for her if she didn't move where he lived. My SD wanted to live with us at 1st, then she changed her mind. She took all her anger out on me and her Dad when she's really mad at her Mom for abandoning her. Her mom has never visited and SD has only visited her Mom 3xs in 9mos. We knew we needed help and we're in counseling weekly. At 1st, my huband was parenting her out of guilt, but we have stuck together and put our marriage 1st and he is standing up to her now

(Continuing) I was tryiing to hard. My SD turned against me and started competing with me. SHe used me and was manipulated her Dad and my kids. She had no rules living with her Mom and no chores. We had to put together a rule book because she thought we were so mean by asking her to vacuum 1x a week and pick up her wet towel. We've stayed strong in our beliefs together.Children need boundaries and consistency from parents and she's learning this the first time.When we caught her lying, stealing, bad grades, etc., he took away the computer, cell-phone, I-Pod, Driving, etc. He's stayed very strong and now she's finally starting to understand. She talks to us at dinner, laughs, does the dishes, and is learning to be more respectful. I decided to quit trying so hard and to continue loving my own children and hoped she woul gain my respect one day. It's working. She is not as rude and manipulative and realizes she can't come between her dad and me. My advice is to keep the marriage strong!

Being a stepparent is the hardes job any person can ever have. You have to respect or try to the wishes of both parents with there child, but it is even harder whin you don't fill you have a say in your own house. And than you start woundering did you make the right choice, what do you need to do to deal with the situation or how to make it better. Because all stepparents love their partners and the kids but it is very hard to deal with the situation.

We all put ourselfs in the stepparents roll if we are a stepparent. But we need to all remember that "we did not olny marrie our partners but we married thier children and the head ach that goes with the ex." It is not easy but life is not easy and we all deal with it some how and someway.

I agree w/what Wondering said- kids IN GENERAL today seem to forget that they are, in fact kids; and we are, in fact, the adults in charge. The problem we face as step-parents is that the guilt the bio-parents feel about the divorce often results into overcompensation. The bio-parents will let the kids get away w/more, & will ease up on expectations of the kids, in an attempt to make it easier for them. But I think that can easily have the opposite affect, especially considering how kids are to begin w/today.

I stand by my earlier assessment: its all about the relationship you have w/your spouse. If you thought things out before getting together, and you can trust & rely on each other, then you should be able to handle the kids... and anything else. Granted, the kids may have other legitimate issues, and the ex might be a putz; but you deal w/those things together. Otherwise, 1 or both of you shouldnt be there in the 1st place.

Barring any MAJOR issues, I think kids will come around if they sense happiness.

Today I read about PAS, Parental Alienation Syndrome. Judges, lawyers, & counselors are unaware of it, even though it is widespread. As described on another blog, it is the way custodial bio-moms (usually not dads) "create an alienation situation by making Dad out to be the 'bad guy' to the child. The bio-moms often behave like a victim--crying, accusing of Dad -- in front of the child and makes the child aware of every mistake Dad made. This puts the child in a loyalty bind. The child sees Mom as the 'injured party' who has been unfairly treated by Dad, not to mention that Mom probably told the child she was 'very badly treated' by Dad. The child most likely 'knows' far too much information about the problems between the parents but this information is usually one-sided and tilted to make Dad look very bad."

It is brainwashing: a look, a tone, a comment. I think most of the cases written about above involve PAS where Stepmom is always the target, and Dad very often is as well.

I have a step daughter that lies constantly. My husband doesn't like his ex, of course, and wants me to be an influence in her life. I don't think she wants me to be an influence, she has a mother, and her mother is good to her, except SD plays to her father that "mom is a b**** and treats me bad" and he falls for it. SD uses both of her bio parents and my husband doesn't see it happening or doesn't want to see it. My 2 boys know exactly how she is. They tell her all the time that she's a liar, and that causes fights too, cuz she's a very good actress-tears, bawling, the whole bit. I have a real problem with it. I do a lot for my kids. My husband never did much for SD until I came into the picture. Now SD asks her father for things I have given my own kids, and without even asking me, he expects me to do them. (parties, extra gifts, etc. things they don't get from their bio dad) I just don't think I should be expected to play the role of her mom when she already has a good one.

Hi, Monica, is it possible for dad to play a more active role in raising the 13 yo daughter? 1 hr to get ready every day is rediculous! He should also be the one to reprimand her and support you in your efforts to raise daughter. Counseling may help, if not maybe she'd be happier with her other mom.

Ok...here's my story. I left the US to move to New Zealand with my 14 year old daughter. He has his 2 daughters over every other weekend. He glorifies his two girls and believed they can do no wrong. They ARE nice girls but are far from perfect...basically, just normal little girls (aged 10 and 12). He is very critical of my 14 y/o daughter however. She is also a very good girl and works extremely hard to gain his approval...which doesn't come very often at all. His 12 y/o has revealed some of her secrets to my daughter that would spin her father's head yet he stoutly believes she's perfect and my daughter is not so great. She's feels like an outsider. When they come over every other weekend, they take over the house and my daughter and I retreat to our rooms as they've taken over the house. He doesn't discipline them or make them clean up so I become a maid every other weekend. But God help my daughter if she doesn't clean up after herself! I can't believe I was dumb enough to sacrifice moving. Help

Sorry...I moved to New Zealand to be with him. We have not married yet...he's proposed and I've accepted but I'm having serious second thoughts. I am thinking hard about moving out with my own children to our own place. BTW, my son has just moved over here to NZ with us...so there will be even less room for my kids and I every other weekend when my partner's 2 princesses come over. I'm sorry...I've bent over backwards to develop a relationship with them and they're spoiled kids...they're lazy and they resent me. They just want their mom and dad back together and my presence just spoils that. It's understandable but I'm sick of it all and especially sick of how my kids and are are treated when they're over.

Geez...just reread last 2 posts I wrote. Sorry about the hideous grammar. I was really upset when I posted these.

I am a step mother to three boys, I have a son of my own. Lately i feel so left out that i would rather spend time alone when they come to visit. My husband treats them differently to how he treats my son and seems to treat them as if they are very young, when he is always saying my son shouldnt be babyish. I guess this is due to him missing them so much and it doesn't help that his ex wont even let the, be on my own with them, she threatens that they wont be able to see their dad. I find the situation very hard and now i feel my relationship with them is suffering as i can feel myself distancing. I'm not quite sure where i fit in when they are here and who can i talk to?

Kate: I just read your response and i can totally sympathise. My son is treated differently too, i know my husband tries to treat him the same as them but he doesnt. His are 7, 7 and 9 and mine is 8. They do get on well but he lets them get away with far more than he would my son. like you, i have began to retreat when they visit, partly because i dont feel welcome and partly because i dont know what i am suposed to be, other than the one who cooks, cleans and tidies up after everyone.

I dont want to state the obvious here, but... do some of u step-moms talk to your spouses?

At the risk of sounding like Im making excuses- were men; and we ARE wired differently than u are. Generally speaking, we need things said plainly to us, & we need subtle things pointed out to us.

A step-parent (mom OR dad) is already coming into the picture w/a whole bunch of handicaps we dont need to go into here. So the bio-parent HAS to do what s/he can to make the step-parent feel like an equal in the house.

If the bio-parent isnt aware of the double std theyre applying, then they need it pointed out & they need to know how its making u feel. If they ARE aware, & don't care enough to try harder, then I suspect the kids arent the only issue u 2 have.

As Ive opined before- its all about backup. If both spouses arent looking out for 1 another, then issues w/the kids are probably just symptoms of a bigger relationship problem.

Seek counselling- start for yourself, get some strength, then make your spouse get involved.

I guess I'm venting here. I do see that many people have it worse then me. I have 2 grown sons. Just started my empty nesting when my husband and I married. With in a year we had full time care of his 2 daughters who are now 12 and 15. Bio mom moved out of state with a serious violent abuser. My husband is a wonderful loving man. The girls are good girls. I do love them. I think my problem is that I can't seem to get boundries in place. I spend much time driving them places. Select soccer, friends houses, riding lesson. I don't have any personal space. My master bathroom is used by both girls ( they a bath of their own but mine is nicer) their friends when ( which is often) walk through my bedroom and use my bathroom as well. Laundry is the bain of my existance. Rarely does anyone else put dishes in or out of the dishwasher but me. I cook most meals. I don't perform as well at work. Often after I shower I have to roam through the house looking for my makeup, hairbrush , etc. I have become very resentful. Help

As a stepdaughter, I can say that communication is key to having an open relatinship. My dad married my stepmom 10 years ago, and yes we may have been a bit cruel at times (as a result of the divorce, not her!) but we all learned that she had nothing to do with the divorce. Seeing my dad so happy made us - me and my brothers - grateful to have her in our lives. Yes we are number one on my dad's list, but that does not mean we could be rude or misbehave. He always defended her position as his wife and someone who truly cared and cares for us. She is not always nice - but hey, my mom is not always nice! I am not always nice! Respect and communication. Even among the exes...my parents are there for every important event..weddings, graduations, etc.. we all sit at the same table and eat and laugh...yup, they are mature, not crazy. There were moments were I thought they would never be able to be in the same room..well, ten years later I can say that is not the case and yes it was hard, but it was the best thing as wel

I knew my husband had three children before he met me, then I found out about three more after we married. I tried my best to cope but I have never forgotten the betrayal and although one of those children and I have maintained a very good relationship, the marriage ended and the other children and I are not even on speaking terms. It is very difficult to be a stepmother if the biological mother and the children are working against you. It strained my marriage and eventually ended it. Well of course my husband's infidelity contributed greatly to the marriage ending and no matter how well intentioned we are when it comes to stepchildren we all secretly bear some resentment especially when the children are products of extra-marital affairs.

Stepsons mother & my husb. were never married, or cohabitated, dated a few wks - 3 mos later she's expecting. Child was 6 when I entered picture. My husband never had custody, visitation was ltd to a few hours on wkends,son never spent nights 'til after we moved in together.
His mother hated me & encouraged her son to do same. He's been in therapy due to discipline & anger issues (beating on smaller kids & girls), he's been setback in school, at 13 he's in 7 gr. & can't pass most of his classes.In & out of alternative schools. He's now living w/ us, mom's been relieved of parental rights (abuse/neglect). We have a 5 yo son who has been harmed by this boy & I live in constant fear that he will grow up to be a violent sociopath. He has no conscience & is pathological liar.
During custody hearings judge ordered he live w/maternal aunt who didn't send him to school & was picked up for shoplifting.
We are professionals - and are at a loss as to our future & how we will get through this. Any suggestions?

After reading alot of these posts.......These are children we are talking about. Alot of step-parents think these kids are supposed to go on their merry way with no problems. THEY DID NOT CHOOSE TO BE IN THEIR SITUATION! We chose that for them......yes, they are angry.....and they hate us......there father acts different.....that cause resentment! Alot of step-parents will not admit to having resentment....but, its there.
I've noticed alot of step parents just are waiting it out..until the kids leave. Obviously, alot of step parents really don't care...but, they will not admit it. As long as they don't have to deal with them anymore.
I see both sides.....my fiance has a daughter that visits every other weekend. My son lives with his father and step mother, and fiance and I, have a daughter together.
These situations are VERY hard!! I don't recommend it to anyone.....lol.
just kidding. but, I would think long and hard before making the committment to it. These kids hurt also.

Somehow I would like to blame the apparent "authorities" who sometimes deem children under their "custody," but you know what happens when a food source is taken from the government. That statement alone should stop the needless killing of children. Can I get a listing of the people who did that damage?

Thanks for making your forum open to the public. Awareness may prevent problems from arising.

Bruce

What about ADULT stepchildren? My friend is just now having problems after being married for eight years. She married an older man and his son is only a few years younger than she is. They lived together for a few years before marrying, and they now have been married for eight. He printed off a survey she took on myspace and passed it to his father underneath the table they were sitting at in her house! He totally read her answer wrong and it caused problems where there weren't any. Now he is spouting about conversations from 9 years ago and how his father felt sorry for her and took her in. He also brought up conversations that she had with her friends through e-mails. (He requests to check his e-mails everytime he comes over so now she knows that he has been going into her e-mail.) I told her that she needs to tell her husband to talk to his son. He may not agree with them but his son needs to respect his choices, his wife and his house.

i don't what to do i try to keep my kid under control bot i have no help from her father. help me

i don't what to do i try to keep my kid under control bot i have no help from her father. help me

i don't what to do i try to keep my kid under control bot i have no help from her father. help me

I've been married over 3 yrs and dated my husband for 3 yrs before got married. He was divorced before we met. I have 9 yr old step-son and no kids of my own (couldn't have). Waited 2 yrs to make sure I could get along w/my hubby's ex before marriage. Naturally things changed after we got married. Being step-mom is hardest job in the world. No appreciation, no respect and no participation in scheduling or child rearing decisions. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't have married my husband even though I love him dearly. It's so much stress for little or no reward or respect (I'm not looking for equal payback).

I was raised by an extremely abusive stepmother, have been the good stepmother to two, and a mom to three. My father remarried a woman 20 years is junior. She is w/out doubt the most controlling, manipulating, obsessive/compulsive spender and liar that I have ever met in my life. Out of deference to our father and for 30 plus years, we(my sisters and I) have catered to her, kept the peace, tried to love her despite it all and as much as possible, overlooked her insanity. Well not really, it actually causes me great distress. My father is now 80 and said that if he were younger, he'd have divorced her already.

Our first stepmother beat us, threatened us, swore at us, controlled us and denied us for eight years. This stepmother sends me emails with her (first stepmother's) email address in the list of "sent tos" and it absolutely distresses me. Yes, I'm in therapy for it all, but would love a comment or two.

I too agree with Roxanne. I married my present husband 2 1/2 yrs ago after living together for 2 yrs.I have given him and his daughter(13) a house and much monetary support only to have her not respect me and steal from me and lie about it,saying that I forgot where I put such and such. Doing a'Gaslight' routine on me. I have tried to teach her to be responsible and to have respect and she has none to anyone. We bought a new home and all she can do is trash it and expect me to clean up her messes.She has stolen or tore up many of my things only to blame others and her dad will not reprimend her at all. Her bio mom is even worse, lets her run wild,she has a half sister,who has been arrested at least three times before the age of 14,and her mom refuses to get her the help she despertly needs.Anytime there is need for discussion on her actions,he always wants to put it off until another time. I am much older than he is and have raised 3 kids myself(all adults) I am at my ropes end and think my only choice is a long absence. When we married all the responsibility was dumped in my lap,until I refused to 'help' and make him do it himself. I have told them both that I abhor lying and stealing,and really have no use for it. I really am at my wits end and don't know where to go from here.

After reading through this list, I think its apparent that whether the stepmother is accepted or not depends in large part on how the father handles the situation. My life with my step son was sheer living hell. Almost from the moment we met, I loved him and he hated me. Yes, I certainly did REPRESENT the lost hope of his parents reuniting. But that wasn't my fault. I spent 15 years trying to earn his trust and his love while he clung resolutely to his desire to blame and hate me. Through all of this, my husband did precious little. He avoided disciplining his son (who, it seemed to me, was acting out a lot in order to get his fathers attention and to find his boundaries), never stood up for me when his son was abusive toward me, and instead punished me when I tried to parent his son. I watched as this child grew up into a detached but very angry man who had trouble connecting with anyone. Through all of this, I tried to toss him a lifeline of love to me, but it wasn't me he wanted. It was his father. I understood that. But his father was more interested in avoiding both of us than in being a husband and father.

If the stepmom feels loves, respected, and supported by her husband, the whole stepfamily thing will work. The dad needs to communicate to his kids where the boundaries are, how much he loves them and will always be there for them, and how much it is OK for them to love and respect their stepmother AND their mother, too. If instead, the father is cowardly, avoidant, or manipulative, it will be a disaster. Too many men try to compartmentalize their lives (ex-wife here, new wife there, kids somewhere else), keeping everyone separate, avoidable, or controllable. Their families suffer as a result. They run away from one broken marriage and then repeat the same pattern with the new one.

My son lives with his father and has since he was 5 1/2. I had breakdown after my son was sexually malested and felt responsible for not protecting him from predators. his father and I had never had any problems and had vowed to always do what was best for our son.. when i called him to get him we discussed it and with a broken heart agreed that the going back and forth wasnt good for our son.. 4 months later he met a woman who refused with profanity in my front yard to meet me , later he asked for a divorce given jount custody with him beng primary... I was reluctant again but trusted him.. I told him thaqt i would be "took to the cleaners" but he assured me that he would never do that to me..It has been 7 years and the step-mom has been a terror. i have been drug through court, lied to, had important imformation kept from me, kept unaware of health / school issues. I have been bashed verbally around town and lies told as to why my son lives with his father.. For years i could barely afford to feed my daughter(who's father signed over his rights to keep from paying child-support, and yet i still allow her to see him) but tried like crazy to pay the child support they said they needed for insurrance. while all along having state paid insurance.. this year alone I ( my husband:due to my health and inability to work at this time) has paid the child support that has yet again went up, interest causes the balance to still go up 100 dollars a month, but yet she still criticizes me, has gotten state paid counseling accusing my son of outbursts and yet i have never seen this behavior in my son.at my sons request to live with me His dad let him come for one week but upon getting papers that keep him from paying me(, i would keep ins, i would still pay on arrearage and he could still claim him every other year. Joint custody with benefits) now he's forcing jim to come back..., I just want my son happy.... Now my son sits beside me crying saying he doesnt understand and that he hates them... i dont want that from my bby. to know hatred...but i dont know what to do... They are destroying his self-esteem... she criticizes evrything he does, calls me fowl names, askes him where her child support is. she has him to call me to purchase his school supplies, clothes , shoes etc... im stressed.. is there not any justice for those who truly try to do the best for their kids or am i too deal with this hatred of me for eternity.. ( she told me she hated me because i was sooo pretty and she could never take my place with his dad and his grandmother)