Matt Lauer appears to be obsessed with the topic of divorce. Time after time he tries to get an expert to give him permission to divorce, obviously thinking it's "no big deal". Each time experts point out that everyone suffers from divorce, especially children. Gail Saltz is to be commended for telling Matt Lauer the truth rather than what he wants to hear.

Society benefits from intact marriages. Delinquent behaviors, poverty, physical abuse, drug abuse, sexual abuse, STDs and suicide are linked to the rising divorce rate. Those who aren't committed to commitment make problems for all of us.

Also making problems for all of us.....the media. The message of movie and television themes is that commitment is too confining. Births of babies to unmarried mothers are glorified. Having multiple sexual partners is presented as fun without consequence. Having to work hard at anything is portrayed as too tedious.

Hedonism rules the media, sending destructive messages that weaken families and society as a whole.

I would just like to say that the rate of divorces increases exponentially when people get married young. It's really not that high for people who get married after 30. Personally, I think there should be a law that states you can't get married before 25. THAT would be good for society!!

Rachel's comment above is the most ridiculous thing I've ever read. I would love to see the study she's referring to... Furthermore, I would guess that divorce rates are really higher when people enter the marriage with their eye on divorce as an option. In my marriage, it's not even something that crosses our lips. Additionally, when you have a Christ-centered marriage (not a husband, wife, or kid-centered marriage), it takes the focus off the two individuals and onto something much more important. My husband and I aren't constantly asking "what's in it for me?" but "what is God's purpose for me in this marriage? How can I glorify Him through this?" Most of the time, it's by serving each other and not ourselves. We still argue like other couples, but we work really hard to get to the heart of the matter and resolve it rather than just walking away.

And, we are high school sweethearts, got married at 22, and we've been married for 11 years.

All good things must come to an end. Jennifer...for your own good please dont ever think that your marriage will never end...there is a chance that it could. I married my high school sweetheart as well and had the same attitude you did...and after 13 years of marriage ended in divorce. Not saying anything bad about your marriage or yourself...just saying...please never think it couldn't happen to you. I thought that way...and when it did I was lost...thank god I was strong enough to pull myself together and start a new life not only for me...but the kids that my ex-husband and I shared together...

As trice married, twice divorced person, I say that men should not be allowed to marry or have children until after 30! They are (for the most part) not emotionally mature enough for either endevor. Women are (for the most part) more emotionally stable at an earlier age.

Having been someone who was with my ex-husband from 16 years old on. And almost 20 years married, I truly loved him. As he turned 40 and freaked out, I wanted and tried for our marraige to survive. But to no avail. I really think everyone has their baggage to carry and when they drop it you may never know who that person has become. I really take what Dr.Pinsky says and have to disagree. I never wanted my children to get hurt at all. But I could not set the example for my children that it was o.k. as a woman to be treated with less then love and respect. I deserve better then that and so do they. Before his crisis he was the best father/husband. Maybe the world needs to look into the why's and how to deal with the mid life of men and women. My children and I are now happy and are able to forgive and move on from a man who just couldn't live up to what was expected from him for the long run. If you are not happy in your marraige try first but don't stay for the sake of guilt or fear. You have a right to be happy

I have been married for 30 years and you are right that it takes alot of work. I think that my spouse has mental problems (paranoia, accusations of being hurt by family members, friends and me), I have asked him to leave several times but he will not. And I am not leaving my home again. So I live with the accusations and mistrust. I am working on this marriage and no one else. Please keep an eye on your spouses behaviors and when it becomes too much then divorce is the only way out. I will probably stay for my childerns and my spouses sakes, but not for me.

I would just like to say that my husband and I have been together for 14 years,-long, hard years. He is 12 years older than I am and I think with this marriage (his second, my first)he is trying harder, working on what he feels went wrong with the first. There have been times when I have definitely loved him, but not been "in love" with him at that particular time because of hardships we were going through. I think there have been times when we've wanted to throw in the towel but have worked it out because we wanted to be show the 3 kids a good example of working it out. I believe in the same basic things he does, God and family above all and no abuse of any kind. I believe marriage is a work in progress and you do the best you can with what you have. If someone had told me marriage would be this much work, I'm not sure I would have done it. No, not really. On the brighter side, I have my best friend and partner by my side every day. Also at this point, I have him trained, why try to break in a new model?

I WAS MARRIED MARRIED AT THE AGE OF 16 HE 21 , 20 YEARS LATTER HE WENT THROUGH THAT 40S THING AND PLAYED THE FIELD AND JUST DROPED HIS KIDS OUT OF HIS LIFE DIVORCE WAS THE ONLY THING I COULD DO MY SONS AND I ARE JUST GREAT , ONE IN COLLAGE AND ONE IS GETING MARRIED

I have been married 3 times and divorced twice and I have to disagree with the article above. I am younger then my husband yet have more life experience then he does. He has no had children and never been married before me. The maturity level between the two of us is incredible. I assumed once he was in a real life situation (marriage) and around a wife and children, he would mature and grow up. Well, that isn't the case. My son's are grown and my husband is still singing about his body functions and blowing his nose in his dirty clothes. Sometimes you have to admit that you cannot make the differences between you work no matter how hard you try. Yes, I knew what he was like when we married, but I was one of those woman that thought with time and patience, he would change. Shows you how wrong that theory still is! Although he is a good guy, I do not want to be his parent for the rest of my life. That wasn't something I said "I Do" to.

I completely agree with N8VMOM and would actually appreciate it, a LOT, if she could give me more advice. I will be celebrating my 1st year anniversary with my husband (his second marriage, my first - he's 38 I'm 29). What she says is completely true. I never knew marriage entails such hard work! But I adore my husband in spite of the really few misshaps we've had. I can tell that he's trying real hard and has acknowledged the mistakes of his first. I have nothing to say about divorce or whether or not it is a huge no no, or a big yes. I believe it is only a matter of happiness for all, even kids. And happiness is not something that just 'happens' to people. You have to work hard to enjoy the bursts of happiness, fun, passion, romanticism, etc. If not, we would all be bored with our lives and wouldn't even appreciate those good things. The good comes with the bad; and the bad makes you appreciate the good even more. Besides, all the good things just make you work harder through the bad. You just have to give all.

I married my husband when I was 25 and he was 27. It has been 16 years now. It has been a very rewarding expierence for both of us. Life in general has its ups and downs and we have to learn to roll with the punches. Marriage is not always a high and you have to be ready to stand your ground, give in or compromise. I have learned so much from him and I can't see my life without him. Of course we fight about money, family, jobs, raising kids, etc. but we always TALK or yell or get it out of our system! We don't hold anything back and that keeps our line of communication open. When we fight, we always make sure to tell one another that we love each other and that this will also blow over and we find a way to mend whatever is broken. We laugh, cry, share, and I want our daughter to see that it is o.k. to speak your mind, let people know what your thoughts are and then maybe you can work out your differences. We are always changing and life should be a positive expierence no matter what the situation.

I have been married 3times, divorced 2. I am going on 17 years to the third. The first was wild,free and drank alot and was also a great lover. The second was wonderful, caring and I married on the rebound because I was with child. I really thought it was the right thing to do but I didn't love him. The third is good looking, wild and free and likes to drink too, I knew he was perfect from the first time I saw him. The only difference is that I have been in a twelve step program for eight wonderful years now and learned that I am not perfect and not great to live with either. I learned to love and respect myself and along with that came the love and respect from him. Life is hard, you have to tell each other you love them every day no matter what. And from the start if you are not crazy in love with the person, when the times get tough, thats what will keep you hanging in there. good luck

I had a brain tumor,lost my hearing in the right side of my ear and my right side of my face is paralized,my husband left me,we re having problems before but what does that tell you about him,we've been married for 13 years together 20 years and he didn't want to work things out ,it was all my fault.I don't think I knew him at all.

LADIES, ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS RUN AND RUN FAST. A LIFE OF INDENTURED SLAVERY IS WHAT YOU WILL LIVE IF YOU STAY IN A MARRIAGE FOR MONEY OR FOR YOUR CHILDREN'S WELL BEING. YOUR CHILDREN WILL NOT APPRECIATE BEING RAISED IN AN UNHAPPY RELATIONSHIP AND YOUR HUSBAND COULD GO BROKE. SO, RUN!

So, the thing is; if you're going to marry, make sure it's for good come what may. Both man and wife need to each give 100%, or at least 80-100%. 50-50 will never work, it's not enough. All the talking in the world won't assure you your guy is going be the 80-100% type of guy, but once you say "I do" you have to believe he's in it for good too. So when two people who feel this way match up, you'll have a successful marriage (yes with all the pain, hardships, stress, etc). I think Dr. Gail is only saying everyone needs to be clear they're going to get married when they're ready to give their own 100% to the marriage. Statistics show it's not the case. I gave my all, but my ex didn't. I would have stayed married, but he wanted out. But I have dedicate my life to my children: 1 in college, 2 college bound and a middle schooler with great grades. I thought I married the right guy, but I didn't. Even as a divorcee I can say Dr. Gail is right. Expectations are set too high to reach. Both need to give 100%.

So, the thing is; if you're going to marry, make sure it's for good come what may. Both man and wife need to each give 100%, or at least 80-100%. 50-50 will never work, it's not enough. All the talking in the world won't assure you your guy is going be the 80-100% type of guy, but once you say "I do" you have to believe he's in it for good too. So when two people who feel this way match up, you'll have a successful marriage (yes with all the pain, hardships, stress, etc). I think Dr. Gail is only saying everyone needs to be clear they're going to get married when they're ready to give their own 100% to the marriage. Statistics show it's not the case. I gave my all, but my ex didn't. I would have stayed married, but he wanted out. But I have dedicate my life to my children: 1 in college, 2 college bound and a middle schooler with great grades. I thought I married the right guy, but I didn't. Even as a divorcee I can say Dr. Gail is right. Expectations are set too high to reach. Both need to give 100%.

I will be married 24 years in June. Married HS sweetheart right out of HS. 2 teenagers left in the house. They tell me that they want me to divorce him. Around age 40, he began complaining & knit picking everything we do. All the way from how we grocery shop to bill paying/housecleaning. We feel as if everything must be in order before he comes home or another lecture will be heard. I pick up after the teenagers just so I don't have to hear another lecture.Our house is clean. Example= He becomes disturbed if he finds hair on the bathroom floor, crumbs on the table, toothpaste splattered on a mirror. Forget to pay a bill, or write it on the calendar. He controls everything from where we go out to eat, to big expences. If I disagree, then he shuts down, then we don't do it or I do it alone, & feeling guilty. He doesn't call me names or ever laid a hand on me, but I feel like his mother cooking & cleaning for him, & his child getting lectured by him, when it is never good enough. Is this emotional abuse?

Hi Susie: It sounds as though you need to be sure of what YOU want from this relationship. I know from experience that this type of behaviour can be demoralizing, and hard for the kids, too. However, I also know that YOUR attitude to it can make a huge difference ... instead of getting mad or upset when he picks, just smile and tell him that you are doing your best. Your reaction is your choice. Good luck!

EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT, MARRIAGE IS A COMMENTMENT BETWEEN TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. MY X-WIFE DECIDED THAT IT WAS ALRIGHT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH HER HIGH SCHOOL BOY FRIEND EVEN THOUGH THE GUY'S WIFE WAS 7 MONTHS PREGNANT, GIVING THE LADY OUR TWO DAUGHTER'S OLD BABY CLOTHES & PUTTING OUT TO THE WOMAN'S HUSBAND. I TOOK US TO TWO MARRIAGE COUNSELORS, THE FIRST SAID HE COULDN'T HELP, HE HAD KNOW IDEA WHY SHE BEHAVED THIS WAY. THE SECOND WAS MORE EXPERIENCED BUT WAS MISTIFIED ALSO UNTIL MY X. ADMITTED THAT SHE HAD HAD THREE AFFAIRS WITH MARRIED MEN WHILE SHE WAS IN COLLEGE AND FOUND IT FUN AND EXCITING TO CHEAT. THE COUNSELOR TOLD ME TO GO GET A LAWYER. I DECIDED TO TRY TO WORK THROUGH THIS FOR OUR DAUGHTERS SAKE BUT THAT WAS MY MISTAKE, ONCE THE TRUST IS GONE, THE RELATIONSHIP IS GONE. WHEN SHE WAS HAVING HER NEXT AFFAIR, SHE HAD THE DIVORCE PAPERS IN THE WORKS SO "SHE WOULDN'T BE CAUGHT WITH HER PANTIES DOWN LIKE THE FIRST TIME". WHEN IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER, DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME.

The person who wrote this....."I have been married 3 times and divorced twice and I have to disagree with the article above. I am younger then my husband yet have more life experience then he does." PLEASE contact me! I am in the same, exact boat and I would love to talk to you.

I have been married 10 years to the same man. He works long hours 5am-9pm (teacher and coach and bartends 2 nights a week). I was a stay at home mom with our three children 8,5,2. Those days get long. I am also completing my masters and substitute teaching, talk about busy. This is the worst year of our lives. When husbands and wives are so busy they often forget about their own health and their marriage. That is our case. My only thought... just a little longer. Often times the more things that families need to deal with the worse the relationships. I like simple. I want to have a better marriage, more playtime with my children, and less stress. The more stress the less you have to give to each other. That is where I am at now. I cry over everything, and I know I am not the same person as I was 10 years ago. Now I need to finish everything and concentrate on us. Remember ladies, especially those with children, find some time for yourself, others (husband) will benefit.

I've an 80 strict father who has said hurtful things 2 me & my family,who rarely visits, mostly because we don't invite him because of his behavior.I still love him, & feel he raised me as best he could when my mom died.He had said hurtful things as I was growing up, so I'm not as hurt as my family is when he says things. I feel I've done everything in my power NOT to say harmful things 2 my children as they grew up, Knowing how it felt. I have a wonderful relationalship with them. They confide in me,instead of their dad. At this time they're having a difficult time being close to their father.Heres the deal. For years, my husband has known, how I don't want to converse like my father, & lately we've been struggling with our marriage. When we fight, he does the talking & he will often say, I'm just like my father(knowing that those words cut me like a knife).My husband's trashing me secretly 2 my teenagers, who are telling me what he's saying behind my back, & telling me what he's saying is false,& R behind me.

It is so cute, marriage advice from someone married one year. You people are amateurs. I've been married 40 years to the same person, first marriage for both, from when I was 17 and he is 20 years older than I am. Staying married is a simply function of how much stuff you can put up with. I do have my standards - if I ever found out he was cheating, he'd be dead in bed the next morning, and he knows it. We stayed together through fire and brimstone, for the kids, and because we just didn't want to get a divorce. We didn't even begin to know what marriage was truly about until we had been married about 20 years. People now days are such quitters and such prima donnas. Such wimps and whiners. Grow a set and stay married, for everyone's sake. Being married is great now. Hang in and go for the gold.

Yes you say you have been married 40 years but the negativity that you portray and the names that you refer others to is only a portrayal of yourself. Tell me, what did you do as a woman,... Motherhood, job, education. Your reasoning about marriage was a function of how much stuff you could put up with. That is condescending to yourself if you truly "put up" with certain things. Every one and every marriage is different, categorizing them to your standards is controlling and you need to be recognized. Is that how your marriage portrays you?

If my math is right, Mom..You were 17 and he was 37 when you were married..? Is'nt that illegal?

In today's times, we as women are still viewed as damsels (needing to be protected or rescued). Further, why can't women have a more satisfying sex life (like married men) but it's not mentioned.
This is archaic. Marriage is not 50/50, it's what you want or need out of it.

Look at us women, we bicker, and fight, call us opinionated. We as mothers, women, workers, entrepreneurs, health care providers, chefs, taxi drivers, we are here being so neg. We do a hell of a lot to provide for our families, husband included. How about a little appreciation. If you are a stay at home mom, it is hard because your husband gets a lunch hour, and gets to go to the bathroom by himself. We are with the kids doing a variety of jobs. Not just getting ourselves ready to go to work but taking care of everything, yes everything. The bills, the shopping the cooking the driving, the lunch preparing not to mention breakfast and dinner, no luch hour, cheap or no pay, and yah right all the happiness in the world to do all these jobs with no break. Then, we have to focus on our marriage? At least our husbands get to get out and have a life outside the home. I tried it too, yet I still had all my inside and child rearing responsibilities. Nothing had changed I just got swamped.

Lucy, my, my, what a condescending attitude you have toward me. I will not be drawn into a "did not - did too - so's your old man" "I'm-smarter-and-more-successful-than-you-so-I-must-be-right" type of smug discourse. Your attempt at an "ad femina" attack for the purpose of putting me on the defensive is of no consequence and adds nothing whatsoever to the discussion of marriage.

Marriage is what it is, which is having some integrity, keeping one's promises, hanging in through thick and thin (remember "for better, for worse, until death do us part").

A person's level of education, occupation, or parenting style is irrelevant. A couple does not need those attributes to make a marriage work. One thing I have found over the years is that a person who has nothing legitimate to add to the discourse will usually try to turn it into a personal inquisition against the person with whom she does not agree. Let's see some blinding flashes of incisive insight into the subject matter instead.

Dear Horrified-

Nope.

Marriage is never for sure because you don't know what is going through the other person's mind. Evidently, my husband held in the mid-life crisis for 20 years. I had been ill and in terrible nerve pain for 7 years and 6 foot surgeries and 2 staph infections and he left me for another woman with more money after 43 years of marriage. This greatly affected our 4 children and 9 grandchildren. I now have an unknown old age facing me and my family is almost totally torn apart because of the divorce. In divorce, it affects more than the ones involved, but sometimes a person doesn't have a choice.

To mom,
you may be older, but that does not mean wiser. Those that claim to be smarter rarely are they just need to reassure themselves.

I like Lucy. If you read her earlier excerpt she is a hard working mom, and devoted wife. To MOM the lady that bickers, someone (your child?) is not quite comfortable. And yes, if your parents let you get married at sixteen then there were other issues present. Not just with you but with your parents.

I like Lucy and newcomer. I admire Lucy because she's a really hardworking wife/mom. I cherish everybody's contribution and welcome more. However, I felt condescended by Mom, when she said it was 'cute' that I was giving marriage advice at only one year. If she read my entry carefully, she would have seen that I was never attempting at giving advice. I was only agreeing with N8VMOM because I would love to hear more advice from women in her/mine situation to make it work. And what I said in the end about hapiness and working hard for it and so on, was not advice. It's a theory that I've applied to every aspect of my life, family, work, etc. If Mom thinks it is useless what we all have to share; well then her negativity is beyond me. "If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say a thing". Mom probably didn't teach that to her children. It is true, I don't know what marriage is all about yet; what I do know is that it is definitely not "how much stuff you can put up with".

I'm in my 2nd marriage, 26 years in June, I knew my husband had a problem with alcohol before we got married. Kids are now grown and moved out and we exist together but it's just so lonely. He's not abusive and has never said a mean word to me in 26 years but lately I look at my friends and co-workers and I'm just so envious but I don't have the nerve to go on my own. I tell myself it's integrity but i think it's just plain fear and lately I feel like I'm disappearing a little more each day. No physical contact for at least 10 years but I've lost track. Surely there should be more than this.......?

Tough. I love talking about this kind of stuff, it makes us all feel like we are not too lonely out there. But, if you knew alcohol was a problem before you got married that should have sent up a red flag, but you knew that already. The no physical contact for 10 years, that is even tougher. I don't know the whole story, but is it due to any medical problem or just lack of desire on both part? Alcohol can take a big part in the lack of physical desire, it can take away the desire for everything not just a spouse. It can be consuming and nothing else matters. But, do not loose yourself over a man who has his own ghosts. Start getting your life back with friends, families, a new hobby etc... the will give you the confidence to either deal with it and have a life outside of the marriage or it will give you the self-esteem to leave and pursue a desirable relationship. All in all you will be a better person, and who knows amybe it will help him want to be better too.

11 years ago I got involved with a married work colleage who had three young kids...to make a long story short he left his wife and kids and we eventually got married, now 5 years ago. The problem is that I am not sure if I did the right thing now, I found those years very difficult to deal with guilt(I didn´t know what it was going to be like to be the "evil" stepmom), shame (everybody, including his parents, specially his father, snubbed me first, then gave in a little reluctantly- I also felt pressured by my own family to try to make it work and carry on for the sake of my reputation.) All of these facts plus others like our lifestyle (we have lived in 4 different countries since) that prevents me from deciding where to live or where/when to work which has disenpowered me a lot (I am a "dependent" spouse)and caused a major strain to my self-esteem; also our vacations away from these foreign countries invariably are dedicated to his spending "quality time" with his kids...which I can understand but resent all the same. But the biggest blow of all has been the delayed parenthood. I used to believe, this is when I was 21, that I didn´t like children and might not pursue having them at all--which made him feel comfortable since he had had a vasectomy. Ever since we got married (I was 28 by then) I made it clear that I wanted children. He didn´t like this change of mind I had but ended up saying he would reverse the vasectomy and do it "just for me". Obviously this made me feel unespecial and so when we tried the reversal and it didn´t work out I did not push the subject...but resented him nonetheless. The point is all this giving up on dreams, expectancies, etc. have taken a toll on the relationship and when we were forced to separate for a year because of a work situation (he went overseas alone), I ended up having an affair with an old flame. This was precipitated by the fact that I was going through bereavement over the loss of my mother the year before (I was living at her house while he was gone) and by the fact that in spite of my pride I got him to consent to have an IVF treatment...and when he visited home for a few days our plans fell through, for other health reasons. This was too much to bear and I indulged myself in this other persons´s company and affection. But deep inside of me didn´t think he was worth leaving my husband for, who indeed is a very good husband. But the affair carried on for more than a couple of months and we both took a liking to our company. However, my gut feeling was to try not to get too involved with him as he had crushed my heart in the past -and I have the feeling he was carefully trying not to either, for he knew I was married and no assurances were given. So when it finally came down to leaving country to reunite with my husband I did, but it all hit me like a ton of bricks when I arrived. I came clean to my husband and ever since then I have been trying to make sense of this whole ordeal. I am trying to find out why this happened to me, how did I get here and how do I head out? Is it heading out of the marriage? On the one hand I know I still have deep feelings for my husband, but on the other hand, I know how difficult it is for me to deal with the life that he can offer to me. I have considered separating and living on my own for a while to see how my thinking and feelings evolve...but my husband has threathened to call it quits if I do for he says he just doesn´t trust me anymore. It has been almost 8 months since I came back to my husband and they have been very very difficult and painful for both of us, but sometimes we feel very fortunate that we are together.Some other times I think the affair was an excuse to head out of an insatisfactory relationship and that my lack of trust on the other person and fear of failure stopped me in the last minute. I am very confused and afraid to spoil my marriage irreversibly. I am afraid I can come with very good reasons to not go anywhere and stand by my husband´s side…but I also fear a life full of regret if I don´t act on my impulse which keeps whispering “get out, get out now”. What is this urge? I can´t seem to be comfortable with either staying or leaving, considering all the risks involved! Help!

You sure do have a story. What makes me wonder a little bit is the fact that you started dating your future husband even though he was married, and then found your self cheating. It becomes a vicious cycle doesn't it. I don't see why your husband had a hard time after you told you that you were cheating when he did the same thing to his ex-wife. I really believe that what goes around comes back around.
Many people cheat because they are lonely or need validation from others that their spouse is not providing them with. It sounds like you were looking for something that your husband could not give you. At this time you were feeling a little rejected by his family members, living is different countries etc... like you said it is hard to feel comfortable with all in all these situations let alone try to have self-assurance. Maybe this is where the other cheating on your part came into play. You needed to fill a void whether it be out of loneliness, anxiety from moving all over the place and even guilt.

I don't know when it's time to leave for anybody but me... got married for the first (and ONLY) time at 42. Yes, 42. Couldn't find one I trusted til then. He was 52. Also first timer. Thought I had a good guy. After two years, he refused to have sex with me, but made it (very painfully) easy for me to discover he was still having it without me. Obviously I don't know what it takes to make a "marriage" "work", but I do know that when either partner treats the "marriage" as if it's the same as being single, then it ain't a "marriage" by my definition.
For me, when I knew in my soul that I was the only one who was "married" in my "marriage", I left.
And no matter what happens, it was the right thing to do.
One person can't do it.

Lucy, I need your advice.... I really respect your advice...Please read all my stories from above and let me know what you think. Thanks...

Starting with your father, you mentioned that he said hurtful things to you growing up. All parents do sometimes. We are all human, but more importantly your father may have been really hurt with the passing of your mother. Not only did he lose a partner, but became a full time single parent. That is tough stuff for anyone to deal with. His words may have been anger not towards you but toward life itself and you just happened to be there. In regards to you not saying hurtful things to your children, good for you, but remember it is okay for you to teach them that you are human by showing frustration, anger etc.
With your husband in mind and regards to the relationship with the children, I have a feeling that he does not feel in control and maybe a little left out if you and your children have such a great relationship. This might cause him to act out by nit picking over things around the house. It gives him control over the little things. I will continue with another message...

Amy, don't pick up after your teenagers!! They are very capable of doing this, besides it is life skills they are learning. If the mirror is messed up because of them etc and dad comes home and is upset, it should not be at you. Maybe dad needs to take a little control and tell them that you do enough during the day without having to clean up after them. Forgetting to pay a bill, everyone does it. If he is so upset about these things then maybe he should take a little more responsibility around the house or keep his mouth closed. On a lighter note if this all happened at 40 or so maybe his is having a mid life crisis. He may feel left out at home, and the thought of getting older etc... His life maybe out of control and he needs some reason to be important even if it is bathroom inspector. Next time he says anything for example about the bathroom mirror, tell him to talk to the kids or hand him some Windex and tell him to get to it. I have one more little thing to say so stay tuned....

Lastly Amy, (sorry my computer only lets me type 1000 words). When your husband gets upset and you have to do things by yourself or cancel your plans, do it gracefully and with a smile. He obviously wants your reaction to be displeasure. That is another cry for control. If he can control your emotions he knows he has the upper hand. Don't give him that. Lastly Amy, really look within yourself, his actions may not really be the problem. It could be that you need to find fault with him because in your heart you know this isn't working and need to find something to validate that feeling. If you still love him really tell him, ask him to talk (yes, I know that is tough). Maybe he just needs to know that everyone still loves him and needs him and that he is a vital part of the family and that acting out is not the way to gain love. But, who knows maybe he wants out and is trying to make you angry enough to do it so he doesn't look like the bad guy. Tough call, and lots too think about, but let me know...L

well, I have been married to an alcoholic for almost 9 years. There has been good times but mostly bad times. When he gets drunk, he usually tells to - - - - myself, and is verbally abusive. I always give him another chance. I had a father who verbally abused me during my childhood, so maybe that is the reason I am like this. My mother stayed with him for many years until we all moved out behind his back. I have already been thru a terrible divorce and dread doing that again. We finally went to a Dr last week, and since then, my husband has not been drinking. He said he wants to quit so we can be together. I am trying to have faith but am terribly afraid that he will drink again. I know in my heart that if he drinks again, I have to leave once and for all. I hope I have enough strength to do it. I know it will be for the best.

Amy,
I haven't heard from you...
Is everything okay?
L

I'm 25. Never been married and from the looks of things, I guess I should remain single for awhile. I love coming to these comment boards and reading so that I can remind myself over and over that marriage may be something I need to skip over. Also, no matter how much other people push and tease me about getting married (especially since my best friend is getting married and I'm the Maid of Honor), I'll have these wonderful stories to remind me to stick to my guns and remain free from bondage until the day comes where I must make the ultimate sacrifice as so many women have before me.

Again, I say thank you.

Thea, you don't need to skip over the marriage thing. If you are lucky to find the right person then you enjoy it and work hard. Marriage should not be looked at as the ultimate sacrifice. It is the ultimate pleasure for many. These sights are for those that marriage did not work out, not for enforcing a negative attitude.
Please don't rule out one of the best things in life.

Thea, your post cracked me up, but I think you were only half-serious, right? I remember how I felt at your age when all my friends were getting married, and now my daughter, who's 25, like you, is also on the "fence" about marriage. I advised her that the supply of single men begins a rapid decline, starting about now, so carefully look for someone who makes you happy, makes you laugh, and treats you well. (All very important). Then try marriage--at least once--who knows, it may turn out to be the best decision you ever make. But if not, and you've done all you can, cut your losses and get out, even if you have children. (Sometimes, ESPECIALLY if you have children). After all, life is too short to torture yourself in an unrewarding and irreparably broken marriage. But there are plenty of happy marriages out there. The key is that BOTH partners must be devoted and committed, not just one, as is often the case. (And I wish someone had told me all this before I got married so many years ago!)

I will have been married for 20 years this fall. I don't love my husband anymore. We just go through the motions, but don't ever talk about anything important and sex is extremely rare. It's almost like we're roommates. He's critical and has a temper and hates both of his adult children, and I'm stuck in the middle playing peacemaker. I do everything -- from the bills to having the car serviced. I want something better. I think we're just staying together because of finances and because we're "used to each other." We've been on the fence with divorce for the past year. I need to grow a spine and finally do it. I fell out of love with him a few years ago, and can't (or don't want to) get it back. I make more than him, and he vowed to seek spousal support. So be it. I'm 46 and life is too short. What's killing me and making me hesitate is that I believe that marriage should be forever. But I can't go on living this way.

You are so right, marriage should be forever or at least till death do you part. My husband and I went through a similar situation. I found out that he was so busy and so tired that of course our relationship went out the window or at least on the back burner. Sex, as people get older and their responsibilities become numerous our intimacies become far and few between. It is lack of sleep, and demands from our jobs and children.
Years ago people did not seem to "fall out of love" like they do today. It was not an option and they had to work on their marriage. It should be like that today. It is too easy to walk out. Who cares about the kids. Having their parents together is the greatest privilege that children have today. Sad. When you start to talk you start to love again. It is when your brain listens enough to the needs of your partner that your heart responds.

Hey, Melanie, I really hope you check back periodically for responses. I so feel for you. I wasn't married nearly that long - heck, with my (soon-to-be-)ex, it felt like I wasn't married, just along for the ride in his life, as opposed to sharing/building one of ours together. But I digress. It seems to me you two have some real history to build on. Sure, there's the money thing, and believe me I do not underestimate the importance of the money thing in marital relationships. But there's more.
You say he has a temper-get counseling. If not him for anger management, then you for how to cope. Get a GOOD counselor that will not let him (or you) off the hook. Take a short vacation alone or with a girlfriend. Get some time alone. Then see if you can talk with him at all - no shouting/blaming/argument - just talk. Ask him if your life together now is how HE wants it. Chances are it isn't. Then ask what it might take to get what you both want. At this point, what have you got to lose? But a lot to gain?

Lucy, you have wonderful advice keep giving it!

Lucy, you have great advice, keep giving it!

When I began seeing counselors and got involved with some agencies after my separation there was one commom thread in my legal and counseling commmunity. . .Lundy Bancroft. Mr. Bancroft wrote 2 books that I am aware of and have read (I have no financial benefit for recommending these books). These books are titled "Why Does He Do That?" and "When Dad Hurts Mom". I also saw Mr. Bancroft at a conference in my community in 10/06. Anyway, Mr. Bancroft speaks of men who are very manipulating and controlling to the point of creating great disturbance in the marriage and family. . .even, eventually, to the point of dangerous. At any rate, when I read, "Why Does He Do That?", I found my husband's personality on every page. It was very enlightening and very upsetting at the same time. At any rate, there is now an official diagnosis for this behavior among men- it is called Intermittent Explosive Disorder. I thought perhaps these books may be helpful to some bloggers. Perhaps Dr. Saltz can address this new diagnosis.

In a very general way I would like to mention 2 books by a trusted and experienced author named Lundy Bancroft.
(I have no financial interest in his writings.) They are "Why Does He Do That?" and "When Dad Hurts Mom". I had an occasion to hear Mr. Bancroft apeak at a conference in October of 2005. The behaviors that he talks about are common among men and often arise during divorce and custody disputes. Recently I learned that there is now a diagnosis that corroborates Mr. Bancroft's research. The diagnosis is Intermittent Explosive Disorder. There was a psychiatrist speaking about this on one of the morning shows this week.
Perhaps in the future Dr. Saltz may be able to address for her bloggers. To those of whom this may apply the information can be very enlightening and helpful.

I have been married 4 times and divorced 3 times, so I think I know a thing or two about a successful marriage. People give up way too easily nowadays, and don't appreciate how a relationship can grow with a little work...particularly in the bedroom. Those of you who haven't had it going on in the bedroom need to make that move, and I mean tonight. Nothing can replace the feeling of intimacy and closeness you get from it, and, the longer you wait the worse things will get. Trust me on this one, because I have seen it from both sides.

If love existed enough to initiate a marriage, then it should be given more weight than what is cooperatively provided in most cases. Lack of resources is most likely the cause of the turmoil.

Bruce

I am 26 years old (my husband is 35) and we will be married for 2 years in July (my 1st, his 2nd). When we got married I moved 500 miles away from family and friends to be with him. As long as we have been married he has worked long hours and seemed to put everything else ahead of me and our marriage. When I had our daughter I thought things might change and that he would spend more time at home with me and the baby but I was wrong. He does not think he has any responsibility around the house or in taking care of our daughter. I have asked numerous times for him to spend more time with us but it always turns into a fight saying that I don't understand money or the way the world works. I have tried to tell him that sometimes I need a break and some time to myself. He says that being at work is a break and that is all I should need. He has been verbally abusive with me. He has pushed me and threatened me on more than one occasion. I feel like my spirit is broken and that I am not the same person I used to be. I miss the happy, bubbly person I was before we got married. My friends and family have noticed too. I just don't feel like I have that in me anymore. I don't want my daughter to think this is the way a wife is supposed to be treated. I want to leave but I don't want to give up if the marriage can be saved. Is this worth saving?

My husband told me after 7 years that he has herpes. Only told me because I broke out in a rash and he thought he had given it to me. This is after years of constant criticism. We go to marriage counseling and he says things are bad because I changed after I was assaulted on my job. Men suck.

Elizabeth. I know it seems really hard right now. I'm 25 and me and my boyfriend have been together for a little over two years and have had to deal with infidelity. We are working through it and the only reason I have any hope is because of a book called "Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendricks. Its truly revolutionary and it explains some of the more mystifying behavior that happens in a long term relationship. Its a power struggle and its not your fault. Read the book. It will help.

In my early 40's married 15 years. Didn't want to get married until I had a stable job and I felt old enough. My wife has made it very clear for 13 years. That if I don't like IT, (which means if I don’t like her way tuff), there's the door. She had been in a bad cheating marriage so I try to not do anything to reminder her of her 1st marriage. I believe in marriage and that it’s met to be for ever. The last 13 years have not been great for me, as long as I do things her way she won’t get mad. I believe in GOD and till death do we part. So I guess I am here to say "I am just sitting here waiting for death"
I figure GOD is preparing me for HELL; I sure hope I don’t have to much more to learn.
One last Note: I know we always have choices. It's just can we make the right one.

I have enjoyed reading all the comments prior to my own. I will be 35 yrs old next month and have been married over 10 yrs now. My wife and I have 3 handsome boys 8, 6, 2 and I love them with all my heart. My problem is that we were married at a young age. She was 19 and I was 24. I'm in the military and met her overseas. When I met her she didn't speak English so I learned to speak her native tongue. To make a long story short she has never trusted me through all the years we have been together. I will admit I have done my dirt along the way. This last year I met a young lady at work that caught my eye. As time went on I became more attracted to her. I honestly thought in my heart how could I really love my wife if I felt like this for someone else. After a few months of hanky pinky my wife found out and was very upset which is normal. She threatens to get my job involved if I didn't stop the affair. My wife has always been very controlling and demanding with me. There were times when she could go out with friends, and I couldn't because she didn't trust me. I dealt with this for many years while living overseas, but when we moved back to the states I for some reason didn't feel the same. In the last 10 yrs she has never worked, and often complained about being stuck at home with the kids. I went out of my way to let her go out and enjoy herself. Well several months ago the young lady I started an affair with gave birth to my son. She got out of the military and went back home to her family. In the meantime my spouse continued to threaten me with my job because she was hurt and upset over this. To my amazement I went to work and my boss called me into his office to officially reprimand me and reassigned me to a lower level job. Several months later I was reduced in military rank one level and was totally humiliated in front of so many people. My spouse didn't care that the only income we have was mine. Since then I have deployed and will not be back for good until April 2009. I still pay all the bills for her and my kids and she refuses to find a job. In my mind I know what I should do but it's very painful to think about what’s going to happen to my kids. I no longer want to be married because even though I know what I did was wrong two wrongs don't make a right. Whenever I do something she doesn't like she feels she can sabotage my 15 yr military career. That's not fair to me or my kids who will depend on my support regardless if I stay married to her or not. What's your advice to me as a person who has been punished in more ways than you know?

Rob, as tough as it is, the choice is yours to make. You need to decide if you can truly cut your losses and make a life for yourself. I was married for 28 years. I worked and worked at it for my children. I felt very alone and the last 7 years we lived on separate sides of the house. Financially my life is no picnic, but everything I'm going through is easier than having him in my life. Emotionally I couldn't handle the drama anymore. I think your wife is angry with herself and feeling cornered. Her life didn't turn out the way she dreamed. Without some planning it rarely does. If I were you, I would encourage her to get a career and find her passion. You need to both handle this as adults. Talk with her and let her know that you will see her through this time. Then do it!!!

If after she makes something with her life, and regains her confidence and self esteem, and you both do not desire to grow your relationship together...at least you know you supported your family with integrity. Also should you divorce, you know that she now has the means to earn a decent income, thereby assuring your children aren't destitute, should something happen to you while deployed.

When in the military you know that your Commanding Officer has a very strong influence over your life. SO get a life, go above and beyond your call of duty. Care for your family and rather than stew about what you're wife is doing to you, get out of your head and think about your family from your heart. Good Luck! -V

Im married for 19 years, I never would have thought that I could be practically paralized with hopelessness. Everyday the constant bitching, nagging and the financial dependancy just wears me out. The years are flying by so fast now. I used to think that it was better for me to not go on outings with the family, that way they wouldn't have to hear our constant bickering. Often I am not aware of events or outings until the day of. I can't even tell you how many family events i've been left behind that would even include christmases at his families house. It is a sad joke but my friends tease me about packing for a camping trip or whatever, because odds are pretty good that i'll end up not going. Something will come up. My kids are teens now, 19, 17 and 15. Bob will use money to humiliate me. It is still so bizarre, now he thinks that since I haven't worked outside the home for years, the money he makes is his.. i deserve anything. I just dont know how i could change so much. I used to be on top of everything, bills, family, work, appts. life. Now I can't plan what i can do more than a day in advance. I'm turning into a idiot. Im not perfect. Ten years ago I was ready to leave, emotionally not financially but I thought that i needed to stay.. just to get him to like me again, then a divorce would be so much easier. I swear 10 years go by so fast. Do i wait another 5-10years. I just know it should be happier here. What is a 42 yr old mom with no job, money or apparently any life skills going to do? I'd rather be here then all alone, theyd forget all about me. I don't want love out of guilt or pity. how much longer do i stay? We rent the house from his parents, I have no where to go. The kids know he has the money, why would they live with me? I would die without them.

Amy and others in this position, I have been married for 22 years together 24. We have 2 sons 19 and 22, my husband is the biggest liar, self loathing, fake, cheater, so much more......I have a similar issue, my sons and I have a great relationship, built on trust honesty all the essential life skills that I have tried my best to teach them to be great men in the world......My husband on the other hand acts as if they are the product of his teaching, never says a possitive thing to me or about me...... He walks around the house with no interaction with us most of the time, or shows interest until he acts as if he is sleeping then will blow up out of bed to engage in a conversation we might be having or a situation that is at hand and he wants to have some words....put downs or repramends.....he calls our youngest a PRIMA DONNA, because he is a handsome boy involved in athletics, MY husband acts like he is an outsider always having some jealous BULLSHIT attitude!!!!! Or he tells me how I have no friends and no one likes me......I have been through so much crap, He has cheated with other men, woman, strippers? He makes me sick anymore, I feel so distraught of my present situation and he makes me feel very uncertain of my future. Cant ever trust a thing he says, my 19 year old is leaving to a university in July and I just feel there is no reason to be here anymore. There is so much more to say

I originally filed for a divorce in 1997 he threatened the well being of the boys and others that I knew, So in order to insure that he wouldnt have the opportunity to. I stayed and was home when needed, also if the boys came to me about how in front of people he acts like a great guy and dad, at home it was drastically the opposite.. There was a day where I was at work and I came home to find my oldest about 9 had ran into a truck with his bike earlier in the day.....His face was swelled so bad and he spent all day in the living room not saying a word and neither did the husband just come in to check on them at all........I felt so much anger and pain for my son. He said well they didnt need anything or they didnt say they were hungry that sort of BULLSHIT, He STINKS at being a human being.....His parents fucked him up!!!!! He acts like his life was normal and functional, mother died of alztheimer 3 years ago, he hadnt speaked to in 20 years , but he had a great relationship with her? Yeah right, I would ask him to call her and he would say she dont know who I am( for 20 years) spare me the crap. You can try all your life to be the best wife to these kind of people and it will never be good enough, then we become older, bitter, unconfident, feeling as the failure......

Hello,

I need some advice here, from anyone in the same boat as me.
I have been married for 21 years, my marriage has always been hard, I was 18 years old and he was 26 when we got married, and we only had dated for 6 months, I found out a month into our marriage that he had problems, he had a bad temper, to the point that he would break things and throw things, I did not leave, we have been through so much and I still manage to stick by him, from losing our first born child to almost dying in a bad car accident, he tried taking st johns wort for his problem, it helped a bit, then in 1999 after my son was born, he went hay wire, he almost hit our infant son for crying too much, I told him I wanted a divorce if he did not get help, he broke down and said he did not know what was wrong with him, he begged for help, he sought help from a specialist, he diagnosed him with manic depression, which is almost or possibly the same as being bi-polor, they told him it was hereidtary and that he could never be without his medication, he got well, he had a great job, very well paid, had his own office, ran a whold department, was happy, I also have a great job, everything was going well, then there was a sudden death in his family, his mother died, it was very sudden, it hit him hard, he lost his job, he fell into a deep depression, I had just started my career that I worked hard to get. I stood by him, he did not work for a whole year, we almost lost our home, his family disowned him, because his father helped us financially several times, his family is very wealthy, they did not understand why he was so depressed.
he has always drank but this time it got worse, depressed and depending on alcohol while I worked and kept the family together, we have 3 children son 9yrs old, daughter 13yrs old,daughter 16 yrs old, during this time my older daughter was in trouble in school, I dealt with that too, my son too was taking his grandmothers death hard, I too dealt with that, I finally had a nervous break down, and was diagnosed with kidney disease, I took care of myself and had a long talk with him, told him I could no longer deal with the drinking and the unemployment issue, he begged me to stay, he found a job and is still to this day employed, but still falls into depression,not as bad but he still goes back to his mothers death, which I fully understand losing a parent can be very difficult, but we still have to stay strong especially when you are married and have children, his mother was 71 yrs old, very close to us, I miss her too, but we have to keep living.
last year I finally had it, he started missing work again, drinks himself to sleep every day, doesnt help me with the children, doesnt help clean the house, doesnt participate with the family functions, we have sex once a month, and it has to be intiated by me, and he is usually drunk which is a complete turn off, I met someone and I had a fling, it didnt mean anything to me or him, we are both married and neglected from our spouses, I am very angry at my husband for letting me carry all the weight and the burden for so long, I told him I need to take care of myself since my kidney has been giving problems, I was promoted at work and I drown myself in my job, I never want to come home, I spend my days off with my children we go on little trips together we started a skate club, I go volunteer at their schools.
recentley he missed four day of work, we are now behind on our mortgage again, and feel pure disgust for him, I want to leave I already started my plans, I told him I need time to find myself and see what I want in our life, and he told me we have no problems, that the problems are our kids who need too much dicipline, and require too much responsibility,
my older daughter is the one who is in charge when I am at work, she cooks for him, makes his lunch, makes sure he is woken up at the right time to get to work.
isnt that great??? no worries, someone cooks, cleans and makes sure they are your alarm clock as well!!
and when I tell him this he denies it all.
I think if I stay my kids will be damaged if they are not already damaged from this, all we do is argue when we are together, we disagree about everything, and if I dont check if his pills are due for a refill he wont refill them himself, I feel like a slave to him, and I now am going to be 41 and I feel like I deserve some happiness in my life as well as my children, I am basically already alone so what more will it hurt to just move out??? I am afraid that he will hurt himself and not be able to deal with it, am I being a coward? am I being a bad mother? for letting my kids see their dad drunk every day and unable to deal with life?
I am tired of always being in charge!!
I dont think that anyone has ever cooked for me or done anything for me ever!! it is weird when I have gone out with my friends and a male friend will open a door for me or bring me a drink, I feel bad when someone does that for me..
I think I am blind to reality,i asked him to go to counseling and he said no, I work in law enforcement, my whole family does, we have free counseling, he refuses to go, he blames our problems, on our kids and my job.
he says he is perfect.
can some please advise me on what I should do...I feel so guilty and angry at the same time.

Jennifer's comments are the most ridiculous I have ever heard. She is a PRIME candidate for a classic, godly, and christian divorce. In my opinion, EVERY mother is a SINGLE mother, most just haven't gone through it yet. You don't have to be divorced or separated to be a single married mother, you just have to keep your blinders firmly in place. Eleven years? ROFL

Hey ladies,,advice needed, or maybe a slap, or maybe some validation. I have been married four years. When he and I met he was separated and had two children. Now six years later I am a stay at home mother of my (and his) son and his two boys from the first marraige. I have always had a job or two or three for that matter. We seperated for two months a few months ago and after living with my mother for a bit I ran back to him full speed. Now we are in the worst possible financial situation and I am feeling like a housewife of the 1950's. My confusion comes in where I cannot decide if hating this life is reason to not be happy in my marraige. My husband works and is a fairly good father but I feel like a single mother of three and he simply provides the money we all survive on (barely). How do I decide? Should I start to develop a life outside, taking care of me. Or should I let my gut feeling rule, that I came back to quickly?? Help

I don't know where to begin......I met him when I was 19, he was 20. Married at 21 and 22 and still married now for the last 14 years. I've only just realized that I haven't been "in love" with him for the last seven years. I feel like his caregiver or mother rather than a wife. I do everything at home, and everything for him except chew his food and wipe his butt. I don't know what makes me feel worse, being mad at him for using me and manipulating me or allowing myself to fall into this trap.

He is one of the laziest people that I've ever known, so much so that we are facing bankruptcy now because a couple years back he decided that he was tired of working and laid out from work all the time. Now our finances are in ruins from paying for personal loans and credit cards. We lived on credit cards for about a year and have nothing to show for it. I had to use credit cards for groceries and gas money. What's worse is putting up with his little demands and criticism all the time. I'm sick of it all. He's paranoid and hates everyone. He doesn't like for me to have friendships outside of our marriage, he says that they cause problems. He gets mad at me when I get sick and can't get out of bed. He will not take care of me when I am sick. And, if I'm not able to pick up after him, he gets our oldest son to do everything for him. He gets home from work and sits on the couch until time for bed all the while letting me or our oldest son wait on him for everything. When he's off from work, he stays up all night either playing a stupid computer game or looks at porn on the internet, then comes to bed when I'm getting up and sleeps all day. It's the same thing, week after week, and I'm not getting younger. I'm just realizing that there could be much more to life.

I have to say in his defense, he doesn't drink or do drugs and he's always home, never out with anyone else. But, he's very critical of everything. Always driving me crazy about the house being a mess.....we have three boys. For the last three weeks, I have cooked every night, does he eat with us? No. He stops by a restaurant before coming home from work. He stoops to name-calling when he's mad at me. He has pushed me aroung for years, yet he doesn't see that as physical abuse. He's slapped me only once years ago, after I slapped him more than a few times, so he doesn't resort to that. But grabbing someone by the arms and pushing them around is still abuse, is it not?

I keep hoping that things will get better. But lately, I find myself fantasizing about being by myself, with my kids of course. Just being completely free to do what I want when I want. I couldn't imagine ever getting married again. I figure if I ever got lonely I was just date, but never for any length of time and never have any deep feelings involved. I've been hiding behind my own limitations for so many years because I'm afraid of discovering my true feelings on the matter. But, If can be completely honest with myself, I have not been truly happy in a very long time. I love my children and do not regret them. I don't even regret the first few years of my life with him. But, I'm a point in my life where I'm beginning to ask myself if this is something I want for the rest of my life? I feel like I'm the only one that grew up and handled responsibilities as they came my way. I know I can take care of myself, I've been taking care of 4 other people and myself for years. I guess the financial side of being alone scares the hell out of me. And, the feeling of failure. I don't want to be another statistic, but at the same time I don't want to be anyone's door mat to step on anymore. I've told him how I feel many times. He'll say he's sorry, promises to change, does really well for a couple of weeks, then he's back to his old ways and habits. And, I'm left let down yet again, feeling mad at myself for believing his crap, all the while slowly simmering with regret, anger, resentment and other feelings of that nature. And then I slip back into how I'm supposed to act around him until one day many months later I find myself battling depression, feelings of hopelessness, too much of a coward to take my life back and into my own hands. I feel trapped.

Anyway, sorry for the sob story. I've only begun r