You don't forget. And you don't forgive. You forge ahead, and past, the cheater. He is not worthy of a committed, loving, faithful, faith-filled, affectionate, attentive, interested, interesting, ethical, intelligent, sensual, sensitive, grown-up human being or relationship. Let him have his slut(s) - because that's what you call a woman who sleeps with another woman's husband. You're better off. Move on.
Oh, and if it sounds like I'm speaking from personal experience, it's because I am.
Meg in St. Louis

We are being desensitized to the real consequences of infidelity by the media's frequent portrayal of it as a harmless, sexy diversion. Many times it's used as a topic for comedy.

Flirting and emotional cheating are practically "givens"...a sentiment expressed by Brian Alexander during your discussion on The Today Show. Thank you, Dr. Saltz for pointing out to him the repercussions of such a belief.

One of the best things about Tiki Barber's coming to The Today Show is that he presents himself as a solid family man...one who is not looking for flattery through flirting...one who will focus on inspirational stories rather than relying on salacious content.

Let's hope that his image won't be tarnished by others who seem to think that the only way to express comradery is through verbal and physical flirting...with those other than their spouses.

Many are looking forward to more family-friendly fare on The Today Show. Kids are watching morning programs and need to see positive role models.

After the initial shock and anger that lasted for years, I made a decision...forgive him or not. I decided not to forgive him, but I'm still with him, we have children and I want them to have their father near. There are a lot of things that I don't like about him, but there are also a lot of things I do like. I just try not to think or deal with what I don't like. After years of heartbreak, I am letting myself be content with the little things in life. My children are my world and my husband has become a friend and when he is not, I ignore him. I'm not looking for the perfect relationship, but I still dream, wouldn't it be nice...

OMG Maria, I think we are living the same life. What you said is EXACTLY what my situation is.

Patricia,
It is sad. We just need to take care of ourselves and our children, husband too-just not as much as before. At the moment I am taking one day at a time. I wish you happiness, I am sorry that we were hurt.

The only reason women stay is the same from 40 years ago. It is for our children, our security, and to preserve personal friendships made as a couple.

One thought comes to mind regarding infidelity. Often with men, the reason infidelity ever happens is a long unfulfilled sex life. Men can be so easy to please. The 2 ways to a mans heart is through his stomach and 6 inches lower in his anatomy.
Women want security. Men want to be sexually fulfilled. Take care of your man. Put him first in bed. Then there would be alot less infidelity. Men don't need to have a bad childhood or any sexual or psychological dysfunction to stray. Just being unfulfilled with a man's #1 need will do it. Through sex, men connect emotionally. An emotionally connected man is a lot less likely to stray.Getting angry with your man after the fact, is such a shame. There was a better way available to you before the problem ever started. Infidelity is hurtful. Infidelity doesn't have to happen. Ask your husband one question. On a scale of 1 to 10, where are we? How can we get to an 8, 9 or 10? Listen, learn, be smart and basically honor your man. As we promised in our vows...

John, you talk with some experience. I agree with what you have said! You have hit the nail on the head, brother.

So John sex is the answer eh? What about the man meeting the womans needs? You say men connect emotionally when they are sexually taken care of? No John they are being taken care of sexually. Men are so limited in the emotional department. It takes two to make it work, and i don't believe that sex is the only answer so a man will not stray or a woman for that matter. Yeah take care of your man and everything will be just fine! LOL Are you kidding me?

I am amazed by the comments about women meeting the needs of men sexually by implying that keeping men satisfied in the bedroom, they won't stray. What about the emotional straying that happens before the affair? Ladies #1 need is emotional closeness, and with that comes the physical. So, if the couple loses the emotional connection, the woman should be the one to "keep her man happy"? I hope women have evolved past the 'good ole boy days'. Affairs are symptoms of a relationship in disrepair. It takes two to pay attention outside of the bedroom, and not expect the woman to fix it alone by "keeping her man happy".

hi im ina relationship with a guy who's my jrhighschool and highschool sweetheart and we have 4 kids and theyre grown now and when he and i first met there wasnt any thing he wouldnt do to plesae me and now it seems as though i practly have to beg to get him to take me places and to do whatever else that needs to be done to save our sagging relation ship im at my whits end on trying to please him we use to go out when we were younger now all we ever do is the wild thing and stay at home hes cheated on me nummorous times with other woman but yet he refuses to let go of either parties (he wonts his cake and eat it to )ive asked for us to seperate but hes so stuborn he wont here of it ive com to the conclusion of may be one day just leaving him . sign sheryl jones

OMG! Men do have emotional needs! John you couldn't be MORE wrong. That is the biggest thing in my relationship. My husband will tell you that! Men need a safe place to fall, emotionally. And Maria, think of the example you are setting for your children by staying in a relationship without love! You are cheating your children. They will not know how to give or receive love as an adult. Which is worse, seeing dad on the weekend or not being able to form healthy relationships?

I am in an 18 year marriage. I have done all that I could to show my husband how much I love and care for him. In and out of the bedroom. He has not touched me for a year. Seems the porn on the computer has taken my place. To me that is infidelity. It takes two to keep a marriage healthy. When one stops working with the other you know it's at the end. So get out and don't put yourself or your children through the pain for years.

John is being honest and it's up to us if we want to believe it or not. I adored my husband in the beginning of our marriage and I did my best to fulfill my traditional role as a wife. He was simply not satisfied, I really don't think I could have done more. He needed his space, his freedom and not the same soup everyday (me). Excuse me for being so blunt, it is how they say it in Italy.
Vicki, believe it or not, I still love him and he loves me. I know because he is considerate of me. The children love their father, they love me...and though we have been through bad times, we are still together and they are serene, happy and healthy. It is me who has been disappointed. The children need to see their mother happy most of the time and so I try to be. It has been seven years since my husbands lover called me. If it happens again, I will just let him go.

Debbie, have you told your husband that it upsets you that he is watching porn. I don't know what to say. I hope that you two could share your feelings with one another. I also think that you must be a very loving person and deserve to be loved.

John is absolutely correct. Like it or not, men's and women's needs, both physically and emotionally, are gentically different. Men need sex first as a prerequisite for intimacy. Women require security and intimacy as a prerequisite to good sex. The day my wife stopped wearing sexy lingerie to bed was the day I stopped feeling loved. I know it sounds absurd; however, that is a man's reality which is truly difficult to escape.

Here's one for you, I'm a man who invested 5 years into a relationship and had my wife cheat on me (I never cheated on her). Embarrassing, humilating and all those other feelings. I've looked inward and accept my responsibility towards our problems, I see the mistakes I made and I've dealt with the feelings and I've moved on.

I will say this, marriage is a two way street. It required very good communication and a willingness to listen. If you can't be 'best friends' in addition to lovers, then it isn't going to make it. I'm a decent looking guy, I don't have a problem getting dates, but making another commitment is going to be very, very difficult.

So, to all you men and women, it's a male/female thing. It takes two to tango, it takes a lot of will power in today's "trade up" society to remain faithful, and unfortunately, I'm not sure with the media pressures that it's even possible anymore. =(

Best of luck to all of you,

Yo!

Some of you people have truly scary ideas. "Satisfy your man and he won't stray"..."I just try not to deal with or think about what I don't like"... pathetic! So if your daughter grows up to marry a child molester, she should "try not to deal with or think about" it?? Are you nuts?
And to every one of you who says a man won't stray when he's being "taken care of" at home - you could not be more wrong. I was waaayyyyy better in bed than my soon-to-be-ex - taught HIM plenty, and at first, he enjoyed learning new things. Then came laughing in my face when I tried to initiate sex. Next came excuses for why he "couldn't" perform physically. Then came the "masturbation kit" in the suitcase (he's a travelling salesman). Then came the very-nearly-child-porn. Last straw? The slut from his work, which he made so easy for me to use in the divorce.
Infidelity is a character flaw, pure and simple. Vows to love, honor and cherish work both ways, honey. I did my part. He simply has revealed his true character.

Meg,

I sympathize with you and unfortunately hear your bitterness. I do not believe that anyone here has advocated staying with the wrong partner, whether they be husband or wife. Rather that if a woman has married a good partner his sexuality must be given some attention or even a good man may stray in time. Infidelity may be a character flaw in some; however, may also manifest from pure neglect. Some women simply stop having sex with their husbands after a number of years for a variety of reasons; menopause, low libido, etc. They feel that there is too much at stake in the marraige, such as children, properties, etc, for the man to leave even if his needs are not met. They are sometimes correct and affairs are often the consequence. On the other hand, women tend to have affairs when their financial or emotional needs are not met. Neither are right in doing so; however, there is a definate difference between the two sexes.

Ron, please quit trying to make excuses for your infidelity(ies). Your pathetic attempt to justify your "different needs" by saying that your wife stopped wearing sexy lingerie is just that - a pathetic attempt. And, yes, Maria, Patricia, Sheryyl, and Debbie have ALL admitted to staying with the wrong partner. There's a whole lot of whining and crying and boo-hooing going on in this column, and scant evidence of anybody just having the backbone to do the RIGHT THING - if you're that unhappy/unloved/ dissatisfied/neglected/rejected/ignored or whatever in your so-called "marriage" then either shut up and take it like the doormat you are or develope the spine to stand up for yourself. When either partner takes their time/attention/genital satisfaction out of the relationship, they don't deserve ANY other benefit from it. Period. Anything else is rationalizing and excuses. And, Ron, cheating is ALWAYS a character flaw, because there are other, ethical, ways to exit a relationship. It's called being an adult.

Meg,

I think you have a lot of built up anger. I agree with most of what you say, but you come off very harsh. I know cheating is very wrong, but it sounds like you will soak yourself in this puddle forever. It's time for you to move on and be happy.

Harsh. Honest. Po-tay-to. Po-tah-to.

After reading all of your comments I still don't know what to do. I'm going on 20 years with a man I haven't been happy with for a very long time. He claims I am his rock and he can't imagine life w/o me, yet he ignores me when he's with friends or family and talks down to me when he sees fit. When it comes to sex, we all have needs, but who wants to be with someone who doesn't respect you?! I've asked him why he even wants to have sex with me when he obviously doesn't even like me. He thinks I'm nuts. But how do you treat someone like they don't matter one day and like they're your world another? We have 2 children. I don't want to put them through a divorce. My life isn't bad, nice home, car, work pt, summers off with the kids...but what if there's someone out there who would make me feel like I am important all the time. I guess I answered my own question. Life is too short and I have a lot of years left, I hope. I want to be with someone who respects me. I want to show my kids what love really looks like.

P.S. I've never cheated but have been tempted. Sometimes it feels like it would be worth it. However, I'm not so naieve (sp?) that I think that just because someone has sex with you they are your prince charming and I'm sure not willing to make my situation worse. I don't think he's cheated but you never know for sure do you?

Sammy,

That is called emotional abuse. Tell him to clean up his act or you and your kids are out of there. You should not have to take that and your kids should not see that it is ok. You don't want them to have that kind of relationship when they start dating.

Sammy,

That is called emotional abuse. Tell him to clean up his act or you and your kids are out of there. You should not have to take that and your kids should not see that it is ok. You don't want them to have that kind of relationship when they start dating.

Every situation is different. I was married 10 years to a serial cheater. i always stayed in shape (yes & had 2 kids), always loved sex, going out, would make breakfast in ligerie & heels, new poistions, stuff, etc. He admitted after we split the cheating had nothing 2do with me or his being unhappy with us. IT WAS A LIFE LONG PROBLEM OF HIS. Now 4 years later, we're friends. i watch him do the same thing to some he cheated on me with, along with all the new ones. I was blessed by getting out when i did. Ladies & Gentelmen - Please, please, please NEVER SETTLE. Good luck

"Women want security. Men want to be sexually fulfilled. Take care of your man. Put him first in bed. Then there would be alot less infidelity. Listen, learn, be smart and basically honor your man. As we promised in our vows..."
- John

Here's a tip Johnny... start respecting your wife or girlfriend or she'll walk out. Women can take care of themselves now, we're pulling in good salaries and are much more independant than we were 50 years ago. Welcome to the new millenium!

Ask yourself this... are you really worth the emotional effort? Why exactly do we need to "keep you fulfilled" when you're probably not meeting our needs either, and from the sounds of it, have no interest in meeting them.

Ladies, don't settle. We have no reason to. If he's not making as much effort as you are, get rid of him.

Meg,
Just for the record I have not been unfaithful to my wife even though the opportunities and temptations have been there. We have a wonderful marraige outside of our sex life which was great until menopause. Sex has come to almost a complete hault for the past 2 years. My wife is a good partner and my best friend whom I love dearly. We share many of the same hopes and dreams and have been successful together in countless ways. Life is more complicated than you make it out to be...and your comments appear to be a far cry from "adult."

Actually, Ron, I think Meg's comments are spot on.

"Cheating is ALWAYS a character flaw, because there are other, ethical, ways to exit a relationship. It's called being an adult." - Meg

Ron can you please explain to me how what Meg said there was "not adult"? Because I'm under the impression that adults have impulse control and a sense of integrity. Adults don't lie and sneak around behind their partner's back. They deal with situations by finding ways to improve them, or exiting them without causing their partners needless emotional grief and pain that can last years.

I cannot believe some of the responses I am hearing from everyone! So many of you are bitter and understandably so, and others have such a high demoralization of cheating because it has never happened to you. I am in the latter category. My husband of ten years (three kids later) has never cheated. I snagged a good one. No, I do not believe it is about keeping a man satisfied in bed, I was virtually a newcomer when I met my soon to be husband. My husband on the other hand was well versed. Relationships change, bodies change and the everyday life take a toll on relationships. Right now we are going through something of our own. My husband works 5am-9pm M-Sat, I raise the three children, substitute teach, take my last class of my masters, and also try to complete my masters practicum, oh by the way, my husband is finishing his masters too. Little time for each other. Lately I have felt overwhelmed and cry all the time out of loneliness, but my salvation? Going to bed and hearing him breath next to me.

In my case, my husband is accusing me of having an affair, when actually I'm just retrieving my identity. I am exercising, learning to play an instrument and enjoying life after yrs of being controlled by my husband. The
"affair" is with myself, not another man. So these guidelines are misleading.

Wonderful for you, disappointing for your husband. These are the things that empower a wife and woman, not the controlling attitude of a man. I can see why your husband thinks you are cheating... you feel better about yourself because you are doing something for yourself and not for him. Continue to have your "affair. By retrieving your identity it just might revive some interest. Just leave him some revealing underwear around your violin. Or tell him I have been practicing with an instrument, may I practice with yours?
Enjoy
L

men and women are diferent. fact.

some times the way to something is the very thing you resist.

income or gender status is false security. and worth little when its all said and done.

people will forget what you said,people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou

M, what the hell is "gender status"??

In a nut shell, my husband and I have been together 13 years, had a strong marriage until he transfered jobs to a different location in our area. He started coming home later and later, I found out that he and his plan assistant have been playing butt smacking every now and then in the office and they go to lunch every day together. He always remembers here on her birthday and every holiday as well. She has a husband and he also works for the company Sub-Contractor. He is in and out of the office. They have been married for 6 years. My question is this to all men and women out there. Does this mean he has cheated??? After a year of badgering him about this he has asked for a divorce and has been spending more time with her and her husband on weekends and after work.
Both she and her husband are big "Pot" somkers, something that my husband use to do many years before he met me. She and her husband have no problem doing it infront of my kids ages 17, 16 and 5 and my husband doesn't think I should be mad about it!

I understand that you find the "just please your man in bed" model insulting and oversimplified. I agree. But, don't overlook the truth that some men have shared in their posts: men do have a real emotional and physical need for sex. Yes, you can be gorgeous, sexy, faithful, and cater to his every need, and he may still cheat on you. That is not fair or right. But, for those of us men who are trying hard to have healthy relationships, to set good examples for our children, and to be loving, supportive husbands, sex with our wives is very important to us. Even with everything else right, a lagging sex life leaves us feeling incomplete and insecure. It is not the woman's "job" to please the man, but it is an equal partnership. Just because the sex is not as new and exciting or if he isn't the Adonis you married 10 years ago or if you're just too tired, he still needs your love, physically and emotionally. If you are not willing to put forth the effort, he has no license to cheat, but your relationship will suffer.

As another married man of 3 years, I'll second JB's comment.

Meg and Brette:

Correct on all counts...Noone gets to determine our self worth.....but ourselves...who cares if Meg is pissed, she has a right to be...she is alot healthier in her anger and resentment because she is being honest and not "being the nice girl" or "being polite" when she is ready to "move on" she will, and Brette...hoorah for you for defending Meg's and every other person's right to be hurt, annoyed or whatever emotion that shows up....especially when they have been betrayed...and I agree.... exuses for staying together does the kids more harm than good...yikes..kids know what is going on with their parents...way bad example... I do agree...as an adult, they have a responsibility to their children to Do the Right Thing... show them that there are consequences to unacceptable behaviour... Meg,you are just fine... be as pissed as you want to be you will eventually stop being pissed and make room for another love but this time a guy who deserves you.
V

You can cut the petty bitterness with a knife in these comments. Reading what some of you wrote and how you come across goes a long way to explaining why your spouse cheated and left your hateful, bitter carcass for another! I know if I was the unfortunate soul stuck with harpies like this that I would do everything I could to get away. And by the way, you ladies who want to ignore your man in bed do so at your marriages peril. Sorry, but if he aint getting it at home he is going to go elsewhere, and only a moron would believe otherwise. That doesn't mean you should be some brainlessly subservient stepford wife, or cater to his every whim, but, if you truly love your spouse you will want to please them...if you don't, then get some counseling because you need it. And pleasing your spouse goes both ways, so don't think that I am advocating some type of mysogonistic position here: just one of mutual respect and affection. My wife and I have been happily married 21 years and our sex life is great, so we don't stray.

If u want a good marriage, u need to be open and honest about your sexual needs, emtional needs and spirtual needs. A lso talking with your spouse about what your sexual desires are will only enhance your sex life. to all women out there, MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT! Each gender is looking for something out of the relationship that they are in. If you can not agree on the needs of the person from the begining or cANNOT COMPROMISE, you should not get involved with the person in the first place.

Honestly I think anyone who cheats male or female is a LOSER. If you cant be honest about "yourself" then you are weak and that is a very sad thing to be. By the way I have not experienced being cheated on or ever cheated in a relationship...i know too many that have and do cheat...its sad, no self respect, no respect period.

Symbiont Thank you for your comment! I think that its important for couples to understand that "sex" mutual understanding of eachothers needs is crucial. You are an example that a relationship can work out beautifully (21 years awesome!) So women out there HAVE SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND!! Its one of the greatest gifts we have! And that goes for HUSBANDS TOO, HAVE SEX WITH YOUR WIFE! Make it fun!!!

I am involved with a married man who is not being emotionally or physically taken care of by his wife - yet he loves her and does not want to leave her or the children - in other words he is in a committed relationship without the intimacy of which I provide. I do not want nor need him to leave his wife for me - I simply enjoy the time we spend together and the closeness we share. Men are wired for sex and it is how they were created - to go forth and populate the earth - women were created to be nuturing. I am the product of a divorce wherein my husband cheated. Looking back I can see where emotionally and physically I let him down so I share in the blame for the marriage failing. I can see it from both sides now and think I am the better for it. I hope others realize that open communication in any relationship is the key to happiness and sex is just a bonus.

I hear all of you. Unfortuantely it doesn't help me now. I gave it all and then some, yet he cheated anyway. He said it was just sex and he didn't love her, yet during that whole time we were getting it on royally sometimes even after he came home late from being with her. I only now realise this since she made contact with me. Aparently he lost interest in her and she turned her anger on me. It got so bad that I had to take out a restraining order against her. She threatened "to have me fixed and raise my kids as her own". My husband and I are trying to renew our relationship and still have sex that is positively over the top but he can't seem to explain why he strayed. Now, I am in therapy as my mood shifts each time I remember. It would help if I knew what he/I lacked to cause this deficit in his character.

Kit-do you not realize that you are the same type of woman who your husband slept with? You are technically doing the same thing, and for your justification of why your husband cheated. You feel that you have the right because you were cheated on. What about the other woman who you have taken her husband? She feels like you. Why complete the cycle. You are better than that, everyone is. Do not become the person who ruined your marriage.

My man cheated on me for the 5 years we were together with about 20 women. I found out because one of his girlfriends called me, she wanted me to find out so I would dump him and he would be hers. The opposite happened, when I found out and he realized he had lost me, he spent a year begging me back and trying to prove he'd changed. He claimed that I was never really there for him and that's why he did it. Now, I'm an educated women with a decent amount of self esteem and I do not accept any of it. He had a choice, he just never gave me one. There is no excuse for the hurt that betrayal causes and quite frankly the only reason people cheat instead of exiting a relationship is they think they can have both. If someone truly loves you, they wouldn't do it, period. They would put that effort into fixing the relationship that they seem to find so easily to date another. I don't blame the other women, I blame him. It's over and yes it's hard because I did really love him but I love myself way, way more.

Oh and by the way, for those of you wondering how someone could cheat that much and the other person not know. The signs were there, I accept my responsibility. I guess I knew the whole time. I challenged him constantly and he looked me in the eye and lied and me? I wanted to believe so persuaded myself I was wrong this time. Ladies, Gents, don't do it to yourself. Better to face the truth, move on and up to a better life that you deserve :)

my wife cheated on me five years ago, I left and after six months she had a nervous breakdown and her and the rest of my family begged me to take her back after some time at counseling, I did. It was good for a while, we did things together and had a loving relationship and I started to trust her. Then she became distant. When I would ask her to go out to eat, walk with me, she would decline. She began another affair and I left. We are divorcing and I am devasted.

we both r 20..its our first love,its been 15months,we are emotionally very close...but sometimes i feel jealous and insecure even thugh i know he loves me alot...i know hes committed 2 me but these movies,soaps...make it difficult to trust anyone..i feel i will loose him at some point in life, what if somebody steals him away from me,he gets attracted to some1 as a 1 night stand or a serious affair...it makes me feel that every friend of his whose a girl is a slut.
Y m i so insecure?
i had a nice childhood n everythin.....but m 2 scare 2 loose him....
but m strong enough 2 move on if it ever happens......but i dont want it 2 ever happen....
i think i am paranoid yet i feel m normal.....help....

Kit - just because he is not being taken care of by his wife, what makes you his therapist? You have no right to share intimacy and closeness with this man. I feel sick to my stomach when I read that; the thought of my boyfriend being intimate and close to another woman. That is my right! Not hers! And likewise that is his wifes right! Not yours! How dare you justify your actions like that? What's more bizarre is you have been cheated on yourself. Are you experiencing some sort of misplaced power trip by turning the tables and becoming the other woman? Have a think about it.
Kit you are not a marriage therapist, you are a symptom of his marriage and nothing more. I have very strong opinions of women who cheat with married or taken men and they are not positive! I believe you have self esteem issues and your behaviour is totally out of order - how dare you?! Life is complicated but relationships have to be approached cerebrally and black and white or chaos would reign more. Affairs are choices, not accidents.

Jenny, you are right, what the heck is kit thinking. You also really do not know if his wife is neglecting him, cheaters usually lie to get what they want.

I have always given my husband everything. Sex was not an issue,I have never denied him anything. I let myself go though and got really overweight. He sought help through a friend of mine and she took advantage of that. I was on medications for depression that weren't working and had some bad side effects. He would go to her about them (she is a nurse), but instead of her telling me that I needed to change the medication she was coming on to him. Anyway I eventually found out. I have lost 100 lbs now and we are working on rebuilding our marriage. Now she won't go away. So tell me what do I do now. He isn't responding to her but she just won't disappear. I have dealt with my anger with him and we spent a lot of time talking and working through both of our mistakes. I however can not get past my anger with her.

My wife cheated on me with her boss. She always said she was "working late" and left me at home to watch our 6 kids, the youngest of which was 2. We are divorcing now, and, I am getting all the kids paternity tested as she admitted to me that she didnt know for sure who the father was of the 2 year old. What's really sad is that she doesnt want custody of the kids either. When we got married 14 years ago I never thought I would be a candidate for the Jerry Springer show. This hurts like nothing I have ever had to deal with. It is like someone died, and I have this huge emptiness inside me.

to "call me loser" - I can empathise with your hurt and humilation. It will continue to hurt with every memory but it will heal overtime. In the meantime count your blessings. You have six beautiful kids that loves you and need you to focus and to rise above this situation. Unfortunately your soon to be ex wife must certainly have lost her mind. I pray that for the sake of the kids she will at least start acting responsibly.

I got involved in a casual relationship with a man. Neither of us wanted a long-term relationship. Just have some fun. I thought everything was fine. But a few weeks into it, I found out he was married. He says he is planning on leaving his wife, says they are just roommates, etc. I certainly feel bad finding this out, but I am involved now and don't feel like I can just stop this relationship. The other thing is that he has admitted to me that he has had affairs previously (that his wife found out about) so it would appear that this is a pattern for him. So I guess I feel that if it weren't me, he'd be doing this with someone else. I'm not wanting him to leave her or whatever. I have no desire to be married to him. For me, this whole relationship is just to have a fun time for awhile. And I was fine with it until I learned this fact about his marital status. So now I'm torn as what to do.

Confused: Why would you risk your heart to such a louse. Yes, you want to have fun but what if.... Be sensible do you really want to help this man betray his wife... it's his pattern. why would you want to be a part of it. Your confusion will only worsen if he 'steals' your heart

Confused,
I know it is hard because you are emotionally attached to this man but remember if he can tell stories to you, he will, WILL tell stories to others. Lots of men tell perspective women that their marriage is over, but unfortunately the women in the relationship has no clue. It is a line that many men use to lure women in.

Arranged marriages oftentimes cause these types of problems.

Bruce

I have been married for 9 years.My health suffered from my pregnancy and my child is special needs.To say the least our marriage is strained. My husband lost interest in sex a few years ago,mabey 1 time a month. Recently I found a good doctor who knew how to treat me and I lost 20 lbs, I have energy,and have gotten involved in activities I used to love. My husband was cold and didn't seem to want me around so,I would find things to do. I found myself shocked when men found me attractive.I,although protesting several times,find myself in what seems to be an emotional affair. I have tried to break it off several times but we have so much fun together.I have confided in my husband and he is trying to make it work.My hesitation is that if I allow myself to love him again he'll start neglecting me again.I talked to him about divorce because I think if I have feelings for someone else it is over?Any advise

Dear LF,
I have been married for 10 years and this too is a stressful time. You are no longer newlyweds and not exactly comfortable, especially if you have one special needs child. That is stressful enough, and it is not your fault. My husband and I went through a similar problem when we lost our third child at birth 4 years ago. We have since had one more, but to this day it is a sensitive subject. Everyone involved, especially the prospective parent feels that is is their fault and stress becomes a major contender. Maybe your husband thinks this could have been his fault. God doesn't place it that way. Remember, God gives you the challenges that he thinks you can handle. Maybe not now, but eventually. Maybe your husband feels like it is his fault for your special needs child (not) and he doesn't want to repeat history so he fears intimacy and reproduction with you. Do not give up. You both have been sidetracked from your perfect life. Do not cheat at any point. Really talk to him!

Dear LF,
I have been married for 10 years and this too is a stressful time. You are no longer newlyweds and not exactly comfortable, especially if you have one special needs child. That is stressful enough, and it is not your fault. My husband and I went through a similar problem when we lost our third child at birth 4 years ago. We have since had one more, but to this day it is a sensitive subject. Everyone involved, especially the prospective parent feels that is is their fault and stress becomes a major contender. Maybe your husband thinks this could have been his fault. God doesn't place it that way. Remember, God gives you the challenges that he thinks you can handle. Maybe not now, but eventually. Maybe your husband feels like it is his fault for your special needs child (not) and he doesn't want to repeat history so he fears intimacy and reproduction with you. Do not give up. You both have been sidetracked from your perfect life. Do not cheat at any point. Really talk to him!

I lost interest in sex years ago because my husband showed me no affection. I begged him for affection all he wanted was the sex. When I did sleep with him it was never enough and he critized every thing I did even how I kissed. He cheated and left me for another woman and I can't believe he is not treating her the same way. I was married to a narsissist. I used to tell him treat me the way I see you treat strangers and I will be happy. I hate it what men say all you have to do is give us sex and we will be happy. Well maybe sex would happen more if you stopped treating your wives like second class citizens and expecting them to be your mommy and not your wife. It means sometimes putting her needs first and thinking about how you could make her happy. Being kind and offering compliments and helping around the house
make us feel loved by you.

It has been 27 years sinse my wife's affair and I have NEVER trusted her since. Not a day goes by that I don't think of it. If it was not for my two young boys on November 20, 1980 I would have pulled the trigger. They were having sex and the position they were in... one shot from my Beretta 40 cal. would have taken them both out. My boys are grown men now, however no matter what she thinks our relationship will NEVER be what she thinks it is now. never will I trust anotner woman.

Your boys are all grown up now, Butch...no need to stay in that abusive relationship for their sake any more, so get out for your own happiness and live again! I would rather be alone than together with a cheater, and once a cheater always a cheater (I should know, as I too know the hurt and sting of an unfaithful spouse)...how many times do you think she has done it and never been caught? Dont allow yourself to be blinded...it's time to move on my friend.

Congratulations for being the better man. Her guilt might be just as bad as your anger. However, besides the boys, what made you stick around? There had to be hope or love, and I know there was hurt. 27 years is a long time to hold on to hurt and anger. You have stayed this long, why not stay to really work on it. If the boys are men and gone, it is now your time. Work on yourself and repairing the marriage. I am not saying that you will forget, but you can forgive. You have stayed this long, at least try.

Wow 27 years and it still pains and angers you so much Butch? I only just found out although I was suspicious that my husband has been cheating . I only found out about this one because she kept calling my private cell seeking to know where he his. Apparently he had ended the affair without telling her so clearly. In the end she text me nasty messages and emails, and threatened to have me killed since i was causing him so much stress. The fact is I had always told him that if he felt unhappy then it was okay for us to go our separate ways. The humilation I live through every day. Still have nightmares. She still trying to get back with him. He claims he made a mistake and want us to work so I should forgive him and move on. AFter reading yours, Will I truly never forget. If not I would much rather we move on with someone else than continue to feel so much pain.

I just heard an "expert" on the Today Show say that affairs happen often times because your sex life isn't what it used to be. I no longer have the desire I had almost 40 years ago. It happens folks. I've discussed it with my doctor and all she can say is that she hears that from women all the time. No one wants to have "the urge" again more than I do. I've tried testosterone therapy which worked suprisingly well but only for a short time. Men need viagra and/or cialis, etc. When is science going to come up with something for women? IT'S NOT FAIR!!!

Butch,I hear ya and know the hurt of having the visual in your head forever,I threw him out ,and then went into a deep depression,sex between us was great,we had just had sex,and when I got up and left for work,he got up and went to see the town whore,then when I got home from work,he wasnt there,and I knew in my gut he would be at his best friends new digs,which was a camper since his old lady threw him out when she caught him,walked right in,he was on the downstroke,he broke something in my heart I dont know will ever be fixed,this was December 26.I have forgiven him and we are trying,after much pleading from him it will never happen again,and from now on nothing but the truth,etc,etc,and he hasnt really lied ,he just dosnt tell me stuff unless I ask him directly what I want to know,not sure I'll ever be able to trust him again,I mean,I thought and so did everybody else we had a great realtionship,boy what a suprise,and like I said he broke something that so far hasnt came back,more than the trust,but I cant put a name to the feeling.I do still love him,but nothing like I did and I told him I dont know if this will work out or not,and I cant give him a time frame,I just dont know.Oh and the real kicker is the town whore just had a baby,I want him to find out if it is his,he wants to ignore the whole thing,said it's her boyfriends,and Im like yea well if it's not,and they wanna run a DNA years down the road,your into some big bucks on child support.And I know I couldnt handle that,if we did work it out then he gets sued for back child support.Im just glad I didnt have a gun,but I was in so much shock,I doubt if I woulda hit either of them.I think now he's waiting for me to pay him back,I fiqure what goes around ,comes around.

Well, I have read many of your comments and I would like to share a few of my experiences. My husband and I have a very strong relationship, that is not without its turbulance. However, despite our past, I will also state it is one of the most committed out there. When I say 'committed' I don't necessarily mean fidelity....I mean we are committed to making it work. I won't bore you with the trist, but lets just say we've been there and done that.

How did we survive? The same as we always have...we are friends, the best of friends. Ladies: how would you treat your girlfriends / sisters? Guys: how would you treat your hunting / golfing buddies? Whatever your response, you should provide you spouse with at minimum, the same level of comfort and companionship. In our case, We always say, "i love you"...when we get off the phone, when we go to the store, when we go to sleep, across the dinner table, over coffee...always. We tell each other they are sexy, even when we have put on 20lbs. We flirt all the time...see what happens when you pinch him on the butt. Guys, tell her she has the most gorgerous eyes in the sunlight. We share together, fears, ambition, desire, gossip, laughter. We listen to each other, and try to correct anything that is a silly argument waiting to happen. Fights over garbage and laundry are a waste of time and energy. And sex....find a way that both of you can connect. If he likes oral pleasure, ladies do it...if she likes massages, guys, bring out the lotion. Don't be afraid to try new thigs in the bedroom...role play, pretend either one of you is a virgin and the other has to teach. Don't be embarrassed, this is your spouse, you stood before many and pledged your love.

And, if cheating has occurred or might occur, its painful, but you can get through it IF you are both committed to making it work. Unfortunately, many are not willing to recreate Trust, and that is a choice you will have to make. Remember: somebody has to make the decsion to make it work....just as somebody has to make the decision to not make it work.

Good luck, and I hope you can find love again.