Our daughter has attended Interlochen Arts Academy as a flute major for the past two years. She is ranked the second best flute player at this highly selective school. She applied to 11 conservatories and has received rejections from all but two. San Francisco wait listed and Peabody has not heard from yet. She calls home in tears often saying she "sucks" at playing the flute. She feels she is not good at anything any more. She is looking into Liberal Arts schools with rolling admissions now as a back up plan, but we are worried she will get rejections there as well and really be devastated. She is a great person, well liked, talented, beautiful, and charming so why does she feel so down.

What can parents do to get these wonderful young people to appreciate who they are?

In my opinion, private liberal arts schools are the best place for those who desire a real college education. However, if you come from a state like Ohio. The hard work, money and other effort you put in, will likely be trammeled on and ruined, if your child later decides to go to a state run school, that fails to place quality control at the top of its list. Therefore, I would suggest you choose wisely, because in Ohio, rape is the prefered method of raising state run schools U.S. News and World Report Ratings. (ie: State philosophy = send me a good female student, we'll take her money, rape her, and try to beat her into being a house wife.) If she is a house wife, she isn't looking for a job, and our school looks like it has better employment ratings.

How much of this problem is related to the word "exclusive"?

Exclusivity is seen as the key to success and happiness.

Clothes must come from exclusive stores.

Shoes must be by exclusive designers.

Journalists' reports are exclusives.

Cars must be exclusive brands.

Countertops must be exclusive granite.

Neighborhoods are exclusive.

Clubs are exclusive.

Parties are exclusive.

Cliques are exclusive.

Play groups are exclusive.

Preschools are exclusive.

Colleges are exclusive.

Why wouldn't our children absorb the quest for exclusivity? They see it on television, in magazines, in movies, in life.

Exclusivity excludes. Feeling "not good enough" can fuel depression and cause teens to mug and murder for shoes.

We need to step back and analyze the messages we're sending to kids. Are we missing the rainbow while rushing toward the pot of gold? Have we all become versions of greedy King Midas? Are we finding that the pot is filled with cold gold and not fulfillment?

Eating disorders are often a flight or fight response to financial control exercised over women. (ie: Some women don't want to have to sleep with someone, in order to make enough money to support themselves and/or feed themselves.) Therefore, fight = some may rather starve than be forced into sexual relationships of financial convience)

I'm a junior in high school right now. I only scored a 2100 on my SATs, I got 1 B last semester, and I'm only the leader of three clubs. That's not going to be enough to get me into Brown, and I've spent ages agonizing over how much of a failure I am. My parents try to convince me that I'm not, but it's hard - everywhere I look, I see people who are better than me. This has led to problems - I've dabbled in food restriction and self-mutilation to relieve stress. Everyone say's I'm good enough, but I can't look in the mirror and see it myself. Somewhere, my friends and I were taught to judge ourselves by others' standards, and judge everyone else by their own.

My son is a Junior in high school.
Since I can remember I have had to beg and fight his teachers and his fat counselor to have someone help me with his grades. He is a very good kid.
Never absent. Participates in class, has lots of friends. Yet the teachers flunk him over and over again because he cant get it together on tests!
When I talked to the principal the other day he told me that the teachers just did not have the time to help those kids in the middle. (the ones that are not "A" students and the ones that are in trouble)
As a mother in Indiana I can honestly say I hate our school system and you can tell how long a teacher has been at a school by how large the butt they have! Its okay that Johnny cant read, but they will pass him anyway, until Johnny gets to high school and then they act like it is such a surprise!
What happened to caring smart teachers?
Does my son have to have sex with a female teacher to get noticed?

With the "No Child Left Behind Act" students in Texas must pass the standardized TAKS test in order to graduate. Students can be honor roll students, they can be leaders in their schools, they can be wonderful students and human beings, but if they don't pass that one test, they can't graduate
with a diploma. Unfortunately, my daughter is having a difficult time passing the math portion of the test. So there is a real possibility that if she doesn't pass it, she will not be able to walk across the stage and receive her high school diploma. With a 50% drop out rate in high school across the nation, I think many students are being left behind. They must be feeling pretty hopeless with the high school pressures and the competitiveness of getting into college.Just one test should never be a determinng factor. Look at the overall picture.

To Anna: Please tell dear daughter that ALL musicians get that "throw the horn out the window" feeling. Very competitive for solo ww/brass-the conservatory experience is not for every student. This does NOT mean she is a BAD musician -just needs guid.for a better match. Arrange a private lesson with some of the many flute profs. in the midwest for guidance/potential interview/late audition. Meet the ed & therapy chairs. Ask many questions.You're surrounded by outstanding/competitive Schools of Music in your own backyard!Pls. don't dismiss these programs and others bec. they are @ public universities-THE OSU,UofM,MSU,etc.are top in the field & hv. active alumna/alumni in the U.S. serving as musicians in performance,education,collegiate ed,music therapy & music business.Late chgs. in plans/dreams are scary, but may be the best thing for that student -a chance to find a better match for her college exper.& future career as a musician. My last min.chg. to MSU was the best: musicially rewarding & life-changing.Gd.luck

We have 3 kids, one in college at University of Florida, one going to start a year in Israel next year with University of Judaism. I read these comments with concern ,as we have been fortunate enough to have had good "luck" (found at the intersection of preparation and desire)to have avoided these maladies, but I do think that the 'Japan" syndrome is going on here, except there, parents commit suicide when their kids don't get into the right grammar school. Enlisting in the Army or Peace Corps might help give the kids and parents some perspective.

I myself just entered high school and I can personally say that we are put under crazy amounts of pressure EVERY DAY from our teachers, parents, friends, coaches, and ourselves. I am taking AP and honors classes next year and I can already hear my counselors telling me it won't be good enough to get into a good college. I have to do more. I play sports for my school, am a upstanding student, have a job where I work nine hours a day on days off, and am taking advanced courses. I am only 15 years old. Does this seem crazy to you or just me?

my daughter is 10, in 5th grade, she is an A/B student, and passes her TAKS tests with flying colors. She is not in any organized sports, and spends her days after school, PLAYING with the neighborhood kids and her dog. Probably, she'll go to college somewhere near home, like I did, and do just fine in life. Good grief, people, I may not make six figures, but I have retirement funds where I want them, I have great health insurance, I love my job, I own my own home, in a nice neighborhood, and sure, life still has pressures, but it's a GOOD life. Why live a life you're too busy or stressed to enjoy? I think as a nation we need to step back and let kids be CHILDREN, not little adults. There's time enough... Slow down.

I agree with momintexas. A lot of the stress is put on by ourselves... I should know, I am an extreme perfectionist. But my parents helped me to see that as long as I try my hardest, success will follow. So I've made a concentrated effort to enjoy what I'm doing (be it school, sports, or anything else) and to drop that heavy burden of stress that weighed me down for so long. Life is too short.

All the same pressures, all the same complaints - from 15 years ago. We have extremely high standards for exclusive schools, those alumni preferred admittance schools. Life is more about overcoming disappointments than having a perfect life. But parents are so hung up on perfection they would rather help their kids cheat, do too much of their kids' homework, or bully the teacher into giving the kids A's for nothing. What we are failing is teaching kids how to be responsible and how to recover from disappointment. If your honor student, cannot pass TAKS (basic skills), the kid is not an honor student. PERIOD. That test is a joke for real honor students, a vacation from the harder classes.

I was the high achieving, high performance honor student and daughter of a Texas math teacher. I went to an excellent state school and an excellent private graduate school. School was easy, life is harder than getting A's on a test or a paper. Seriously, "perfect" will have a tough time outside of school.

i completely agree with this article.I am 17 years old and have to choose which university i want to go to in october.I have been entered in to go to Oxford and Cambridge(UK).The pressure is imense.Im expected to get straight a's but a's as in between 95% to 100% in all my exams.im also expected to have plenty of extra curricular activities achieved,written plays and books as i want to do a degree in english literature.Read hundreds of 'classics',write an exam in application process for the universities and am now being 'coached'for the insane interviews and being 'taught' how to be the perfect student,along with this i should have an active social life(how i dont know)and be the perfect daughter at home for my perfectionist workholic mother. Because of this i have anxiety attacks,am under alot strain mentally,highly stressed and am being treated for an eating disorder.So yes the pressure and expectations are ridiculus.still i strive to be 'the perfect person'because i dont want to dissapoint.I want to be normal!

Dr Gail,
My son is the polar opposite, he never fit in to the school world, and was deemed not a good fit in the first grade. He should now be a junior in high school, but has dropped out and is trying online school. He feels like he does not have a future, and to be honest right now, I understand why. We are the fallen through the cracks people. I have a good job, but bad credit, and we struggle. We need his paycheck at Mcdonalds to make ends meet. Where will my son be in ten years. It is very hard not to be suicidal and not to let the depression infect them when my own life is so bleak. What do we do about kids that don't have the perfect home life. Where do these kids go? My son and daughter are great kids, but too old to be adopted. They are not the only ones, they have friends living on their own who are bright and gifted and alone. What about them? My daughter is a B student who works a job and tries to take care of me. She is fifteen,please help me understand why I am worth more alive.

You are worth more alive, because your children need your presence. Life is very difficult, and yours especially. If you are there for them now, hopefully you will enjoy a better life later together in some way.

Despite all my achievements in school, I survived a difficult divorce, being carjacked, my brother's incarceration and his later death from cancer - all by the time I was 18. It was a very difficult time for my whole family. Oh, I was rejected by 3 out of 5 colleges too.

I cannot tell you where your son will go, but not everyone who suceeds did so because their life was perfect. In fact, sometimes it is the more difficult lives that spur us to do more later and better.

He can try adult education classes, community college, or try jobs until he finds his niche. If he can learn from his current position, he might have a brighter future than the one you currently see.

I did everything right and am still struggling. Perfect guarantees little. Please keep trying. There's so much more to life.

I understand about teen presure I just need help teaching how to be positive and how to deal with it in a positive way. I'm a stepmom and my 16 old stepdaught is most of the time being a teenager but there is many times she seems she wants to please her mom or everyone. I have notice she does not eat like she should (small portions)and it really worrys me and her dad. Her parents got devorce when she was about 2 and her dad was raising her because her mom does not want her dad in the picture and relates that to her daughter. My stepdaught wanted to go live with her mom whin she was 12 and her dad let her not that he wanted to at the time or that it might be the right thing but maybe to see the other side and to let her know her mom. We are now going throw some of the same problems he went throw in the past but this time I strongly think her mom is putting her in the middle. Making the pressure on her more than she can handle we all r in family counseling but I don't know how to help even after I gone throw myself

Dear Stephanie,

Please find something to hold onto. Find someone to help you through your depression.

Back then, I focused on school to cope with a hard life. In the end, I don't miss not going to an elite undergarduate college. I don't care what I did well or not back then. I don't care which club I was an officer or not. I don't care which school rejected me or for what reason.

What I miss is my brother who died. What I long for is what I will never get to share with him.

If I had to choose all the perfect things without him, I would choose him every time. My husband will never meet him. My future children will never know him. I can never share my life with him. I can never see his smile again. I can never even see him struggle in his own life. His life was worth more than that other stuff.

The loss of you would be worse than all the other things. Your son and daughter's lives are still beginning, and they will want you in their times of sorrow and happiness. Please be there with them.

I am shocked at how ugly some of your comments are. You talk of where are the caring teachers (I'm one) while you call the counselor fat and talk about how big their butts are?

Furthermore - I think there are valid issues to be discussed here, but when I read things like Ohio schools (I grew up there and attended O.U.) take your money, rape you, and beat you into being a housewife, I can't take you seriously. Give me a break. Victim mentality? I attended O.U. and have had a successful career in business, followed by a second career in teaching.

Also - the thing about teachers not having time for the student in the middle is a myth. Our main curriculum is designed for students in the middle. It's what we spend 90% of our time doing. The problem is that we are also responsible for helping the students on the ends of the curve. That takes more time than we have and we don't do it adequately. We need to know and help every child in the classroom and there is only so much of me to go around. I give it my all.

People who are not in the teaching profession cannot understand what it is like being a teacher. We pressure students so much to achieve because we ourselves are pressured by the No Child Left Behind Act to get students to pass tests. If we dont, our schools stand the chance of losing federal funding, making it even more difficult to do our jobs. What happens in the few minutes we have to teach after paperwork, discipline, and making sure the schools are even safe for the students to be in, we end up teaching to the middle. The students who are left behind are the bright, talented, special needs, and the slow learners. How can we be effective when we are underpaid, underfunded, and unappreciated.

Utilize student inate gift to teach another. EX: Create MUST KNOW INFO FACTS. "30" Info cards/sheets=30 kids. ea begins with 1/30 of Total. Info snippets @ 2 minutes each to read/quiz/share with partner and 1 minute to Personally collect Student=5 minutes.
Dated,Signed Info Sheets can dela or omit ROLL Call time and converted to Immediate Class Action start with Read Aloud "MUST knows" avoids hesitation, boredom,day-dreams,etc to start.
1)Short one-on-one sessions satisfies social/emotional,talk, attention,etc. needs(2)Set up Fun/work enviroment (3)Calm likely disrupters.(3)Promote think-on-feet, Speeds up thought-to-response time(Critical to Exams)(4)Improves each child's speech,reduce anxiety when called to answer you.
Pairs may be random or manipulated Ex: Gifted partnered to less bright fulfill sense of need to help often seen in gifteds.(7)Less bright may actually absorb lots more with words of peer. (8)(9) Information Recall can be automatic when Hooked/associated to Shared Info-Sheets.

i have four children that i have raised on my own. two of them are in college and the other two in juinor high and high school. i have seen and heard about the pressures in schools. i think it is very hard on so many kids, it is ridiculous!! i have raised my children to do their best and to not stress over the small things in life. my kids are all smart, but they have all had different learning styles and different attitudes about school. i want my children to be able to think for themselves and take responsibility for their actions. education has always been very important in my family. i have always supported my kids no matter what. they also have been involved in sports and other activities, but i do believe that they need time to just be kids. too many kids have that pressure to perfom and they are not aollowed to be "just" kids. i dont believe in pressuring my kids to do better because i think it will only harm them in the long run. kids need more good role models and time to be themselves.

I wish I could agree with you because your thoughts are correct. Unfortunately, the world continues to move faster and faster.

Teens will have to learn how to compete in a global marketplace. I wish it were different, but it is not. It is important that they learn how define their success. What does it look like for them and what will they sacrifice to get it.

Success does not have to be fancy houses and cars like the media and advertising world suggests.

If teens take the time to define what they truly want then, it is important they to learn how to he happy with their decisions.

College was always looked at where I was from as your final judgment on earth. "You have to live with your decision on your major," was the call of the day.

Of course I bucked this mandate to the point where only I could decide. It made all the difference. If you study only what interests you and don't follow a prescribed plan, I find that you will be more personally rewarded, and in turn you will be more capable in the working world. Some might disagree, but this is how I believe.

Bruce

College today seems like something everyone has to go to, the amount of peer pressure on students right out of high school is phenomenal. Yet I would like to argue that it is not that relevant to whether or not you are able to get a job in your life. In fact, USAJOBS states, "If you have been in the job market for awhile and have accumulated an extensive work history, you may be well qualified for many positions even without a college degree." My father only went to college for 2years at Miami University until he dropped out, and now ever since, he has proceeded to make decent money and have a very successful life. I think there is just too much peer pressure on students today. That they must go to college if they are too succeed in life, and if they don't go, they will fail. I like to believe that college is helpful in securing your future with a good job, but it is most certainly not needed.

I just read about a man going outside the marriage for sex!! I say go for it I am 4, married 30 years, I Dont Want It!!! I know I am not alone so get with the picture, you are out of touch!!!