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The Feminine Mistake
Yesterday morning on the TODAY show, a book called The Feminine Mistake was discussed. The author made the case that women are taking great financial risk when they give up their careers to be a stay-at-home mother. But there is something that often motivates a woman’s choice of whether to be a stay-at-home mother or continue to work that has little to do with finances.
A woman’s own mothering experience has a tremendous, yet often hidden impact on what a woman decides to do. She may feel she cannot be a good mother if she does not stay home because her own mother did. She may feel she must "correct her own childhood" by staying home when her own mother did not.
Some women feel that their mothers worked and it was just fine and like their own moms, they want to stay out in the workplace. Still others feel that they did not respect their mother because she was "only a housewife" and therefore they would never give up working.
The point I am trying to make is that early experiences and how you came to process those experiences will greatly shape your decisions, but it will often do this out of your consciousness. A woman may feel she has to do whatever she has decided without realizing the imperative is coming from her unconscious and therefore she is not necessarily able to make the most informed decision. In fact, when a woman decides this way, she often ends up quite conflicted about her decision.
The reason is that decision has come out of guilt, competition and blind identification and the wish that her decision will resolve her problems left over from the past never comes to fruition. On the other hand, when you can step back and examine your childhood, how you felt about your own mother’s choice and how she is different from you, and the times are different as well — then you can make a more informed decision. The end result may still be the same on the surface, but the comfort with that choice will likely be much more comfortable. Let me know how you feel about how your own growing up has influenced your choices of how you mother.
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My mother worked when I was growing up, however I was lucky enough to have my grandmother look after me when my parents were at work. My best friend decided to stay home with her children, but runs a home daycare,allowing her to make money and spend quality time with her children.Obviously not a decision for everyone...She was made for looking after children.She has 6 of her own+daycare!I am a stepmom of 3,and lucky enough to work shiftwork with rotating days off during the week.It's a bit of a struggle,but I get to spend some days off volunteering at my kids' school.Since I haven't been with the kids from birth,I don't have the same "maternal" feeling that other moms may have,although I love my kids like I birthed them!I would ultimately love to be at home when I give birth to my future babies until they are at least in school full time. My mother's decision to work was financial, as is my best friend's.I admire their equal but different decisions on their struggles with Motherhood vs Career.
Another factor is in play in the decision to stay home with children or to work outside of the home. It's that raising children is seen as a low skilled, tedious job...one that is not fulfilling.
Raising children is seen by some as a matter of custodial care...to be done by those on the lower end of the status ladder. Stimulating young minds is lowly?
Material possessions matter more to some than maternal opportunities. These women rationalize that they are working on behalf of their families. Their paychecks buy TVs and computers for children's bedrooms. Kids who don't feel connected to parents close the door of their rooms and watch whatever on their TVs and email whomever on their computers.
Mothers who work outside the home acknowledge being so tired at the end of the day that they don't monitor their kids as they should.
Kids thrive when mothers see parenting as a creative, fulfilling endeavor. Mothers thrive when society sees mothering as an important contribution to all.
I don't consider it "materialistic" for mothers to work so that their children have educational opportunities. Both of my parents worked so that I was able to attend both a private high school and college. My mother considered it her "maternal opportunity" to ensure that I could stand on my own two feet. A college education is fast becoming a requisite for a meaningful career, and I am grateful that my parents encouraged me to grow academically.
Also - there needs to be more emphasis on a father's role in his children's lives. This is not 1950, and the greatest thing the feminist movement gave all women was choice.
If you choose to be an at-home parent, good, I support your right to make that decision. If not -by circumstance or choice- it does NOT mean that you have cheated your children. Children fare far better in a home where their parents are satisfied with their lives, and there is mutual respect and love, regardless of whether or not a parent is at home full time.
Bostonvixen makes interesting points. Also to add is the fact that real estate costs an arm and a leg. Gone are the days of being able to afford a mortgage, car payment, skyrocketing oil and gas bills and electricity on one "moderate" income. I don't how it is in the US, but here in Canada, the average cost of a home is 4-5 times the amount of the "average" salary.
And now with the extreme rise in education costs, it's almost mandatory to have some form of post-secondary education. And my experience (as well as several friends) has been that the cost of your post-secondary education is a reflection of the amount of money you will make. Being in debt up to your eyeballs for a $50 000 education meant my friend could make a salary of $55 000 a year. She is spending the next 15 years paying it off, leaving her no choice but to work even with having children.
None of it has anything to do with wanting the big screen tv, an ensuite or pool. It's simply to put food on the table and have a place to live.
I'm one of six, my mother stayed home with us until the last one was in school and then needed to go back to work, so we had both sides. She was well educated before she had us and it was paid for. I am a stay at home mother of three and have chosen to stay at home even through school years to be here for them after school and be a PTA mom etc. My children love seeing me at there school even though they see me everyday at home! This is My choice and it has been a financial challenge at times but rewarding for me and my family. I have a great respect for those who can balance a job and family and if it is what they choose and it works for them that's what counts. Good choices that focus on everyones needs.
I'm one of six, my mother stayed home with us until the last one was in school and then needed to go back to work, so we had both sides. She was well educated before she had us and it was paid for. I am a stay at home mother of three and have chosen to stay at home even through school years to be here for them after school and be a PTA mom etc. My children love seeing me at thier school even though they see me everyday at home! This is My choice and it has been a financial challenge at times but rewarding for me and my family. I have a great respect for those who can balance a job and family and if it is what they choose and it works for them that's what counts. Good choices that focus on everyones needs.
I'm not a stay at home mom, I'm a stay at home sister (after school hours that is). My mother is a single parent, she works to put me and my sister through college, and in return I babysit my little brother. I don't have a job like a normal 18 year old, but I'm perfectly happy to watch over him, cook dinner, and clean the house. I still have plenty of time for homework when my mom comes home and takes over, so I'm not complaining. I actually respect my mom a lot, not because she's not a stay at home mom, but because she can juggle a career and a family and still be happy. I would have lost my mind already if I was her, there is a lot of stress dealing with an 8 year old after 10-12 hrs of work. Yet she's not complaining.
I am a working mother. This is a double edged sword if you ask me. The experience of having a mother at home to raise the children is so important and if a couple can financially do it than there should be no question that mom stay home. Unfortunately, it is not a possibility for most of us. Blessed are those that can. The next best thing you can do is to be there for your children after work. Cook dinner together. Help with homework. Talk, laugh and play together before you have to go to bed and start all over the next day.
Why can't Dad stay home?
Excellent points, Gail, and a valuable contribution to the extensive discussions of Leslie Bennetts's book, which have centered around social and political forces.
"Free choice" is not always as free as we'd like to think, and we're often looking over our shoulders in our minds for imaginary parental approval (or disapproval, as the case may be) as we try to make them.
Thanks - I've always loved your work.
* MB
It's interesting how all of these comments reflect on WOMEN. In our family, it's my wife who has the higher earning power. She works morning/days, and I freelance and work evenings. ONE of us is ALWAYS home when our children need us - and on the occations when we can't, we have loving parents to chip in to cover the shortfall. Sure, money is tight - but our kids know they are loved and are better behaved than nearly all their friends.
In most cases, there is some accomodation that can be worked out. A women - or a man - does not HAVE to stay home or HAVE to work. There are all sorts of accomodations that can be made. Bottom line - in most cases CHILDREN ARE A CHOICE. If you can't handle the burden, then maybe they're not the choice for you.
The women who are so proud of being SAHs today, may very well be living on food stamps in their old age. That is their choice and I won't argue with it.
I have three children 8,5,2. I have stayed at home with them for the last 8 years only working a night or two a week off an on waitressing for grocery money. My husband would be home those nights and not have to work late himself. So there was always a parent at home. 3 years ago I quit waitressing after we lost an infant. I just wanted to stay home and be with them. Now my oldest two are in school and so am I. I am finishing up my masters and I had to put my littlest in daycare for the first time. She loves it and I love the freedom for the first time in 8 years. I loved being a stay at home mom and still miss it sometimes, however, now I feel the need to do something for myself. Besides exhausted I feel that I am doing something to better myself and the familiy in the long run. But oh I do miss the days of endless play with playdoh and legos.
Hooray!!!!
I believe this book has changed my life...sigh of relief...finally someone not making us feel guilty for going to work!
if your going to have kids rais them. if not dont have them
the problem today is, adults are very selfish anymore
When I had my son there was immediately no question that I would stay home to care for him. My deepest conviction on the issue revolved around and still does a very profound respect for human life that I have. I also felt very strongly that he was my responsibility for his day to day care, as well as the day to day joys. I also realize that many women feel that they cannot do it for financial reasons but everyone has to decide that for themselves. On the flip side, putting a career on hold does make one feel very vulnerable as I sometimes did. I chose to have faith and no matter what was meant to be that I would squeeze in every possible moment with him that I could so that my words would be the ones he would think of during his trials & tribulations of his life.My mother had some severe medical problems and required full-time care for many, many years. I had to do it without her...other moms have their moms by their sides. For those who complain, always be grateful
you had your mother when you had your baby.
While some decisions are based on your childhood, many women mistakingly think they have no choice financially but to work. My mother worked and was the perfect mom in my eyes. I always assumed I would work, until I met my husband and realized what I really wanted for my family. I want my child to learn my values, not another caretaker's, to be stimulated, not just physically kept safe, and to learn right from wrong, not just told no. I received all my education and training PRIOR to kids and marraige, (an attorney on inactive status) so it will not be a problem to re-enter the workforce. We bought a house that we could afford on 1 income, driving a used car, etc., so that our son can have the person who loves him most in the world care for him at all times. Nothing I could do as an attorney is as important and emotionally satisfying as my work as a stay-at-home mom. Feminists should celebrate women's right to choose to work or stay home, not condemn those who decide to put their family first.
Respect must be given to mothers who decide to stay at home and raise their children. Day care is an assumption of a risk anyway it's known. Regret for not allowing more playtime and contact with others, peers or students in some cases, may be the down side however. Perhaps if the resources are there, the experience can be rewarding for all parties. You would like to think so in fact.
Bruce
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