Today we discussed how to help Sharon with her "divorce makeover". Here were some of the psychological points that I thought would be helpful to Sharon.

Sometimes a person allows herself to be treated badly in a marriage because she feels she deserves it, that she is really not worthwhile or valuable, lovable and maybe even are deserving of punishment. Many overweight women struggle with feeling no one will ever want them, so they think they should hold onto a terrible guy or they will always be alone. Women who don't think much of themselves are often terrified of being alone and would hold onto someone who makes them miserable rather than risk being alone. It is a belief that they cannot take care of themselves.

Sharon has already taken the important step of both knowing that she can take care of herself alone (at least as well as together with him), and that she does have good stuff and deserves some happiness. She needs to continue to grow her self-confidence, which can happen through financial planning, making outside friends who enrich her life and being a good mom. She should review her attributes which are more than her new lower weight. She should make some future goals of where she would like to be personally in life in two years, five years, ten years. This will help her see that life will move on and she has opportunities for gratification in the future too.

Children do suffer with divorce. There is no way to completely avoid it: the two people she loves are separating and so she cannot have you both at the same time. She has to miss one of you. This is painful and it is normal that she will grieve. Let her do so and let her talk to you about her sad feelings. Tell her most children feel that way and that with time she will feel less sad, but that you understand and can let her talk about her feelings. Be on the lookout for feelings of real anxiety or depression (changes in sleep, appetite, social withdrawal or constant seeking of attention from anyone, school problems), and if there is concern let a professional evaluate her. Reassure her that you and daddy will always love her, even if your love for each other is gone. You two will always be there for her.

Her biggest fear is if you stopped loving him, could you stop loving her? You need to tell her that won't happen and how a child is different from a spouse. Try to work with your ex, for her benefit. If a mediator would help, use one. Despite anger, you need to talk about your child and do what is best for her. Argue elsewhere; do not put each other down in front of her. She needs to hold onto two parents who are good and love her. Making either one of you bad takes a parent away from her.

Reassure her you will both be there for her and love her. Also tell her, you will each be okay. She will worry you won't be, she needs to know you can each take care of yourselves as well.