Wow Gail, if you haven't read our book you really should because from what you have written here, we are on the same wavelength! Our book is called "Mommy Guilt: Learn To Worry Less Focus on What Matters Most and Raise Happier Kids" (AMACOM) We have 7 Principles we discuss in the book and just like you have written here, one of our principles is "Parenting is not a competitive sport" and we also discuss how important it is for parents to understand the difference between helpful pangs of guilt and the debilitating kind of guilt that just stops you in your tracks. Glad you are on the same page as us and we hope you get lots of responses to your question as we found in our research 96% of moms do feel guilt associated with parenting. But we also found that moms are mostly happy too. Guilt just gets in the way at different ages and stages- both our children's and our own!

Sometimes guilt is warranted. Rather than telling mother's they should or should not feel guilty, rather you should focus on teaching these mother's if their guilt is warranted or not. Then focus on problem - solving coping strategies for their guilt and to fix some of the stressors in their life. Merely validating or invalidating their guilt does not solve the problems or help to change their outlook or perception of their parenting. I would hope that most mental health care professionals know this. I hope someone gave that mother who has a two year old who does not speak some better advice than what was on the show this morning, for the child's sake! It is ok to feel guilty as long as your taking steps to solve and fix the problem, rather than ruminating in that emotion.

As a mental health professional, I do agree that while validation, empathy and sympathy are comforting to those who are struggling with their guilt it is a first step in creating a foundation on which parental confidence and empowerment can build. The next step after empowerment and confidence is collecting tools for our parenting tool box. Often we keep old tools around way beyond their usefulness and then get overwhelmed by how many other parenting tools we encounter. (i.e.Not sure what will work, not sure if we should use them or how.) This is what Aviva and I love to do, we have a tool belt and we help others gather up what they need for their own families so they have tools that will actually work instead of frustrate them. Tools only work when the person using them understands the function and the purpose. Keep in mind though, that it is sometimes hard and time consuming to try a new tool and it may take a while for you to see if it is the right one for your family. Just load up your belt & keep em handy

I have a wonderful 2 1/2 year old daughter and while she is thriving in every way, I often find myself feeling like I'm not doing everything I can. I think a lot of this comes not from feeling like I have to live up to my mom like Dr. Saltz says, but feeling like I want to try harder than she did. My mom didn't have the greatest childhood, so she always said, "I can't give what I didn't get." I never want to say that to my daughter! I really felt like that was a cop out, and my mom ended up repeating many of the damaging patterns from her past. My motto is, "If I didn't get it, I am an adult and I can find it!" But I do think, out of fear of repeating the past, I sometimes overcompensate and may in fact not be letting my daughter do enough "for herself" and that's important, too. Interesting topic, and one that I'm sure many moms can relate to.

I have learned that before you can make other people happy, you have to be happy yourself. That means taking the time to do things that give you a sense of purpose beyond the family.

Your loved ones will learn from your example how to find their own sense of purpose.

your criticisim of the secret movie was an obvious indication of how behind you are on the subjects of mind-body disorders, quantum physics etc. Have you read "Divided Mind" by John Sarno M.D.?? I'm sure you are relieved that no one hears that the kid who shot all those students at V.Tech was on psychiatric drugs just like the woman in houston who killed her 5 children. The drug companies have enough influence on the media to keep that information from getting out.

I am very familiar withe guilt, growing up Roman Catholic. I tried to make a difference with my children, running around all day, taking them everywhere, driving them and all their friends home (where were their mothers?) Here I am on Mother's Day all alone, they are with their father and his new family, my boyfriend is with his mother, apparently she is not tha fond of me. Iam not trying to whine, but after a lifetime of feeling guilty, this is what I get??

My mom is the first person that I can say that I do not emulate. In fact I find her controlling, controversial and not to say the least hurtful to me her daughter. How can I celebrate mothers day when all I can relate to is control. I have been married for 10 years with 3 children and if I talk to my mother it is hurtful and stressful. I literally hate talking to her. She thinks I am not as good a mother as her. (She constantly yelled, used the belt, etc..) I on the other hand tell my children to make responsible choices and if they don't there is consequences.
Mothers are so different and a lot of there personalities come out in their discipline.
So, happy mothers day to those that really love their children and not living their lives through their children.
L

Social workers see a spectrum of mothering, much of it less than positive for children.

Many young mothers interpret what they see on television as a license to disregard the needs of their children. Thinking it their birthright to go out and party, they rail against those who point out the responsibilities of parents.

Britney Spears offers the blueprint for guilt free mothering and the media sells it.

When consultants say that mothers feel too much guilt, young mothers often interpret that as permission to be a neglectful parent.

Anyone who speaks on the topic of parental guilt needs to be aware of the multitude of ways in which their message can be construed. Parental responsibility isn't advocated as often as it needs to be.

When you make narcissism the norm, you hurt large numbers of kids in all stages of child development. They need parents in the house..not adults striving to hold onto their own youth.

Kids need responsible parents who are able to see beyond the latest trends.

It would be important to not confuse "guilt" with "exhaustion" since mothers are usually burning the candle at both ends.

Bruce