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Chronically Late
No matter what is going on, a business meeting, your kid's play, meeting the new in-laws - you are always late. You could, as the saying goes, be late for your own funeral. It bothers you and yet it doesn't change. Even more so, it infuriates those around you who are sick of waiting in places and wasting their own time because of your tardiness.
Ever wonder what this is all about and how you can change it?
Much like procrastinators, people are late for different reasons. Some people are addicted to the thrill of seeking it out and moving toward their appointed destination only when they have to. The risk-taker just can't stop risking being late because they want desperately not to be early. The thrill may be the draw or the fear of feeling rejected as they wait for the other party may be the pull. The intense wish not to be controlled may also be at the root, sort of a rebellious "you will not tell me how to run my life or when to be where".
Those that felt trapped by authority in their lives often grow up to be latenicks who use lateness to feel free. Another cause may be poor organizational skills; they have real hardwired difficulty organizing in their head how long each task will take and how much time they need to leave to get to the appointed spot on time. These people generally have poor organizational skills though they may be very intelligent. Lastly, but not least is avoidance: the unconscious or even conscious wish to avoid the people or place they are going. This may make for more situational lateness. Along with this may come passive-aggressive hostility, the wish to make others wait for them - even when they are not aware of the anger they are feeling.
The most important thing to do to change this is to decide you really want to, and to figure out which type you are. By understanding which motivation has you locked in this behavior you then have a shot at changing your reaction. So when you are planning to be somewhere, and you are aware of the tendency to run late, you tell yourself: "OH, there I am wanting to take a risk, not be controlled, misjudge the time needed, or feel angry at/ avoid the person I am meeting" and then make a conscious decision instead to deal with that thought and yet not by being late.
Make special efforts to build an extra 15 minutes into wherever you are going, and bring a book so that you will not mind being early. If you can never be early, then you will always be late.
Know that punctuality demonstrates a sense of responsibility that impresses others and makes them feel good. It's worth it to put in the effort because of the benefits you will reap.
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For those rebellious sorts who don't want anyone to tell them "when to be where"...we don't want you telling us when to be where either...and leaving us waiting and waiting. Please grow up and respect what is precious to others...their time. We're tired of hearing that you're as bad as your kids. Why don't you ask yourselves why your kids have the same annoying habit?
Does attributing your behavior to your "childlike" nature make you think of yourselves as enticingly younger?
Those of us who recognize that we are adults are tired of having our lives made more difficult by adults who think of themselves as "young at heart". We're tired of being the "bad guys" who don't allow teen drinking, who expect kids to come home at night, who hold kids accountable for negative behavior.
Your affinity for kids who have an "intense wish not to be controlled" is more of a desperate attempt to be thought of as one of those kids than empathy.
Do the rest of us a favor. Grow up and allow your kids to do the same.
My mother is perpetually late. She hates the idea of someone "telling" her where to be. Even if she makes the plans. It's so bad, that I just stopped making plans with her and I never see her. Better than wasting hours (yes, hours) of my time waiting for someone who has no respect for my time.
most often this can be attributed to some form or other of ocd. organization, disrespect, and passive-aggressive behavior having nothing to do with being habitually/chronically late. it may even skip generations with parent having been routinely early then late person followed by offspring being again routinely early.
Believe it or not, I never thought of this before in terms of what the other person was feeling. I was just all caught up in what I was doing was so important and there was always five minutes more to do some little other thing. You've shone a light on something so obvious. Thanks.
I am often late, My Father was "always late." As a child I missed a summer camp sailing trip because we were 5 minutes late for the bus. I'm still mad about missing that trip! I wonder how manny times my kids have been upset with me for the same behavior?
Wow we learn something new everyday don't we..hmm I'm always late!
I'm late very often. I've been better since my son was born, and I'm good w/ I go somewhere w/ BF or else I have to hear him B**** !! I always wondered what the "cause" was, Dr. Phil once told someone it was arrogance. I can understand that, but it didn't fit me. I think, for me, it's control. I have low self esteem but I have to be in control. My son and I took the town bus 3 X a week, and he can't walk fast, so being late was not an option. So, I had to be ontime FOR HIM. He is my driving force to be on time. Eventually it will sink in to me and I'll be a changed person!
Very informative article iVillage. Thanks!
Kristina
I have this late problem, so I tell myself I have to be somewhere 20-30 minutes earlier than I really do. This includes setting the clocks in my house 20 minutes early. I hate being late, and this method works for me - keeps me from being late almost all the time. It's definitely something I got from my mother.
I think I fall in to several different reasons for being late, depending on the situation I may want to take a risk, not be controlled, misjudge the time needed, or feel angry at/ avoid the person I am meeting. Even when the consequences were losing my job, there were times when I was still late. One position I held, I was late 75times with in the first 6 months of being hired. But I justified it because I also dislocated my knee on an early Friday morning and I STILL came into work and finished my shift. I looked at it as a give and take, if Iâm a little late one day; I stay a little late and make it up... I think America is WAY too preoccupied with being on time and needs to relax. We're burning the candle at both ends... Just an opinion.
I respect all of the comments made and my husband and I generally are on time to various events, i.e. maybe 5-10 minutes late, and we call to tell the person we are running behind. However, we do have a friend that is constantly late...about 1 hour or so. I finally told him if he doesn't arrive within 1/2 hour I will not open the door, his habit changed immediately and he has never been late. I think it is rude, and disrespectful of another person to be late, it shows they just don't care about others' time just theirs. Thanks for the article.
I think this issue, as well as any psychological issue is highly individualized. Yes, there are basic human actions/reactions, but no one fits into a cookie cutter mold.
Any chronic, self-defeating behavior needs to be addressed with a qualified professional.
I would like to get a clarification on what is considered cronic lateness and who and what quilifies. I mean am I always late no, am i most of the time late yes, ha sometime I am even early America does needs to quite tripping I mean if i am waiting on someone I am going to wait untill I dont want to wait no more if there not there when i decide that im not going to wait no more then i am going to go and i dont expect anything different from anyone else if they are waiting on me. I think the people that are so obsessed are the people that are upset becuse the person that they are waiting for is not there when they think they should be there you never now what is going on in someone life or why they are late. If you belive the person you are waiting for is wasting you time. IT YOUR LIFE. take controll of it and live. If people focused more on what they want to do with There life There time. They would be so busy enjoying There Life. that they would not have time to be upset becuse someone is late.
In this day and age, it seems to be near impossible to be on time unless you're early. I work two jobs and I live by my cell phone (my watch, my alarm clock, and my car clock are all set by my cell phone.) because it is run of satellite. Now for one of my jobs, I never have any problems being on time. But my other job got a new timeclock and I was always exactly 2 minutes late because of the way their system was set up. I had to adjust my schedule (just a few minutes, so it was no big deal), but it's frustrating that I was considered "late" for two minutes, that I would stay late to make up anyway.
I guess my point is just that, while being on time is important, being so anal about it is ridiculous. It's like getting a speeding ticket for going 57 in a 55.
I make it to work 2-10 mins before work starts. I stay late to get all my ducks in order the day before so I can just glide in, store my bag, put my lunch in the frig, turn on the computer, and I'm good to go! I set my clock alarm if I have an appointment so I won't be late to remind me as I'm doing chores around the house. Sometimes I do get carried away cuz I have so many things to do on my day off and I'm a tad late. (10 mins), if I'm even later, I'll call to let them know. But usually I end up waiting for my Dr or hairdresser cuz they're late, so I always bring reading material. I can't stand people who have to be perfectly on time. I feel it's give and take. If I have another appt to go to, I let them know as soon as I get there and I schedule sufficient time (buffer time) plus traveling time between my appointments to stay on time.
I make it to work 2-10 mins before work starts. I stay late to get all my ducks in order the day before so I can just glide in, store my bag, put my lunch in the frig, turn on the computer, and I'm good to go! I set my clock alarm if I have an appointment so I won't be late to remind me as I'm doing chores around the house. Sometimes I do get carried away cuz I have so many things to do on my day off and I'm a tad late. (10 mins), if I'm even later, I'll call to let them know. But usually I end up waiting for my Dr or hairdresser cuz they're late, so I always bring reading material. I can't stand people who have to be perfectly on time. I feel it's give and take. If I have another appt to go to, I let them know as soon as I get there and I schedule sufficient time (buffer time) plus traveling time between my appointments to stay on time.
I make it to work 2-10 mins before work starts. I stay late to get all my ducks in order the day before so I can just glide in, store my bag, put my lunch in the frig, turn on the computer, and I'm good to go! I set my clock alarm if I have an appointment so I won't be late to remind me as I'm doing chores around the house. Sometimes I do get carried away cuz I have so many things to do on my day off and I'm a tad late. (10 mins), if I'm even later, I'll call to let them know. But usually I end up waiting for my Dr or hairdresser cuz they're late, so I always bring reading material. I can't stand people who have to be perfectly on time. I feel it's give and take. If I have another appt to go to, I let them know as soon as I get there and I schedule sufficient time (buffer time) plus traveling time between my appointments to stay on time.
I make it to work 2-10 mins before work starts. I stay late to get all my ducks in order the day before so I can just glide in, store my bag, put my lunch in the frig, turn on the computer, and I'm good to go! I set my clock alarm if I have an appointment so I won't be late to remind me as I'm doing chores around the house. Sometimes I do get carried away cuz I have so many things to do on my day off and I'm a tad late. (10 mins), if I'm even later, I'll call to let them know. But usually I end up waiting for my Dr or hairdresser cuz they're late, so I always bring reading material. I can't stand people who have to be perfectly on time. I feel it's give and take. If I have another appt to go to, I let them know as soon as I get there and I schedule sufficient time (buffer time) plus traveling time between my appointments to stay on time.
If it isn't traffic, parking, OCD to get hair perfectly in place, or trouble waking up from a case of insomnia...then, Could it be Attention Deficit Disorder- A.D.D. to nearly always be late???
I have a hard time being on time. I don't think I fit into any categories. I try hard to get somewhere on time and the phone will ring as I'm walking out the door. Or my cats get upset that I'm not giving them attention and get under my feet. There are many times when I get out the door on time, sometimes early, and I will get stuck in traffic or get behind slow drivers. I think it has a lot to do with ADD as well. Having problems with your attention span can have a huge impact on your whole life. Especially when society teaches us to have too many irons in the fire & we forget our wallet or important paper work & must run home to get it. Many Drs, employers, etc. give people a hard time for being even a few min. late. It puts conditions of worth on people that make them feel anxious about even the possibility of being late. These people put guilt trips on someone for being late, even when they are often running behind because they over-schedule themselves. It's more important for someone to be safe & not speed.
Usually I leave thirty minutes early so I don't have these problems. Of course that depends on what happens the night before you know.
Bruce
My wife is always late for everything. Even when we plan to do something me and the kids are always waiting on her. I have even deliberately made plans 15 minutes early so that we could be assured that we were on time, but, she still wasnt ready. I honestly believe that she just needs to feel in control, and that this is just her way of being passive/ aggressive in order to maintain that control of the situation.
My husband drives me nuts with his lateness. I agree with Dr. Phil...arrogance. If I can be on time...so can you! Nuff said!
Dear friend
I have a question if will be great if you can answer me.
I am pregnant and I am living I 1600M altitude but because of my husbandâs work .I may go to a ski slope 2days in week without skiing and stay there 4 hours. this slope is in 3700 M altitude .
Please let me to informed if it may cause any problem for me .
Thanks for you kind help
Mary
Mail: shiva_bahram80@yahoo.com
So the question is, who is more selfish....the person who gets pissed off at the other person for wasting their time or the person who is not going to make as much of a sacrifice with their time to be on time. Sounds like selfishness goes into both directions...so there is no "right" or "wrong" answer here. People need to learn to go with the flow. 5 to 10 min late or 5 to 10 min early is ok in my book. Nobody is sharp and if you are you are gifted.