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Compulsive Liars
Actually everybody lies. It may be only a little, it may be “white” lies, but everyone tells lies or omits the truth sometimes.
We start lying around age 4 to 5 when we first discover that not everyone believes the same thing we do. Once that awareness sets in and the understanding of the use and power of language becomes obvious to children, they will start to use their words, sometimes to lie. This first lying is not to be malicious, but rather to see that they can manipulate their environment. Eventually children may use lying to get out of trouble or get something they want. Actually, lying is thought to be an evolutionary psychological process (something the species needs) because lying is even seen in Apes who use sign language to “Blame” something they did on another animal when they were confronted for their “naughty act."
White lies, to protect someone’s feelings with no negative consequence, are really not a problem. The person who seems compelled to lie a lot of the time about important things as well as the small stuff has a problem with lying. We often call these folks pathological liars, which is not a diagnosis but rather a description. People lie to protect themselves, look good, gain financially/socially or avoid punishment. The person who has been deceived usually cares most whether the deceiver knowingly lied or whether they deluded themselves as well and therefore didn’t purposely perpetrate the lie. People who lie a lot, knowingly, for personal gain, may have a diagnosis called antisocial personality disorder (sociopath), and these people often get into trouble with the law.
Morally, we as a society really do not tolerate liars. When a person lies, they have broken our trust and even one lie may make it impossible for us to trust them again. We are on the look out for public figures lying to us, whether it’s by fabrication or by omission. We tend to hold public figures to a higher standard than ourselves and our friends. Interestingly, however, we are more tolerant of some public figures being deceptive and not of others. We expect less honesty from politicians and more from scientists and sports figures. We have a fantasy of more purity from our athletes and researchers who are searching for truth. We imagine that politicians will at least omit truths about themselves in order to get elected and we are more likely to tolerate their lies, as long as they are not about their political work.
When you get away with a lie it often compels you to keep lying. Sooner or later the liar will stumble and be caught. Because the issue of trust is on the line (and that has the longest lasting and most hurtful potential) coming clean with the lie ASAP is usually the best tactic. Since everyone lies sometimes, the injured party is often best able to respond to the liar apologizing and “coming clean”. If confronted about the lie they then respond by insisting they did not, and it compounds the extreme of deception and the crime. If confession only occurs once you are absolutely forced to, all trust has been lost and any repair is far less likely.
As a parent the most important message you can send your children regarding lying is that you always want them to come clean with you. No matter how big a whopper they have told, remind them that you would always rather hear the truth, no matter how bad it is, than be deceived. Tell them there is really nothing more sacred in your relationship than your trust of each other. You must prove to them that they can trust you to love them unconditionally. They must trust you to set good limits for them and have their best interest at heart.
So: that means saying, “I would rather hear you went to the party I told you not to go to and are now in some trouble and need my help than continue your deception which would further weaken my trust. I will reward you for coming clean by setting a limit commensurate with the level of judgment and trustworthiness you show."
Often we are trying to figure out if a person is indeed lying and therefore whether we should trust them and risk getting hurt or humiliated. There is no foolproof way to tell if someone is lying, but there are often clues in behavior that might make you suspicious that deception is happening.
Signs of lying:
Please remember that when you post a comment to this blog, your comment and the name under which you submit it may be viewed by the public.
Watch the "Understanding Compulsive Lying" segment from TODAY:
More from Gail:
We start lying around age 4 to 5 when we first discover that not everyone believes the same thing we do. Once that awareness sets in and the understanding of the use and power of language becomes obvious to children, they will start to use their words, sometimes to lie. This first lying is not to be malicious, but rather to see that they can manipulate their environment. Eventually children may use lying to get out of trouble or get something they want. Actually, lying is thought to be an evolutionary psychological process (something the species needs) because lying is even seen in Apes who use sign language to “Blame” something they did on another animal when they were confronted for their “naughty act."
White lies, to protect someone’s feelings with no negative consequence, are really not a problem. The person who seems compelled to lie a lot of the time about important things as well as the small stuff has a problem with lying. We often call these folks pathological liars, which is not a diagnosis but rather a description. People lie to protect themselves, look good, gain financially/socially or avoid punishment. The person who has been deceived usually cares most whether the deceiver knowingly lied or whether they deluded themselves as well and therefore didn’t purposely perpetrate the lie. People who lie a lot, knowingly, for personal gain, may have a diagnosis called antisocial personality disorder (sociopath), and these people often get into trouble with the law.
Morally, we as a society really do not tolerate liars. When a person lies, they have broken our trust and even one lie may make it impossible for us to trust them again. We are on the look out for public figures lying to us, whether it’s by fabrication or by omission. We tend to hold public figures to a higher standard than ourselves and our friends. Interestingly, however, we are more tolerant of some public figures being deceptive and not of others. We expect less honesty from politicians and more from scientists and sports figures. We have a fantasy of more purity from our athletes and researchers who are searching for truth. We imagine that politicians will at least omit truths about themselves in order to get elected and we are more likely to tolerate their lies, as long as they are not about their political work.
When you get away with a lie it often compels you to keep lying. Sooner or later the liar will stumble and be caught. Because the issue of trust is on the line (and that has the longest lasting and most hurtful potential) coming clean with the lie ASAP is usually the best tactic. Since everyone lies sometimes, the injured party is often best able to respond to the liar apologizing and “coming clean”. If confronted about the lie they then respond by insisting they did not, and it compounds the extreme of deception and the crime. If confession only occurs once you are absolutely forced to, all trust has been lost and any repair is far less likely.
As a parent the most important message you can send your children regarding lying is that you always want them to come clean with you. No matter how big a whopper they have told, remind them that you would always rather hear the truth, no matter how bad it is, than be deceived. Tell them there is really nothing more sacred in your relationship than your trust of each other. You must prove to them that they can trust you to love them unconditionally. They must trust you to set good limits for them and have their best interest at heart.
So: that means saying, “I would rather hear you went to the party I told you not to go to and are now in some trouble and need my help than continue your deception which would further weaken my trust. I will reward you for coming clean by setting a limit commensurate with the level of judgment and trustworthiness you show."
Often we are trying to figure out if a person is indeed lying and therefore whether we should trust them and risk getting hurt or humiliated. There is no foolproof way to tell if someone is lying, but there are often clues in behavior that might make you suspicious that deception is happening.
Signs of lying:
- Avoiding eye contact. Usually someone makes eye contact at least half the time they are talking to you. If you notice the person avoiding eye contact or looking down during a specific time, he or she may be lying.
- Change in Voice. A change in pitch of voice or rate of speech can be a sign of lying. So do hearing lots of "umms" and "ahhs."
- Body Language. Turning the body away, covering face or mouth during the lie, a lot of fidgeting of hands or legs and a mismatch of what’s going on in one part of the body with the rest.
- Contradicting statements. Making contradicting statements that just don't hold together should make you suspicious of lying.
Please remember that when you post a comment to this blog, your comment and the name under which you submit it may be viewed by the public.
More from Gail:
Another sign of lying is excessive blinking. Watch carefully and you'll detect it in many news anchors.
It may indicate that they realize they're not telling the whole story (which could be deemed lying by omission). It could also mean that they're aware of emphasizing only a certain part of the story.
Like researchers, news people are expected to seek truth.
Former reporters can explain why respect for journalists is declining. Having experienced the process inside out, we have a unique perspective.
Perspective is a problem when determining truth. When everyone in your office has a similar perspective, it's easy to feel that the collective collegial viewpoint is, indeed, the TRUTH (especially when it's reinforced over cocktails). One begins to look for morsels of information which will support said view...regarding contrary info as crumbs to brush aside.
Reporters don't realize that those who don't agree with their view can quickly spot bias through body language, wording, sarcastic remarks, etc.
On the show, I heard more indications of lying, reference to witnesses, "I know you won't beleive me BUT", etc. Does Dr. Saltz have a book that would be comprehensive and cover all these signs? I did not see the complete segment.
thanks..
good site..
reality..
pool
My boyfriends lies so much it's hard to tell when he's telling me the truth even when he tells me he never lies, it seems like he's lying about telling the truth.
I have a brother that lies all the time and has gotten into alot of trouble when the females he was seeing found out how to get into contact with me. When they called me I told them the truth and he got completely mad at me for it. I told him not to include me in his lies and I noified our uncle he was using my uncles name when he was dating these ladies. What is a name of a good doctor for him to see in chicago? My brother dug hisself a good size hole and I would not bale him out of it. I remember when I was younger I was taught to tell the truth at all times. To lie was a sin and was not respect for of others. My brother use to get his butt hit alot when he was younger for his lieing. I feel that if parents would not lie in front of their kids then kids would learn not to lie. If my 2 kids do something wrong they tell me what they did and we sit dowwn and discuss it out even when they know they will get into trouble for it. Take time out and teach your kids to be honest and they will come to you with the truth
TO SUSAN, It is sad that a guy must lie to the one he wants to be with in life even if it is not forever. Sit down and talk with him openly and if he refuses just say if you love me down inside your heart you will speak with me and let us work together on being honest with one another. I do not want you lieing to me so if you can not tell me the truth just remember you hurt me deeply when you lie to me. I love you and I want to be a part of your life but it will take both of us working together to make it a wonderful life together. It will take time talking together to fix the problem yet those that lie to much get caught up in it so badly they can not stop lieing and it becomes part of their lives not understanding the impact it has on loved ones and people close to them. Sit down and talk it over it may work out if you tell him how it makes you feel down inside of your heart.
One thing "pathological liars" or sociopaths do is the pity play. When they are deceiving you, they often create a scenario where you, the victim, are made to feel sorry for them. I recommend reading the Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout.
My ex used to lie all the time, then he would tell me how bad lying was. Men I tell you what!!!! Women too!!!!
The most unfortunate example would be the person who did not lie, but because he/she worked or grew up with immorally false people, they learned all the display responses. It is a shame.
Bruce
My ex was so good at lying, that all the so called "signs" just were not there. He could look me in the eye, and tell a bold faced lie. His voice never changed. He was a "confident" liar to say the least. He is now with someone that he lied to just as much as he did to me. I guess she accepts it.
My ex husband was also a pathological liar. He could lie straight to your face without any of the above "tells". After 7 years of it, it finally progressed to cheating. Lying really goes hand in hand with cheating too. The thrill they get off on with lying gets old and then they need a new thrill like not getting caught when they are having an affair. I would tell the above woman with the lying boyfriend to watch out. You cannot "fix" a liar.
My ex husband, lied so much over the least things...he lied so much he actual beleive it was true, even though, the truth was right in front of him
Unfortunately some of us have such dull pointless lives that the only way we can trick ourselves into believing it isn't - is by lying. Ahh the human condition!
The first 2 years of my marriage went splendidly... then I began to unravel the web of lies. My husband had lied about everything from his previous life to cheating while I was pregnant with our 2nd child. Stupidly, I thought he would change. 2 years later I'm finally going through the divorce.
There were NO telltale signs, as he had grown so used to covering his tracks.
To Mary...is KOD your ex?
I just dumped a guy who lied about his drinking. The smell would knock you out and he would still deny it. He said he lied to protect himself. He started protecting himself alot and I gave him the boot. It is better to be alone then in bad company. My soul mate will not be a liar.
my ex was married... lied to me about it.. then told me he was leaving her. Lied to me to keep me around, and lied to her and told her it was over with me. I wasted 2 1/2 years of my life on that guy and never knew I was being played. He was good... but once I figured it out I was done. She is still with him. I can't understand living with someone who is SUCH a pathological liar. Talk about living in denial... he will NEVER change. A liar will be a liar forever. I'm just glad to be rid of him - all I have left now is to repair the psychological damage I have from trusting someone so deceitful and manipulative.
I, myself, am actually a pathological liar. Not of the sociopath sort though, I'm certain, because I'm really regretting what I've done. I've been with my boyfriend for a year now, and he has grown much more important to me than I could have ever imagined he would. And I still have many things I lied about from the start, many secrets, that could honestly destroy our relationship.
Now, I just wish I could come clean, and hope he will stay with me, because I want to stop lying. But easier said than done. It's hard to let go of your lies, when the aspect of losing the one person you care about most is a very likely consequence.
I, myself, am actually a pathological liar. Not of the sociopath sort though, I'm certain, because I'm really regretting what I've done. I've been with my boyfriend for a year now, and he has grown much more important to me than I could have ever imagined he would. And I still have many things I lied about from the start, many secrets, that could honestly destroy our relationship.
Now, I just wish I could come clean, and hope he will stay with me, because I want to stop lying. But easier said than done. It's hard to let go of your lies, when the aspect of losing the one person you care about most is a very likely consequence.
I am married to a pathological liar. It has destroyed me to the core. I have lost all trust and faith, and now, ironically, I am the one who comes off as a crazy person because I am always on edge, questioning EVERYTHING, doubting EVERYTHING, on the verge of an explosion, feeling like I'm losing control of my OWN soul and self. I am suspicious of everyone and everything; no longer the trusting, optimistic, sweet girl I once was.
No kind of medical doctor, psychologist, priest, friend, family member or stranger has been able to help. THE LIAR begs, he pleads, he "promises" it will never happen again - and it ALWAYS happens again. Once a liar, always a liar.
I am also married to a pathological liar. He really is so good at lying, if I didn't know the truth already, I would believe him. I've talked to him about it, and he really didn't know he was that bad. He tried to get better, and did for a while, but each day, I catch him over and over in lies, but I don't like to confront him on all of them. Inside, I just don't want to hear what he has to say anymore! Obviously, this is messing up our marriage and I don't know what to do about it. Can he change? He's a good father, he's giving and caring to me and provides for the family. Will this pain go away?
My soon to be ex- husband is a pathological liar. he would actually come home and brag about how he lied to his co-workers about crazy stuff, such as where he came from, where is lives, his financial status, claiming he did this because the truth was none of thier business!! He also bragged about lying to get deals made. I have learned of several affairs that of course he lied about, and I just found out he has been calling a dating line. I had to wonder how many lies he told the women he talked to. Of course he claims not to have met any of them, and it was a talk only line, but.....he has cheated before, and has never stopped lying to anyone, he even lies to his mother about trivial stuff. He is proud of his ability to snow anyone. How do I know that he really was doing anything he ever said, working late, out with the guys.
Sydney, I did that for 22 years, it didn't go away or change. Now that he has lost me for good, he is beginning to see. I hope it works out better for you, but what you are doing is not going to fix it. it is going to keep up until he realizes there really will be consequences for his actions, and he is not fooling you. Maybe it is not too late for counseling, and you might show him this blog, so he knows people are out there who are trying to find help, or have waited to long and ruined the love they could have had forever, and he will not want to be in the same spot as my husband.
I know from personal experience and just from issues I've had in the past, that pathological lying stems from a low self-esteem. Until the person can become confident with themselves and their own lives, they will not feel comfortable telling the truth about what occurs in their own life.
To Zee: I can absolutely relate to where you are coming from. I am also in a relationship with a guy I really care about and have kept many things about myself and my past, hidden from him. I've lied to him from the beginning and I don't even know if I could be forgiven if I finally did tell the truth. Worse yet, I don't even know if he would stay with me. This is very hard to deal with, as we are very much in love with one another and have discussed marriage in our future.
Thanks, Sandra. I appreciate your thoughts and advise. I'm going to try and get him to a counselor. Even though he's "bigger than life" with stories, I know he does suffer with low self esteem.
Hi, I am not sure but a lot of people around me have told me I lie a lot and think I might have a problem with this. I would love to get some help if I knew who to go to and some one who wont kill me with their bills. I am just a student in college and this problem is causing me my relationship with my fiance. Any suggestions would greatly be appreciated. Thank You.
I disagree with a few things in this article that I'd like to share to a surprisingly thoughtful group of people (if we're being honest :-)) I think my boyfriend of 4 years and I are both pathological liars by definition.Now we don't, as Dr. Saltz says,"...get into trouble with the law" We are only in our 20's, and maybe it is the area we live in (Humboldt county=drugs=high crime),but I can't tell you how many times WE'VE been lied to and taken advantage of.Too many other young couples/roommates/friends will say so many lies to get deep into our lives and then the truths come out - their financial status (i've had at least 4 people try to live off of me for months!) or whether or not they just moved their boy/girlfriend into the house without telling us (as if we dont notice?!)So we tell lies about ourselves all the time, to genuinely protect ourselves.We're still yet to meet any new friends worth telling the truth to....best of luck to the married folks,those kinds of trust problems are incredibly hurtful :-/
i myself am i self proclaimed pathological lier. i have lied to keep myself out of trouble from the time i can remember as a kid to now in my 15 year marriage. i know the pain it causes loved ones and it really sucks to be married to a woman who does not trust you in the least bit. i have tried to quit many times but always resort back to what i know best. one reason i continue to lie to my wife is the way she reacts when i do tell the truth. i can't pin point why i started lieing except to keep out of trouble with my parents, my parents taught us not to lie but i feel it is ingrained in me somehow, maybe i trained myself so good or i actually belive my own lies. is there any way to stop yourself from lieing so much after all these years???
i am in a relationshiop now with a liar. she started first with intimate emails to a friend of hers far away and it progressed into telling me she was going to her parents and instead going to a friends place in a college town (a female friend, but she said she lied because she didn't want me to "freak out" and question her) and finally it came to a head when she spent the night with my best friend and he kissed her and tried to do it a second time. we are trying to work it out but i'm hurt so deeply and trust so little that i'm afraid nothing can be done to fix it.
If you're with a liar, dump them today. If you continue staying with them and they end up hurting you worse, don't blame anyone except for yourself. Many people stay in these kinds of relationships because of the VICTIM'S self-esteem. Liars are selfish and they suck. They will rob you of your positive attitide and trust for a lifetime.
Mark, what is the truth that you tell your wife? my husband would sometimes tell me the truth, like a 2 A.M. phone call "I made a mistake, but, I can't come home right now, it would hurt her feelings if I just leave the hotel in the middle of the night." ....or is it just that she won't believe the truth when you do tell it, because she thinks you are always lying? It probably is very hard to stop lying to someone who can't believe you anyway. It really sucks to be the woman who doesn't trust the man she loves in the least bit, too.
I have a family member that lies constantly..even simple things like what they did that day...they have also invented an entirely different past that often is revealed when the rest of the family meet her friends or boyfriends and hear references to these made up stories....I think she herself even believes her made up past life?? So strange???
Nope, not strange at all. My stepdaughter lies about everything she can whether it benefits her or not. She was going around telling everyone that she had lymphoma and that her hair was falling out from the treatment. I found this out after I found her trying to shave her head with the dog clippers. She also steals from people and was kicked out of one of her school clubs for stealing from a classmate. We are trying to get her help, but, the therapists are so easily manipulated by her that they believe her lies. It's really sad to watch "professionals" buy into her lies so easily and in some cases refuse to accept the truth. All I want is help for my stepdaughter, but, it doesnt seem like it will ever happen.
I work with a pathological liar and it seems I am the only one who knows it. He is so good at lying he has everyone else snowed over. His wife of 16 years just realized his problem and is now constantly catching him in his lies and trying to 'help' him by pointing them out to him so he can change. The thing is, he's a grown man, approaching senior citizen status and has lied about everything his whole life to manipulate others into giving him whatever he wanted - a job, a marriage, sex, a sale, etc... As a friend of his wife, how can i help her see that her whole marriage has been based on lies and no matter what kind thing he may say, including, 'i love you', it is still just a lie, meaningless words to fill air space. He loves the sound of his own voice and so he is quite loud and obnoxious. And his poor wife is now faced with the decision of what to do. As his co-worker I want to tell him to shut up but that doesn't solve his problem.
to; stuck in the middle,
you are not really stuck. i'd bet money that his wife knows he lies.i've been married to a liar for 25 years. i have known for at least 20 of those years that he lies.i made a concious choice to stick it out with him. he has hurt me and has deffinately harmed our relationship but i decided that just as I would stick by a man who had cancer or any other serious illness, i will also stick with a man who apparently has a mental illness.i am not stupid, i am not afraid of being alone, i am not what many people first think when they hear of a woman who is married to a man who lies compulsively.i am strong, i hold him accountable for everything he says,i go behind his back and check up on him when i suspect he is lying to me. but this is a choice i have made, not something i have been duped into.
the wife you speak of may very well have made the same choice. we all have our reasons for choosing the lives we live. i decided long ago not to leave even when that would have been easier.
I have an ex boyfriend who is a compulsive liar. I really had no clue in the beginning. Lying comes as natural as breathing to him. He lies so much he forgets what he lies to me about. He even lies about lying. He actually thinks we can still be friends. I told him I can't be friends with someone who doesn't respect me enough to tell me the truth. He is also married and lied about loving me and wanting to spend his life with me. He totally played me. He would of said or done anything to keep me in his life. His wife found out about the affair and took him back. She even said he lies to her so much she never knows when he's telling the truth. I believe he is mentally ill. He recently even tried playing me all over again! I can only get stabbed in the heart so many times. Let his wife deal with him. Apparently his lies and cheating are OK with her. I choose to love myself more. I wish I was stronger and smarter in the beginning to not be manipulated by him.
The show is good to watch,i would like to forward this show to my ex wife to erealise herself.
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peterheins
Clinical Depression