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Mommy shrinks
Who do kids go to for comfort, to talk it out and get advice? Their mothers, of course. But, today, this holds true for kids who are no longer kids. Women in their 20’s and 30’s are still talking daily to mom, asking for advice before making any important moves and sharing all details of their daily life and feelings.
Teenagers often rebel and pull away from mom as a normal attempt to find independence and spread their own wings. While they have usually returned to find more to discuss with mom, many women either never left or are returning to a level of intimate sharing that was more typical of a younger kid.
There are a number of reasons for this change. Childhood has been prolonged because due to college and even grad school, waiting to get married, have a career and have children. Mothers are less concerned with hierarchy and more concerned with friendship. E-mail and cell phones make it easy to be in touch and both parents and their adult children are increasingly aware of depression and anxiety as real issues.
Mothers want to bolster their adult daughters and they are happy to have the support. Daughters say that only their mother could take as much pride in her accomplishments and anguish in her disappointments, and only moms are willing to invest so much time and energy in support. Mothers enjoy getting to share their life wisdom and experience. They want to reap the benefits of having invested so much energy raising their child and truly enjoy talking with their children—adult to adult.
Is there any downside to all this closeness? Some psychologists argue that not letting your child do more on her own undermines her ability to become self-sufficient adults. Creating a needy person will harm both the child and her ability to find a healthy mate much more difficult. It is important for a child to believe that while they may chose to include mom, that they are capable of doing it on her own.
The bottom line, though, is that there are no studies that show there is harm in a very tight mother-daughter relationship. One day a woman who wants to be married will need to find priority for her spouse and that can be more difficult when a woman has asked mom about everything and tells her everything. But, overall, lots of communication is likely to be a life enhancing experience for both mother and daughter.
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My mommy is shrinking the possibility of my marriage succeeding. My husband feels that she expects to have a closer bond with her daughter than he has with his wife.
Cell phones and emails have certainly played a part in creating this situation. During my college years, my mother would call me every morning to make sure I woke up in time for class...and expect to have a conversation about what I did the night before. When she and my dad divorced it was evident that she thought of herself as one of my girlfriends, emailing me about her dating experiences. Though this made me uncomfortable (especially when she said unkind things about my dad), I thought she needed my support.
I feel like I fell in a trap...letting her know too much about my personal life (and my husband). She seems to consider me her lifeline to youth, a fellow female who will share intimate details of my love life.
I'm so confused about the role my mother should now play in my life. My husband says she's a selfish adult who is immature.
I have a 25 year old daughter & I help her on a daily basis with life's pressures & problems. I think she is a better person because of it. I let her live her life & make her own mistakes. I was especially helpful to her when she was in high school.My husband calls me a "Life Coach"
My mother tells all her friends that she's my life coach and that I cherish her advice. She is so invested in me that I feel more like a commodity than a daughter. To protect her investment, my mother has always hovered over any hint of a merger...managing to derail some sweet deals.
Now that I'm engaged, I want to broker my own life. Her behavior is becoming bullish...especially when she lays out her long term plan for my wedding...and my marriage.
I have to admit, I'm guilty of allowing her to spend money on me. She's helped with cars, apartments, a down payment on a house. At the time I thought she was paying out of parental duty, but now I see it was her way of buying a membership into every aspect of my life.
It feels like I've sold myself and the futures of myself and my husband. He can hardly bear to hear her go into her "life coach" routine.
My mother doesn't understand the concept of "intimacy", wanting details she's not entitled to for the purpose of impressing her friends with her "access".
When I saw this on the Today show I immediately thougt of my friend: Her story.
Her daughter, 20 at the time and living two hours away at college called her mom during a heavy rain becasue she couldn't get out of the building to get to her next class.
Her mom, ny friend actually called the campus police to tell them that her daughter was stuck in a building on campus (this was where her class was, and others were waiting for the rain to stop) she wanted the campus police to do something. My friend didn't think there was anything wrong with this, as she related the story to me, she kept saying the police officer was rude to her on the phone, finally I couldn't hold back and I said, was your daughter in danger? She said NO. I told her that the police were not going to drive to a building to transport one student. She actually got mad at me because I wouldn't side with her. Her daugher calls her at least 10 times a day for stuff like this. This can't be normal.
I saw myself and my mom in this story on the Today show. My mom was everything to me. I talked to her about everything. Not necessarily to gain her input, maybe to gain her approval, but really just to share. She was so much more than a mom to me.
On November 7, 2006 I lost this amazing presence in my life and I am so so SO sad. More than 8 months later, the loss is unbearable at times. I find myself struggling with feelings of abandonment and extreme loneliness...despite being married and having a circle of friends around me. I was raised with my mom and step-father, and though I have always considered him my dad, I feel orphaned. I know I have to get past this and move on in my life and, yeah, learn to make decisions and take action on my own, but God I miss her. In my 36 years, I have not gone more than a day or two without talking to her. I have now gone 8 months and 9 days. Maybe we weren't "normal", but I would do anything to pick up the phone and hear her voice again.
I am a single mother of a 23-year old college graduate and our relationship is very close. However, she went to an out of state college, and has not been back home since she left, except on vacation. We talk all the time and txt or email, but I feel I've let go of making her decisions since she left to college. We have normal arguments at times, but also discuss her future goals and dreams and she welcomes my opinions. However, it does not mean she will do what I think. I am ready to help whenever she needs me, but that does not happen very often. She is a very independent and self-sufficient young woman with a wonderful outlook on life. I am very blessed to have her for my daughter. I know we will always have a close and loving relationship, but she is certainly a "drummer who beats to her own drum".
Unfortunately, my marriage was victimized by the close relationship that my wife had with her mother which ultimately resulted in divorce. My ex-wife never became my wife because she never could separate from her mother. No I am leary of women who have what appears to be a close relationship with their mothers because like in my marriage I learned later that everything that occurred between us that was supposed to be private wasn't and decisioned we were suppose to be making,she had already discussed with her mother and had her mind made up before we could discuss it. Its been hard for me to shake that fear and so I sometimes get comfort out of the fact that when I meet a woman and her mother is in another city or state or decease I'm more at ease.
It's not only daughters & mothers, but sons & mothers who can develop and maintain strong friendships into adulthood. Iâm a single parent of two grown sons. We do speak almost daily, some days about nothing important, just a quick hello, howâs it going? When they need some advice, Iâm there for them. Not because they canât make a decision on their own, but because they respect my opinion and adviceâ¦.and sometimes they actually follow it.
Seriously, Iâve tried to teach them to trust their judgment, their gut. I canât be there every minute of the dayâ¦thatâs what a mom does when theyâre little. If you miss that opportunity, then you spend the rest of your live fixing it and you never really catch up.
Sometimes your children need to learn by making their mistakes. As a parent you need to stand back and let them, and then be there to help them get back on track.
I'm 25 and I talk to my mom almost every other day about what's going on in my life. However, I omit many details that I know would upset her or aren't appropriate (i.e. sex life!).
I wouldn't consider myself dependent on my mother. After all, she often asks me for boy advice (she's divorced and has a busier social life than mine)! The only main area I strongly rely on her for is medical advice (she's a nurse).
She has always given me plenty of freedom and independence to make mine own choices and mistakes. I'm glad to be close to my mom and I know she really values our relationship.
I like this site!
This is so me and my mom. I'm 40 yet we talk weekly, sometimes daily. I am single with a 5 yr old son and when I am really struggling financially she will step in because she knows no one else will and she hates to see me scared. I can call her with most anything. I have in turn helped her thru trying times as well when my father left her after 35 yrs of marriage. And then her new (at the time) husband had 2 heart attacks and was diagnosed w/Parkinsons 4 yrs ago. Most of the time our close relationship is a positive thing. Altho it comes with its detriments. Sometimes she butts in when it is not acceptable and those times are not fun. Right now we are not talking bcz she told me I get my hair styled too often (every 6 wks)!!! See, it is not acceptable for her to comment on that when I work my TAIL off and do ZERO for myself, ever. All in all it is a positive thing in my life to have a close mom. I think for her tho it may cause some grief! (she is also close to one of my sisters as well.)
Issues along with this topic that I retain for discernment are the parent-child bond being broken off too early, and the way some belief systems encourage this breaking off, while stating the parents should be so important.
In some belief systems it is completely illegal to have a parental bond after a certain age. This "illegal" act is seemingly used by belief systems that prey on weak-willed people who leave home without the support system they need. What a scheme.
Bruce