On the Couch with Gail Saltz, M.D. | A Mental Health Blog at iVillage.com
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Women who get involved with criminals...
Today on the show we heard from an author who wrote of her romantic involvement with a man in prison for murder. Why, you might ask, would a woman seek out a relationship with a criminal?
This weekend John Marc Karr was arrested for domestic abuse and his relationship with a 22-year-old woman came to light. His girlfriend sought him out after his public arrest regarding the JonBenét Ramsey case. Again: Why would someone seek out a relationship with someone who has been seen as a possible pedophile?
The possible reasons are infinite and likely vary depending on the psychological makeup of the woman in question. However, there are several more common possibilities. Aggression and Evil have always been of interest to people. To some it is particularly thrilling and exciting. Some women are drawn to the idea of committing a crime, and while they may never do so themselves, they are attracted to a man who has committed a crime and it allows them to identify with his sadism and aggression. They vicariously enjoy his disregard for authority and his brutality. They can imagine being him - without actually doing the bad thing. In this way, a man like Charles Manson was able to draw women to him who would participate in his crimes or at least be involved with him.
Another reason is the rescue fantasy. Some women feel an overwhelming desire to save a man, to champion the sinner and redeem him, to take evil and bring it back to good. Sometimes this is because they feel they are bad and wish to be saved, sometimes it is because they were abused and wish to imagine changing their abuser into a person who would never have hurt them.
Sometimes it is a fantasy of being powerful enough to give absolution and to heal or cure. Given that Mr. Karr's girlfriend started their relationship by offering a bible verse about forgiveness, this may have been her motivation.
Sometimes such liaisons are a matter of one psychiatrically ill person finding acceptance from another. Mental illness often makes people feel marginalized and rejected. They may seek out another who seems to suffer and feel rejected and take comfort in forming a bond where they will not be pushed away.
Loving a man behind bars is also "safe" for the woman who fears intimacy. The relationship will only go so far, she can seem to be whoever she likes because he will not see her in real life and she can restrict how much they see each other and tell each other. In fact the relationship can remain mostly a fantasy, which for the woman may be all she really wants.
Understanding what desires and fears drive the wish to bond with the unavailable and dangerous man is the only way to stop the self-destructive behavior.
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Gail,
I have to say that you really do speak some drivel on a regular basis when you are on the TODAY show. You seem to actually relish putting the normal guests down, such as the lady also in this piece about love and convicts. If you are paired with another "expert" you seem to enjoy taking the opposite angle to them and arguing the toss for your five minutes of airtime.
Please, give us real insight into the articles that you are invited to speak on. Remember that there is an audience sitting at home watching this and some people may actually be looking to hear your professional views, not your personal ones.
Take care.
Your professional view (on The Today Show) provided insight as to why a person would get involved with criminals. Aggression, disregard for authority, rescue fantasies and finding acceptance were among the reasons you gave for individuals seeking a bond with prisoners not available for real life relationships.
This explains why many journalists appear to be blinded by the desire to be seen as champions of the underdog. They aggressively attack those who view criminals as criminals. It seems they share a disregard for authority with the criminals. Many journalists have a fantasy about rescuing the downtrodden, as long as they don't have to interact with them for too long in their real lives. The relationship can remain a fantasy, which is all they really want.
Rather than viewing prisoners as victims of their own decisions, they view them as victims of others, others who almost always happen not to be rich journalists (accepted by their journalistic peers) who can afford to live in homes with security gates.
Gail,
Hi, I too am trying to recover from a tragic seperation from my husband of 15 years. mainly for DV and womenizing. Today, I can't seem to forgive him and trying to move on. Yet, along the way I did meet a young guy and he's ok, i guess, but after i knew more of him i don't want to be near him, he has been in the "hole" awhile and I image to wait. At times I think I must be stupid to be waiting. Each day I hope for the best, but he seems he can't get his act together.I guea what I am tryig to say is the I too recieved letters from him with all the words I wanted to hear, both loving and caring, but after he got out of jail, he is totally a different person than that person that wrote all the encouraging and loving words. Now I am tryng to get out of this relationship, I keep thinking that he is my only friend. i need a friend also.
Women who usually complain about how "bored" they are, not only seek an exiting relationship involving criminals, but do this because they have things done for them so often. There is nothing left to do. These women are seeking excitement. True to life.
Bruce
My mother in a relationship with a man in prison. He's in for embezzalment and all ask for is money. I know he is using her but I can't seem to get it through to her. I don't understand why she won't leasen to me. i know he's only going to use her and then when he is released he will leave her high and dry. What can I do so she won't get hurt?
Is there a name for such disorder?