I understand what you are saying but I think there are also other "Frenemy" relationships between woman. Envious and bad feelings or failure for that person is not what I am experiencing. I am having a problem with our different parenting techniques. (The children are 8yrs old) We are on different sides of the scale and after 2 years of trying to over look or just put up with the differences, I can't any more. My child has become her children's permanant whipping post because previous incidents have not been properly addressed by the parents.(Hitting,pinching,hair pulling,constant name calling...) I can not raise these children. I can only keep my child away from hers and direct my child toward other children who are raised with the same morals and disiplines that we have. We live in the same neighborhood and our children go to the same school. I am neighborly towards the parents but we are not close like we used to be. I feel that I need to keep our distance and that's all.

Adults used to feel protective of all children in the neighborhood. Now it seems that parents are using their own kids as tools to achieve status and make other parents (and kids) feel inferior.

Kids can't go to school without wearing clothes with a certain label. Teens have to get new cars on their birthdays. Girls now have to go to the spa with their mothers in order to be able to talk about their pedicures, manicures and massages.

In an effort to stay ahead of the popularity curve, parents are allowing (some even encouraging) young girls to wear sexually suggestive clothing.

It appears that the only thing we're envious of these days is material possessions and physical appearance. Where did mean girls learn to be so mean?

My frenemie is a thirty year one! we've experienced everything from living right next to one another, child birth,affairs,everything you can think of that friends do together. Problem being that she some times will meet and befriend people that are down right obnoxious,catty and some times just mean and she tends to take on their personality when she is around them. We do have other friends together who are really great people but I can't bring my self to be around her when she's with this person because anyone is a target including me. If she asks me to go anywhere with her I'll ask who's going first so asnot to be in their company. This does sound like jealousy but believe me it's not. We really are like sisters and I do love her but sometimes when that personalty comes out I could just scream! And here's the kicker,she knows that she does it and she thinks that I shouldn't make anything of it cause we've been friends for so long.I hate it when she does it and I sometims hate her for it.

I have a friend whom I love dearly. She is a source of wise counsel and directness when I need it. She is successful at most every thing she tries. So much that I get tired of hearing her success stories and start avoiding her company. It's like I know she will say certain things about certain situations so I start looking at things through her lens instead of my own and that ticks me off quite frankly. I guess it is jealousy and it's not very becoming, is it?

I think if you have a frenemie its just not worth the effort of the relationship. You can't really trust this person. I have limited or ended these so called "friendships" and spent my time pursuing relationships with more mature people who I can build a trusting and honest relationship with.

Good grief!!! Tell your 'frenemy' that she's stomping on your toes and to cut it out! Acknowledge that you are two different people and either have to agree to disagree or spend some time away. I'm a meat eater with vegan friends, a boho/ex hippy with fashionista buddies and a Democrat surrounded by Republicans...figure out the difference between toxic and different and lose the toxic idiots!!!

living in chicago in an upscale neighborhood I see it all and now i think i might be a bad mom like susan (above) spoke about. my kids wear juicy,abricrombie,junkfood,ect. they wear choos and blantics. there 12 and 14. my 14 year old just got here 5 kelly bag. but my kids DESERVE it. if your kids our nerds and shop a la cheap... their nerds,geeks,dorks. love your kids so much you buy them upscale things. i feel guilty but i dont want them to lose their friends. Why am i so bad?

I have a "toxic" friend who I've decided to keep at a polite distance. Just because she had potential to be a better friend didn't mean she'd be one to me.

fashionatorsgottabefly:

You are not "bad" for buying your kids expensive things. If you're feeling badly, however, maybe you should gain a few different perspectives on it.

What do you think you are teaching your kids by spoiling your kids with material things? What is this teaching your kids about the worth of a dollar and finances? Money does not grow on trees, and eventually they will need to feign for themselves--hopefully in the healthiest of ways.

Also, acceptance is a huge thing. Just because one kid has something expensive doesn't mean he can't befriend someone who is a thrifty shopper. Everybody is different and everybody does things differently.

I think it's good, though, to try and connect the dots from how behaviors are now to where you want your family to be 10 years from now. What can you change to better direct them to a healthful future?

I have a "toxic" friend who I've decided to keep at a polite distance. Just because she had potential to be a better friend didn't mean she'd be one to me.

fashionatorsgottabefly:

You are not "bad" for buying your kids expensive things. If you're feeling badly, however, maybe you should gain a few different perspectives on it.

What do you think you are teaching your kids by spoiling your kids with material things? What is this teaching your kids about the worth of a dollar and finances? Money does not grow on trees, and eventually they will need to feign for themselves--hopefully in the healthiest of ways.

Also, acceptance is a huge thing. Just because one kid has something expensive doesn't mean he can't befriend someone who is a thrifty shopper. Everybody is different and everybody does things differently.

I think it's good though, to try and connect the dots from how behaviors are now to where you want your family to be 10 years from now. What can you change to better direct them to a healthful future?

"My kids DESERVE it?" WOW

Yes, and you DESERVE a swift kick in your ass, lady. You can't even form a complete sentence!

exactly. what kind of job do you have that supports these over the top brands when you indeed cannot form a grammatically correct sentence? burger king paying that well these days?

It's a little odd that you can't even spell the brands you're buying for your kids. Was this post a joke?

I have to agree that there are many more types of "frenemies" than those created by jealousy. A woman I have been friends with my entire life (32 years) is a prime example of this. I love her, and want the very best for her, as she does for me, but at times, I am unable to stand being near her.

She has practically no social graces, and will say things unbelievably rude and insensitive, without it ever occurring to her that she may be hurting someone's feelings. I honestly believe she doesn't mean to be so harsh and cutting, she just doesn't realize what she says is hurtful, and doesn't quite understand when you explain to her why. But she has a good heart, and would go to the ends of the earth to help a friend in need. She just often speaks before she thinks, which can make it quite difficult to spend any significant amount of time with her.

Hey "Sandy" - right on!!
And, uhmmm, "fashionatorsgottabefly"... honey, kids "DESERVE" to be loved, to be protected from harm, to be taught right from wrong, to be treated with dignity and respect, to play, to grow, to learn, to be protected from adult activities including sex and pornography, to be sheltered in a warm, safe and comfortable environment, and to be protected from crass commercialized consumerism that teaches them their only value is in the "THINGS" they own or display.
In short, children "DESERVE" to be protected from people like you.

Oftentimes, we feel ambivalent about a stop light. If we are rushed all the time we would hate the red light and conversely love the green light. Now, if we left thirty minutes earlier then we should, we would be the opposite way. It works the same way with friendships.

Bruce

i can totally understand where you are coming with your mate and he stares at other
females it is so rude and uncomfortable
it also makes u feel like ur not enough for him but i have learned to talk with him and tell him how i feel about it and atleast he doesnt do it with me near him anymore but i also need to comment on the porn cause iam not quite sure why guys like it but i would rather watch it with my mate and let him know thats its ok then to make him feel he has to hide and watch it i feel the more open iam the more open he is to me and believe it or not it has made us very close

meg, you're amazing. thank you.

I think some of you missed the point regarding "fashionatorsgottabefly"'s comment. As a parent you want to give the best to your kids: from love, education to what they wear. It's impossible to determine what kind of relatinship fashion has with her kids from a comment like the one she made.

And obviously, people who are affluent are not always well educated.

I was loved, cared for, well educated, etc and I see nothing wrong in having a good pair of shoes or a nice coat. As long as you can afford it, why not? It's all about balancing life!

My best friend has become friends with a person who is unbelievable cruel to both my husband and myself. Please understand, I do not say this lightly. Without going into the details, I can honestly say this person is evil. I cannot disclose the entire situation to my best friend regarding this person due to the confidentiality nature of my husband's job. She has witness some abuses first hand. She does know we are hurt by this person. However she still continues to be friends with this person. I have told her that her friendship with this person hurts my husband and me very much. To me, her friendship with this person says, "I don't care how badly you treat someone I care about; I want to be your friend anyway. This situation is causing me great distress. I feel that she doesn't value my feelings. We are both mature women in our forties. If this situation were not so serious, I wouldn't care who she is friends with. I love her. But am feeling like she doesn't value me or my feelings.

you can never trust a co-worker, they will always use you for their sake. they may act like are sincere,but?

My frenemy is my roommate. I have known him for 10 yrs. Boy, do I have high blood pressure. I have applied strategies and am seeking a new residence. It is not easy to let go even when you feel insane at times for staying. I'm finding the web site for this disease:>)

Mari, not sure if you are referring to my post. But my best friend is a stay at home mom. She doesn't work outside the home.

Those young women reminded me of the "Mean Girls" in high school, whose clique was based on their money, good lucks and popularity. They excluded others who were "toxic," to use Dr. Saltzman's terminology, because they reminded these "perfect" girls how unreal they are. As a single mother, I raised a daughter with enough love, sacrifice and support for her to become one of those women - a gorgeous professional who married another professional, have 2 daughters and live in a beautiful home also in an affluent area of Long Island. But I have been excluded from their lives. My daughter changed when she met girls like this at college, and her best friend, a wealthy spoiled princess like these women told her that I was "toxic" because I had so many problems; that she should dump me, as her therapist - like Dr. Saltzman - advised her. "Real" people don't rid themselves of friends or a mother, who might cause them to think beyond their hair, their luxury car, or their country club. I'm surprised at Dr. Saltzman's advic

What was the website for frenemie bloging that they showed on the today show today?

I have a frenemie. I didn't even realize I had a frenemie at first. In the beginning we had fun. Then she started leaving the kids at my house for hair appointments and waxing appointments, that was fine it was still fun and her oldest got off the bus at my house. Still I was okay with it. The problems began when she would not pick her child up at my house until 6 or 7 o'clock at night if at all. One day she was supposed to pick my kids up and called and left a message one hour before pick up time that she forgot about an appointment she had and she got her daughter and left mine there. I was not at home to recieve this message, I had a playdate with my youngest girl. So I did not get the message til I got home, at 4:25, with a pick up time of 4:30. She left my kids there. She was angry with me for being upset. She had the gall to turn this into my character failing instead of hers. Am I wrong in feeling used and upset with her. I feel I overlooked alot of her flaws. My husband is happy I opened my eyes.

I didn't realize I had a "frenemie" until I read this. We've been friends for quite some time now and hit it off from the beginning. However, when she's with her other friends, she tends to ignore me. I believe she's afraid to let them know how close we are because they will comment about it. I'm outgoing and I speak my mind. She follows the leaders. When it's just she and I, she vents about them. When they are present, she's all over them, and I'm in the background. It's frustrating to me because I would never do such a thing. If I have a problem with someone I tell them, and that's the end of it. I don't vent it to death and then act like their friend. I wonder now, what she says about me when I'm not around!

Cait - you have no idea how much she was using you! Be gone with that witch. She's not worth your time and effort. There are plenty more women to call you friend! She's just not one of them. My friend had a similar experience. Let's call her Mary. She met Fran & they became fast friends and caretakers of each other's kids. Until Fran abused it. Then Fran's friends started liking Mary and Fran got very jealous. That's when Fran started talking about Mary behind her back and making up stories. It ended that they now despise each other. Such a shame!

Ladylike, Just watch your back with her. Dont trust her. I am sure there is a jealousy there and she probably does talk behind your back if she does it with her other friends. Very hard to find true friends.

I had my childhood friend baptise my son she and I were very close even after marriage,children and many miles that seprerated us.After my marriage fell apart she became my frenemie she became unavailable to me she was very unsepempathic and talked more with my soon to be ex.Very hurt in my friend that she left me when I NEEDED her most.

what about the objectification of another human being? Including the mother who must have her children reflect fashion, expensive items, etc. What is the inside like that the outside needs such adornment? Is it truly relective? When relationships lack the fundamentals of heart, true companionship and the maturity to enjoy another, what have you left? Sounds like poverty of the human spirit.

Well put, diana.

My goodness, it never ceases to amaze me how some women can be so backstabbing and passive aggressive! Stop the hating and learn to control your jealousy!