Getting advice to 'talk about it' doesn't help me. I need to know exactly what you would say to someone w/premature ejaculation. I can't think of any way to say something that it isn't going to come across badly!

Why not just sleep with many partners and solve the entire problem?

Dr. Gail Saltz,

I wish you had something more to say than platitudes. Everything you wrote can be easily googled on the web by any layman. "Talk to a doctor" isn't very good advice, either. I have seen 5 psychologists about a "very common" sexual problem I've been having and it was a complete waste of time, none of them could really help me, and judging by what I've read in various online forums, I'm certainly not the only one.

If you want to have an authoritative and educational column, then simply sitting "on the couch" while listing general common knowledge isn't going to cut it, sorry. We need some important insights.

Dr. Saltz is not merely providing platitudes. You NEED to be able to talk to your partner, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes you feel. Not everything in life is easy to discuss, but avoiding it will not solve the issue. Furthermore, once a man ejaculates, it does not have to mean that sex is finished. The penetration part may be finished, but you can still masturbate your partner or engage in oral sex. My best advice to men who don't last (and I am among them, at times) is to make sure your partner achieves orgasm first. Then it's your turn! Taking this approach will help to relieve performance anxiety some men experience, and with less pressure to perform, you can work on the issues that lead to premature ejaculation.

With my now ex-husband, I discovered his lack of participation was his way of controlling me. The more I asked for it, the more he turned me away. At first he would turn me away if we'd had an argument, then he would "punish" me for a month at a time. After seven years of 4 times a year I felt so ugly, and so unwanted, so. . . I found someone else to "take care of my needs"!I believe my ex is now truly addicted to porn.

we get to th place to have sex an we are raring to go as we start itis no longer hard

This is somewhat of an umbrella statement mage by Gail, but in her defence you cannot put a finger on one problem and say "Oh you fix that by doing this...." No one is made the same and if one man has a premature issue, the solution many times will not be the same for the next person. But you do have to talk with your spouse and work on the issue. If you dont it will ruin the relationship. Dont ask me how I know.

You have to be emotionally connected to the person and be friends first. My sweetie and I can have a huge arguement however we do not use sex as a weapon, and believe it or not it does take care of alot of things, because you're connected mentally nd emotionally you want to compromise more and when you're relaxed you want sex more, maybe I am just so in love with him because I know he loves me, that alone takes care of it, he truly dores me and it comes out through his taking care of me in other ways so by the time we are in bed we're on fire, but the other thing is he turns me on the same way...The best sex starts from ones heart and it takes care of everything else, your motivation, stimulation,finances, (because you want to take care of each other you don't mind working one bit to make sure everything is alright and what does that give you a peace of mind, relaxation, after all that I said that to say, he finds me sexy, I find him sexy therfore we burn the sheets up, and I mean burn them but it's beautiful!!

You have to be emotionally connected to the person and be friends first. My sweetie and I can have a huge arguement however we do not use sex as a weapon, and believe it or not it does take care of alot of things, because you're connected mentally nd emotionally you want to compromise more and when you're relaxed you want sex more, maybe I am just so in love with him because I know he loves me, that alone takes care of it, he truly dores me and it comes out through his taking care of me in other ways so by the time we are in bed we're on fire, but the other thing is he turns me on the same way...The best sex starts from ones heart and it takes care of everything else, your motivation, stimulation,finances, (because you want to take care of each other you don't mind working one bit to make sure everything is alright and what does that give you a peace of mind, relaxation, after all that I said that to say, he finds me sexy, I find him sexy therfore we burn the sheets up, and I mean burn them but it's beautiful!!

It's intersting that these testimonials always point to the man having the low desire. On the contrary I've been married for 19 years and my spouse and I have never been on the same level.

how doi get my wife to do more sex iam always the one to start the mood for once i would like my wife to start it sometimes she is never in the mood

Thank you for this great post.

Your blog is one of the reasons why iVillage is so good. Keep up the great work!

Ask your husband if he is gay. Have you ever thought the problem may simply be you don't have the right "equipment". Been there, done that.

we never ever had sex eversince we are married.he avoids touching him and tahn i stay back from him.more than a yeare has passed

My husband is not into sex. He always has an excuse. Thought he was cheating but I can't find anything. I want sex all the time he says I have issues. I'm going crazy I'm ready to go get it somewhere else.

Here, here John Smith. Here, here! I'm a modern woman exploring all her options... I feel sorry for women who settled down too early only to discover themselves sexually and find out their husband is a dud in the sack! :)

And V... your husband is probably gay so go ahead and get it somewhere else!

Love? For women like this? Why not just call it what it is...Sex.

My husband and I have been married 36 years, and I love him with all my heart. He has had major medical issues, including open heart surgery and is on numerous medications. He has all but completely lost his sex drive. He admits there is nothing there anymore. We have sex maybe once every 6 or 8 weeks, and when we do it is great but quick. But I am a sexual creature, and need physical stimulation more than that. I am seeing a maried man who is in the same boat as me. We are dear friends, and see one another a couple times a month. We aren't in love...but do care for one another. We satisfy a physical need we both have. But are both in love wth our spouses. It keeps me from feeling frustrated, and keeps things at home from becoming a problem. I would never make my husband feel like he couldn't perform, he is a wonderful man that has health issues. And I won't let sex come between us and our 36 years together.

You won't let sex come between you? Did I read that wrong... You're cheating! Boy, I'd love my wife to hook up elsewhere! Sounds like a great marriage... But on the other hand, I love sex. It brings a relationship to a whole nother level of closeness that cuddling just can't do. Glad I'm not in that position.

dee, i was in the same position as your husband. Trust me. If and when he finds out, he will be crushed and your great marriage will no longer be the love story you think you have now. I found out and now I hate him. 20 years of friendship and trust blown away for a physical release with a friend acouple of times a month. It wasnt worth it. He would have rather we talked about it openly now.

I had neuropathies, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, narcolepsy, a complete lack of libido, ED. Much physical touch was unpleasant. I learned extended orgasm methods for my wife but she didn't really want that, she wanted what I couldn't do. Further, because of the physical conditions, ie candlelight only, lying down on a bed in a dark room at night, on a waterbed that was greart for sleeping but sapped to much of my energy for sex anymore, I usually fell asleep within 10 minutes; I couldn't keep my eyes open. When I tried to suggest that I might have more success sitting up in a fully lit room on a firm bed or massage table. That was all "too weird". In thirteen years we never were able to work out satifactory circumstances for both of us as things got worse and worse. We didn't have any sex at all of any kind the last 9 months before divorce. The cause of my problems was found and now 4 years into recovery I'm fully functional sexually, but with somebody else. I was seeing doctors all the time to no good

I have only been married for 5 months and my husband has zero sex drive. When we do have sex--once every 6 weeks or so--it is terrible. I have had great sexual relationships in the past so I know what I am missing...what do I do?

I like sex but the drive is gone when my wife wants it im ready but i can't seem to start it myself

I to am having a sexless marriage and we are newly weds since August.
He is 57 and I am 43 and I thought it were the age diffences but, I were wrong.
He has had open heart surgery and he has high blood pressure,knee surgery and back surgery in his past and he takes medicines for all this and he takes medicine for prostates as well.
I sometimes wonder what have I got myself into? I have a very high sex drive as well and claims he can handle it and I see different. I sometimes fantasize of being with another man, but it is a fantasy, so far.I do ove my husband, but what is a woamn to do?
I asked him on several occasions to talk to his Doctor about this problem, but I feel he is ashame to ask for help. I need help!!!

We are 29 & 31...I really wish that I could go elsewhere to fulfill that need. I am worried about our future, he knows how I feel & always thinks it is getting better...it is not. I am losing (perhaps already lost) all interest in him. I have never cheated, but had an opportunity a month or so ago--didn't do it...yet. What do I do, he will not fix the problem? Is no sex a reason to get a divorce or what is the alternaive?

Ernie---how about some little blue pills??? I give you credit because you at least want it!

Phyllis, I know how you feel, except my husband is perfectly healthy.

my wife and i are newly weds since june, and i'm in the military. i left for deployment a month after the marriage and returned in october, so i was gone for 3 months. i came back and when it came to the sex part, we only had sex like 3 times in 3 and half weeks!!! and she says that she's tired and she doesn't feel like it, and that she doesn't always have a drive for sex. someone tell me, is someone else coming through my back door? or does she just not like to have sex with me? not to mention she's 20 and i'm 22.. very young. what's her problem, is she cheating on me?

Although the worst thing you can do is cheat on your partner after 5 years of no sex due to my husbands lack of desire I am now thinking of something I thought I would never do, and that is to cheat, I have needs to and no matter how much talking I do he does not care, the question is where does the spouse draw the line to make themselves happy, to me being in a relationship with no passion sucks.

I have been married a little over a year and my husband and I have sex once every few months. We only had sex once on our 14 day honeymoon and didn't even have sex on our wedding night. This is driving me crazy. I have beeen open and spoken to him about it he simply says that he will change. He refuses help. I don't know what to do. We are young and our sex life is dead. We had great sex until I moved in and we got engaged. Should we divorce for this reason. He tells my I am only concerned with my self, yet I do love him I married him. What to do...

I am 61 and my wife is 32, we met in a sob club that she owned.During the 1 1/2 years that we dated we had great sex. Our wedding and honeymoon were awesome. She has quit her job and become very depressed, our sex life has dropped to nearly nothing, and I sense anger and resentment from her and very little sex or time together alone. She promised that after whe quit that I had better get ready because I would not be able to keep up, however it has been just the opposite. Her depression has not only caused problems in our sex life but also in our relationship. I love her but can not endure this much longer. In my eyes she is the most beautiful, sexy woman on the face of the earth, and I do not want to leave her. She will not look for a job, finish her schooling, what do i do?

It is so easy for women to find someone else to satisfy their physical needs when their partner won't.

But, at 51 years of age, I have found it to be impossible to find someone to help me with my needs. I didn't know that I women consider me sexually dead so soon.

I've been seeking a partner on hookup sites like Ashley Madison for about a year and I have only gotten one response.

I'm 5'10" and weigh 195 lbs. I work out constantly and I am in good shape.

I have no idea why I can't get any responses.

Do women really want men anymore?

To those of you who say that it's your partner or your wife never wants to engage or initiate sex. Stop and take a look at everything she does in the day. Taking care of kids most of the time working full-time jobs cooking meals, doing your laundry while you sit and watch the t.v. and occasionally thank her for what she's done. If you truly want your wife to be more into you rather than fall down dead in bed at night. Step up help out take a little of her load off do that little something that she always has to ask you to do without her having to ask and see if she doesn't have more time for you... You may just be surprised at what you get back!!!

I love my husband very much. He is the fantastic father of my 3 children. Unfortunately, about 10 years ago he contracted a disease that leaves him with very little sensation meaning that we cannot have sex. Because of this, there is a man who I occasionally have sex with. At times, the guilt is almost overwhelming. What else can I do?

What's wrong with you people? Cheating is never right. You can't rationalize it or make it better. This stuff used to be taboo but there are TOO many resources available in the present age to help with these issues for some lame excuse like "I don't know what to do." The issue is, you don't want to. You're content in your infidelity and you don't want to fix it. Sex is not the only need in marriage. An important need, but not the only one. FYI, problems with sex in marriage are usually symptoms of deeper, underlying issues, i.e. trust and communication. Look, if my penis breaks, I can still pleasure my wife. On the other hand, my wife sometimes has sex with me whether she's in the mood or not - simply because she loves me and wants to satisfy my desires. Love is not some warm, fuzzy feeling - it's a commitment. This sometimes requires sacrifice and tough decisions to put your spouse first on a daily, moment-by-moment basis.

I truly get tired of hearing and reading comments from women blaming all their sexual problems on their Husbands. I am a 45 year old married male who has a very strong sex drive who is married to Mary Poppens. My wife is the most boringness sex partner I have ever had. She does not like kinky sex, acting out fantasies, oral/anal sex. Just good old fashion VANILLA sex which after several years becomes BORING. I have better sex using my right hand and my mind, and she can understand why I have lost sexual interest in her. Ladies open your mind to your husband’s sexual desires and just maybe he will be in bed waiting for the fun and games, be creative, open minded and welling to try new sex acts.

My husband has diabetes and has had problems with PE from the diabetes.
Since insurance will not pay or cover medications that help with the problem, it has left him frustrated with the whole situation. My husband of 40 can achieve erections but can not last for more then a few minuets. He went to the Boston Medical Group and they offered a treatment that would help him maintain an erection for 40min but the treatment cost $1500.00 for three months supply. Since my husband was loves me and wanted to sexual please me he discovered a web site that sold Penis sleeve extenders that fit over the erect penis. Yes they are meant to provide men who have small members the ability to have a larger penis, but the sleeve helped my husband maintain sexually without PE problems since the sleeve reduced sexual friction. He was able to perform as long as he wanted then when he was ready to orgasm he took off the extender. It gave him staying power and just a little bit more size in length and girth for me which was not bad at all.
Our sex life is back to three-four times a week.

I have been married for seven years and I am extremely dissatisfied with my husband's performance in bed. At first everything was fine but since we had kids, things just died. One day at work I approached a fellow co-worker about a comment he had made to me and the next thing I knew we were at his house having the best sex I had had in a long long time. What I dont understand is that when I do have sex with my husband, I am thinking of my co-worker and when I am with my co-worker I am thinking of my husband. Is there something wrong with me??

if your sex life sucks and the other person doesn't want to talk about it or work it out, get a divorce. seriously. since sex is the ultimate show of love in a couple's relationship, when it starts to suffer so does everything else and EVERYONE knows it. so get out and get with someone who does you like you want to be done.

men, help out around the house and with the kids and then maybe your wife won't look at you like you're a pig every time you want to have sex.

ladies, yes, it may seem like he's a perv, but if you talk to him, maybe you can come to a compromise. and if he's trying to help at home, don't rile him for not doing things "right." at least he's trying! which is more then MOST of us can say for the average american male.

cheating is wrong, as is deprivation of affection due to medical conditions, work stress, home life stress, ect. work it out or get out.

this one is for the military guy: she's probably NOT stepping out on you. but she may be tired of having to do everything on her own for so long. you "might" have told her how life can be for a military wife, but there is NOTHING like seeing it for yourself. i'm there right now. i rarely see my husband anymore, so there's no sense in trying to feel like a randy newlywed b/c there's no one around to play with. you two have to come to a compromise: she has to learn to deal with your work life, but you also have to understand how your work life is affecting her. i'm not saying you should divorce or get out of the military, but you have work it out. we're all raised to believe that husbands and wives hang out and do EVERYTHING together. time apart is few and far between. when life doesn't match up with the fairytale, it can be a bit unnerving. working to find your OWN fairytale is what you need to do now. GOOD LUCK! :)

WBB, the reason it's mostly women complaining about their husbands in this forum is because the article is about women not being satisfied by their men. Use your head.

My heart goes out to anyone in this position, male or female. It's not just about the physical need, it's about feeling ugly and demanding and unwanted and perverted. I've been in this situation for nine years and it's killing me. I've never cheated. It would help if he would at least acknowledge that it's a problem in our marriage. Last time I brought it up, he laughed at me. When we do have sex he is completely adverse to foreplay, I guess he thinks I should be grateful for anything, or that I am so over-sexed that I don't need any stimulation. Has anyone ever been in a situation like this where it actually improved? If so, I'd love you to share it. I need some hope.

Why is "cheating" only defined as sleeping with someone else? Couldn't it also be considered NOT sleeping with who you are with, because I'd bet they feel kind of cheated, too. Needs but be met, not denied, so if you can't meet a partner's needs, they should be met elsewhere and you should just relax; all drama is in your head anyway. Monogamy is an arbitrary cultural constraint invented by religion as a method of social control. For example, virginity was a virtue only because a man could be certain that having a child with a virgin insured it was HIS since they didn't have DNA tests available. Trying to force-fit modern relationships into the vestigial customs of repressive paradigms will never make you happy.

I love you---"Get You Some!" I live in a very traditional part of the country, and it is really reassuring to know that what I feel is not "wrong." Thanks for your wisdom!
Could you talk to my husband?

To Gert, Barb and MG,

I know exactly how you feel. I was in a nearly sexless marriage for 13 years. Although there were a few times when our sexlife improved, we never had sex more than twice a month. there were many years we had sex only a few times a year. What you need to understand is that people really don't change much and there's nothing you can do about it no matter how much you try. I tried to work it out mostly for my children and outside pressures to "do the right thing." After over a decade of feeling frustrated, undesirable, unwanted and unlovable, I finally filed for divorce. The feelings of hopelessness and sadness were unbearable. I just couldn't do it anymore.Your husbands sound insensitive to your needs. Unless you're willing to accept it the way it is, I would highly recommend you move on. Why spend a decade being miserable in your marriage before leaving, like me? I'm now a single mom which carries it's own challenges, but I no longer feel depressed or undesirable. Make your decision now.

Sex is a very important part of marrige. But bringing pleasure to a woman is not something that alot of men know how to do. It is a "learned" process that can actually only be taught by a woman. When women say only they know how to please each other they are right. So if a man really wants to learn, he has to learn from a woman. I'm 40yrs old and my wife is 26. We are both highly sexual individuals who have "taught" each other what we need in bed. We have been married 7yrs and have sex 4 to 5 times per week. And when one or the other is not in the "mood" for one on one sex, we have talked it out and agreed to purchase his and her "toys" to pleasure ourselves. I read one testimony after another of one or the other spouse either ignoring the problem or just too embarrased to tell the other what they "need". Thinking that it will just go away. No one has to live like that. You don't just grin and bare it. Men ED problems, get help!! Women, frustrated, don't cheat, get a couple of vibrators!! You'll be glad you did.

This response is to Buddy. I'm recently married to the military. Within a week of our engagement my man deployed for 6 months. I took care of 2 houses, 2 cars, worked full time while he was gone, and prepared like crazy for his homecoming. When he got back I was so happy to see him, but exhausted physically *and mentally*. He wanted sex that night, I didn't. Not having consistant contact or any intimacy for months at a time, and the changes in him from deploying made me feel as if our relationship was new and I had to relearn who he was. Jumping right to sex felt awkward.
While your lady might have had something extra going on, my guess is that she is having trouble adjusting to your schedule and definining a role for herself as an individual and your wife. Most military bases have a new spouse workshop for women and for couples to work through this. *Make sure* she goes to one and learns from other wives how to cope. Also try dating her, getting reaquainted, easing back into your relationship. It gets better!

Listen! If two people are connected and there's chemistry Sex is the bomb and its more than sex. When you dont have sex anymore and no connection the love is NOT there so stop trying to find ways to work it out because its done. You people are just wasting time.

love and sex are NOT the same. work on the love and the sex will follow.

if you just work on the sex, it just makes things stressful and awkward and you end up defeating both love and sex.

think about your partner - what if the roles were reversed? how would you wish your partner to treat you in that situation? you gotta give to get, people.

if you're already down&out, you don't need to be hassled and made to feel worse because that just makes you want to give up. how can they have hope when you tear them down and stop believing in them and in the "us" you started with? that sort of treatment would make anyone want to give up, even if they had no problems to begin with!

if someone is supportive and edifying and gives you hope that trying is worth trying, it's very inspiring. understand & encourage & just see if something good doesn't come out of it!

you've got to give to get. think what you'd feel and want in their situation. and try not to be an ass when things don't work out. it takes time to fix

In my opinion in a relationship that will last forever love and sex are one in the same. When one is without the other the relationship is done. Things change, people change and its time to just realize it and go on. If I have no desire to have sex with my partner there is a reason which most probably is the love is not there. Lets all be realistic about that instead of pretending we still love the person. I mean come on. Yes you can still say "I love him or her as a person." but am I IN LOVE w/that person...NO There is a big difference. People who stay in sexless marriages....Are you kidding me?

I cannot believe that some of you justify cheating on your spouse because of sexual problems. How narcissistic can you get? How about this: instead of fulfilling your selfish needs with an adulterous relationship, why not first try and work things out with therapy or just some good old fashioned communication? If that doesnt work then get a divorce! Why stay married and desecrate your vows by having some cheap, tawdry and dirty affair? Have some pride in yourself and your marriage, and most of all have the self esteem to not degrade yourself by having an affair.

Clearly then, the solution is to not make any arbitrary and unrealistic vows in the first place so that the exercising of a straightforward bodily function is prevented from suddenly becoming degrading, selfish, cheap, tawdry, and dirty.
Marriage is something humans just made up, you know, like a story. As with so many other things, it only exists because people believe in it. But, not all do. Relationships as per our cultural norms are not for everyone, round pegs don't fit in square holes no matter how much we push, so the path to harmony is being honest with yourself and your partner(s). But be warned: The Truth Shall Set You Off (but face it, and be free).

I dont feel having an affair is degrading yourself but clearly if you do have an affair there is a reason for it and the reason usually is your partner does not float your boat any longer and once that happens it doesnt come back even with therapy. I would be very surprised if it did. If couples do stay together its because of security and they live together like room mates not having any sexual contact which is the most important form of communication. How very sad for them.

Pixie, blaming someones affair on their spouse is way off base, and your attitude deeply saddens me. The whole "blame the victim" mentality is not something I pretend to understand, but unfortunately it is a sad reality in our twisted world. Having a spouse betray your trust with infidelity has to be one of the worst emotional pains anyone can endure. Probably the only thing worse is actually being blamed for your spouses affair. How convenient it must be for an adulterer to blame their weakness on their spouse and eschew all responsibility! I agree with "get real" that we have become way too narcissistic as a society, and "desperate housewives" is not a guide for successful marriage!

I'm not blaming the so called victim. I am saying that things change and it may be time to move on. If everything is right in a marriage you shouldnt have to work at anything. It should just come natural. If you have to "work" on your relationship, then lets face it something is not right. If someone is even thinking about cheating get out of your marriage. I am not justifying cheating by all means. Its not right but its also not right to be stuck in a marriage with someone you just dont want to be with either. If you truly loved that person you wouldnt want be somewhere else. Thats it!

So Pixie, you "arent blaming the 'so called' victim"? You betray your true feelings with that statement, and I feel sorry for you. I am guessing you have cheated before, and are still trying to justify it now. You also seemed to justify cheating in an earlier post when you said "I dont feel having an affair is degrading yourself...". I dont see how breaking the sacred vows of a marriage can be anything but disrespectful and degrading...unless of course you have an issue with honesty and commitment, and if that is the case you shouldnt ever marry anyone, as you are not capable of sustaining that kind of relationship. Listen, life isnt perfect and people arent perfect...yes, marriage does take work. If you run away from your vows and leap from bed to bed just because the spark has faded a little, then you dont understand what it takes to be in a marriage. Sticking with it is hard, but, it is ultimately worth it. It does take effort and sacrifice, but, if you truly love your spouse you do it because you love them.

Been There, Get over it! I dont know if you are still in your relationship but I would highly doubt. Once again i dont want a marriage that takes "work". Its not supposed to be that way. I have no issues with honestly and committment whatsoever. I have one guy that I adore and adores me and I am extremely loyal to him and its not "work". Oh, and The sparks should always be there in a good healthy relationship.

So let me get this straight...a sexless marriage is a bad marriage? And a loving marriage, albeit without sex is a good marriage?

I'm a newlywed and would be devastated if my husband cheated on me. Whether it's now or 20 years from now. It's so unfair to the unsuspecting partner. Whatever happened to marriage counselling and working it out?

I hear ya Lovebug.

Newlywed, I hope that never happens to you. I hope the two of you have that spark 50 years from now. If he is your true soulmate then you will NEVER need to "work" things out or have marriage counselling.

It disgusts me how many of the comments here rationalize and excuse cheating on your spouse. Lets get it straight here and now: there is nothing that anyone can do to justify cheating on them. Absolutely nothing. If they cheat on you, then get a divorce. I just dont understand how some of you can think cheating isnt a bad thing. It only goes to show how morality and decent values have declined in this country.

The "spark" fades between 4 and 8 years after the relationship was begun thanks to the drop in the elevated dopamine levels that your partner used to inspire. This is the point at which the relationship will break up if it has no foundation beyond brain chemistry, such as a genuine friendship and good communication skills. It's really not your fault if you fall out of love; as unromantic as it sounds, chemistry plays a large part in all this.

Absolutely dopamine, chemistry does play a BIG part in keeping a marriage together and Jenna I dont justify cheating but it happens all the time when 2 people dont connect. I agree get a divorce because when it gets down to actually cheating its not fair to your partner who could be out there finding a "true" partner. What I have a problem with is people trying to work things out when its just not there. Its a waste of time and wishful thinking on the partner that cant let go.

pixie, I am in a marriage of 21 years that has survived many ups and downs. Unlike many who have commented here we still have a very active and healthy sex life. However, we are two honest people who are set in our ways and so we occasionally disagree. That doesnt mean we arent "soulmates" as you wrongly suggest. When you have been in a relationship with someone that long you will have disagreements from time to time, and it is completely natural and normal. Yes, it does take work to iron these out so that they do not fester into something bigger that overwhelms the relationship. I would say that any couple that has been married for any significant length of time (more than 10 years) and not had an argument is either not being honest, or, (sadly) arent being honest with one another. A few disagreements and misunderstandings are normal in any marriage and/ or good healthy relationship. Communication is the key here, and if more people didnt just give up and tried to talk we wouldnt see see such a high divorce rate

Been There, Of course disagreements are normal in relationships. That has nothing to do with what i'm saying. You indicate to me that your spouse may have cheated on you at one time or the other(The reason i say that is because of your post name), and you're still together with a active/healthy sex life. Wow! Isnt that something.

Wrong again pixie, I guess you are pretty used to hearing that by now. No, unlike many who have posted here my spouse and I have been 100% faithful to each other. My handle refers to someone who has been in a strongly committed marriage for 21 years, hence someone who has "been there". I have watched cheap affairs destroy other peoples marriages (friends, relatives, co-workers), and after seeing this and they way the victim of the affair is sometimes blamed (it happens often, and it makes me sick each and every time) I had to say something about it. Still, you wont see me waffling and changing my stand on the issue: an affair is never justifiable nor is it ever something to be condoned. It wrecks marriages, kills friendships and damages the psyche of innocent children. It is a shameful act, and should never be romanticized or deemed acceptable. I know many people whose marriages were saved by therapy, and yes they are soulmates. Sparks may fade but they can be rekindled. So, I must disagree with you once again.

Been There, No I stand by what I say. Wow 100% faithful and you are so defensive about this subject.Hmmmm.You could have fooled me. Sounds to me like you can completely identify with being cheated on. Therapy just makes the couple feel guilty about splitting up and they stay and usually are very unhappy together and no, they are not soulmates. Have no idea where you're coming from. As far as the children. You do not stay together for the sake of the children that really screws kids up and any therapist will tell you that. Staying together for the children are what couples did in the 50"s and it proved to be the WRONG thing to do. You may want to look into that.

It sounds like somebody has a big issue with therapists! So, let me get this straight: any couple who goes to therapy are not soulmates and should just give up on their marriage? Wow, and here I was thinking that people actually went to therapy to SAVE their marriages. I mean, otherwise why would they bother to go? It's not like it's a fun time, and it takes real commitment and courage to go through it. When you make a wedding vow you usually end it with "till death do us part". Of course not everyone can make that kind of commitment to another person, and it takes someone who isnt narcissistic and shallow to show that kind of love, respect and caring for another person. I feel very sorry for those who dont take their vows seriously, but I feel even more sorry for their spouse!

No I have nothing against therapists. Thats fine to go to one to try to save your marriage but it shouldnt get to that point if two people have a strong connection with each other emotionally, sexually & mentally. Lets face it when a couple needs therapy to stay together it must be pretty bad. That is a last resort in my book and you have to wonder...Is this the person I am supposed to be with? Narcissism has nothing to do with this. I mean because you fall out of love(and if that happens it wasnt love at all)means your narcissistic? Not at all. Wanting your spouse to stay with you at any cost when you know they are not in love with you is selfish. That just makes for a sexless empty marriage. Who wants that? When we go into a marriage we hope it will last forever but sometimes it just doesnt unfortunately. So you stay because you made vows to each other!.....well then I guess 80% of the divorced people in this world are narcissistic & selfish.

pixie, I am saddened by your comments, and as I have said before you are still wrong as anyone can be about me. As I said before no one in my marriage has strayed as you advocate, and we are stronger because of it. It's too bad you cant turn your eyes inward and see that being a depraved slut is no way to live your life. I can see that you obviously have established yourself as the other woman many times and don't see any issue with breaking up marriages and families from the way you blame the victim. I can also see that from he way you communicate with others that you have a huge problem with other people, and likely have at least one (or many) personality disorders. Please get some help, as it is readily available for people with these disorders, even though it is obvious that you have a huge problem with therapy and therapists. Try and get over that, as you are sick and need the help. That's what these boards are truly about, and I hope you can help yourself before it's too late.

Calling people names is a bit harsh and immature so, who needs help? I just like putting out my opinions to people that are in So much denial like yourself. The help I can give myself is not posting to people like yourself. Keep on dreaming....................

Pixie, I see you are proving more and more that you are a sociopath by coming on these boards and attacking people who are just trying to help others by sharing their experiences. Seriously, you should take the advice of "been there" and get some help ASAP. Antisocial personality disorder, as well as narcissistic and histrionic personality disorder can all be treated with psychotherapy, which you desperately need.

I was going to put together a response to pixie, but, after reading the brujo's post, I realize that we are just dealing with a sociopathic troll, and I dont feed the trolls. El Brujo was absolutely right to recommend help, because they certainly need it! Besides, therapy is nothing to be scared of, and it shouldnt be looked at as a "last resort", because it isnt like that. Instead it should be viewed as a part of maintaining your mental health: just as you regularly see a physician to take care of your physical health you should regularly see a therapist to take care of your mental health (and couples should do it to maintain the health of their relationship). As with any condition the longer you wait to address it, the worse it will become.

After reading "El Brujo's" response to pixie, I researched sociopaths and what I saw made me take another look at those past posts. It was just like a big checklist and almost as if someone had tailor made a personality disorder that fits them exactly. I am with jenna and see that making any further rebuttals would be pointless to a sociopath. I do hope that pixie gets some help because this is a serious condition that will not go away on it's own. I know pixie has a problem with therapists from the language in those posts, and I hope that can be put aside in order to get healthy. Life is too short and too important not to. Therapy has helped millions get better and I know they can help.

I dont want to single anyone out, but, I would just like to take the opportunity to point out that anyone who feels that they have something bothering them , or, have felt like things "havent been right" to seek help from a local therapist. Psychotherapy may sound scary; but, in reality it can be very healing. All it really involves is talking about the things you have felt and/ or experienced as well as how you have interacted with others. Therapy has been beneficial to many people and could help you. Please, give it a try. If you post your city/ state info I can recommend someone in your area who can help you.

My bf doesn't seem to be interested in sex, he is either too tired, or else I have to initiate it every time. I like to try different positions and even like oral intimacy, but he doesn't seem to want to put a lot of effort into lovemaking. He says he loves me and we get along well outside of the bedroom. He likes cuddling, but I don't get why he doesn't seem more attracted to me?

My husband wont do oral on me, even though I frequently ask him to because I love it so much and it is the only way I can orgasm. He says it's because I have "odors". He also says I am "kinda big" and that most other women he has been with were smaller. His penis isnt small, I have been with guys who were smaller. I dont know what to do.

Lisa: I know what you mean about being too big, as I had guys tell me the same thing. But, guess what? You can get surgery to fix that now! Also, see your doctor, as "odors" are usually a sign of some type of infection. Usually a course of pills can clean that right up and he will be goin south again in no time!

Everyone keeps pointing out that men seem to have less and less desire for sex...

Check their computers. They're looking at porn instead of having sex with you. They're choosing air-brushed photos of unrealistic people over you, and it sucks.

Of course they don't want us after they've been looking at that crap. For starts, they've already pleasured themselves... not to mention we can't measure up to that.

I am noticing a distinct shift. When a woman complains about lack of sex, it is a major issue. There are many different reasons, causes, remedies that mostly involve "fixing" the male problem with a low sex drive. When a woman has a low sex drive, a man is supposed to understand and be supportive. He is supposed to do more work, set an atmosphere, and be patient. It, obviously, is understandable that a woman would not want sex. Now, with sharing of household and parenting duties, woman are more interested in sex and less willing to consider their partners fatigue, stress, and interest. Is it hyorcritical?

Way to go ward.
I'm sensing a theme here.
When women want it and men Dont, "men" are the problem. We dont do enough around the house, or help our wives.

When men want it and women dont..."Men" are again the problem.

If I may paraphrase JFK...
Ask not what your parter can do for you(in bed), ask why YOU can do for your partner (in bed).

You'll be suprised how well that works (in a healthy/semi-healthy relationship anyway).

If it doesn't work...don't cheat, buy some toys. You're modern liberated women, there's no shame in having a sex drive and fulfilling it yourself if your partner isn't willing. Heck, invite your partner to watch. It just might float his (or her) boat.

You last two hit the nail on the head and uncovered one of the biggest double standards between the sexes. The men are wrong if they do and wrong of they dont, and that's one heck of a place to be in a relationship. Modern society puts way too much pressure on men these days: they are supposed to be sensitive, but not too sensitive...they are supposed to be attentive but not too attentive...they are supposed to be smart, but not too smart...they are supposed to be nice, but not too nice...they are supposed to be manly, but not too manly...they are supposed to be aggressive bit not too aggressive...they are supposed to be handsome, but not too handsome...they are supposed to be "big", but not too "big"...they are supposed to be passive, but not too passive...they are supposed to be strong, but not too strong...they are supposed to last a long time, but not too long...etc. etc. etc. No wonder so many women are unhappy...they expect way too much, but dont want to deliver themselves when the time comes.

The last few comments are not adressing people whos partner is not willing to have sex. You might be the best of friends but without sex you are only friends. To make a relationship work people need a good sex life. This is the only way a couple can be connected.

"one of the women" My how shallow your view of relationships are.

Relationships need love, trust, communication and respect. They do not "need" sex. Think about all the women/men out there married to people who are paralized or otherwise do not have "normal" sexual function for whatever reason. Are these couples not connected? Are these relationships destined to fail because there is no sex? No, they aren't. They survive and thrive because of LOVE. Sure sex CAN be great, and can truly add to a relationship, but it by no means "defines" the relationship, and it's lack doesn't END the relationship.

If your partner were to come down with MS, CP, ALS, or any number of serious diseases that limit/impair physical function and Sexual ability. Would you divorce your parter in their time of most need, just because you aren't getting sex? If so, you're not a partner, you're then just a whore. Whore for money, or whore for sex/affection. Still a whore. Love is SOOO much more. Marriage is so much more.

Wow that was harsh - I was talking about relationships where one partner is simply unwilling to have sex. Where sex was once a part of the relationship but is no longer. I agree relationships need respect, trust, communication, and love. There is no need for name calling that is rude and petty.

Lisa: you should see a doctor immediately (if you havent already), as strong vaginal odors can be a symptom of a medical condition.

Hi,

I have read the comments here and it is truly sad to see so many people hurt and dealing with such difficult situations. I have a husband who has a very low sex drive when it involves me, an addiction to porn and a propensity to hit on very young girls ( approx 35 years his junior). I have put up with this for a very long time and hve decided to leave. I am fit and sttractive and have always tried to take care of myself for him. Honestly when these problems become overwhelming what else is can be done? I wish you all the very best.

Erectile dysfunction is a big problem. There are too many people suffering of this sickness and there are many causes to have it: stress, damaged nervous and muscles, tiredness, etc.

But, nowadays we have many solutions to solve this health problem and a man must not be worried about it. I can recommend Viagra and Cialis. They are wonderful products which help you with this problem. Remember that erectile dysfunction is not an issue only for old people. Don't feel ashamed. use Cialis or Viagra. I say this from my own experience.

If you visit this webpage you can find these products at the best price:

http://www.todoenmedicamentos.com

The side effects of many medications can cause ED (high blood pressure, etc.), so check with you doctor if you soldier refuses to salute and go into battle. The little blue pill can do wonders to erect what was no longer standing.

I haven't been able to have an orgasm with my boyfriend during sex for a while. I think it's because I am very upset knowing he's moving for work in a few months and that may be the end of us. I don't know what to do, should I tell him that? Any suggestions?

I broke up with my boyfriend a month ago because h