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Holiday Reconciliations
The holidays are centered around being together with family—sharing time and a meal together. Because it is the family day of the year, when there are estranged family members involved, you tend to feel the hurt and the loss more acutely. Similarly, when there is family for whom you have tremendous anger and hostility, coming together for the holiday can be excruciatingly stressful.
Many family members in this country have had some sort of falling out where they no longer have contact. Many siblings have become estranged, adult children no longer speak to their parents; even ex’s can be completely emotionally separate, despite having children in common.
Siblings are a unique and wonderful relationship. They are your peers, yet your family, and they really get where you come from. But siblings can have a total falling out over care choices for aging parents, fighting over a parent’s will, siding after a parents divorce, or even a slow drift apart after a lack of a bond forming when they grew up. I have seen numerous instances where siblings have not spoken for many years.
Adult children can also have a rupture in their relationship with their parents. They cannot negotiate the changes that occur when the child grows up, and now have different view points from their parent. Sometimes the terms of a divorce are so horrible that former spouses cannot find any kind of relationship, despite having children together. It is true that some relationships are so totally destructive to one or both parties that it is better not to have one at all. However, many more people have split for reasons that could be worked on and bettered if they would let themselves realize how much the relationship matters to them.
Sadly, I have seen many people who, in retrospect, have woken up to realize that they have lost out on an important person in their life and now most of their life has gone by. Don’t let this be you. Siblings, parents, and even ex’s with whom you have shared significant time with or children are valuable and enriching parts of your life. Whether it is something specific you have argued over and become estranged, or whether you have simply drifted apart, there is no better time than the present to work towards reconciliation.
Tips:
1. It is NEVER too late.
Many people stop themselves from trying to either reconcile or make the relationship a better one because they feel it has been so long that there is no hope, or no point, or not worth it. This could not be more untrue. Often it only takes reaching out to the other to “break the ice” and you will be moving toward a relationship. No matter how many years have gone by, there is always room to find your way back.
2. Make the first move. Often anger and pride get in the way of taking the first step. Somebody has to take the first step or nothing ever happens. You would be shocked how often just making the first call or writing the first letter is responded to with, “Oh, I am really glad you called. I have been thinking about you too.” Of course at some point it must be a two way street, and if the other person won’t allow you back in, then it won’t work. It usually has more to do with starting a process then not being able to complete one.
3. Take responsibility for your part. It always takes two to tango and somewhere in what happened, you own part of it. Rather than being defensive or accusatory, own up. This will pave the way for hurt to be overcome and progress forward.
4. Keep the door open. Sometimes the other person may not be able to respond right away to your olive branch. This does not mean that they will never be able to. They may just need to mull over your gesture for a little while and then respond. So if they don’t immediately, try not to get angry and chew them out. Tell them you understand they have to think about it and you are there if they can talk later. If you leave the door open, they may come through later.
5. Discuss stressful issue BEFORE the holiday. If the problem is more that something has been brewing between you, do not leave it until the big day where tension is already high and you will likely blow up on the day and ruin it for everyone. Meet before and discuss the tough issue so it will have at least been discussed and you may be able to put it aside for the holiday and enjoy what you can of each other.
Watch a clip of the segment on TODAY:
Many family members in this country have had some sort of falling out where they no longer have contact. Many siblings have become estranged, adult children no longer speak to their parents; even ex’s can be completely emotionally separate, despite having children in common.
Siblings are a unique and wonderful relationship. They are your peers, yet your family, and they really get where you come from. But siblings can have a total falling out over care choices for aging parents, fighting over a parent’s will, siding after a parents divorce, or even a slow drift apart after a lack of a bond forming when they grew up. I have seen numerous instances where siblings have not spoken for many years.
Adult children can also have a rupture in their relationship with their parents. They cannot negotiate the changes that occur when the child grows up, and now have different view points from their parent. Sometimes the terms of a divorce are so horrible that former spouses cannot find any kind of relationship, despite having children together. It is true that some relationships are so totally destructive to one or both parties that it is better not to have one at all. However, many more people have split for reasons that could be worked on and bettered if they would let themselves realize how much the relationship matters to them.
Sadly, I have seen many people who, in retrospect, have woken up to realize that they have lost out on an important person in their life and now most of their life has gone by. Don’t let this be you. Siblings, parents, and even ex’s with whom you have shared significant time with or children are valuable and enriching parts of your life. Whether it is something specific you have argued over and become estranged, or whether you have simply drifted apart, there is no better time than the present to work towards reconciliation.
Tips:
1. It is NEVER too late.
Many people stop themselves from trying to either reconcile or make the relationship a better one because they feel it has been so long that there is no hope, or no point, or not worth it. This could not be more untrue. Often it only takes reaching out to the other to “break the ice” and you will be moving toward a relationship. No matter how many years have gone by, there is always room to find your way back.
2. Make the first move. Often anger and pride get in the way of taking the first step. Somebody has to take the first step or nothing ever happens. You would be shocked how often just making the first call or writing the first letter is responded to with, “Oh, I am really glad you called. I have been thinking about you too.” Of course at some point it must be a two way street, and if the other person won’t allow you back in, then it won’t work. It usually has more to do with starting a process then not being able to complete one.
3. Take responsibility for your part. It always takes two to tango and somewhere in what happened, you own part of it. Rather than being defensive or accusatory, own up. This will pave the way for hurt to be overcome and progress forward.
4. Keep the door open. Sometimes the other person may not be able to respond right away to your olive branch. This does not mean that they will never be able to. They may just need to mull over your gesture for a little while and then respond. So if they don’t immediately, try not to get angry and chew them out. Tell them you understand they have to think about it and you are there if they can talk later. If you leave the door open, they may come through later.
5. Discuss stressful issue BEFORE the holiday. If the problem is more that something has been brewing between you, do not leave it until the big day where tension is already high and you will likely blow up on the day and ruin it for everyone. Meet before and discuss the tough issue so it will have at least been discussed and you may be able to put it aside for the holiday and enjoy what you can of each other.
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I can't believe there are no comments to this post! Come on! You people don't have any family conflict? No family drama? What about mental illnesses? My father was Bi-polar, and an alcoholic. He was a verbally and emotionally abusive, workaholic, who eventually killed himself a couple of years ago. His mind revolved around anniversarys of everything negative. He was tormented by his own mind, but couldn't reach out. I stopped speaking to my sister a couple of years ago, because she is behaving exactly like Dad. Destructive, suicidal and non-functioning. She torments her 3 children, one of which is schitzophrenic,(apologies for spelling?.) She tells her children she hates them and that they ruined her life. She is a compulsive liar.. afraid for people to find out she isn't perfect or have the world by the tail. How do you help someone like that? I know she's sick, but how do I welcome poison in to my life?
My sister in law down right hates me.My brother and I were BEST friends and he has not spoke to me in over 3 years.He has never met his 2 year old niece,I have sent flowers,emails and letters apologizing for things that had to be a misunderstanding on my sister inlaws part for I never had any malicous intent to her for any reason.She truly believes that I am some sort of evil person. I took responsibility for saying& doing things that I did not,I plead with her to end this insanity. Neither of them have ever responded, accept for comments about what I am accused of having said to other family member. My brother says that if his sister and wife cannot get along-he must stand beside his wife.My heart aches at the loss and the split between our families.We live minutes away from each other and pretend that we don't know each other when meet in public. How do you handle that?Just leave the door open?How could anyone not feel anger& bitterness?If anyone has dealt with this and has a solution-I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR IT.
My situation is very similiar to the one posted by R. I haven't seen or spoken to my mom and sister in several months. My wife just cannot get along with them and they can't seem to get along with my wife. They turn ant hills into mountains and they take everything too personal. I have a three year old and a one year old. My three year old is constantly asking me about "Grandma.". It breaks my heart but I feel that I need to stand by my wife. My mom lives in the same city from me. Whenver I go out I feel like i'm going to run into her.
Anyway, I'm going to take the tips posted here and try to reconcile with all of them. Can't they all just get along!?
It's too late for thanksgiving but I do plan on settling everything by Christmas.
Wish me luck!
I'll be spending my day serving at a homeless shelter. I only have a sister left, but she is too abusive and destructive to be around. I have to do exactly as she wants--no questions asked--or suffer verbal and even physical abuse. I have to listen to her preacher husband demand that I repent--but he never gives details--I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or borrow large amounts of money from anyone. I never married though and I am fat, which apparently are unforgivable. They don't want me around their children. They moved and I got only her cell phone number, no home phone or house or email address. Only she can answer the cellphone, and she can screen her calls.
My dying mother said, "Stay away from her, so you can have a life."
So, on Thanksgiving I will be serving other women in a shelter for those who have suffered domestic violence and abuse--I will also provide an empathetic ear.
I am not even sure how to describe my in-laws. My husband's childhood was not a happy one. Stepfather was abusive (stepfather and mom called it discipline), stepmother completely neglicted him (she has her "own" daughter with hubby's dad) and dad never stepped in to help in any way shape or form. Hubby never felt like he had a home to call his own. Well, we now have a very nice home together with 2 kids. We don't get along, not in a sense that we have conflicts but we just have nothing to talk about. They are very judgemental. Well, last Christmas I gave them a taste of their own medicine and I guess they didn't like it. It's always hubby calling to keep in touch. No one from that sides makes any effort. Well, hubby stopped calling. There are some relatives that are just not worth it.
I've read the suggestions and the somments. It seems that the article is slanted toward siblings that have had one or two problems to work out. How about a lifetime of physical and verbal abuse? You suggest I make the first move. I can't think of any reason why I would want to contact my brother so that he can abuse me some more. I saw him last in May and he continued his pattern of abuse. No thanks.
I think there should be another piece of advice - that sometimes there are family members that are so toxic that they are best left alone.
I think there should be another piece of advice - that sometimes there are family members that are so toxic that they are best left alone.
I think there should be another piece of advice - that sometimes there are family members that are so toxic that they are best left alone.
I think there should be another piece of advice - that sometimes there are family members that are so toxic that they are best left alone.
I agree with Kathleen's post(s) about toxic family members. I divorced my bipolar husband five years ago after 35 years of marriage,and we have had little contact since the divorce. Holidays are much quieter now, but I feel bad that we don't have any sort of relationship after so many years together, two adult children, and 4 grandchildren in common. However, I would just be letting everyone in for a lot of hostility and craziness instead of the much less stressful Thanksgiving we enjoy without him there.
And sometimes the payoff for 'reaching out' or 'turning the other cheek' is another snub or slap of disrespect. When my husband says we're to forgive his sibs, I will. But not to make the first move.
I have been estranged from my son and his family for a long time.He was a difficult child and believes that everything that I ever did raising him was wrong.He did not even tell me he was getting married and my parents took my place as tho I didn't want to be a part.My Mother once threatened to throw me and my family out of a house that she had the second mortgage on and my sister complains all the time that I don't help with my parents who are getting older but they won't let me help when I offer.She lives 2 miles from them, I live 3 hours.My daughter-in-law has done her best to separate me from my daughter by telling lies and half truths.My sister ran over people leaving the room when I entered at my Grandmother's funeral.I've written her, appoligized, appropriately cowered and she won't even respond.And the stories that have been told to the extended family are beyond a difference of perspective.I promise I've tried to be as accepting as possible.I'm just sad, tired, and lonely and don't want to hurt anymore.
I've never had any luck with in-laws. First marriage ended due to in-laws and I got tired of their abuse (especially watching them tear apart hubby who sat there and took it) 2nd hubby estranged from his parents - he's tried over the years to make amends but his mom won't have anything to do with him or his two boys - the youngest has never met his grandmother and they have repeatedly ignored his letters to them. Hubby is now in the hospital with cancer - I sent a note to his parents - enclosed party invitations for their use & promised to let them know when they can come dance on his grave. His sister called me at the hospital to rebuke me for being mean to old people. I told her that her parents weren't just old, but old and nasty - the type who live long lives out of spite.
A thanksgiving message to all of you: DON'T GIVE UP HOPE....
After living a lonely 9 years away from family (closest extended family has been 5 hours away) my husband got an excellent job in N. California near his family. My family is rather estranged and takes a lot of effort on my part to get everyone together. They are one of those weddings and funerals family (the times when everyone sees one another). My husband's family, on the other hand, is much closer and although is far from perfect, everyone has each other's back.
It is especially good for my DD who is an only child.
In our society where many professionals live far from family, I think it is best to compromise on money and position if necessary to live closer to home. It truly is where the heart lies. Happy holidays!
Theresa
However, I want to comment that those with toxic family members due to mental illness, drugs, or alchohol are best to stay clear until they recover. These folks can ruin current marriages and family relationships. Call them occassionally to show you care, but other than that, they need to stay on their meds or go to a treatment facility before they can be welcome. Many times these folks have ruined their lives and can't wait to bring others down as well.
Peace out.
Theresa
Adult children.......you just don't know what it does to a parent who has been there for you through anything and everything for you to ignore them, scream at them, hang up on them or not talk to them. Please think twice before stepping all over the people who have known you longer than anyone and been there to pick up the pieces. I'm not talking about parents who are abusive or crazy. I'm talking about adult children who for whatever reason have good parents and if a parent suggest something they don't like, they cut the parent off. There is a reason you are an adult now.......please let's all act like adults and not children. We only have so long in this world (and we don't know how long)....to creare grief in the life of one who raised you does not seem to me to be a productive use of time. It's not good for the person doing it either, as it gives no one any peace.
Adult children.......you just don't know what it does to a parent who has been there for you through anything and everything for you to ignore them, scream at them, hang up on them or not talk to them. Please think twice before stepping all over the people who have known you longer than anyone and been there to pick up the pieces. I'm not talking about parents who are abusive or crazy. I'm talking about adult children who for whatever reason have good parents and if a parent suggest something they don't like, they cut the parent off. There is a reason you are an adult now.......please let's all act like adults and not children. We only have so long in this world (and we don't know how long)....to creare grief in the life of one who raised you does not seem to me to be a productive use of time. It's not good for the person doing it either, as it gives no one any peace.
Also........don't be spiteful even if others are. The person who sent out party invitations to dance on the grave....that will never get you anywhere and will only hurt more people in more ways. It will just add to the bitterness. Someone has to be adult enough to reach out and start the healing, even if the other party does not cooperate. For goodness sake people, these are your FAMILY! Your parents, who stayed up all night when you were sick and never complained a bit.
It can help YOU to take the high road even if the other person or people don't. Seriously!!!
Also........don't be spiteful even if others are. The person who sent out party invitations to dance on the grave....that will never get you anywhere and will only hurt more people in more ways. It will just add to the bitterness. Someone has to be adult enough to reach out and start the healing, even if the other party does not cooperate. For goodness sake people, these are your FAMILY! Your parents, who stayed up all night when you were sick and never complained a bit.
It can help YOU to take the high road even if the other person or people don't. Seriously!!!
Thanksgiving is about reconciliation. We need to put an end to hurting each other and holding grudges. Reach out to that person and tell them you LOVE them, even if only for your own mental health. One day they won't be there any longer for you to tell them you love them
Thanksgiving is about reconciliation. We need to put an end to hurting each other and holding grudges. Reach out to that person and tell them you LOVE them, even if only for your own mental health. One day they won't be there any longer for you to tell them you love them.
My husband has always sided with his family over me-like I was some sort of hired servant. Husband's brother and wife came to my fathers wake and stepped aside when they got to me so as not to have to speak. MIL made them come (guess she could not make them be nice). Now FIL is dying of cancer-family gathering around except for me. All the entire family has ever wanted out of me was hard work and my money. So I quit work-only spend my money on myself and guess what. They don't like me no more. Well they can all take a flying leap for all I care. I enjoy my holidays a heck of a lot better home alone than with that bunch. And as soon as I can I am getting a divorce. Sadly I live in a community property state and I am trying to hide assests. What I have is none of his business and I sure as heck ain't giving him one red cent. Surely there is an orphan out there somewhere who would like me.
I'm all for reconciliation, however, there are times that I think some relationships are better off left un-reconciled. My father and I haven't spoken since I married my husband and he could never accept our lives as we choose to lead it. Reconciling with him would cause more harm than good.
Well, Thanksgiving went well..Friday sucked..I am helping my mom and living with here..She is 83 and I am 62. It worked well until we moved near her sister..who thinks i need another job..I have 3..livng in MI in a depressed economy..What my aunt doesn't know is my mom is a gambler..There are 25.00 in losing tickets on the computer. (I pd for them not intentionally,) but I try to make sure my mother has some cash on her..NEED HELP!! I don't think I can live here any more..ANYBODY OUT?? Help..Sign me desperate..
Had a great holiday this year because we didnt go to my in-laws. I agree with all of you that some folks are too toxic. My wifes father abused her physically when she was growing up, and she still always wanted to spend the holidays with him. Her stepmom verbally abused her and always slandered her real mom at every opportunity. My wife would get physically ill every time we went over there. Well, we stayed home this year and we were all better for it: we had a great meal and nobody got sick. My wife has finally wised up and is leaving her toxic parents behind...something she should have done many years ago. I dont mind because they never liked me anyway. These are truly horrible human beings, and even if they are family there is a time when you must let go.
I happened to be reading this article yesterday and was thinking about writing my mother in-law and squashing the past. To my surprise she was trying to get in touch with me to do the same thing. She tried calling my soon to be ex-husband, my home and job. When I came home yesterday during lunch I realized that she had called and surely thought it was a mistake, called my husband and he informed me she was needing to speak with me. Long story short, we were able to getin touch with one another and atleast ask for forgiveness. I feel it was a huge step on her part and also on mine for being receptive and not dismissing her apology. I look forward to taking my children around their grandparents more often, especially with the Christmas holiday at hand.----Thank you for the much needed advise, God really does work in mysterious ways!!!
I do not speak with any of my family. My mother lived with me in our family home we had purchased from her and my father, after 2 failed businesses we lost the home in foreclosure. My family hates me and I really don't miss all the drama. No other family member ever stepped up to help out and told me "tough, she is your problem now" I took care of her for 10 years and now I am the "bad daughter" I don't want to reconcile to be honest, too much drama and my mother has always played her kids against the others. They are all game players and I don't miss it.
I sadly entered this holiday after my Sis passed away. Her family are at odds about how to deal with her death. But the way she dealed with my Moms death and My fathers was not much different than my nieces actions. They all seem to feel that my niece should have been there at her side while she was sick. But the truth is my sister was not really there when my Dad was ill or my mom was sick. The ordeal was hard for her and she asked not to be involved accept for thoughts and prayers. We were just kids and to us it was like our world collapsed. We never questioned her when she wanted to move as far away as possible and raise a family. For us we were just glad that one of us did not have to go through what we were going through. We lived through her letters and shared bits at all the family functions as we explained to others why she was not around. Always there in spirit or a phone call, we needed her help. I hope her kids know that,An apple does not fall far from a tree or judge another person is only how you are
I've seen enough toxic familys to know how glad I am to be distant from the abuse. Better to be a black sheep, than an abused dog.
Told my relatives to "F.O." this year and absolutely loved it! I can hardly wait until next year to tell them off again!
What about rifts between friends? I have a friend who suddenly stopped calling so often. Then ripped me a new one (in a bar) because she didn't like the way I acted in Book Club. (I didn't read the last book, or I send too many emails suggesting books, or I care more about the books than socializing.) She never apologized, but I forgave her anyway. Few weeks later, she hung up on me while we were trying to figure out theater tickets. She didn't return my calls, and hasn't responded to an email saying "How are you? I miss talking to you."
I've cried over the loss -- it's so confusing, we were Lucy and Ethel one minute, and the next minute, she seems to absolutely detest me, over seemingly minor stuff.
Is she a toxic friend I should distance myself from? Or is this a treasured friend I shouldn't let slip away just because she sometimes loses her temper and treats me like a b***h?
I agree with Dr Saltz and have found Dr Coleman's book,WHEN PARENTS HURT, which was featured this morning on the show to be a huge help in healing family rifts
Great article! I especially love the part where the Dr. says "Take responsibility for your part"! My mother is angry with my Grandmother for stuff that's happened YEEEEEARS ago! My mother's been hurt and she does and says things to try to hurt and manipulate others because of it (misery loves company). I pray every day that she can let it go and move forward. I'd gotten my mother a book called "Bait of Satan" by John Bevere in the hopes that it would help her release all of her bitterness. I began reading it and I CANNOT PUT IT DOWN! It's absolutely brilliant! (Don't take my word for it; check out some reviews online!) I believe that we're all responding to this article because we've either been offended or have offended someone else or...well, we're responding cos this article has struck a chord and we can all relate in some way, shape or form. Please! Do yourselves a favor and read this book and then share it with others! Bait of Satan by John Bevere. Y'all can thank me later! :) Peace & blessings