What happens when one person see's the need for help and the other person say we have no money as it is,Or that person doesn't want to see that there is issues that have torn the marrage apart..Last question what happens when your spouse say's I suck at emotional support go see a Dr...

I am the one that needs fixing - not my husband. This is an ongoing problem - years now on my part of what was/is wrong with me. He'll go to counseling for me and not for him and I am the cause of all the problems and am being treated for depression - a life long commitment. We've been married for 26 years and that is the only reason so far to save this relationship - according to him. There have been no conversations betweeen the two of us but when I turned to the ex-husband wacko psychologist then my husband wanted to work things out and finally realized he was losing me. His comfortable situation was no longer comfortable. As far as I'm concerned it's over. A move out of my home state left me without friends and contact with them only makes my husband mad. No emails, no phone calls - nothing. Arguments all the time and he wants to be close. I want nothing to do with intimacy and haven't for years now. Counseling is only to fix me which he is very willing to do. I'm done.

It can be really hard to bring up the topic of marriage counseling with your husband or wife. A good first step could be suggesting a book both partners can read.

After researching around for the best marriage counseling books, I came across "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" which got some of the top reviews: http://www.buzzillions.com/prd-329251-the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work-reviews/. I decided to give it a try after reading this person's comment on the book, "This is a must read -- especially for couples with difficult marriages -- but it wouldn't hurt even "happily married" couples to review this book occasionally. Some great exercises to open lines of communication and get a handle on the current state of your relationship. This book is based on valid research -- not just opinion."

You're assuming the other partner reads! I watched this little interview and thought wow, I've got all five issues in my marriage. We've been married 21 years, I don't think there'll be a 22nd. It's just unhealthy for both of us and I'd rather be happy, healthy, and single. :-) The best part of the interview? Hearing that yup, some things are beyond saving, so move on!

When I got married I was willing to put aside my singleness for married team efforts. I was introduced to another man once we exchanged vows. Secretive, untruthful, misleading, verbally abusive. Since it is a 2nd marraige for us both, we'd decided to stay married for 5 years to give ourselves a true try.
I have been wanting to leave for 4 years. I have kids, I needed to be sure, and I neede him to be just as tired of this marriage as I. He will give me a divorce if I agree to a separation first.
We have had 5 years of a dry patch and yes we dated 3 years before getting married.

My husband and I should really go to counseling. We have a lot of issues that need to be sorted out by a professional. I have gone to counseling on my own, but I feel like both counselors didn't really help me. They were both lovely people, but I didn't get any resolution to the issues I brought to them.

The second time I went to therapy was last year. I wanted to make sure that I took care of what I was doing to my marriage before I started anything to end it. The counselor told me that I should just "let the ship sink" and just see if my husband would step up. Well, my children are on that ship. I am very frustrated. I want to got to marriage counseling. I want my husband to go. I would like to either resolve our differences or figure out how to live apart gracefully.

How do you find a GOOD counselor? I have asked my friends, but so far, no one knows any one who's good and REALLY helped them. Is there a referral service or website? I live in Oklahoma. I would really appreciate some help with this! Thank you

Lovely blog, lovely work on the Today Show. .... Love the new (hair) do. I think it would work for me -- especially on rainy days as my hair won't stay sleek in high humidity. Would love to know if it is a perm or hot rollers, or whatever. Thank you.

My husband and I want to go for marriage counseling, we live in Homestead Florida, can you recommend someone in that area?

KFB: I have walked in your shoes!
My ex-husband insisted I needed to be
"fixed" when I expressed unhappiness with the marriage. He was (and is) a workaholic; he insisted we'd have time upon retirement! (Hah!) When I did go to counseling on my own and it was made clear he needed to be there, he did attend, certain that he'd be vindicated! But he was not! He
fought (!) with the therapist we both saw for about six months as she pointed out his short-comings, too. He was never convinced he needed to change anything. But he didn't want to lose his housekeeper, cook, child care worker, social organizer, and occasional sex partner. I finally pulled the plug on the marriage and am now almost 10 years single, free, happy and calm again. It does take two who are *willing* to make a relationship and marriage work. If your husband is like my ex and you are the only one with responsibility, it will not ever work.

Well of COURSE it's the woman who needs "counseling". Or drugs for depression. Or "fixing"... it's all the same BS meaning they (guys) do NOT take responsibility for their part of the relationship.
And for the record, it ain't about being "HAPPY". That's crap. "HAPPY" is not guaranteed, and if all you're looking for is to be "HAPPY" then leave reality and be "HAPPY" in your fairy tale world. In the real world, it ain't about "HAPPY".
It's about committed to each other, not yourself. It's about being there for each other, not yourself. It's about being more concerned with your partner's needs/wants/desires/dreams/ hopes as you are with yours. It's about working together to build a life together having fun together and facing adversity together. It ain't all "HAPPY".
I would rather live in abject financial poverty than the emotional, spiritual, sexual and marital poverty that was marriage to my selfish f'ing pig of an ex-husband.
And when you get to that point, you leave. And you turn out fine.

C'mon Meg...lets not turn this into a sexist rant...men and women both are equally responsible for tearing marriages apart and there is no reason to attack any one gender over another and lay all responsibility on men. I am sorry your marriage didnt work out though...my first marriage didnt either because my wife ran away with another man because she felt "trapped", and felt she didnt need counseling. She did lots of other things, and I was better off without her. Years later I am now in a strong marriage and happy. I wish the same for you.

I really appreciate this discussion. I feel as if I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place/26 years of marriage (how long of it have I been unhappy?) and my own sanity and some semblance of my happiness. I have worked to achieve a togetherness but when the other half refused to help me through a difficult time years ago I became all for me and my sons. He doesn't understand that and says I did not invite him to counseling. Basically I've been on my own emotionally for a long time. I'm to put the past behind me and move forward. Difficult when there has only been me to turn to in reference to my own emotional stability.

I've only been married about a 18 months but it already seems to be going down hill. We were both in Iraq so I only saw him for 2 weeks in the last year. We're back now, and he's put himself in for training so he'll be home for about 6 weeks before he deploys again in a year. We talk less than 10 min a day and I feel like my only purpose in the relationship is for sex and to pay bills. I also think he cheated, but am giving him the benefit of the doubt on that one.

What do you do when you have children and your relationship with your husband is more like living with a roommate? We do not fight all the time but he is either at work, at home working, at the gym or asleep. We just exist and when I try to discuss it with him, he just says it is where we are right now with the children. REALLY... I don't think so.....

I know waht you are going through kfb. Your situation very much echoes my own. I'm almost 10 yrs married and think about leaving my husband frequently. I am also away from my family and friends; no support system. There are my kids to consider. I would like to go to counseling, but it'll be a one sided effort and I know he will be furious even for me to suggest it. I consider living just as roommates until my kids are old enough and then make my move. But at times, it is quite unbearable.

Here's the solution --
1. Start your own bank account - that he has no knowledge of. Put every freaking nickel into it you can, for as long as you can, before you leave.
2. Clean out as much of the joint accounts as you can. At the last possible minute. In cash.
3. Take your stuff. Only your stuff.
4. Break some of his stuff. Only the stuff he really likes.
5. Leave.
6. Move on with your life.
7. Read the book "It's (mostly) His Fault" and realize that, yes, it IS mostly his fault because you did everything you could think of, and things other people thought of, and things your counselor thought of, and things your priest/pastor thought of, and none of it mattered because it WASN'T YOUR PROBLEM TO FIX - IT IS HIS PROBLEM and you can't fix someone else's problem.
You are valuable. You are loveable. You are smart. You are funny. You are beautiful. You are witty. You are wise. You have friends. You ARE loved.
Go get your life.
But have your $ in order first.
Trust me.
Trust yourself.

My husband recently admitted to an affair that happened 10 years ago, we've been married 20. Other than that our marriage is good, but he is still friends with this person am I crazy to tell him that they should not be friends because it's like him spitting in my face about what he did.

I too am in what I describe as a empty marriage. 12 years, 2 kids, no money and very lonely. My husband and I come from 2 different backgrounds and it has posed a problem in every aspect of our marriage. Our interests are not the same and he has no desire in ever try anything new/different. So I feel frustrated. I realized 2 years and almost 2 babies in that this wasn't good. I kept hoping things would change but here I am feeling regretful and lost. We approach life differently. Because he grew up poor, "basic" living is all he needs to be happy. We've never vacationed. We struggle to make ends meet. I don't enjoy conversation with him. I love him but I am not in-love with him. I resent him because he's never tried to do anything different in terms of career or income (he works on a commission basis). I work full-time and maintain 95% of the household functions. I'm tired and my 2 daughters have become my best friends and my husband is more like a roommate. This is so out of order.

To Confused: It is not wrong for you to ask your husband to end his friendship with the other woman. He actually shouldn't want to be friends with her. If this friendship is a source of pain for you then your husband should want to end it so that you can completely heal. You deserve this respect and much more. I'll be praying for your strength!

Smurf said:
Smurf said:
I have been married for 22yrs and for 22yrs my husband acted extrodinarily loving and wonderful to me. My husband is 44yrs and I am 43yrs old. A week prior to this past valentines day he was telling our three lovely children 22yrs, 20yrs and 16yrs old how excited he was about the valentine gift he was making for me. He even solicited the three of them to help him. Needless to say just a meer one week later he tells me that he met a 51 yr old half black/Indian woman on line, chatted for a week, met up and had sex on the day they met and that he didn't want to be married any more. He told me this person he slept with has never been married, and has no desire to be married, has children by other men and is a grandmother. What a sleeze! When I asked him how he knows that she isn't doing this very same thing with other men he says because "she told him she isn't". Like you can tell someone is telling the truth after one week on the internet and a night of sex on the first day you meet. He also said this woman knows he is married with children but that she doesn't care. Obviously this person has no morals. She has probably tought her own children and grandchildren these same morals. He further tells me that he has been looking and meeting up with other women for 21 or our 22yrs of marriage together but that he never had sex with any of them because when he tried to have sex with them none of them were interested, this women he is with now is the first woman he has met up with in 22yrs who was interested in sleeping with him. I feel that he only stayed with me because he couldn't find anyone else so to find someone else he lowered his standards and found this woman. The thing is; I don't mean to sound conceited cause I am not, but I am hot, I am 5' tall, and weight 100lbs, I work out every single day and I look at least 15yrs younger than I am. I am also successful as a nurse. He states his reason is because he needs Intimacy, attention and of course SEX! Our kids and I agree that he has been getting plenty of attention. As far as sex goes; the truth is that he is extremely small both in length and width, and has never been able to make up for that in other ways. He also has premature ejaculation and can't stay hard afterward. He tried to please me with oral sex but he would not shave prior to and he would make my vaginal area so raw that I would bleed and be sore for days. He simply wasn't courteous in the bedroom but expected me to continue to put out for him. Our kids are extremely angry about this as they say he is not the man he has lead us all to believe he is. He spent 22 years preaching to our sons to "respect" women, all the while disrespecting their mother. Our daughter tells me that she loves the man he once was or the man she thought he was but that she doesn't love the man he is showing us he really is and has been. Its a sad situation. My lawyer says he is going through a midlife crisis. Needless to say when his crisis is over he will be all alone as I won't take him back because our children have made it clear they will have little respect for me if I do. What would you do in this situation?

March 5, 2008 12:50 PM
Smurf said:
By the way, for those of you married woman who live in Woodbridge, VA hold on tight to your husbands cause this same woman may tear your family apart as it's obvious she is in it for the thrill of destroying other peoples lives. This is something a young woman may do at 20 not at 51. It's called immaturity at 51yrs old.

March 5, 2008 4:55 PM

Sorry to hear about your situation Smurf. Sadly there are women out there who don't give a shit if they steal a husband and father from his family. Hopefully all the homewreckers in the world will have the same thing happen to them. I have seen this happen to people I've known and in the end "what goes around comes around." really does happen. She will dump him when she gets bored with him and find another online friend. He will be alone and crying when the reality of what he gave up comes crashing down on him. He has lost the respect of his children and gave up any chance to be seen in thier eyes as a man of integrity. Yea men go thru a midlife crisis, have an affair and give up everything for a new piece of booty. STUPID IDIOTS.

I been married 5 years. During our 2nd year of marriage I cheated on my wife. She found out and eventually took me back on the agreement that we would forget about the past. Until today she has not forgotten about the pass and whenever there is an argument she brings back the past. We argue daily and both agree we are only together because of the kids, two of them. I have tried to leave because we are just not happy, but it is hell. We went to therapy after the infidelity and it was suggested we got a divorce. We are going to therapy again, but at this point how much can we actually take. When is enough, enough. I need to be myself already.

It can be really hard to bring up the topic of marriage counseling with your husband or wife. A good first step could be suggesting a book both partners can read.After researching around for the best marriage counseling books, I came across "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work".
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johnson789
Addiction Recovery Florida

Addiction Recovery Florida

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