On the Couch with Gail Saltz, M.D. | A Mental Health Blog at iVillage.com
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Are You Lonely In Your Marriage?
Most women I see tell me they are happy that they found someone special and are married because they would not want to be alone. What’s more curious, however, is how many women tell me that they really feel lonely IN their marriage. As hard as it is to feel lonely when you have no significant other, it is even more emotionally difficult when you do have a partner and you feel lonely anyway. When you are single, you at least have the fantasy that one day you’ll meet someone and not be lonely. But when you are married, your loneliness feels infinite and hopeless. You wonder, is it me, is it him or is it us?
What is loneliness?
Married or not, everyone has some time they spend alone. But not everyone enjoys it. The fact is to some degree we are all alone, in that no one can ever be at one with us “really”. On the other hand, metaphorically, we can feel at one with someone for periods of very intimate time. This happens in great friendships and great marriages. Still, even with your soul mate, there are times you will be alone. Alone simply means no other human being is with you. Alone time can even be intensely enjoyable if it is experienced as a freedom to do what you want and if you have the self confidence to think that your own company is pretty darn good. Loneliness is a feeling of emptiness, abandonment and rejection. You do not need to be alone to feel lonely and lonely is not a good feeling.
Watch the segment from TODAY
What is loneliness?
Married or not, everyone has some time they spend alone. But not everyone enjoys it. The fact is to some degree we are all alone, in that no one can ever be at one with us “really”. On the other hand, metaphorically, we can feel at one with someone for periods of very intimate time. This happens in great friendships and great marriages. Still, even with your soul mate, there are times you will be alone. Alone simply means no other human being is with you. Alone time can even be intensely enjoyable if it is experienced as a freedom to do what you want and if you have the self confidence to think that your own company is pretty darn good. Loneliness is a feeling of emptiness, abandonment and rejection. You do not need to be alone to feel lonely and lonely is not a good feeling.
Why you might be lonely in your marriage.
With our ever increasing global economy, more and more people have to travel as part of their job. A lot of separation from ones spouse will of course leave you feeling lonely. Whether it is a husband in the military service or your need to make business trips, too much time alone is very hard on a marriage. This is stating the obvious. What isn’t so obvious is the many women who feel lonely with their husband close by.
In the courtship phase of a relationship couples tend to be very forthcoming in expressing their feelings of affection, of desire and of pleasure in being together. This often lasts through the first year or two of marriage. Then the settling into the relationship takes place and with it, taking for granted that the other person knows you care. In addition, it comes from working to build a financial future and often kids. Now many things compete for your attention which makes you both need more attention and feel like giving less. Not a great combination. I hear many women describing a marriage that sounds more like teammates in a military operation than a loving couple. The functional parts of the partnership like whose going to get the groceries, feed the kids, pick them up etc. becomes the marriage. Even when a woman does sit down with her husband it’s to zone out in front of the TV. She often wants to talk, but he wants to watch the game. The distance grows and soon she feels like she’s alone while she’s sitting next to him.
Developmental changes in a marriage also tend to bring up loneliness. You get so many new intense feelings when you become a new parent, when your children grow up and leave home, when you retire and you really want to share those feelings and be understood. This requires allowing yourself to be vulnerable because, of course, your spouse may feel differently than you do. As a result sometimes neither party will venture out with what they are experiencing and the distance grows between them. Some of these developmental milestones remove other people in your life who may have been filling a void (like your children or your colleagues). As a result what you are missing in your marriage becomes more apparent and you feel lonely.
Women communicate differently then men. Girlfriends tend to bond over
very emotional content, whereas men tend to bond over shared
activities. Many women tell me that they really wish their husbands
would talk to them like their girlfriends. In fact, they expect this
kind of communication and then feel disappointed, rejected and lonely
when it’s just not the same. They end up feeling that if they share
their fears and dreams, he won’t really get it in any kind of deep and
meaningful way. Some men are not as emotionally communicative as
others. This is not the same as the man who either doesn’t notice when
something is really up with you or worse yet, doesn’t care. The above
reasons women feel lonely are really a part of the normal course of
relationships. Not that anyone should settle for feeling lonely in
their marriage. I am simply saying that these are normal bumps in the
road that you need to and can contend with.
Much more problematic is when you feel lonely and isolated because in fact, you are under emotional attack. If he criticizes you often, belittles you, tells you that you are nothing without him and threatens to leave or hurt you, then this is emotional abuse. In this setting it’s not unusual for the same man to isolate you from friends and family in order to keep control over the relationship. This is lonely and frightening. This is a relationship you need to get out of.
Lastly, but certainly not least, is the woman who really cannot tolerate being alone. I see women who need company constantly and who feel scared and rejected when they aren’t with someone. This woman for any variety of reasons has very low self esteem and without feeling attached to someone else they experience their feelings of worthlessness full on.
What to do about loneliness.
While there may not be anything “wrong” with you or your relationship if you feel lonely, there still can be plenty you can do about it. First, you have to give attention to get attention. Many couples fall into a “Mexican standoff” of waiting for the other one to make the emotional first move. If your husband isn’t holding your hand, then take his. Tell him you really like it when you snuggle up in bed and talk. Ask him what is on his mind, how he envisions his career going, who is being a pain at work, where he sees his life in five years and in ten. Give him the same kind of attention and interaction you’d like to receive. Be a model of the change. Then ask him to do the same for you. He may not realize what’s missing for you and the more specific you can be about your needs; the more likely you are to get what you want.
In addition to going to him to get more from the marriage you also can improve the marriage by finding satisfaction on your own. Allowing for some separate time for each of you to explore what interests you can actually be very stimulating for you both when you later come back together. By nurturing some independence, you build your own confidence and will feel less needy. This “self-possession” will translate into a partner that each of you want to know more about and have fun with. Similarly, nurturing a social life of your own with friends will help you feel less lonely. What you share with women friends can be a deep meeting of the minds. Many women find that friends are really on the same page they are and provide very gratifying understanding. This is not instead of your spouse; it’s simply in addition and will leave you feeling less alone. On the other hand it is extremely important to be able to enjoy some alone time. If you really never enjoy being alone this is a project worth undertaking. Make a list of things you might like to do alone like reading, gardening, painting, listening to music…then go through each and give it a try.
Interestingly, the more you “practice” this skill, the more you will feel comfortable with it. Learning to enjoy your own company is a necessary first step to diminishing loneliness whether it’s by yourself or with your partner.
Three Things to say to him.
Please remember that when you post a comment to this blog, your comment and the name under which you submit it may be viewed by the public.
With our ever increasing global economy, more and more people have to travel as part of their job. A lot of separation from ones spouse will of course leave you feeling lonely. Whether it is a husband in the military service or your need to make business trips, too much time alone is very hard on a marriage. This is stating the obvious. What isn’t so obvious is the many women who feel lonely with their husband close by.
In the courtship phase of a relationship couples tend to be very forthcoming in expressing their feelings of affection, of desire and of pleasure in being together. This often lasts through the first year or two of marriage. Then the settling into the relationship takes place and with it, taking for granted that the other person knows you care. In addition, it comes from working to build a financial future and often kids. Now many things compete for your attention which makes you both need more attention and feel like giving less. Not a great combination. I hear many women describing a marriage that sounds more like teammates in a military operation than a loving couple. The functional parts of the partnership like whose going to get the groceries, feed the kids, pick them up etc. becomes the marriage. Even when a woman does sit down with her husband it’s to zone out in front of the TV. She often wants to talk, but he wants to watch the game. The distance grows and soon she feels like she’s alone while she’s sitting next to him.
Developmental changes in a marriage also tend to bring up loneliness. You get so many new intense feelings when you become a new parent, when your children grow up and leave home, when you retire and you really want to share those feelings and be understood. This requires allowing yourself to be vulnerable because, of course, your spouse may feel differently than you do. As a result sometimes neither party will venture out with what they are experiencing and the distance grows between them. Some of these developmental milestones remove other people in your life who may have been filling a void (like your children or your colleagues). As a result what you are missing in your marriage becomes more apparent and you feel lonely.
Women communicate differently then men. Girlfriends tend to bond over
very emotional content, whereas men tend to bond over shared
activities. Many women tell me that they really wish their husbands
would talk to them like their girlfriends. In fact, they expect this
kind of communication and then feel disappointed, rejected and lonely
when it’s just not the same. They end up feeling that if they share
their fears and dreams, he won’t really get it in any kind of deep and
meaningful way. Some men are not as emotionally communicative as
others. This is not the same as the man who either doesn’t notice when
something is really up with you or worse yet, doesn’t care. The above
reasons women feel lonely are really a part of the normal course of
relationships. Not that anyone should settle for feeling lonely in
their marriage. I am simply saying that these are normal bumps in the
road that you need to and can contend with.Much more problematic is when you feel lonely and isolated because in fact, you are under emotional attack. If he criticizes you often, belittles you, tells you that you are nothing without him and threatens to leave or hurt you, then this is emotional abuse. In this setting it’s not unusual for the same man to isolate you from friends and family in order to keep control over the relationship. This is lonely and frightening. This is a relationship you need to get out of.
Lastly, but certainly not least, is the woman who really cannot tolerate being alone. I see women who need company constantly and who feel scared and rejected when they aren’t with someone. This woman for any variety of reasons has very low self esteem and without feeling attached to someone else they experience their feelings of worthlessness full on.
What to do about loneliness.
While there may not be anything “wrong” with you or your relationship if you feel lonely, there still can be plenty you can do about it. First, you have to give attention to get attention. Many couples fall into a “Mexican standoff” of waiting for the other one to make the emotional first move. If your husband isn’t holding your hand, then take his. Tell him you really like it when you snuggle up in bed and talk. Ask him what is on his mind, how he envisions his career going, who is being a pain at work, where he sees his life in five years and in ten. Give him the same kind of attention and interaction you’d like to receive. Be a model of the change. Then ask him to do the same for you. He may not realize what’s missing for you and the more specific you can be about your needs; the more likely you are to get what you want.
In addition to going to him to get more from the marriage you also can improve the marriage by finding satisfaction on your own. Allowing for some separate time for each of you to explore what interests you can actually be very stimulating for you both when you later come back together. By nurturing some independence, you build your own confidence and will feel less needy. This “self-possession” will translate into a partner that each of you want to know more about and have fun with. Similarly, nurturing a social life of your own with friends will help you feel less lonely. What you share with women friends can be a deep meeting of the minds. Many women find that friends are really on the same page they are and provide very gratifying understanding. This is not instead of your spouse; it’s simply in addition and will leave you feeling less alone. On the other hand it is extremely important to be able to enjoy some alone time. If you really never enjoy being alone this is a project worth undertaking. Make a list of things you might like to do alone like reading, gardening, painting, listening to music…then go through each and give it a try.
Interestingly, the more you “practice” this skill, the more you will feel comfortable with it. Learning to enjoy your own company is a necessary first step to diminishing loneliness whether it’s by yourself or with your partner.
Three Things to say to him.
- “I really like it when we cuddle up and talk about…”
- "What would you like to do together…”
- “I miss sharing what we care and dream about…”
Please remember that when you post a comment to this blog, your comment and the name under which you submit it may be viewed by the public.
Yes, when I used to be married. But that's what you get for marrying an alcoholic? He was not there physically/emotionally. Even years after he recovers from alcholism, he was still not there physically and emotionally. I eventually gave up after many, many, many years, too long; I no longer want to care for a man that didn't care for himself, less care for me and our child. Eventually I did forgive him, reconcile with him and that took a couple of years after he was absent from life because all the mental anguish, anger and resentment finally went away and I felt whole again. I finally have full restoration of my soul, my spirit and very much at peace; a place where I once was before I met him. I have not had a relationship with another man since him, I don't feel lonely without him or lonely without a man in my life.
My husband makes me feel alone because he will not respond to my thoughts and feelings. I try to tell him I like when we cuddle....he has no comment. NONE. He says nothing. Once I asked him why he wouldn't attend my sons' activities...he says to me "I dont' have an answer". When he gives me those types of answers, I feel so alone. He makes me just feel emotionally unattached to him.
I can understand everything said in this article and can relate or at least see similarities in it relating to my own life. I have been married 8.5 years and have 3 wonderful children and work part time from home. I think the thing that was addressed here is - what about lonliness because you are together TOO much? My husband wants to spend every free moment with me....that may not sound so bad, but I get very little "free" time to myself. Usually when I do get a little time to myself, I want to do the things that I want to do...or hobbies. He doesn't enjoy those things so I feel like I do my "second favorite" things so he can be involved.
Thanks for listening!
My husband and I get along great...however, he was diagnosed with diabetes and high blood presure. This has "deflated" our sex life. We haven't had sex or any sexaul contact/play in one and a half years. I have suggested sexual play or at least some sexual contact to satisfy my needs (he states that he has lost all interest in sex). I have offered many options in this area, but he continues to tell me that he is just not interested and does not think about sex any more. I understand that with the medical conditions there are changes in the ability to have sex, however, I find it hard to believe that he does not think about sex at all. We have tried Viagra (it did not help), we have Levitra, however he refuses to even attempt to try it. I am very frustrated and am willing to try any suggestions/help in this area. I love my husband very much and we get along in all other areas of our lives, of which I am very thankful. However, this is driving me crazy! Any suggestions?
What if you have a partner that doesn't necessarily belittle you but doesn't really seem to care about your hopes and dreams or thinks that your hopes and dreams are ridiculous but claims to love you more than anything? And the only thing he focuses on in the marriage is sex. Meaning, he only seems happy and we only seem to get along when we are routinely having sex.
This info about going to him if he isn't coming to you, well that is all fine and dandy, but maybe that is a part of the problem, always making the effort and he is not reciprocating. That can make a person feel real "lonely and alone"!!!
Rather than focus on the symptoms, as in "Why isn't he meeting my needs?", it might be useful to think about "What other pressures or priorities are sapping his energy and enthusiasm"? And maybe try to help him with those, rather than adding more.
I'm sure some people may not like what I've said, but that doesn't mean this isn't how some men feel (justified or not). Remember, in emotionsal dealings, perception is - for better or worse - reality.
Ok so what if you have a wonderful man who anyone would be crazy not to want, 2 kids, house and basically the American dream and you are still not happy?? Still feel lonely? I don't go to my husband with things, he is not the first person that I want to tell something too,or share things with. He has never done anything wrong, but just feel lonely. I do love him but how do I know if I'm "in love" ? which is part of the American dream.
Our marriage is too seperate. We are both independant from each other. I try to share things with him but he often rejects this effort. He drinks, I don't. We run in different circles, attend the same meetings but always use different vehicles to get there. After 33 years of tough marriage, we want different things from it. Being together may not be one of them. I'm not independant of him financially but am working on that. He has slowly dissolved me from his life and I from his. I don't go to bars with him. He doesn't attend meetings I go to. Our 3 children have become used to our disagreements on everything from where to buy gas to where we go on vacations to where to hang coats or where to store spices. Often I feel the coloquillism "It's my way or the highway" is a rule of thumb in our house, where it is HIS thumb that he demands be obeyed. My choices don't matter to him anymore. And I'm sick of seeing him flirting with other women in bars. Perhaps the author should reflect on walking in other peoples shoes (sorry for the corny line) before suggesting that "By nurturing some independence, you build your own confidence and will feel less needy". Independence needs a delicate balance before it becomes the norm.
Yes. My 10 yr marriage is great. We enjoy each others company, but it seems that "men" in general just don't communicate like women. Sometimes the romance is minimal and I feel like most women might...we want more of a connection in our relationship. But then on the other hand...I feel that in a marriage, men and women should have their own hobbies, friends outside the marriage. Having that independence is important since we are individuals. I don't want to rely on my husband for everything. So if something happens to him (god forbid) I'd be lost.
Its easy for me to get lonely in the marriage if the intimacy is gone and if there's stresses with the kids, job, finances. But naturally there's ups and downs we all experience and thats what life is all about!
Communication. Independence.
I've been married for 11 years and this last year almost divorced. I had no idea we weren't "communicating". "Hi, honey, how was your day?" "Fine. You?" "Fine." Idle chatter is not communication. Air grievances, talk about dreams (you have to dream some up first), just talk! "The 5 Love Languages" is a good book about communication. Next is independence. I just found out that I don't have to be in the same room, waiting on him to want something or need something, waiting by the phone for him to call...don't make your own resentment! Get a hobby or find an interest that does not involve him. A woman needs her own "space". Really. The old adage, "If Mama ain't happy then nobody's happy!" is true - if you are not happy with yourself YOU can change. But you have to be happy before you can work on anything else.
My husband was emotionally and verbally abusive to me during the course of our thirteen year relationship. These issues were further complicated by my belief, at that time, that it was injurious to the relationship to discuss how I was being treated with others. As a result, I suffered from increasing feelings of isolation, loneliness and desolation. I read many self-help books on marriage and self-actualization and diligently tried to implement the strategies contained within these guides. I continued to be mistreated, withdrawing more and more from friends and family because I was too embarrassed, hurt and scared of what the consequences for 'telling' would be. When I discovered that my husband had pioneered the use of the Internet (way back in the mid-90's) to begin an adulterous affair, I finally found the strength within myself to realize that my loneliness would always continue in the relationship with this particular man because he wasn't open to change, neither in himself or in the marriage. This realization gave me the power to walk away from a devastatingly destructive union and begin the process of rebuilding my self-esteem and my relationships with other positive and caring people. I'm not lonely anymore.
I was married for 5 years and together for 8. It is sad to know that one can be married and feel more alone than being single. I tried all of the "how to's" above. When your spouse (husband OR wife) does not respond to those, then what? There was the late nights out with the boy's, staying up in the other room, no communication, no respect, etc... When you are dealing with that, what can you do? I tried harder with him than any other man in my life. Sometimes, despite how hard you try, they just do not want to grow up and mature into the adults that they have become. I tried to give him his space and not suffocate him. Where as your advice may work for some, I see that it may also NOT work for most. The key is to find someone that you don't have to change. Love at least 95% of their characteristics. Ask yourself, can you live with the things that you don't love without asking this person to change them? My day's of wanting someone to change their ways for me are over. Find someone that you are compatiable with on all levels. Don't lower your standards and settle for second best. Life is to short for the drama and the headaches. Remember that when it comes to love, having standards are ok. If you don't have standards in life and love then before you know it you will have spent years of your life with someone wrong and you could have been with someone right. The reality of it is, if there is more worse than better then it's time to go. Only depend on yourself to make yourself happy. If you wait on someone else to do that then you can be waiting forever....
Loneliness is a dual edge sword!
The true constant of a relationship is the continual commitment of two individuals, that through thick or thin cannot and would not give up on each other; regardless the personal growth and changes that must take place.
(This is not an endorsement to endure any kind of abuse, and if that is your situation I feel for you and hope that you can harness the courage to make a move that will allow your heart, mind, and soul to heal and not feel lonely anymore.)
The biggest lie, pretending to be happy for what is perceived to be the benefit of the other, never even expressing there desires, emotions, or passion, or possible dissatisfaction with their partners.
That very dissatisfaction grows to an ill, and contorted emotion that will begin to tear what once was consider sacred and good, allowing for obstacles to be build between the hearts, obstacles at times can be insuperable.
Distance, bitterness, resentment, and loveless relations many have allowed it become the norm. How sad to say least, to not say what is felt, and to not be able to enjoy lives greatest gift to share a love that may not overcome everything, but a love can at least assure one another 'you are loved!'
Crazy those simple words are amazing and even more powerful when are meant. Consider not been loved after investing your heart to someone that does not know how they feel about you? Love is in my opinion the greatest of emotions and strongest feeling. Wars have been waged, lives have been sacrificed, men have given all they possess for the love of a woman, and women have by the same token sacrifice as much if not more, because out of love their womb allow even the strongest of man to live, and at times their efforts go unnoticed.
This is something that I have always found interesting about people including myself
When we have what we want, we think it's not what we need.
When we have what we need, we ignore it and treated as if it was unimportant, humans are the most difficult creatures to please or satisfy and the first to overlook the love given or not been able to receive it.
Folks take relationships for granted and the individual contribution that makes for a successful partnership, for the most part we are all interested in the same things, but tend to make it more complicated than should be. We want what we cannot have, and what we have we must loose! Only to live years later an epiphany which underlines its value and the sad truth is that at times it's too late and in fact is just a love lost.
We profess desire for simplicity but keep drowning on the complex ideals of a consumer and disposable society that has taken the same approach to human relations. What was good yesterday is bad today, the indispensable, today is replaceable and the simplicity of common courtesy and the altruism of friendship has long been forgotten.
It is said that war is the road to peace, I only wonder why has peace eluded so many considering battles have been fought and wars lost at an insurmountable cost of human life. Relationships are the same the collateral damage at times is greater than the intended objective we are so involved on the periphery that we ignore what is important.
We try to lie to defend each others emotions, and guard with the out most fragility, impurities that not even time can heal. We create distances and then try to justify them and forget that these are created not by the span of time or miles apart but by the span between hearts, friendships, brotherhood, sisterhood, family, love is love and the only constant! For if we want we can give, or take that love away.
In conclusion
Live for the ones you Love
Love the ones you Live for
Laugh with those you Love to Live with
Live, Love and Laugh not always will be simple but will have its own reward, remember take care of you or you will not be able to take care of anyone.
I understand everything stated in this article. I can relate to ALL of it. My husbnad and I are going through a divorce right now, and we've only been married for a year and a month. Of course he is putting all the blame on me like he always has, but if he would take a step back he would see that some of this his on him also. I love him and my kids more than anything in the world, but I NEVER have any "me" time, and I haven't since we got married. I feel lost and alone without him, but I know that I need to move on because he's made it very clear that it's over between us, but I can't and I won't. I rather sit here alone for the rest of my life then to go out and fall inlove and get hurt all over again.
Nothing but Loneliness
I have been with my partner for almost ten years. At times i do feel lonely and fill that void by doing stuff on the internet, shopping, writing, etc......
I have anger issues which i ahve to learn to deal with and issues such as being insecure, having low self esteem, etc etc...These are things I have to work on for me.
I try not to be lonely but its hard, I call my mother every day and call whomever will talk to me.I call him all day too, bugging him and aggravating him.
Lonliness is tough.
huh. Amazing that so many put into words what I feel and have felt for so long. Been married for nearly 23 years; last 6 have not been so hot. I went back to school and am finishing my master's degree this summer. When he did that 12 years ago, I did everything around the house. All cooking, cleaning, laundry, running kids, mowing lawn, bill paying, etc. He did nothing but work and go to school. I can't even get him to plan a meal while I work full-time and take one class per week. He has now idea what our finances are like. I try to talk to him, and if it is not casual conversation, then it is nothing. "We are talking." he says. Obviously not how I see it. Kids are nearly grown, but I still think it would be devastating for them if we split. Since my parents split when I was young, I try to work on staying together and making it better. His parents are still together after 50 years, but I see his mother bowing to his father's moods. He acts moody like his dad and gets mad if I mention it. Wish I was financially independent. I don't really want to be alone. I just don't want to be lonely. I know some is because of my classes; but its not all of it, that's for sure!
I have been married for almost 23 years and for the last 9 years, I have been unhappy and very alone. I have tried all that was suggested to reconnect with him but he doesnt seem to care. He is a avid hunter and fisherman and although I dont partake in the hunting but like to go fishing with him, this hasnt helped our relationship either. I feel Im literally counting the years till our youngest is out of highschool and I can leave him to be on my own. I know I wouldnt be as lonely as I am now and would never think of getting married again.
I am lonely too. I have been married for 38 years. I love my husband. and I am a psychotherapist. My husband persists in living in the 50's and 60's movies, music, sports, etc. even our homes decor which he is insistent on keeping in the 70's. He listens to radio talks shows and parrots the commentaries without critically thinking them through and considering depth of issues, cultural issues, and so forth. I have fond memories of the time of our youth, too, but have never stopped there, instead be thrilled about growing and learning. He has adapted his work with technology, to some extent, but remains reliant on me to know how to do most of the computer skills. He says he can't remember them, but he remembers many other day to day trivia, radio commentaries and his other interests. He is not affectionate or romantic at all and only touches me or responds to hugs in a sexually aroused way (this has been true our entire marriage). He is a good father and grandfather and is good at household maintenance and other tasks. But we coexist in the likes of most everything else. We watch separate TV's, he generally watches history, military or news networks. I do have lots of outside interests and travel independently and with girlfriends, have lunches with girlfriends, professional connections and love my career, but I wish I had someone to hug me without need for reward, but sincerely wishing to give me soothing, to touch me without a sexual vibe everytime, to be enthusiastic and talk with me about so many things.
And yes, he has had the talks, the requests, demands and everyway under the sun to suggest or ask as plain as one could do. He just doesn't get it. He is male.
My husband shows that he cares for me a lot but at time I'm not sure that he realy does. He is so arrogant that he never thinks what he is saying and that time, that words are like sword piercing my heart. We had a love marriage, craving for love,I married him but where is the love. If I try to talk to him about my feelings we end up fighting with each other.
But when he wants me to be to close to him, he gets it. This the most embarcing moment for me, because may be I'm mentally not prepared, or I wanted him to be close, towards my feelings. At times when I spoke to him he has arrognatly told me to leave him if I do not like what he tells, does etc.
Therefore I'feel I'm very lonely
I completely agree with Tami. I've been married 13 years, together for 16. I have tried and tried and tried. I've been in therapy for over two years. I communicate until I'm blue in the face and NOTHING is reciprocal. I ask for romance, I ask for talk, I ask for quiet time to together. Nothing. Zip. Nada. I'm sick and tired of hearing the "I Love Yous" and never SEEING or FEELING the action of I Love You. Then when we argue, it's all my fault because I'm too needy. Huh? Too needy? If I didn't get hugs and kisses from my two young children, I wouldn't feel a human touch for months at a time.
Re Silswldrs and her diabetic/high BP husband--been through the same thing with mine, only to find out for definite (after many months of suspecting and asking) that he'd not been off sex but had been having an affair for over 2 years with a girl (almost 30 years younger than him) at work who'd targeted him and had unwarranted promotion and backing, thousnads of pounds, and setting up a business for her from him! Be careful--we were VERY happily married with a good sex life and so much in common for over 20 years. Check your facts with this man!
A HUGE event that happened in our marriage grew my husband and I apart. Either of us is to blame. We just realized after 20 years we do not see eye to eye on things anymore. How can we? People change everyday. 20 years, is a long time to say that you feel, act or think the same way you did so many years ago.
We are still in our marriage because HE thinks we should stay together until our son graduates High School. I think that is dumb but then again. We do not fight all the time. I do my thing. He does his. At 41, I have learned alot. I also know that when we do go our different ways... I would never want an exclusive relationship again. I value my time with my friends and most of all... Doing things I like to do.Like hike, bike,swim and so forth.
My friends and my sister are the first people to hear if there is anything major going on in my life. Not my husband or my older kids.
I was married for 30 years and I can honestly say I felt far lonlier IN my marriage than I have since becoming single. In fact, one of the things that KEPT me in my marriage for a very long time was the fear of being alone.
I've learned so many things since my divorce. I've realized the importance of being honest and open in relationships . . . honesty builds bridges, denial builds walls. It's far more important to share and understand each other's feelings than it is to be "right". I've learned that I can have a perfectly marvelous time all by myself and I frequently do. I cook nice meals for myself, listen to my favorite music, burn scented candles and knit, bead or read when I feel like it.
I've come to appreciate my better qualities since my divorce. I also realize now the importance of girlfriends . . . and I accept and relish the closeness I share only with women friends and realize that no matter how much I love a man, no matter how close we are as friends, it will NEVER replace the need for the female perspective that I can only get from another woman.
I also believe far too many people expect to get every single emotional need fulfilled by their significant other--how many times I've seen a woman fall in love with a man and give up all her friends and outside activities. This is unrealistic and puts tremendous pressure on the relationship. It's important to have a variety of friends to talk to, to participate in activities with, to have fun with, so that when you and your honey do spend time together you have interesting things to talk about and other perspectives to share.
I don't think I would have learned these important lessons if not for my divorce. My ex-husband is an emotionally abusive alcoholic and I allowed myself to be manipulated and controlled for so many years. I am continually grateful for the courage I found to finally divorce him and move on to this wonderfully fulfilling stage of my life.
After reading all the comments I am even more
depressed. I have been married for almost 28 years, together for 35. Now that the kids are
gone, my husband says he likes to be alone and
only has energy to run his business. I have sat
back for many years and watched him grow his business, by kissing his customers butts, being
involved in charities, when they ask him to do
something only, and the rest of the time golfing.
When the kids were involved in activities he would attend. He is very good about keeping up
appearances. He always would take 1-2 golf trips a year, but never suggested that we go away
on a trip together. I was so consumed with raising three kids, running a household, since he
has said that "he doesn't like to do that kind of stuff". When I have tried to discuss this with him, I get silence or blank stares or "I
don't know". Never does he try to problem solve
or suggest a solution. As a result we have been
separated for 3 years. We have been attending
couples couseling for the past few months, I have
been willing to make compromises that I can, all
he has been doing is being evasive and non-committal to what he would have to contribute. I
hate to throw away all those years, and I really
dread going to family events in the future, seeing him with another woman, because I know that even though he says he likes to be alone, it
won't last. I on the other hand, never want to be taken for granted and used again, so if I ever
decide to have a relationship, it will probably
only be for sex. The final straw for me was on
Valentines Day, he didn't call me until 630 and
asked, "was I in for the evening?". Did I want
to go to a movie, that started in 30 minutes!!
This is a holiday that even brain-dead men should
take as a hint to do something, but he was so busy at work, that he just didn't have time.
Coincidentally, his father, who started this business, did the same thing to his mother and
they didn't live together for 25 years but stayed
married. It's true, men do learn from their fathers! I'm starting to realize that the vows you take together, even if you are very devout, don't really mean anything if all you care about is yourself first.
hi my wift is go a man not and hi love his
I think you really hit it 100% when you said that when you're married and feeling lonely that you feel hopeless, but you can also add TRAPPED to that statement too. I am engaged to a really wonderful guy, but our sex life has gone down the tubes. He has ED and wont do anything about it. We never have sex/make love any more, its been so long I can't even remember how long its been. Plus I just feel my attraction for him is gone because I always had to quell any desires I had for him because I'd always be let down.
He works Monday through Friday, as do I, but due to situations at work, he now works Saturdays too, so everything and anything we want to or need to do has to take place on Sunday. His Father passed away so on top of working and being away, he has to take care of things there too. I feel so alone all the time that I can hardly stand it any more, and even when he is there, we have such a disconnect that just knowing he is there and feeling as lonely as I do makes me resent him all the more.
I have been spending time with a newer circle of friends lately and have noticed that I am becoming attracted to one of the men I've met, if I were single this wouldn't be a problem, but being engaged and feeling this lonely is really making it hard for me, I don't know what to do. I really can't imagine living the rest of my life feeling like this.
Well reading the above comments doesn't help me. I've been married 30 plus years and my relationship with my husband is like a brother. I 'love' him because he is the father of my children. All romance left years ago and truthfully, I don't want to try to restore them - it's been that long. He thinks everything is fine and dandy! I would honestly like to continue my life without him. Seek love and excitement. I simply dont feel like my life should be over because my children are gone and now I have grandchildren.... but it seems the 'proper' thing to do.
I know your first response would be "talk to him". He's not that kind of person and the only thing I would truthfully be able to say is "I want out of this marriage".
Where does that leave me?
i feel so lonley, i have been married for 5 years to my husband now. we have 2 wonderful children, one from a previous marrage of mine and a little boy together. i hate to hurt them but i cant keep going like this. he seems so distant at times. he doesn't want to talk to me about any of his feelings, as well as i. i think my still being in love with my ex husband has a lot to do with this, but i think he is in love with someone else as well, i can allways tell when he is thinking about her but he will not talk about it. i feel like i have caused a lot of people a lot of emotional turmoil. i just wish that he would end out marrage so i could have the love that i need and want and he the same. me loving someone else and thinking about him all the time is making me so lonely.
I've been married for 20 years and I like to be alone. I used to not be that way, but my husband is a very private person and over time, I've become that way. Mostly though, I'm not as close to people that I truly trust as I am to co-workers or people in the general public. I guess I can give them my "public" face and my life looks pretty good. At home though, my husband feels that I pull away from him. Sex, unfortunately, is not that big a deal to me. I can enjoy it, but I don't need it and I don't take my husband into consideration on that part. He's really a good person, but we both have trust issues from our past and no matter how long or hard we've tried to work through them, we've yet to let go of those issues. I also am not sure that I'm "in love" with my husband. I love him a lot for what he means to me and for what he's helped me through, but beyond that, I'm not sure what is really holding us together.
I was in a very lonely marriage for many many years. I believe he married me because he was afraid people would think he was gay if he didn't get married. All the real intimacy stopped the day we were married, and I could never understand why. He wouldn't talk with me, or allow me to bring up problems. He acted as though every time I wanted to work something out, somehow it was an attack, even though I barely wispered about it every month or two. He simply did not allow me to speak. He never touched me. Everyone was more important than I was. And yet, he is basically a good person, so I made excuse after excuse for him. The whole experience (again...we are talking abt many years) devastated me, and left me feeling so worthless, that when I finally did leave the marriage, the only people who came into my life were abusers.
Strangely, when I needed help getting away from those abusers, the only one who helped was my exhusband. We still can't talk about anything that has "feelings" attached to it. Somehow he just doesn't seem able to handle that. It's very confusing, and I'll probably never understand it. But I'm finally figuring out: I'd much rather be my Own Friend, and be "alone" in my Own company than be with a man who is not a real friend to me. To me, a real friend is supportive, listens to you, shares their own feelings, and actually ENJOYS being with you. And since I am feeling that way (happier with my Self! and keeping users and abusers OUT!), my life is looking better and better.
I believe alot of the loneliness comes from men having a need to swallow women up. Most do not give their women the roon to be the woman they are meant to be. As 'T' said - she does her second favourite thing because HE wants to be with her all the time. It is not right, nor is it fair, and even though we can see this comes from their own insecurity it really does not help when living it. So what happens - the woman keeps more and more of herself hidden. After many years of this, the kids grow up and you find that you are two people just sharing a house because you long ago stopped sharing your lives. It is sad, because you still love the person you fell in love with, but there is this wall now, this pattern of not really BEING you has become ingrained and the solution seems to be to leave, because you need to breathe and you cannot when someone is holding you back from being you.
I only have a roommate type relationship with my husband. We are on the verge of separation because he treats me like I'm his mother (someone I really can't stand). Do all men act like babies.
i have been dating a guy for four years now he was everything for me until when i discovered that he had two other girls he was also dating . now i met another guy who is very nice to me and i have falling in love with him .but my present boyfriend now wants to put things right with our relationship again , but i dont want to be with him anymore ,but i work in my boyfriends company so if i have to leave him i have to leave my work and house were we live together. i told the other guy about it he was mad at me for not telling him before now , but he told me if i love him the way i said i should leave my boyfriend. i am so confused i dont know if i should give my boyfriend another chance or go ahead with the other relationship . please i need advise
I've been married for 11 years, and for the past 6 my husband has worked out of state. I find that I am the loneliest when he is home - he does not attack me directly, belittle me, or threaten me. What is does is say how he is the pariah, he is worthless, no one caters to him (e.g. he will decide what is on TV for 5 hours, but if one of our daughters wants to watch a show, he will scream that he never gets his way)...he calls himself public enemy number one. I have tried to get hi to counseling, either individual or marital, but he always has a ready excuse. His financial support is minimal, and I raise my stepdaughter for the most part alone without his help. She is the main reason I am still married -but it does seem to be curious that when he is gone I do not feel lonely but when he is here I am very, very lonely.
I am 36 and I have been married for 17 years and the last few years has been horrible. I have tried talking to him but it always turns into a fight. He thinks I am trying to blame him for everything...which I am not. I don't try talking anymore. I am happier when he isn't around..I am more relaxed. Our sex life is nonexistent...when we did have sex..he was only concerned about himself. He doesn't even want sex anymore...It has been over a year. I am only with him now because of my kids. I don't know if that is the right thing to do or not. My kids don't get to see 2 parents that love each other. Is it better to stay together for the kids or not?
I have been married for 15yrs but live with my in-laws as well as my 2 children & husband. I feel he talks to his mother more than me. We never have any time together except when we are in bed & that usually end with me being asleep before him (without us talking). I don't feel I can talk to him about anything without him repeating it to his mother. We don't seem to have anything in comman except our 2 children & we don't do anything together with then! Yes I feel very much alone & I agree with EVERYTHING it says above & I have tried. When I got married all I ever wanted twas to be loved, to do things with my husband & children & have time together as a family - which has never happened.
I've been married for over 25 years. Most of these years, I've been sick. Having many surgeries,from,brain,lungs,breast,knee, and hip replacement. There always something wrong. I'm also, bipolar and suffer from severe depression. I'm also anorexic.
My brain surgery, cost the loss of taste and smell. So, I truely have no idea of what the feeling of being "hungry" is all about.
So, he works all day at a stressful job. Comes in,and has to nap. Then,he gets up, and makes me something to eat. I do remember to feed the dog. The dog is my life. It's a very lonely life. Not that our marriage makes me lonely. This feeling of being lonely is all my fault. My husband is British. They are known for being cold. I accept this, and take each kiss as a blessing. Not feeling I deserve to be loved. All my scars, from being so sick, makes me a scary person to him. We've not had sex for at least 8 years,but we do laugh about it. And, I'm alright with this. So, is he.
We're both obsessive compulsive. Everything, has to be perfect in every way. This includes every aspect of our life. This goes from money matters, to cleanliness, we do not have a problem of who does what. We just know, when to do what.
So, we do share our loneliness which may seem hard to believe.
He needs his time for his thoughts and dreams. I need my time, to do my creative work and he supports all my dreams and thoughts too. When we do spend time together,it feels each day
is better than the last. We flirt, we laugh, we hug, and always remember to kiss good night. We never argue as we agree on everything.He calls each day to check that I've taken my meds and always makes sure to tell me he loves me.
We have a 23 year old daughter. She lives in Manhattan and is totally on her own. Extremely mature for her age, as, I being sick, forced her to be grown up before her time.
We love our being together on our own terms. We love each other enough, to respect our own needs. We accept our differences and don't question anything as we're so secure with each other.
So, all I'm trying to express, is that being lonely is sometimes a good thing. Staying busy with projects, and making our time together a special event. I'm so blessed to have found my true soul mate. I appreciate everyday as it comes as he does the same thing.
It is both depressing and reassuring to read these comments
and know I am not alone. My husband is a good person, most
people I am sure think he is wonderful. He is very successful, and very involved in community and charitable
work. But the time he gives to these pursuits leaves little
for home, wife, and kids. He makes an effort every so often, but it just feels false, like he is doing it because he feels it is the right thing to do, not because he really
wants to or enjoys it. We have been married for almost 23 years, and sometimes I feel like I have waited long enough for him to devote himself to all these other things...when will there be time for me? It doesn't help that we have
little in common. When I married him, all those characteristics that I so admired that were so different from my own seemed fascinating, but now if I could go back I think I would try to find someone I had more in common with. I think instead of trying to come together and find things we could both enjoy, he has decided that if I don't like whatever he wants to do, he will just go find someone who will. I feel a distance between us, and a resentment on my part that makes it difficult to try to reach out and bridge the gap. I feel despondent when I think of the future...especially when the kids are gone.
i was married the first time and my husband was out of town on work for a week sometimes or a couple of months sometimes. when he was home we we like best friends and took very good care of me. i was lonely and we were growning a part, he didn't want a divorce but we separated and three years i dated what i thought i was looking for someone who spent time with me, loved me, great sex life and enjoyed most all the same things. then we married and i just thought before i knew what lonely was, i didn't even know. now i can tell you how much being lonely and not even having that best friend that i did have. my husband works locally and any spare time is spent with his buddies, whe he comes home he's tired and wants to just rest, sex is always me having to ask and it ends in a fuss. i feel so stupid for having to stoop to that level. nobody married should have to tell ask or remind there spouse about not having a sex life. then he acts like i am crazy and have to have sex all the time. we might have sex 1 time in 2 weeks if i ask. i am 41 and have 2 boys with him and basically take care of everything with the kids, house and anything he needs. i feel i give to him and try to make his life as easy as possible. but it doesn't matter he, just gets angry about anything he can to blame the situation on me. i am basically wasting my life but i am trap. he makes the money i stay home and take care of my kids and am dying inside and i can seem to get anything done anymore. i hate doing anything because no one cares, its all for nothing. some me just don't care. i have so many times thought about my first marriage and what i had and what i lost, i can't go back but i am going no where here.
think about things before you decide to leave because sometimes when you think you are lonely, there is a thing called lonely with regret.