How funny... I gained a sifgnificant amount of weight due to health problems after my 3rd child was born. When their father and I were seperated by extenuating circumstances (deportation) I was faced with the prospect of starting over or staying single. Being very aware of body I took a long hiatus from persuing any type of relationship. A year later I met a man who is so wonderful I sometimes have to pinch myself to make sure that I am not dreaming. He does chores, helps with the kids, is gainfully employes, and has everything going for him. I call him my Clark Kent, aka Superman. We are now planning to get married. I feel so confident and good about myself now that I am losing the weight. He laughs and says he loves me the way I am....afterall, I was overweight when he met me. But I want to be healthier so I am determined to trim back down. There is this little nagging question in the back of my mind. I sometimes wonder if he will stay be as attracted to me as I slim down. I sure hope so as it wouldn't be a very good love if he didn't support me doing what's better for my body. No?

You know..I have seen plenty of couples who gain weight together or one gains weight seperately. Some are happy, some are not. I don't believe you should ever be with someone because make good eye candy. And if you really love that person...find a tender, loving way to express your concern. Honestly, do people really think that name calling and other insults actually help the other person. No! They only compound that person's sense of worthlessness, self-loathing, dispair, etcetera. Yep. Think about what you'd feel like if you had those feeling going on. It's the same as being a playground bully. Absolutely immature and no different than that. Of course, some people are happy overweight and so are the people who love them. Kudos to them.

A little anecdote..John is 6'4" and had the belly of a woman who is about 5 months pregnant when we met. He was by no means fat and has been slimming down a bit himself. I distinctly remember telling him the other day that if he kept losing weight and became too skinny, that I didn't think I would like him anymore. Thankfully John knows this not to be true and just holds me a little tighter as we laugh and gaze deeply into each others' loving eyes.

I have been married for 13 years. Over that time I've gained about 60 lbs and I know it's a lot of weight. We now have very little intimacy in our marriage, largely in part because of the added weight. I find it hard to be motivated to slim down because I feel resentful for my husband's attitude. I'm afraid that if I lose the weight and he becomes more attracted to me, I'll be angry and even more hurt for not loving me unconditionally. It is a very disheartening and frustrating situation - one that feels like I can't win either way.

So, where do I go from here?

I used to run marathons and live for the gym. Although I've rarely been skinny, I've always been fit. I left the workforce after 20+ years and am now a stay at home mom. A somewhat chubby stay at home mom. My husband is very supportive and loves me whatever the number on the scale, but if I can't love myself as well, it's a problem. He's one of those guys who can pretty much eat crap and drink beer and still be thin. So, if I'm hanging out with him living his lifestyle, I'm never going to lose the weight. It's just very difficult to balance this out and to adjust to my new life. I'm really working on getting us both to be healthier. Just because he is thin doesn't mean that it's ok to eat chips every day. I honestly don't want that stuff in the house, but he drags it home anyways. It seems as though he is happy with me being a chub, but I'd like to change things for the better, a little more how things used to be.

I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world. When he and I met he has just lost almost 80 lbs and looked pretty good. He was not as fit as my previous romances but he was such an amazing man that I put all that aside.
I had hoped that being with a woman 9 years younger would only fuel his desire to keep the weight off and tone his new found body.
A year later I still think that he is the best man in the world but I feel so guility because I am constantly questioning my love for him. I am growing more unattracted to him by the day. He has put back on at least 40 of the 80 pounds and we've only made it to the gym a hand full of time despite my constant begging.
In his defense he has 3 kids and is so thinly streched but if he dosen't get into shape soon I don't think I can stay with him. I know I'll be loosing the best man in the world but I don't know how to stay with him and not be disturbed when we make love.
Men are not the only creatures who are stimulated by a visual attraction. Women need a nice chest and hard body to enjoy as well.
X Guilty feeling and confused.

Loving someone and being physically attracted to them are two different things altogether. You need both to have a long term relationship. And why would you both not want to be healthy so as to enjoy a long life together? I want to stay as healthy as possible so that I am not a burden on someone when I get older (kids, spouse, grandchildren, etc). I know there are no guarantees in life, but the more I take care of myself the less guilty I will feel later in life if someone has to take care of me. I want to feel like I've done everything possible. And while the sexual attraction most often wanes as you age, the love remains. But you definitely need both of these things for the long term, the scale just shifts a bit as we age.

I find it interesting that you start with the erroneous premise that losing weight is all about just trying hard enough, and that fat people can't be healthy.

There are men that I broke up with for "letting themselves go." Yes men can do this too!! I don't feel great about it but that is life. On the other hand my husband is not a thin man at all. Yet every day I fall more in love with him than the day before. He is perfect in my eyes.

With men not being attracted to their overweight wife, all I can ask is ....did you discuss this sort of thing BEFORE marriage? What did you think was going to happen after having children? When do you think this whole "growing up" thing is going to happen for you??

Leaving someone for gaining weight is acceptable (barely) when you are dating.....when you are married its monstrous! It might be a horribly sucky conversation...."I sorry I'm just not attracted to overweight people, how do you feel about this?"....but its nessasary BEFORE the wedding! She has a right to decied whether she wants to marry such a shallow person or not.

Marriage is a deal, not unlike a business partnership. (I know that's not romantic, but let's avoid all the hearts and flowers right now). If your husband developed characteristics that jeopardized the partnership (gambling, infidelities, workaholism, bizarre religious conversion) you might say, "I don't know him anymore." When you marry someone, you essentially make a deal to remain the same person, even while evolving--and that includes the physical aspect. How many times have we all seen brides who hit the trough the moment the rice was swept from the church steps, or hubbies who realized they'd bagged the catch and so it was time to stop having to impress?

Yeah, I'm sure there are medical reasons for some types of obesity, but if we are honest with ourselves, the major causes of overweight are poor food choices, inactivity and refusal to modify behavior (buying a bigger and bigger size of "relaxed fit" jeans, for example, rather than keep the old clothes and relaxing the fit by reducing the bee-hind.)

OK, I'll own up to it, I'm almost fifty, and I weigh within 5 pounds of what I weighed the day I got married at 20. And it's not easy. It means saying no more than yes to food, making a commitment to taking at least 25 minutes to exercise daily, and resisting the urge to just bump up to a bigger size when the waistband pinches.

But staying essentially who I was when I got married (a good-humored, hard-working, knowledge-hungry gal) is part of the deal. And I genuinely think that staying slender has made it easier to keep at least the good-humored part of myself intact. And by that I don't mean Good Humor.

People know when they are gaining weight. They know before it's visible to their partner. It should be their responsibility to bring it up. It's not fair to change drastically and then get offended when the other person is finally so uncomfortable they have no choice to bring it up. After having children I realized I finally had to buy clothes a size bigger. I asked my husband how he felt about that and explained that it was important to me that he was attracted to me - even if I were a different shape than when we were married. He hadn't even noticed but was flattered that I took him into consideration (without accusing him of thinking I was "fat"). Knowing my concern helped him to both sympathize with me AND motivate me so it didn't become an obsticle in our relationship, but a mutual interest in maintaining a healthy weight for the both of us.

Anyone who think that physical attraction has nothing to do with it is delusional. In most relationships, physical attraction is the FIRST think that causes a man or woman to "reach out" or communicate with another.

Well, I'm almost fifty and still very athletic and come from a family that can eat anything and not gain a pound, plus when we get stressed we eat LESS. Heather is correct, weight gain is a very complicated issue rife with genetics. Try reading some research NOT funded by the 30 billion dollar diet industry. I raised my handsome sons well, and they are athletic and good-looking, mixed Asian/caucasion, and the older one came to me a year ago and said "mom you have to do something, Shelby is thinking of going on a diet". I asked him what he thought of it he said "she looks the same to me" although she had gained a good 40lb. Everyone was always telling her what a good catch she'd bagged with my son, and I guess she became worried about herself. Knowing how bad "diets' are, I sat her down and told her that we don't do that in our house. That if she wanted to work out, fine, but we would not stand for her starving herself. A couple years later she slimmed down, how I don't know but it wasn't due to cruel remarks and harassment by us. Same with the middle boy, his wife just had a baby and had become quite big. It takes a lot for me to counter balance the media messages on obesity. You CAN be big and healthy. I'm slim and have high bad cholesterol. My middle son is a great cook and feeds her all the time as he did when she was pregnant. Oh and as for myself? I like chubby men. I think they are just so precious, maybe because I'm slim and they are different from me? Maybe because I don't want to have to shake the sheets to find my man in the morning? If you fall out of love with your partner because they gained weight, like the first letter to Dr. Salz, you probably married for reasons OTHER than real love. The man as much as admitted it. And we all know, people marry for reasons other than real love alllll the time.

wel i think it wlb b unfair 2 xpect a man 2 get attracted n remained attracted 2 a obese n chuuby creature but as a matter of fact tht happens!if real luv hs realy sumthing 2 do with looks,all men on planet earth wld hv fallen 4 angelina jolie or jenifer lopez(real luv m talking abt)secondly,if this realy is the ONLY reason then all slim women shld b happily married which is unfortunately not the truth........there must b sum underlying reasons with the gentleman who hs fallen out of luv with a chuby woman whose good in almost all aspects of life n if not,no comments but u shld keep in consideration tht sumtimes real problem is with unot the uther person!but woman shld accept the ''natural truth''tht all men r not same.......sum r not tht concious abt looks but sum r n u cant help it......so better start hitting the gym n taking care of u....no matter if ur not puting away pounds,atleast ull tone down(which can help u looking n feeling good)n ull b more active n ur body wld release happy hormones which wld ultimately help u fighting with the stresses of life n relationships.......1 thing more (u can stop reading if m sounding too teacher like)keep on reminding urself abt ur plus points n keep on trying 2 boost ur confidence as its essential 2 luv n respect ur self 2 b luvd n keep motivated.....

I was with a girl for five years. When we started dating I thought she was hot even though she could have lost five pounds. As the years progressed I still loved her but she started puting on wieght(like 40 pounds by the end). One day she threw out all of the clothes she wore when we started dating saying that she would never fit into them again. At that moment I knew I would not marry her, it turned me off to her completely. She was saying she was content to get fatter and the worst part was that she was only 23 at the time. Being overwieght in your prime, come on thats just lazy. Anyway talk about love all you want but if you lose attraction for the person its over. At least when your 26. I dont expect women to not age and realize that things will change naturally as we get older but gaining wieght kills your looks. Its very frustrating for a man to be in love with someone that he is not attracted to anymore. Men want sex in a relationship; hot sex. The only way I can get a women to understand is to say "what if your boyfriend or husband stopped bathing and shaving? And on top of that he wore dirty clothes with stains on them. Would you still want to F#@%?"

I am me

I am a heavy woman. When my husband met me, he knew what size I was and had no great intentions of losing any weight. If it happended so be it if not, oh well. I feel bad for women who have to deal with verbal abuse from their spouse. Due to weight or anything else for that matter. My husband is very caring and loves me unconditionally. I have not gained any real weight since we have been together, but he loves it. He says only a dog wants bones. We do everything together and we both feel that weight is not what brought us together and it will not break us apart. He is caring, lovable, very respectful, patient, nurturing, honest, etc.....I love him for that. We have so much more to live for than a little extra weight. We have 7 children total from previous relationships and we just don't have the time to focus on the small stuff. We have a family to raise, which is certainly more important in our eyes.

Personally, I want to be healthy for myself and my love. I don't feel it is degrading for a woman to want to look good, or dress a little provocatively (I am in my 40's). Sometimes I think the women's movement has made us feel guilty for wanting to be attractive! Appearance is definitely not everything, but it certainly helps knowing that you both have a commitment to remaining healthy--it's about caring enough about yourself to be the best you can be, whatever your body type.

Funny thing is, I have lost about twenty pounds in the past 8 months, and he didn't even notice!

I am confused. My husband said that I am obesed. I had gained about 60 pounds (I weighted 115 when I met him) over 20 years of marriage and three children. I am confused because he left me for a woman who weights around 200 pounds. I am down to 145 and he still says that I am over-weight Yet she has not lost any of her weight (according to him she loses and gains the weight). I do not think that weight was the reason for his infidlity, just an excuse to leave.

I recently contacted a friend of mine from Dallas, who I haven't seen for several years on a professional networking site. No romance, or seduction, or any of that sort of thing, just Hi, how have you been. Let's compare notes careerwise and see what's happening.

The last time I saw him in Dallas, he had had a few too many margaritas and came on to me hard and strong talking about "what a good body I had" - Since then he had been through two "horrible" marriages in his own words, and the first question he asked me was "Are you still working out?" - My response, jokingly was "No, I'm fat and happy" - And do you know, he completely dropped all communication with me?

(Laughing to myself) - That is EXACTLY the kind of guy that I DONT want, so I'm glad, I saved myself the heartbreak by telling him up front that I wasn't that Barbie Doll image that he had in mind. It wouldn't make a difference anyway, because he is obviously a shallow person and incapable of genuine affection for a woman, so I am Happy and Relieved that nothing transpired between us, other than a friendly exchange. I would have hated myself if I'd had some sort of romantic encounter with him.

There have been quite a few times in my romantic life that I've regretted saying "Yes" - but NEVER have I regretted saying no. This was one of those times.

Food for thought.

My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years. During that time she has gained about 60 lbs. When I first met my wife she was very active and healthy. I have told her how much this weight gain is bothering me. I have tried everything to help. I have paid for gym memberships, personal trainers and have built a pretty impressive home gym. I have even gone as far to offer her a thousand dollars of mad money for every 15 lbs that she loses. I am not a shallow person but I do think being attracted to your wife is important(I know what a crazy concept). It would be alot different if I married my wife and she already had this weight. It would be different if it was a medical problem.It would be different if it was only 10lbs. It would be different if I was overweight but none of these are the case. When we talk about it all she says is that I should love her unconditionally (which sounds like code for we are married so if you aren't shallow you better stay with me no matter how much I let myself go). I have been fighting this battle for over 3 years and I don't know what to do. Please help.

I remember when I was overweight, it was a health issue that made me to lose the weight....My HDL (good cholesterol) was too low and my Iron levels were low also. What really made me take notice, waking up at 3-4 AM to go to the bathroom,(often 3-4 x per week)unable to go, there were EXCRUCIATING stomach cramps, sweats, blood pressure raising, praying, I mean praying that I don't die on the toliet, cramps for days....I drank loads of fluids, but that didn't help, ate hi-fiber foods, still no help. I even had difficulty walking up stairs (not fun when you just brought a 2 story home), I was constantly out of breathe,had many bouts of depression, this was getting ridiculous to me and I decided to do something about it. I made a personal quest to lose the weight. Once I did, the cramps, sweats, bad PMS went away, depression dropped to an all time low, I was able to deal and accept life situations......

I tried to explain this concept to the person I married, however he didn't go for the ideal, accused me of seeing someone else (a strange individual), he rather had me keep the 70 lbs,(5'3" 210 lbs) overweight, suffering from all sorts of ailments, I hated mirrors......He tried numerous of time to sabotage and break my spirit,but thru prayer and perservance I won!

Finally, I say to all, better TONE bodies (not necessary scrawny bodies) make EXCELLENT SEX PARTNERS!!! SEX IS EXCELLENT WHEN YOU ARE HEALTHY!!! and I stand behind that!

I began gaining weight when I was about 25 after my first child. I am now 45. It ballooned up more after my second child. My husband was verbally abusive about my weight. I knew, something else was going on that made me keep getting fatter. I tried everything to lose it and nothing worked! Well, the short of it yes there was. It was my thyroid. I have hypothyroidism. I also found out I had a heart problem and diabetes so no wonder I couldn't lose. I am slowly on the weight loss journey! I so far have lost 15 lbs! I am committed to exercising daily and reaching my goal weight! I have so far been doing great! I gave my husband and ultimatum. Accept as I am or I am gone. Well, he did accept me as I am we talked about it and yes,it hurt but, now I understand he was concerned for my health. He could of been nicer about it yes but, at least now my life is for the better! My diabetes is under control now. My thyroid, it is better but, still working on it. I NEVER thought I would enjoy exercising so much! I used to dread it. I had to also do this for ME not for anyone else. You have to be in the right frame of mind to do it! You have to find the spark that motivates you!

I am 59 years old. While not obese, I am a large woman. I was about 40 pounds lighter when I met my 'significant other' - who is 10 years younger than I - about 5 years ago, and he has never made a single comment about it. His own weight has fluctuated as health issues have come and gone.

In fact, I have gained a litle more weight recently because of chemotherapy after a double mastectomy, and our love life has not suffered at all. He finds me incredibly sexy, and tells me so. With or without breasts, with or without the extra pounds, love and sexual attraction remain strong with us.

I believe that the comments I have read here about love being blind to body changes is very important. While we all strive to be healthy, toxic friends and family can make our good choices for ourselves impossible to implement.

If a 'loved one' tells you that you are no longer attractive because you have lost or gained weight, got wrinkles, gone grey or bald... there's probably something else going on.

Perhaps it is the OTHER person's self-image that is suffering, and that makes for the critical comments. Is this the same issue that makes 70-year-old paunchy bald guys want to date only 25-year-olds? Hmm...