I am going through a tough time right now I am a 54yr old woman. I have no close friends, my mom past my father was murdered, my step father just died he sexually abused me when I was 11 before that it was his brother and father. It might have started around 4? I really can't remember my child hood. my first husband and I split because he drank too much my second abused me for 9yrs the police told me smile more, make him a nice meal it was pathetic. Then I left and had fun here and there when I could, I had 2 really good children. Then I met someone who was quiet wow what a change, ya he abused me for 6yrs. I met another man and we got along good he was fun younger than myself. when his ex wife seen we were getting close she wanted him back and I told him to go if that is what he wants he had 2 children I was also taking care of. Then I met someone else we had so much fun, we would laugh a lot the children loved him after 4yrs I got pregnant his ex got murdered he came back and asked to see me well I said yes of course. He turned into a monster.After 15yrs of horrifying abuse I left but He beat me so bad during those yrs that I had to have about 4 back surgeries.Of course he tells everyone I was meen,they believe him they all feel bad for him except for the people that know me I would not even insult an ant.He is a sociopath for sure. When I finally left and felt free I registered for school, but my advisor told me to withdraw because I got breast cancer. I was like give me a break I finally was through with the abuse and I get this, I had a mastectomy on my right breast. The doctors scarred me up pretty bad across my stomache and the top of my breast. I am a happy person, I do not hate men I realise they are not all alike. I am funny I do not think I am a bad looking woman. I have been in counciling for some yrs and have come a long way but I just do not know how to get out there and meet people. I need to do this. Plus I would love to meet a nice man now that I can tell the difference..lol.., but I can't do it. I do not know how to. I am afraid I will end up alone and I do not want to be. I want a companion. You can not have one if you can not go out to meet friends. I've lost them all from the past. I am disabled, with terrible back pain and breast pain. I am numb across my stomache and right breast and shoulder area. I am out of work now. I would like to work from home I make baskets and other crafts. I want to write a book to let women know that no matter how old they are they can get out of abuse. I would like to use my poetry to help them.Councelers have used my poetry. How can you do these things if you have no money. Will a man want someone who is scarred like me. I seem fine on the outside but I am the lonelyest woman I know. I won't go out alone. I have not been out in so many yrs I cannot do it alone. I need friends. I have to much time on my hands. If I could work making my baskets maybe I could make enough money to help me with my book of poetry.You need money for the stuff to put in the baskets, which I do have. In the meantime I might meet someone nice. I know I have written sooo much. I am a funny, silly , optimistic, and strong woman I am a survivor but I am 54 I can not turn back the clock even though that would be nice. Do you have advice? I went and read some poetry at a nearby place to force myself to get out there but they have moved. I do not drive. Which is another thing I want to do. I could get around a lot more.I talk to a classmate on line he is from junior high I do not remember him. We do talk though, through messages. I am afraid to call him. He has given me his phone# He has not put his picture up and that bothers me. I know we went to school together because he brought it up first and he mentioned some teachers we had, it was very funny but I do not remember him. What do you think about getting out there again after all these yrs? I really need to know.I am frustrated it has been 4yrs since I have been with a man and I don't meen sexually I meen at all. I never really dated I have never lived alone, I've always taken care of everybody and now I do not know how to take care of myself. If this makes sense tell me..lol..because it sounds ridiculous to me.
I just put myself out there for the world to see. oh well worse has happened right? toodles Joyce