Most women have sometime in their sexual lives faked an orgasm. Not only that but they also have likely faked being aroused in the first place, or possibly faked experiencing what their partner is doing as feeling good. There are many reasons women fake it. Most women will tell you it is to please their partner. Women feel tremendous pressure to preserve their partner’s ego and fear he will be crushed if they don’t appear to orgasm. Women also think that in order to hold onto their man (keep him from finding a more satisfying partner) they have to appear very hot in bed which they believe translates into having an orgasm all the time. Some women fake it for other reasons. Many women are self conscious about the amount of time it takes them to climax. Rather than being uninhibited about how long, how much stimulation and what kind they need, a woman may chose to just fake it and not have to “expose” her needs to her partner. There is also a group of women who really don’t know how to have an orgasm. They feel very inhibited and have not been able to explore what work for them, let alone tell or show a partner how to help them climax. This group will often fake orgasms to avoid revealing what feels like a “defect” in their body or sexuality.

The problem with faking it is that it becomes a real vicious cycle. Once you fake it, he thinks he is satisfying you and therefore has no reason to try new things or ask you what would feel better…after all you appear to be feeling about as good as it gets. In the meantime, you may be feeling increasingly angry at missing out as well as hopeless about ever getting to experience what you are missing. The angrier and more dejected you feel during sex, the less likelihood you have of feeling truly connected to the sexual experience. As you distance yourself your chances of being really aroused diminish.

Should you ever fake it? In a nutshell, NO! Some women describe on occasion that they don’t feel like expending the energy it may take them to have an orgasm on a particular night. In this case, tell him that orgasms are not the end all be all for you and that sometimes the closeness and intimacy of sex is just what you are in the mood for. In other words, be honest. So what can you do if you have been faking it in your relationship and now feel stuck?

1. Come clean without hurting him. If you say, “You know all our great sex for the last decade, well I’ve been faking it…” you will really devastate him. I don’t recommend that. Instead tell him you have been having more difficulty achieving orgasm lately and would like to experiment with some new things. Then stop moaning and screaming unless you really feel that aroused. Next you have to tell him what you think would be worth trying to see if it works.

2. Give specific directions. If he has been left in the dark you really have to give him specific directions. “To the right, that’s great, a little softer…” The man cannot read your mind so tell him or show him what works.

3. Give yourself more time. It does take more time for many women and if you are in some race to beat the clock you probably will cave in and fake it. If you ask him, he’d probably say he would be happy to work at it with you all night. Many women think things like.. “he must be getting bored.” Or “he’s wondering what’s wrong with me”. These are your thoughts ladies, not his. Most men find sex to be loads and loads of fun and would be very pleased to spend as much time stimulating you as you would like.

4. Educate yourself. If you don’t know how to stimulate yourself, it will be difficult to tell him how to. First learn how to touch yourself and reach orgasm then you will be able to show him what works.

5. Communicate. Tell him that orgasm is not the only goal for you in lovemaking and that sometimes you are really quite content to enjoy the affection and closeness. Make it clear you will let him know if you do want to have an orgasm and that you will help him to help you. In the end truly pleasing you will bring both of more pleasure and closeness.

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