I'd like to share it with the hotties who also like sports I met at R I C H L O V I N G.C O M,where the hot affluent singles and sexy girls and models to hook up for Hot Love, Flirt and Sexy Dating!

Does Dr Gail Saltz have any close friends????
what the hell!

anyone who didn't vote "yes" has never been cheated on or felt the pain and loss of self esteem from such a terrible mistrust!!! Sex or no sex (my husband had the sex) try understanding how someone who says they love you could at the same time tell someone else. How someone could tell his kids he loves them but be with someone else??? Devestating!! Not impossible to repair, we are on the mend, but DEVESTATING! to a persons well being. I have lost more than 20lbs.that I didn't have to lose, and my children think I am crazy, but have no idea why. I keep searching for one answer...how do these people live with themselves????

My marriage ended due to an affair.

This happened to me & my DH last year. I knew something was up when he talked about this girl he works with. So the next month I noticed the # of his text messages increased so I asked him if he was texting her. He said he was & that they were just friends. I told him it was not ok with me that they were trading text messages. IMO a single female should not be texting a married male co-worker after work hours about personal stuff.
He realized that it bothered me & told me he wouldn't do it anymore but I checked his cell phone & the texting continued. Granted there was nothing bad in the texts but still he said he wouldn't & he lied. Out of curiousity I searched myspace to see if she had an account and I found her profile and one of her friends was my DH. His profile was listed as private but I could tell it was him from the avatar. I called him on it & he claimed it was nothing & that they were just friends and that he didn't tell me because he knew I would get upset. I told him that even if they are just friends it looks highly suspicious. First the texts & now a myspace account that I never knew about. He deleted the myspace account. I want to believe him and about 90% of me does but that 10% still creeps up on me. I still check his phone & I check her myspace to make sure he isn't one of her "friends". Trust is hard to gain back it takes a while. I used to check his phone everyday but now I only do it once every couple of weeks. Is it right for me to snoop in his phone? absolutely not, but my theory is if he isn't doing anything then I shouldn't find anything and if he is doing something I will bust him.

Thank you for this post.

faced a very similar situation recently

There is no such thing as an "Emotional Affair". This has become the typical dribble of women who want to "put it to men" as often and any way they can.

This is just plain bs. You can be friends with someone without haveing SEX. OH MY GOD! I have more men as friends than women, I don't particularly care for there drama and back stabbing bs. Men are more fun and will joke around, most women are looking for something in everything you say. Or all they can talk about is there problems. This just feeds the insecure inmature your trying to steal my husband crowd. Give me a break. BTW I'm married and have been for 23 yrs.

Carla,
It is possible to have friends of the opposite sex. I can tell from your comment that you do not understand the difference in the degree of intimacy of these two situations. I hope you are never in a situation that you are forced to.

Dr. Saltz is right. I've been in a number of emotional affairs on line. Just talking things over, they eventually become part of my inner workings. This is not always shared with my husband. SO, as of today, right now, I am breaking all ties.

Thanks for the article.

T

Directed to Michelle's comment "how do they live w/ themselves"... who your husband or the other woman? I was the OW.
YOu have to realize it was your husband (not really yours but the man) was the one that lied to everyone. he wanted to be w/ me, he called me every day, emailed & text'd me all day. wanting to see me as much as possible. said he was leaving you, he was not happy & hadn't been for a long time. but he stayed; for you? or was it for the kids & how you reacted to the affair that scared him?
so how do i now live w/ myself? i think about what this lier/cheater did to me as well. Its easy for me NOW to move on & be MORE cautious of finding a trustin man that really does love me. Remember one thing, MOST of us OW dont see this coming either. Most of the time they've said the divorce is in the "works". I would never intentially ruin a marriage. Especially if I knew there was a "marriage" there. I'm sorry for your pain & happy to hear you're mending things.

There are 2 people standing outside my office who are doing exactly that right now-and I know neither think they are having an affair. Both are married, and they talk about "non-work stuff" about 2-3 hours every day. One of them has a spouse who works down the hall. I'm going to print this article and leave it around, and hope they recognize themselves, because my husband's emotional affair, turned into a real one, and now he's trying to decide whether to divorce or not.

Thoso who cheated on someone, they cheat on themselves!

I have been married for 44 years and still feel the pain of an affiar my husband had when we were stationed in Ky. many years ago. I don't dwell on it of course but I do wonder at times where would we be today if the shoe was on the other foot. I love my husband very much and always will. I am a forgiving person to a point. I do know that divorce destroys everyone involved...

I am really, really tired of all the press that's surrounding "emotional affairs." Every time I see a headline about it, it upsets me. So, basically, you're never, ever allowed to be close to any person other than your SO? I have done #2 and #3 and #4 with my best female friends (ever heard of "girl time"?) - does that mean I'm cheating on my fiance with them? Are you having an "emotional affair" with your same-sex best friend even though you've never had any sexual interest? If you're homosexual, are you allowed opposite-sex friends but not same-sex? I have guy friends I'm just as close to as my girlfriends and y'know, there are some things that are easier to hash out elsewhere, without constantly bringing it to your SO (and sometimes you need it to calm down and talk rationally to them!). Am I having an "emotional affair" with my therapist? Or my mom, who I make time to talk to several times a week? Sure sounds like it, by the majority of the above criteria.

I think that only #1 is the major problem. If you're sneaking around with someone else, then yes. You are betraying your partner's trust, and what are you doing lying? Be upfront. Are you never talking to your partner? That's a problem, too, but a communication issue, and not necessarily an "affair". The rest of the "criteria" I consider highly suspect and a product of our current times. People are entitled to close friends - of whatever gender they see fit.

There is a big difference between friends of the opposite sex and having an "emotional affair".

An emotional affair is when you spend time with others via online, text, phone, in-person, etc... and keep your spouse out of the loop.

Here are some examples that might seem harmless but can spin out of control and end up as a physical affair.

1) An old girlfriend/boyfriend starts calling frequently and your spouse doesn't mention it and keeps it a secret. It develops into a close relationship/bond.

2) Your spouse goes out with a co-ed group but doesn't invite you. Rather suspicious, especially if the event was kept secret.

3) Opening up a secret myspace account or email address and sharing intimate details that you don't even discuss to your spouse. This could also be done with a blog.

In my opinion all three of these scenarios beech a couples trust for each other. The "cheating" spouse is trying to fill a void that they are no longer getting from their current relationship. Instead of going outside of relationship they should be talking about their issues, feels, wants, desires, dreams, etc... They shouldn't need an ex, co-worker or "friend" to fill the gap for them.

Sure, it's great to have friends, but when you're in a relationship with someone for the long haul, friends become mutual friends.

I know all about the "emotional affairs". Dating this guy, I figured we were getting to know eachother better. Months later, I am hit with the "my ex is preggo!" Then the baby comes and things between him and me go from all out relationship to an emotional one with no more "sex" persay. Even if he has it in his mind that he isn't going to engage in sex because maybe he is lying to me and acting as if he is not in this relationship with his child's mother . . . it's hogwash. If she doesn't know that you are talking to me more than her and we hang out and do "our thing" then you are having an emotional affair!

I wonder how she would feel and do if she found out! Again, its not for me to explain to her or ask him to tell her. He has to live with the secrets he is keeping from her . . . not me! I haven't done anything wrong, just as bamboozled!!!

Given the definition of emotional affair, I am having one with my best friend, my brother, my father, my mother, my sister and my golfing buddies.

There may be such a thing as an emotional affair. but the definition in the article is terrible.

To those who think emotional affairs are made up by women, they're not. My mother haas had emotional affairs with men almost the entire duration of my parent's marriage. It became worse as I got older and she thought my brother and I never noticed it. But we did. She took her emotional affair with a man, a Doctor, (she always had a fetish for docs) and he was everything my dad wasn't. My mom even sat there and told my dad that she wished he was more outgoing and liked the same things she did. And that tore him to pieces. She even told him about her 'emotional affair' but stated it a different way and dared my father to say anything about it. But I knew she was going to eventually sleep with the jackass. Then, last year, I found out my fiance' had been talking to his ex girlfriend (who was also engaged) the ENTIRE time we'd been dating. I'm not a jealous person and could care less, but why hide something when you have nothing to hide??? So one day I showed up at his house early before I went to work and there she was sprawled out on his bed. Needless to say, emotional affairs are cheating. You open yourself up to being volunerable to a situation you KNOW will lead to other dishonest scenerios. Thus, my reason why I don't date ever anymore. Everyone's so screwed up in their morals in this day and age. What's wrong is right and what's right is wrong.

i cant believe people think thats not cheating! my husband said he would just talk to this girl! and i had a job that kept me away from home and my children and him and he started a physical affair that was the beginning of destroying my marriage, and now 4 years later i strayed because i received comfort from someone else, and it started by just talking to a FRIEND, now i dont think we can recover from this as after my indescretion he took up with two different women... i dont know if i will ever get thru this...........

This is something that I have always found interesting about humans, when we have what we want we think it’s not what we need.
When we have what we need, we ignore it and treated as if it was unimportant, humans are the most difficult creatures to please or satisfy.

Folks take relationships for granted and the individual contribution that makes for a successful partnership. For the most part we are all interested in the same things, but tend to make it more complicated than should be for many love=sex and sex=acceptance, when should be understanding. Unconditional love and understanding breeds a beautiful intimacy, a person is more prone to open their heart when they feel safe and understood, when their basic relationship needs are met, what is interesting is we have become so driven by what we feel that we forget what the other may be feeling or going through.

We want what we cannot have, and what we have we must loose! Only to live an epiphany which underlines its value, and the sad truth is that at times its too late.

People profess to love simplicity but keep drowning on the complex ideals of a consumer and disposable society. What was good yesterday is bad today, the indispensable, today is replaceable and the simplicity of common courtesy and the altruism of friendship has long been forgotten.

It is said that war is the road to peace, I only wonder why has peace eluded so many considering battles have been fought and wars lost at a insurmountable cost of human life, relationships are the same the collateral damage at times is greater than the intended objective.

We try to lie to defend each others emotions, and guard with the out most fragility impurities that not even time can heal. We create distances and then try to justify them and forget, that these are created not by the span of time or miles apart but by the span that is allowed between hearts. Distances are created out of convenience to not deal with the realities that at times are cruel and brutal, distance at times is easier because the walls that are raised guard from the pain. The pain that comes form knowing that the one you love has his or her heart strings attached/intertwined with someone else for in fact that is what an emotional affair is.

An emotional affair can be stronger than a physical one, I say this in the facts that most physical relationships have no strong basis once the newness, and the alluring seduction of it wears off, the interest too dies, for its baseless. Emotional connections are the sharing of self and the opening of layers that a person at times would never shared with the one that is called; husband or wife. Couples can spend years together and still not know each other, or even compromise to learn about each other, normally so driven by daily lives and what as an individual we are feeling that the ‘us’ is forgotten. So driven by peripheral mundane issues, simple in nature and can cause for core of the relationship to deteriorate and rips at the fabric of that relationship. Love by choice is the very fabric that should be bringing the hearts together, breaching the gaps of distance and opening the doors of dialog, so that the road of mutual admiration and emotional connections can take place.
I feel that at times people get bored with what they have because they have never experience either extremes of the pendulum and I feel that at times the thrill of the pursue is a cheap thrill to a fulfill what cannot happen with the one we are committed to.

I'm the other woman in an emotional affair. I've never been party to any kind of infidelity before, and I certainly didn't seek this out. The man I am involved with is someone I've known casually for years. When my marriage fell apart, and I had to support my children alone, I e-mailed him with a business question. Knowing that he was in a committed relationship, I was surprised when he suggested we get together to talk. We discovered we had so much more in common than we ever realized, and really enjoyed each other's company.

We started e-mailing and texting more and more, up to 10 times a day. We see each other occasionally, and while our physical relationship would probably still be rated G, I'm sure he'd be embarrassed to have his girlfriend see us together, and I'm sure she would be devastated. He's a decent person, and clearly feels guilty about what he's doing, but my guess is that if he was getting the kind of affection and emotional support at home that he needed, this would never have happened. I never intended to take someone else's man, but I've really come to care for him deeply.

If you're trying to decide whether an emotional affair really is infidelity, take it from me - even without a sexual affair, this kind of "friendship" has disaster written all over it.

when i saw this article, i felt that it had a message for me. I met a married man from my husband's school reunion 2 weeks ago, and had an instant attraction for me, and i felt he had the same for me. He's very much married, successful in life and looks good for his age. He's been in my thoughts for a while...I've been debating with myself whether this is cheating or not. Well, thanks for this article, after reading it, i clearly know it is. I've been with my husband for 18 years, and we have a beautiful life and kids together, and don't wish to ruin it. I know that it was meant for me to see this article to clear my doubts. Thanks to my FRIEND above for showing me the right way.

To those who scoff at the idea of an emotional affair, put yourself in this scenario:

Your significant other meets someone else of the opposite sex at work. They hit it off and enjoy working together. Your SO talks about this person from time to time, but because you trust them, it seems like no big deal. Over time, they become close. They begin to meet for lunch, just the two of them. But you meet this person socially, they seem friendly, and once again, you trust your SO - so no big deal.

The lunches continue, at a level of frequency that you don't realize. Your SO has begun to talk to this person about problems they perceive in your relationship, or in you. Problems that your SO has never bothered bringing up to you before, so you are unaware of them. Your SO goes to this person's house a few times to "help them" with a project -- no sex occurs, but there is significant physical tension.

Soon, without your knowledge, your SO is sharing intimate details of your sex life with this other person, and complaining about things that (once again) your SO has never bothered to discuss with you. Your SO becomes more and more distant. Your SO puts less and less effort into the relationship with you. Your SO decides that this new person understands and anticipates their needs, in a way that you don't (not that your SO has ever even tried to express any of those needs to you). Your SO and this person discuss their high degree of physical attraction to one another.

Finally, your SO invites this person over on a night when he/she knows you will not be home. Your SO tells this person that he/she loves them and that they are the only one who truly understands them. For weeks before you become aware of this, your SO communicates and flirts constantly with this other person via text message -- sometimes right in front of you and without your knowledge. Eventually you find out that all of this has been taking place.

No actual sex takes place -- is it an affair? I sure as hell thought so, but for those who don't, I guess we just won't ever see eye to eye on this one.

My wife had a cyber affair with a "friend of a friend". It lasted a few months and then ended. I admit I was a little jelous when I found out but I decided that since he lived 1,500 miles away nothing would come of it and that it wasn't worth making a scene. This would have been very different if it had been someone local. I think that these situations have to be treated individually. You can't just lump them all together.

I'm so sorry to say that I'm one who had an emotional affair. I never looked at it as an affair. He was someone who made me feel..... excited and I don't mean sexually. I felt as if it was OK hes married and says how much he love his wife. He would tell me the things he wants to do for her and the things he does do for her. I liked hearing it, for years I felt so distant from my husband. I cant explain why I felt the need to keep the friend. Maybe because he was positive, always told me things will be OK with my husband. Even told me a prayer I could say to possibly help things along. Always told me to do things for myself..... But I was keeping him a secret. My husband found out about him not one but twice...... The first time I did let go for a short time. He would drive past the gym I worked out at and stop to say hi if I was coming or going that it how it started up again. Small chit chat here and there. What a dumb ass I am. We keep on talking but this time I tried to keep my husband out of it. Now we started to talk about things going on in our life, things we like , things we don't like, my kids, his kid, his sick mom, my sick mom, and so on..... Now here is the killer I text him do you feel bad? I seen him earlier that day and he inhaled something at a job said he was feeling bad could not breath, so i sent that text. He replied no, I replied good, he replied call me. So I did. He told me he was doing better said the rest of the day was slow bla, bla, bla. My husband found that text now he thinks I was having sex with this guy...That sucks no I SUCK NO WORDS CAN EXPLAIN ME. After a long 4 days he has agreed to go to marriage counseling I know its not for me but for our kids. I finally did what I should have done the first time I got rid of his phone number - e-mail - and I'm not going to go to the gym during his work hours. I know I don't deserve this chance. I never thought I could cause this much pain. So if you are doing it please stop. Its just not worth it.
You realize how much you love someone when you see them cry and how much you want to die because you made it happen.

I am current in an emotional affair. It actually started phyiscally and he and I develop feelings for one another and it threatening our marriages if we do both, so we can't. But we support another and I don't think either one of us wants to let go of the other. Eventually something will happen good or bad...I suppose.

Having a friend of the opposite sex isn't cheating. HIDING the friend from your spouse and giving emotional time and intimacy that BELONGS TO YOUR SPOUSE is cheating. If this person is such a great friend then introduce them to your family - I'll bet they get along just fine if they are both as great as you think they are.
We aren't talking about petty jealousy here, we're talking about giving away a part of your marital intimacy to someone else. BTDT

I am in an emotion and sometimes physical affair with a married man who works a few hours away from me. it started out as emotional, then he made a myspace page to see my pictures, then a facebook page, then he bought a new state-of-the art phone so he can call me and text me unlimited. We talk via IM all day at work. Just the other day he told me he is shocked at himself because he feels no remorse at all, which he says isn't like him. We also say we love eachother, but in the beginning we both made it clear he would not leave his wife and kids...but now he wants me to move to his city, he talks about his kids calling me "mom", and tells me if everything fell apart, he wouldn't look back because of me. I always thought since I rarely see him, it was not that big of a deal until recently. Also, I am terrified that his wife will find out, but I think maybe she won't because we are not very close proximity wise to one another, and its very hard for us to find time to be alone together. My friends tell me they think his wife must suspect due to his emotional distance, but I'm not so sure...suggestions? I don't want to break up a family, even though he claims he does not feel guilty at all and he adores me, I know he would be 100% remorseful and sorry if he got caught...Are long distance affairs often discovered?

What concerns me most is that people are confusing friendship with intimacy - deeply personal intimacy. You marry a person because they are THE person you choose to share that sort of thing with. If your relationship isn't what you'd hoped for, at least talk to the person about it. I think cowards cheat. It takes guts to be honest and discipline to be tactful in how you communicate that honesty.
To cop out and play the 'women are insecure and won't let me have friends card' is childish and a poor excuse for NOT taking responsibility for your own actions. If your partner is getting the emotional intimacy from you they need, than more often than not, so are you. It tends to go BOTH ways. If that is the case, I doubt the friendship outside of the marriage will be all that much of an issue.

An emotional affair was worse to me when it happened. I think I could have gotten over a one night stand if my ex had just had meaningless sex with someone. Instead this woman got TONS of my ex's time, emotional energy, frienship and money. She got the flowers for no reason, little gifts for no reason and by then, there was nothing left over for me. I begged and pleaded for him to stop the relationship but to no avail. Eventually I was so hurt, I had a one night stand just to feel like a woman again. When things were finally over with my ex and this woman, I admitted to my own infidelity. Several years later my ex finally told me he just couldn't trust ME anymore and divorced me. Now, six years later he realizes it was all his fault but the damage is already done. Emotional affairs are MORE of a betrayal because they generally last longer and leave the uninvolved spouse to suffer from a lack of intimacy.

There is also the aftermath...by being cheated on, how do you ever move on, rebuild that self-esteem and find someone to trust???

I am likely to get married very soon..n its an arranged marriage through a matrimonial site.We both felt attracted towards each other at our very first brief-meet.Then our parents intervened and took it up further.Before meeting this guy I had considered a few other proposals n one of them somehow turned into an emotional affair..which had initiated first over phone..n that lasted for approx. 2 months ...I was inclined to get married to him n due to this did exchange a few pics n emotional emails includig confessions of being in love with him as he was residing in different city..but later due to some valid reasons..like non intervention of his family's side n my parents not finding him too suitable for me and somehow realizing that maybe its more of an emotional inclination ..as I had never felt any kind of physical attraction towards him after we met..I decided to mutually end it up...but he was constantly in an indirect manner making me feel as if I was playing with his emotions..n making me feel guilty about it.I hadn't been able to say a final goodbye to him even though in my mind I was clear dat I didn't wish to marry him...n that was when I met this other person ..in my native place..I decided to break all emotional ties wid the first one before accepting the new proposal..so I sent him a mail saying I wudn't want to pursue this further as my parents n I feel that we r not compatible for marriage.I deleted all our previous mails n text messages...But he kept messaging me..so I called him up to say a final gudbye n even though he agreed that he wudn't bother me wid any more messages n that he was going abroad ..After 5-10 days I received another mail of his wid his new contact details..which I reported as a spam...Despite this.. I've received a msg on friendship day..I do not wish to keep anything to do wid him in future n from my side I feel that there is nothing at all left ..I mean the emotional factor..as physically I had never been involved from the very start...My only dilemna now is that do I mention about this guy to my future husband..or just let it go..I do not want my married life to be affected on any grounds because of this immaturity I had shown by sending emotional stuff n my pics...I'm really looking for some genuine advice...

For all men and woman that feel there marriage is boring or lost or maybe even over. Keep trying you make it work. For the ones that think everything is just fine need to listen. If your spouse try's to tell you how they feel and you just don't see it as a big deal think maybe it is to them. Stop and listen, for me it took 6 years of trying to tell him here and there what I needed for our relationship. We have been married for 10 years we have 2 kids and we never had time alone we would go out once a year have sex once a month. How do you keep a relationship strong on that. Maybe I could have done something to change that. YOU LIVE AND LEARN. I do love my husband. The man I was talking to could never fill his shoes. All he could do was occupy my mind for a short time. If your spouse asked for marriage counseling just do it what could it hurt. You both would be there for each other that way no one could get in between. If your spouse expresses to you something they need or they feel is missing, take it to heart as if it were your own personal feelings.

My husband had what we now realize was an "emotional affair" with a colleague. It began with flirtatious e-mails and texting, "progressed" to clandestine wining and dining during and independent of work-related events and peaked when he suggested they make it sexual. Because she had recently had a disastrous affair with a married man (she knew from the get go my husband was married and had even met me!), she said no. So they decided to continue their "friendship" which meant they continued to meet surreptiously. He told me he was working and traveling for business. She knew he wasn't and encouraged him to find "reasons" to visit (they work in different cities for the same company). It blew up when I accidentally found out. The worst part of it all: the (now I realize blind) trust I had in my husband was completely destroyed. We have been in couples counselling since January. He has acknowledged his mistakes and accepted his responsibilities and commitments to our marriage. I have re-examined my responsibilities and am learning to communicate more effectively. But the bottom line is this: that which was broken may never be sufficiently repaired to make this marriage work "anew". We have wonderfully warm, loving moments and then I am wracked with doubt. I honestly don't know if we are going to get through this. And we started as two people who deeply loved each other. (NOTE: My husband said he was aware from the early e-mails that his behavior was inappropriate. BUT he also thought since physical sex wasn't involved, his continued "friendship" was, somehow, not THAT serious a threat to our marriage. AND, I used to say a sexual trangression was a deal breaker. I had no idea how profoundly damaging an emotional "affair" would be.)

A few years ago I met a man who was married. I had been divorced for several years. We just chatted and from the beginning there was an attraction, chemistry. But in my mind right off the bat, he was married. And that was that. He was not available. And he felt the same. In that first initial conversation, he was not trying to hit on me, or pick me up but was just being friendly. I even saw pictures of his kids. But when I asked about his wife (he didn't wear a ring, never had due to his work)he simply said, we are struggling and have been for a few years now. Long story short, a couple months later I got an email from him, and we started a friendship. We realized we were each other counterparts, he was a male me, I a female version of him. We discussed all the things important we had in common, the things we both loved, his kids etc. There was no heated cyber sex, none of that at all. I think we respected our friendship too much for that. And the situation we were in as well. And our marriages. I had been in a loveless, passionless one for ten years and his was identical to mine. He never bad mouthed his wife. He respected her, she was a good mom and nice person, but he had known for years, that they really weren't good partners. And I knew that about my ex husband in the first year of a ten year marriage. So we had this painful thing in common as well. There were times when we both realized this friendship we had started was getting more than that, he did back off, so did I. But a couple months later he came back after 'trying' yet again with her but it just didn't happen. Two years ago he seperated from her both thinking that this could open up a chance for them to fall in love again. That entire year we didn't keep in touch. We both decided to go our seperate ways. I told him, as a friend, that if there was any chance of salvaging his marriage he needed to do everything he could. He is a tremendous Father, and his kids were the sole reason he stayed as long as he did. WE never had sex while he was still married, believe it or not and I would not have anyhow because of his marriage. But I have to say this and I believe it 100% an affair can not, and will not happen if the man (or woman) is completely happy. No one can break up a truly happy marriage. And many women (and men) are in denial when they say they never knew--well if you are truly connected to your partner in every way possible and there is deep love and respect, you will know when something is wrong. Just because you are still having sex with your partner has nothing to do with how he or she may be feeling emotionally. I was having sex with my husband before we divorced but there was no true deep love there. So dont be fooled that its all about sex. And the worst thing we can do is try to hang on when its over with. Some people are not meant to be together. And I truly believe in soul mates. And often we don't marry our soul mates, but if we're lucky enough to find them, and we are married to others at the time. There is nothing in the world that can stop that powerful pull to this other person. And let me tell you from experience, it has NOTHING to do with sex. And anyone who doesn't think you can't have an emotional relationship with someone else, is unfortunately very wrong.
For me, my friend and I are slowly planning our future together and are both thankful that we were lucky enough to have found our soulmates, it doesn't happen very often. Oh and his ex wife is with a new partner too. The kids are happier. Its turned out for the best. For all of us. But it does take time, patience and love.

Listen to yourselves!
there is such a thing as harmless flirting! if 2 ppl whole heartedly trust one another 100% then a little window shopping and banter doesnt destroy what should be a trustworthy relatiionship!!
Please, most ppl posting on here have been cheated on and are bitter so will agree with this article...
truth is men and women flirt. to say that ur man or woman never will the entire time he/she is with u is CR4P!!
wake up and smell the coffee, those that snoop in there partnes phones need to wonder y there partners left them....
I think a small percentage of u on here have a valid point... yes if my partner started ditching my quality tme to go and see someone else than its a diff matter but banter in the workplace and talking when out? ridiculous. this is the yr 2008 ppl!

Five years ago I likely would've suggested that an "emotional affair" was the stuff of fairy tales.

I no longer believe that.

As a married man, for nearly 18 years at that time, I had no plan or desire to leave my wife or even be unfaithful to her regardless of the struggles we had had (not just a few of the struggles were my fault, for sure). When a co-worker and I, however, enjoyed an after-hours talk in her office I found myself thinking how wonderful it was to just sit and have an intelligent and lively chat with an attractive woman.

This co-worker (a married woman...her third marriage, in fact) was, and still is, a very attractive woman and I found her so from the first time I saw her, two years earlier. She's smart, organized, pretty as a picture, has a gorgeous body, is a great conversationalist, classy, articulate, friendly and just wonderful to be around.

We could both tell that there was an attraction there and yet neither backed down. But we didn't "put the pedal to the metal" either.

We would take "power walks" in and around our work building during her breaks. The conversation never waned and the time together was priceless.

Occasionally we'd go out to lunch: meet at a park, to a local fast-food outlet, etc. And it was always about just being together...talking. And neither of us talked disparingly of our spouses. It wasn't about them.

As time went by, maybe a month or two, I could tell that not being with her was something I did not want. I didn't love her but I sure did like her a lot. For her part, she proclaimed once, in a very brief and one-sided "conversation" at my desk that "I don't love you!" Well, I figured what that was all about but didn't really pursue it.

Neither of us wanted to hurt our respective marriages/spouses (I had actually worked with him and so knew him as more than an acquaintance...really nice guy, too) but realized that there was an increasingly emotional connection between us and that denying it would be pointless and a lie. Yet we worked hard to not let the relationship escalate to the physical level, as difficult as that would prove to be.

We'd e-mail and call and just talk. Time with her was, in a word, wonderful. And I'd love to do things for her that I couldn't seem to do for my wife, especially, buy her little things would tell her that I was thinking of her: a little pin, a card, and, especially, a copy of a children's book she had once mentioned in passing that held fond memories for her.

(My wife is imminently practial, so much so in fact that rarely could a gift from me to her have no practical use. It seemed I couldn't give a gift JUST to give a gift.)

One night around Christmas time, she called me and asked me to pick her up. I obliged, happily so, and we went for a drive around town to look at Christmas lights. We held hands in the car and, when we were done, I gave her a kiss on the cheek. She assured me that the kiss would stay there.

We both knew, of course, what that meant.

I was both sad and in agreement.

We later formalized the end to our relationship in a parking lot meeting some weeks later.

I was devastated. Why? I had not found my "soulmate" or something like that. I knew that, be it my fault or not, I would be going back to a lone (and alone) relationship with my wife, full of empty and passionless conversation.

Later I told my friend that, as hard as it was to go back to my wife and try and make things better, I figured that, at that time, I had about 40 more years, at most, before I'd be dead and then it all wouldn't matter.

Now I'm down to about 35 years and am still hopeful that it'll be shorter than that.

I never told my wife about that woman, who I've seen maybe once in the past three to four years and, except for the yearly birthday card I send her, we don't communicate. (She has never responded to my cards, by the way.)

The memories I have of her are fond ones. Being with her opened up my eyes to some things, for better or worse.

In any event, if there ever was an "emotional affair" I'd say that was it: I hid it from my spouse and, I'm certain, she hid it from hers; our meetings were, for the most part, clandestine; there was a deep emotional connection that I hadn't experienced in years and it was wonderful. But it never went past hand-holding and a peck on the cheek.

We simply found in each other what we hadn't found in (or given to) our spouses. And I guess that's really not that much different from why others have emotional affairs.

I'm the cl on the Cyber-Cheating and Emotional Affairs board. We have both sides of the EA on our board. I've been on both sides of an EA personally. I think that Dr. Saltz is right on! These are the things that are so damaging to relationships. We have a handful of ladies who take their EAs to a friendship. However, there is still some secrecy involved in those friendships or their feelings for the affair partner. That secrecy is something that makes it difficult, if not impossible, to move an EA into a friendship.

The difference between friends and an EA is that you are giving your emotional energy to someone other than your partner. In doing so, you destroy your relationship with your partner.

I agree that it is cheating if the person you are dating, living with, engaged, married, etc to is contacting another and engaging in conversations, emails, and or texts that they would have or send if the person they are in a relationship with were right there with them. I think that if the person truely loves you and wants to be with you then they should respect you enough to send the text, emails and conversations to you like it should be. I've been through it and the person I was with didn't consider it cheating and didn't understand why i didn't trust them. The article was great in explaining how one loses the trust with emotional cheating.

There is no such thing as an emotional affair in my opinion. I respect yours ,but i just look at it from another angle. If you meet your perfect match, why stay with somebody just because "the contract says so" and make that person and yourself unhappy and miserable?. It is up to each person to determine whether to take things to another level or just stay as friends . There is nothing wrong with being playful and even flirt with somebody , it is a matter of choosing the right outcome.

Contrary to what some people think emotional affairs ARE real. They do happen. People do get hurt. I know because I was involved in one for well over 2 years. He was married, I wasn't (although I was in a relationship at the time). We had a lot in common and it was nice to be able to talk to someone who had gone through similar events in their life. The affair was strictly online (we lived in different countries) but it was highly sexual at times. We had both convinced ourselves that it wasn't cheating because we weren't actually doing anything with one another but deep down we both knew that it was. We would chat online for hours, sometimes well into the morning (I remember one time we didn't end our chat until after 4:30 a.m.). He would always jump to another screen if we were chatting and his wife came into the room. I never told my now-ex-boyfriend about the relationship. We were both consumed by guilt about our emotional involvement yet there were times when we both felt powerless to stop it. After about 2 years, we did finally end the emotional/cybersexual aspect of it. We are, however, friends still, although not to the same extent.

am a44year old woman who lost her husband after 16years of being togather things got extreamely hard for me since am also being retired and living off benefits paying a morage and trying to raise two kids, I met up with an old school friend who basically took controll of everything since he was married to a friend the relationship was never sexual but there were times that I felt that I could not live without him there were constant rumours of a relationship between us but we constantly denied it at lease I did. It wasn"t until I meet a man five years into this relationship and fall in love that I really relize how much my friend was involved with me I did not had the same feeling for him and the relationship becme strained and my lover my was very unconfortable with us so i cut off all communications with him. But I found out not too longafter that my new found love was had two wives three kids one was devorce and the other he said separated but still one he phone with every moment and another woman that he was still in a relationship with. I was heart broken nevertheless and the 40 pounds that i was trying to loose for 8years came off within two months with an added bonus of 20 more. However I ended up back with my shool friend crying and surviving on his shoulders.To cut this rather soap story short I got back with my six timer maneee but never cut the relationship with my friend sneek out to talk with him I call him whenever my boyfriend was not at home and even cook meals and spend time with him still no sex although I kissed him i tell myself that i was just doing that to keep his friendship I still denied that we were lover because there was no sex or the talk of sex.Again there was a break up same rumour more people involved i swear that i will not talk to this man again because is is lying saying that we had a relationship for years. I dont no what to do I cant admit that to amyone because I have so publicaly denied it to every one even try bringing this man down but am feeling now is a lot of pain and hurt. My boyfriend is trying to work things out although he says it just a friendship am cooking and doing other stuff for him we have the best sex in the world and we are still able to laught and have fun togather but it feels like a forbiden thing. (Our relationship)

Well, aside from Gail's point of view is, I have to concur with her to a degree. I do believe that when a relationship is sloping downhill and there is nothing but problems, women (and sometimes men) go to friends or new people for emotional love and support. There is no problem, whatsoever, to go a new person and have a platonic affair with them, thus the term, "Platonic" means transcending physical desire and tending toward the purely spiritual or ideal.

If the platonic relationship goes even further where it becomes physical, then therefore, I do agree with the good, but bitter doctor that yes, it is indeed an affair that will lead to betrayal to your significant other.

As long there's no sex involved, no one is hurt emotionally. Everyone gets that void filled and everyone's happy. You can't expect to just stay with your mate 24-7, do you? I personally love my boyfriend to death, but if we have problems in our relationship, I would turn to my male friends for moral and emotional support. But that also means, I don't fuck my friends, either. So therefore, Ms. Gail, that is not cheating.

Nearly a month ago, my husband discovered that I was having an emotional affair. I was doing so online, with a couple of men. I had given these men my cell number as well and we would also text. I received a text while my husband was standing with me and he grabbed my phone from me and read it. I was mortified, embarrassed, ashamed and the worst, I did not want to hurt him, I never wanted to hurt him, never.

I didn't project the future wondering how I would get out of these affairs, I was only in them for the moment, with no intent or goals for a future. Dr. Saltz says we have them for several reasons, I did for two of them, recognition and because our marriage was troubled. I take FULL responsibility for what I did and made the choice to do it.

My husband graciously accepted me back into his heart and we could not be happier or more connected than we've ever been than now. We have learned to communicate in a way we never knew, we listen to one another and what our needs are physically and emotionally. I hate to say that something good came out of this tragedy, but am so glad that my husband and I are where we are now. We had discussed emotional affairs several times, before I had ever got involved and we both agreed adamantly that they were affairs just as a physical one was. We agreed that if we ever said something to the opposite sex that we would never say in front of one another that we had crossed the line. That was something that kept us in check. And now, here I am, guilty of hurting him in the most terrible way, and losing his trust and respect. He is truly wonderful for giving me a second chance, I'm not sure I could.

Thanks for listening, I needed to voice this to the world...though I hide my name to keep him anonymous.

Raven's sentiment that, basically, as long as I don't "f*** my friends" it "is not cheating" made me wonder about what it is that makes up a relationship...at least one wherein cheating could happen.

To suggest that cheating in such a relationship happens only when there is no sex involved condemns that relationship to only one dimension: the physical. We all know, however, that such a thing is not true.

The progression in our multi-dimensional relationships is obvious: friends, close friends, BEST friend, we "fall in love" and then make a lifelong commitment to that BEST friend.

The relationship is built on commonality, friendship, sharing, feelings, desires, trust, laughter, listening, supporting, fulfilling fantasies and sex.

It seems to me we sell short what helped build that relationship and maintains it by suggesting that only a sexual affair is the only real affair.

I think it is possible to have platonic friends of the opposite sex, but there are boundaries when you're married. There are certain women I could care less about my husband being friends with, and others that have bothered me a great deal in the past. It's the vibe I get about the woman in question, and how he acts when he is around her, or talks about her. Emotional cheating is VERY hurtful, but I don't see it as being as severe as physically cheating. Just because you love your spouse does not mean you are incapable of developing feelings for another person. It's what you do with it. If EC leads to PC, than of course you need to rethink your marriage. However, if your spouse has feelings for another person, but doesn't show it to you, or them EVER, than you would have that much MORE trust that relationship is very strong. I answered "Maybe", I just think this is a subject that would depend greatly on an individual's experience with it. Personally, I think EC can also lead to a great deal of growth in a marriage.

I have a blog, www.bisforbonnie.blogspot.com and my 6/30/08 posting was on "Emotional Cheating"...happy reading!

i think that an affair has to be physical. Some of the things that the emotional affairs talk about, i do with another girl but i would never have sex with someone other than my soon to be wife. Sex is what crosses the line. How can you trust a woman or man if they are secretly having sex with other people. I would never say that my wife is cheating if she talked to other guys. I would be pissed but i would not think that she was cheating nor should she think that i am cheating. As long as you can still have sex and laugh at eachothers jokes everything is good.

Voting 'yes' is like saying that ur mate cannot have any opposite sex friends, and friends should only be mutual ones. It is a great deal of immaturity, and lack of self confidence in urself if u feel that way. Grow up ppl. My guy can have female friends. When I feel the love slipping from me and being diverted elsewhere...its just time to split, marraige or not. But can't say "I love you, sweetie, . . . conditionally!" How stupid is that. If he/she is going to cheat its going to happen regardless, not because they have opposite sex friends.

according to this criteria i am having affairs with everyone i know including my family...yes there are such things as emotional affairs but i think the criteria needs to be re thought, every woman has close girlfriends and if you have a good relationship with your mother then does that count as an emo affair, i have several close male friends too that i have known for alot longer than my SO. BUT I don't keep any of these meetings/conversation online or off a secret, i think it's a bit hard when jumping up and down squealing the prick sent me a message lol and reading it out word for word.
In this day and age i think everyone is too concerned with other peoples opinions and what the norm is, of course you should consider your SO's opinion if they have a problem with something or someone you talk it out thats what healthy relationships are and should be, if your having communications issues with your partner or lack of sex then it may be a problem but my SO and i have a great sex life and try to find couple time in a busy world of work and kids etc etc.
I think it comes down to the type of person you are and what is normal for you and IMO sex with another is the ultimate betrayal, every one needs someone to vent to and people outside of a relationship to talk to about things intimate or not.. girls and boys will compare notes so to speak but there are lines of course if every conversation you have online with someone is sexual in nature or leads to sexual content then yes you probably are having an emotional affair but then again not always i guess it depends on feelings involved and the frequency, but if you just go on the criteria above namely #2 #3 and #4 the everyone is guilty... where is the trust that a friend is just that.. A FRIEND

Being as it may, I myself am out of a marriage of 13 years. Not due to an affair at all. However, now I find myself the last several years the "kept woman" for another. He is not married, but has been with this other woman for some time now (not as long as he has known me however). While it does affect me emotionally, she does know now. And as much as I don't condone this type of behavior, I find myself unable to let him go. Sometimes, I feel like "she" is the other woman, in the heart of it all...

tis gives me a lot of important information.its realy make me feel my fault.tank q Dr.

The bottom line whether emotional or otherwise, if your partner feels the need to seek something from another - then something IS lacking. And yes, you can LOVE two people at once.

For example if you have invested 20 years into a marriage, and you have children, but your spouse withholds sex because she knows that that is her power base and that forces you in turn to withhold your intimacy (both physically, emotionally and verbally) it then becomes a mexican stand off and both parties become resentful of each other. They still LOVE each other, they love their kids, but they don't LIKE each other and yes as painful as it is they realize that they may have married too early and aren't as compatible as they thought, and so because of this both parties live unhappily with the status quo. A sexless marriage where they are like room mates who barely tolerate each other and both unwittingly seek elsewhere that which the other doesn't give them, but neither commits sexual adultery for fear the other will use it against them.

So what happens to two good people who fall out of love, but have built for all intents and purposes what appears from the outside as a 'perfect' marriage, but scratch the surface and there is no communication, no love making, no encouragement, no support, no halfway point. But neither has the guts to call it quits. What do you do? You develop emotional attachments to others. You have inappropriate feelings for others.

Look around folks, it's happening everywhere.

i absolutely agree with most... emotional affairs are very damaging in the same way addictions are . . . the lying, sneaking, hiding, betrayal, living a "double-life" in some cases. . . all lead to less and less true intimacy with your partner. How can I lay in bed at night with my partner and want to share everything but can't because one of us has something we have to hide at all costs. Like addictions, it makes the "offender" moody, withdrawn, aggressive at times, unpredictable, unreliable. . . because one partner can no longer truly be him/herself. I can see that in old, stale relationships it can be a "needed" escape, wake-up, "whatever", but even then, it usually leads to more un-happiness in the current relationship. I say if you need to be with someone else, do your partner a favor and GET OUT of the committment you are in before you take all your hopes, dreams, and feelings to someone else. If you are not getting what you need in a relationship, your partner probably isn't either. I have been on BOTH sides - the emotional cheater and the one cheated. It is still the ultimate betrayal, as stated, because of the lying and deception. Just my 2 cents.

Dr. Saltz has a point in saying that emotional affairs are real and dangerous to a marriage, but she misidentifies the point at which a friendship crosses that line. She talks about the behaviors involved, but as several commentors have pointed out, her list includes mostly things that are perfectly acceptable between same-sex friends. It isn't behaviors that create the problem in emotional affairs - it's feelings!

The damage from an emotional affair occurs whether the spouse finds out about it or not, because it happens in the mind of the partner having the affair. Friendship crosses the line into an affair when you begin to mentally compare your friend to your partner, and find your partner lacking. Suddenly, nothing your partner does or says can satisfy you, because your friend understands/knows/supports/comforts/cheers you up better than your partner ever could. Usually by that point, if there hasn't actually been a shared-fantasy-type discussion between the "friends," then at least there have been fantasies about being involved with the friend. This is typically known as "falling in love," and that is the point on which an emotional affair pivots - you are definitely cheating, because you are in love with someone other than your partner, to whom you have made a commitment.

Still, I have to say this: it is possible to love two people at once; otherwise, no parent could ever love more than one child! Think about it! (The mark of intelligence is the ability to see the other side of the issue on your own.)

To me emotional cheating, means loving another within the relationship one may be currently in. It is the breach of trust that holds the foundation of Love.

Yet........

Without the relationship, the breach of trust, it is non existant.

I have been single for 8 years ( divorced) but yet I do hold hope , wheter I meet my intended in the produce isle or online. Who knows, yet , my internet usage at my time of divore was mininual.( I was new to the internet ) I do still believe there is someone out "there" for me. To Share, to Laugh, mostly to Love.

So, I suspose, it depends on what kind of relationship one may be in to call it "emotional cheating" .

Yes, some can be hurt and most are. But know that once, Love has been connected, there is no better feeling. No matter where it comes from.

I vote maybe... & yes I have been cheated on by my ex-husband! more than once! emotionally & physically. I took him back because I loved him & because people are human & make mistakes! I never cheated on him & never would have. My best friend is of the opposite sex. We share so much more,than he does with his wife, about work, our kids, our passions (& I don't mean sex) in life & so much more. She does not take the time for him, she wants to be his mother instead of a spouse. So is he cheating on their her because we listen to & understand each other? NO!!!!!!! Maybe if she would have been more interested in being a partner & less interested in being a boss...maybe things would be different between them. He told his wife that he would never give up our friendship for any reason & I won't give it up either! I feel that this is a personal issue for each & every individual & not for other people to judge others!!! I've always said that "If everyone minded their OWN BUSINESS instead of everyone elses, this would be a much better world to live in!"

To me emotional cheating, means loving another within the relationship one may be currently in. It is the breach of trust that holds the foundation of Love.
Yet........

Without the relationship, the breach of trust, it is non existant.

I have been single for 8 years ( divorced) but yet I do hold hope , wheter I met my intended in the produce isle or online. Who knows, yet , my internet usage at my time of divore was mininual. I do still believe there is someone out "there" for me. To share , to Laugh, mostly to Love.

So, I suspose, it depends on what kind of relationship one may be in to call it "emotional cheating" .

Yes, some can be hurt and most are. But know that once, Love has been connected, there is no better feeling.

When we first met our SO we did emotionally go through all the attraction before we decided to get together. Then why do we loose that feeling after a while? Why do we start looking for that in someone else again? I truly believe if you dont look, you dont find. It won't happen if you don't want it to happen. Then why do u let it happen?

Hmm My husband has had a female friend for 5 years He swears never been to bed with her it was just a frienfd to talk to so much has happened with this situtaton I dont know what to beleive anymore It has haunted me every night for the last 8 months when I found out I dont sleep because it wakes me up I cry everyday and wonder how you can have a friend to talk instead of your wife, but he chose to come home and stay married I am so confused

well, emotional affair is betrayal. It is dangerous and most if the time, it would leaf to an unhappy ending. I don't trust that being "emotionally engaged" and the two people can become friends again. It is rediculous unless one of the parties was just in a playful manner and never been serious at all. And emotional affair might not be controlled. Very often, when two people emotional connected, they fall into love and most of the time, it will lead to itimacy even it is not sex afterall... However, if an emotional affair leads to kisses, is it still an emotional affair? I doubted! Please behave and don't harm your precious relationship with your exisitng half!!!

I believe that emotional affairs are real and am currently involved in one. It was never intentional and my husband does not know, but the guilt and betrayal are very real.

My story is innocent enough, we met on a gaming site and became partners. We would talk during games and eventually moved to IM and emails. This escalated to exchanging cell numbers so we could text and talk on the phone. Saturday mornings were our "special" time when we would talk for a couple hours - my husband and children would be away. I could share ideas, hopes and dreams with him, he has a way of making me feel things that no ever has (and that is hard to let go of - believe me I tried).

I love my husband very mucha and would never leave him. But I know that if he were to ever out he would be very (and rightly so) hurt and feel betrayed.

My advice to anyone in similar circumstances - get out while you can. Eventually your feelings will become too strong to ignore and you will act on them

For those who state "it's nobody's business"...well, it is the person's business who is being betrayed/lie to/cheated upon. Like the husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend and let's not forget if there are children involved as well. If you have to be secretive, lie about who you are talking to, make up stories of your whereabouts/activities, take out credit cards behind your partner's back, have a cell phone that is unknown to your partner....then you are in denial. Not only to yourself, but also to your partner. Cheating is cheating!
Be it emotional, physical, or a combination of both.

I am all for having friendships outside the marriage or committed relationship. It is healthy and "no man/woman is an island". However, boundaries and limits should be identified, discussed, and agreed upon as a couple. If you cross that line, then suffer the consequences that accompany your actions. Relationships are based on mutual trust, respect, intimacy, and communication. If any of these basic elements are missing, then the results can be devastating.

You also have people that do not have the courage to get out of an unhappy situation, continue to cheat, but yet want to go hime to the husband/wife at the end of the day. You can't have your cake and eat it too! Step up to the plate! Either break it off completely, come clean, take responsibility, and re-build your relationship if it's worth it. Or take the appropriate measures/steps to go your separate ways. And yes...even file for divorce. You owe it to yourself, your partner, and to your kids. Enough said!

I do believe in emotional affairs (and have been victim to one), and of course secrecy in any relationship spells trouble, but according to these guidelines my husband is having an emotional affair with his mother, and I am having one with my parents and brother. I mean, setting aside talk time for someone else constitutes as cheating? Telling someone else things you don't normally tell your spouse? There are just some things that are better discussed between two women or between two men. I don't think most husbands are too keen on hearing all the details of our womanly issues, and even if they are, they can't actually understand them. Sorry, I just can't agree with this article on these "guidelines" at all. I don't believe that when two people get married they get fused into one person. If you've ever had a close friend or ever want one, I hope you set aside talk time for them! And no, not all friends become mutual friends. It is important for each person's development and mental health to have their own support system. Maybe I'm just too "modern"!

What if you aren't getting anything from your spouse? I talk to other people cause he doesn't give a S*** about me or his children. I don't talk sexually, I tell everyone thats not what I am looking for. But it's sure nice to talk to someone and laugh and tell them about your day. I don't think its cheating at all.

What if you aren't getting anything from your spouse? I talk to other people cause he doesn't give a S*** about me or his children. I don't talk sexually, I tell everyone thats not what I am looking for. But it's sure nice to talk to someone and laugh and tell them about your day. I don't think its cheating at all.

itz actually devastating........
my story has all psbl twist n turns...
i wz in lov wid dis man....finally it resulted breaking hiz marriage......but thtz not all.....
i m blamed for it,but he hd end number ov affairs/physical relationships/casual sex/paid sex....seemz he didn't leave nythng t experience in this small lyf....

Worst,i wz sensing smtm,bt wz nvr in habit ov checking hiz fone or mistrusting him.
i alwayz tuk him on straight face value.........

and den he cheated again....proposed to marry her...and worst wz sleeping wid me tym n again too.....

finally he iz broken wid her...came bck to me....

and again started seeing her.
i objected to dis .....n i m thrown,dumped by him now.

It hz broken my self-esteem...i tuk lill mor tym,bt survived this jolt....

I m single.................
BUT TO D END OV MY LAST BREATHE,I WUD NOT FORGET THIS WOUND...HOW CAN U CHEAT SO MANY PEOPLE IN A ROW N STILL POSE TO BE AS IF U R A SAINT...........N BLAMING ME STILL FOR BREAKING OV HIZ MARRIAGE....

itz not only cheating,itz criminal....

I ll wait fr d day...whn he getz his share ov cheatingz/hurts/wounds.......I DON' INTEND TO FORGIVE HIM IN THIS LIFE

Sure, it's cheating. It's lying to your spouse.

But then again - there's much more than just that which involves intimacy or sex that can technically constitute "cheating", or at least being a neglectful partner. If your husband has a gaming streak that takes priority over you, or constantly has to have his friends in your house - to me, that's really no different. He's so business living another life that he has no time for the woman he married.

Does it make anything BETTER to cheat? Indeed not. It'd be a lot wiser to simply leave, and a lot of people do. But not everyone can. So for those trapped between a rock and a hard place - they can't leave, but the other person will do NOTHING to help their own marriage - I say go nuts. If your partner won't get off his keister and make you feel like you're worth anything to him, find someone who will.

Alright I have a problem and am hoping for someones help. I have been seeing this guy for about a year now and love him with all my heart but he keeps breaking it and my trust. His EX and him text, talk to each other, and hang out. She even used to spend the night and this was after we started sleeping together. I told him that I was not comfortable with this even though he swore that they were not sleeping together because they weren't interested in each other that way anymore. So when I had finally had enough thats when the overnights stopped but not the talking, texting, or hanging out. He even went out with her for a night on the town in a different town thinking I wouldn't find out but I heard about it the very next day from a friend that they were out together. When she comes over I am not asked to stay even though he says that he only wants me. I have asked him to have her remove personal artifacts from the house and still wait. Although this weekend I had told him it was over and to think of me as dead he tells me that he thinks I am his one and only. He told me that he told her to take a hike and that it was only me and him. If I would be his girlfriend, this is the first time he has offically asked me that. But now this morning because of all that has happened I don't trust him so his phone was there and I looked at it. SHE is texting him like they are still friends and he swears that he told her to bug off. What should I do I want to trust him and believe him but I am so scared of getting hurt by him again? Am I stupid cause I love him and want to make it work and make a go of a relationship? I never told him he couldn't be friends with her but that if he was only interested in me than i should be able to stay at least once to meet her. Yes I told him no overnights and that her things had to go but would it honestly fly if the shoe was on the opposite person?

I've been with my husband for 8 months, together for a year and a half. He has an ex that was his first love. When i met him, he hadnt been with her for a long time now but then she requested me as a friend on myspace. he had told me she broke his heart and she hurt him. I tried being nice to her but I didnt appreciate the comments she would leave him. She would always remind him of their memories and stuff. I caught myself having to check his texts because I knew she wrote him, and we have had several fights because of how they talk to each other. I've tried telling him angry, sad, calmly, playing around, etc that it hurts me because I feel she's always my shadow and i will never live up to what they had. She was married at the time and even her husband would text mine telling him he was gonna make him hang out with her! My husband told me his history since the beginning.When we moved from the place we were living, he left overseas to work and i would hate that she would leave him comments n stuff saying i miss you. Well now im overseas with my husband and she still texts him often, she's now divorced. She sends him emails, which i discovered he had old pics of her in a file, including an old naked one. we had a huge fight about it and he argues that those are his memories.He apologized for hurting me.He erased the pictures which made me happy but i just feel so ugly that they text and email each other. I dont wanna keep nagging him about it because i know that will just push him far away and not love me anymore.The way she talks to him is not appropriate. I know he loves me because he shows me day and night but he really cares about this friend *his ex* because they were friends before they went out. he tells me i need to stop feeling insecure and realize he doesnt love her, that theyre just friends. but he just doesnt understand how much it hurts, she's like a shadow there all the time. he's a great husband and i couldnt ask for a better man, i just wish he wouldnt text her back when she texts or accept her emails, but i know that will take time because we are barely married. anyone has any advice? i would really appreciate it.

Lala,

You know what, the situation makes you uncomfortable and miserable, and I'm willing to bet if the situation were reversed that your man would not put up with it. Tell him to stop his correspondence with this woman NOW.

Tell him that he is disrespecting you and he's disrespecting the marriage, and further tell him that HE KNOWS if you had an ex lurking in the background doing to you what this woman is doing to him, he would not stand for it. You will not stand for it. You refuse to be direspected. But its bigger than the two of you. This is your marriage. There are supposed to be two people and you feel like there's three. This has NOTHING to do with your insecurtiy, tell him to stop using that as a cop out.

Don't give him an ultimatum, but if he continues to accept that woman's e-mails, etc. Let him know that you will have no choice but to consider that he does not take your relationship seriously and you will have to act accordingly. And mean it Lala. Because, I'm sorry, there's no way in hell I would put up with this bs. It's bs. There's no reason for him to be having a relationship at all with this woman, period. Don't listen to his crap about your insecurities. Men ALWAYS say that when they want to have their cake and eat it to. He already knows how this is hurting you and making you feel uneasy, but all he can do is erase a few pictures and tell you how insecure you are? Co'mon, girlfriend.

Have some respect for yourself. Put your foot down. He's getting something out of this relationship with the ex. You need to put an end to it before it's too late.

man just ve to stick to what they ve, there not a thing u will desire in getting in invovled in EA that u don't ve in partner. for me i prefer being the really man, respect is more in self-control and sincerity. life is sweeter with less secret and more love. you know; CHEATING IS CHEATING. thanks

This last year and a half has been one of the most physically draining and devastating experiences of my life. I have two children, the youngest is only 7 months old. When he was 4 months old I found a text message on my partners phone asking someone if they would like to meet up for coffee to catch up. When I called the number it was his ex-girlfriend. The reason I checked his phone is because I knew he was keeping something. I knew because I knew he was lying to me, he had been hiding his phone the entire time I was pregnant, was increasingly distant and moody to me.

LF said it all "the lying, sneaking, hiding, betrayal, living a "double-life" in some cases. . . all lead to less and less true intimacy with your partner. ... "offender" moody, withdrawn, aggressive at times, unpredictable, unreliable. . . "

During the first half of the pregnancy he was on facebook constantly to a girl at work, he worked in a warehouse and she was in the office, so they had no need to be in contact anyone. Regardless it didnt bother me. Having friends of the opp sex is not a problem. Its when that "friendship" becomes more important than ur life, ur family life, ur children. I would come home after a full day at work, cook dinner, get my other sons clothes ready for school and my own, and prepare his lunch while my so called partner would be online to this "friend". If I asked for his help say to read our son a bed time story or help him get ready for bed, I was being a dominating bitch expecting him to yell how high as if I was asking him to jump. He made the friendship with her more important than it actually was and it came before me constantly. He sent her a secret gift one night and when I logged on to his f/b account I saw that he had tried to delete it. When I asked about it he said he"forgot" what it was and it was nothing. Months later after all of his betrayals have been discovered (I hope all, who knows) I find out the gift was pink fluffy handcuffs. It is juvenile yes, but that is a gift his pregnant fiance wasnt sent. If I was getting love and attention none of this would have been a problem.

Anyway when I found out about the text to the ex when our baby was then 4 months he first tried to deny it, then said it only happend one other time to ask for a friends no. I said I would call her to ask, he called my bluff kindly offering to dial for me. He cruelly and cowardly let me find out from her that he had been messaging and calling her for the last two years.... before we chose to have another child. The shock was devastating and I left him. He then came to me where I was staying with the children telling me how sorry he was how much he loves me, and as hard as it was he was atleast glad everything was out inm the open.

Until I came across his secret myspace profile that said he was single. Not only did I (our 5 yr relationship) not exist in this online world of his, nor did his child. I would have been in the first 2 trimesters when he was at work, online flirting up a storm with all these girls. He had 100 plus girls on his profile, who called him babe and hun etc etc. If I knew about this and I was one of them again I would not have been so devastated. One girl in particular seemed to write on his wall alot, at first he couldnt remember her.... then there were no secret messages between them until finally he "confessed" that she asked to meet up with him. Completely devastated I broke down, could not beleive that whilst we were picking names for our unborn child he was sneaking around behind me online. He said that this girl must have been pretty insecure bacause she asked to meet up with him with little interest from him. After 20 minutes or so of just complete shock, I thought more about this, I know my partner and I know when I am being lied to. So I said to him, no .... tell me the truth. You asked to meet her didnt u. His answer, face full of "remorse" was yes.... but it wasnt like that and I didnt. She msg back to say when and I then msgd her back to say I didnt want to.

Just one more thing after another kept happening. Drawing my pain out like I was dying slowly. Wou;ld have been sooooo much less painful if it happened just once, was a one n ight stand or I found out all at once. Instead every time I built back some trust I would find out something else....

I fleed to Brisbane, the other side of Oz to stay with my family there to try to deal with my pain. Again he would contact me every day, how sorry he was, how much he hated himself.. He couldnt believe he had lied and hurt me like this. He even "surprised" me by the romantic gesture of flying to Brisbane for the w/end to be with me and the kids and again tell me that he was glad now I knew everything and he loved me so much. Was just dumb and immature and not communicating and now he sees the error of his ways, how selfish he had been. How important I was to him, how much he loved me blah blah blah.

Again, I came back to to him, trying to rebuild some of the lost trust. As part of this I felt the need, as childish as it was to email the b/friend of the girl at work who he had sent the pink fluffy handcuffs too to tell him that his g/friend had been keeping things from him. Very childish I admit however I cant regret it because the response was....

No actually the culprit wasnt my girlfriend by so and so who is now pregnant as a result.....

The girl messaged me too to say it wasnt her but that it was this other girl....

another girl....

another story....

first he didnt know her, then it was just a girl who had a crush.... he never gave her his number.... she guessed it.... Again I am not a fucking idiot though staying with this idiot seems to contradict that! But I kept pressing him because I knew when he was lying. First he told me that they never went and had lunch together, she got him maccas one day that was it, until evetually he confessed they went together....ANyone knows deep down, especially if they know a person well, when they are being lied to. SO eventually he admitted that yes he gave her his number, but nothing happened, he didnt want anything from her etc etc etc.

If there was nothing wrong with it, then why didnt he tell me about her? Why then was I ignored for the whole of my pregnancy and instead of texting me when he finished work was he texting her????? Now he is messaging me constantly, tells me how sorry he is, he loves me, wants a life with me these girls all meant nothing. But all trust is completley gone, the only reason I now have any reason to see him is because of our children. I resent him for making me go through the pregnancy alone, he never bonded with me over it or anything. I communicated the whole way through how I felt, when I had my doubts. On one occassion he even changed his mobile number. THis was shortly after our baby was born, and at the time I knew somethign was up with it. I asked him what the story was, that somethjing didnt seem right, I even said to him "who has ur no that u dont want tooo" All the time he said I was insecure and paranoid... in this instance he just liked the new number. Months later when I found out about each new girl I asked him if that was why he had changed it, because of his ex and yes of course it was.

It is just like an addiction, he couldnt help himself. He got a new number only to continue contacting her anyway. These are all emotional affairs, regardless of the extent they all took his time and energy away from me and our children and the guilt he did feel was turned against me. There might have been no sexual contact, but these girls all fulfilled the "girlfriend" role in some way or another. It is not about being friends with the opposite sex. It is the betrayal of trust by keeping these "friends" secret. Things are kept secret for a reason and how many secrets is too much.... cheating is cheating.

Of course an emotional affair is cheating! It's very subtle but the end result is very obvious. Most people who are guilty of emotional affairs are the ones who say they don't think it's cheating. I just find it interesting that those people are very judgmental toward others when they do it.

An emotional affair (an affair of the heart as I call it) is definitely devastating to any serious relationship. A sexual affair, on the other hand, is a physical act and often no deep feelings exist for the other person involved.
Having lived with a man for 20 years who regularly "fell in love" with other women and then told me about his deep feelings for them so he could unload, I speak from painful personal experience.
In my view, emotional affairs are the worst kind.

I wasn't being true to my faith when I succumbed to the intimacy initiated by my female therapist. I told her I was a recovering lesbian; meaning that I no longer wished to act out as a lesbian. Almost immediately, this married mother of three began to initiate full bodied hugs; the first of which left me so disoriented, I could not find my way out of her office that day. This went on for a number of years; these cat and mouse games between she and I. In the end, we both paid the price for our indiscretions. After reading all the details of this relationship which are included in my book, THE BARBED WIRE FENCE", by Tina Peters, there is no one who will doubt that an emotional affair took place between myself and this therapist.

This book is available for order at xulonpress.com, barnesandnoble.com, amazon.com

Oh my, I'm a serial cheater. I've cheated with my mother, cousin, sister, multiple friends, co-workers, etc. Womens' top complaint about their husbands is that they don't listen. We like to share about feelings and emotions and most of our spouses don't engage with that and zone out. So now you can't even have friends to talk to? My spouse is happy that I do all that deep emotional talky stuff with others, to spare him. And everybody's happy. :)

To SaraB & all the others out there who make a joke out of emotional affairs I hope u never have to go through them urself. I talk to my g/friends, family, g/friends about my life, relationship etc etc, but Im not sneaking around online with fake profiles that say Im single & flirting with guys behind my partners back. Imagine if you found out your husband had been doing this to you for months behind your back & that he had asked to meet up with this person???? What do u think he would have been looking for? What if you thought he was innocently out to work or business meetings and then a year later u find out that he was meeting up with the secretary? Even if ther was no physical contact, how would u know? Why were the rendevous kept secret? Lucky for you this probably hasnt happened, but for those it has happened to why would you take there pain so lightheartdly?

An emotional affair is cheating. I don't know why people of the opposite sex who have a strong emotional bond and perhaps, a strong physical attraction, are kidding themselves when it comes to this view. It is cheating, got it??

There is very much a such thing as an "emotional affair". About 3 years ago I took a full-time job after being a stay at home mom for 7 years. Things were great, I worked in a small office with only 5 other people, all married, or strangly quiet and we all got along. I thought my boss was kind of cute, but didn't think much about it. We all new little details about the other ones lives and shared when our SO pissed us off or didn't do what he or she was supposed to do. Some of us got along better than others and soon I found myself joking around and telling my boss things I would tell my best friend.
Then one afternoon while only the 2 of us were in the office he told me he "thought about me", well I didn't say a word, but I knew what he was feeling because I thought about him too. More than I should have. From that day on we would email each other, go to lunch together (which I was upfront about w my husband),he bought me birthday presents, left me cute little notes, ect. Then we found ourselves trying to find reasons to work Sat. just so we could see eachother. After about 8 months we found ourselves in a situation that had spun out of control and why? Because I told him everything that my SO did wrong, so he knew just what to say and he told me how he never got to pick his SO (if that even makes sense) that she picked him, so I took that as he just settled ya know? Never really felt that uncontrolable physical attraction for someone else, so I knew just what to say to him to make him feel like he was the most sexy, amazing stud I knew. Which in my eyes at the time he was. I found myself slipping further and further away from my family and closer to him and he was equally as confused, I'm sure.
We decided the best thing to do was to tell our spouses what had been going on and come clean (however, we were not going to be together). However when the time to do that, I was the only who came clean, he chickened out. My husband, being pissed (as he should have been) called his wife one day out of the blue and without my knowledge and filled her on the situation. when he was confronted he told her it was just a little office crush. Instantly I was crushed. I felt like my heart was being ripped from my body and to make matters worse, there was nothing I could do about it. My whole life was turned upside down, and for what? Because I was being selfish, and wanted to feel like I did waaaayyyy back when, ya know, the whole butterflies in your stomach feeling you get when you're a kid.
I hurt everyone I loved including myself. I fully take reponsibilty for what I did and know in my heart it was wrong. To this day he sends me emails every now and again saying hey. It is very hard to cut all ties, but you have to or you can never move on. My only regret is that his wife is still snowballed into thinking he just thought I was hot! Very far fetched. I feel like sometime I should ask her to lunch and fill her in or just show her the emails, but then again what good would that do, except maybe give him what he gave everyone else, a lot of heartache and sorrow.
So for those of you thinking about doing this, all I can say is really think about it, because you never know what you have until it's gone. I almost left my husband because I thought he wasn't "right" for me, when in realty he is perfect. The grass isn't always greener on the otherside, sometimes in the tall grass you find a snake!!

I have done it all, just emotional affairs, marital affairs, trying to stay friends after the affairs. You are definately right. Every type of contact must end when anytype of affair occurs. It's just temptation to get back into the game of affairs. The end result is always the same!! It never works out for either party and you end up getting hurt, or hurting the families of the other party.

This kinda thing pisses me off. If you think your partner is cheating on you fine address the issue. How stupid would it sound if someone came to you and said "We need to talk about your emotional affairs with other people" its stupid its ridiculous. There is a very large difference between being physically intimate and having an "emotional affair". If you can consider spending time with people other than your partner and enjoying it cheating then I am guilty of cheating on every girl i have ever dated. Its a part of human nature you are always looking at the other side of the fence to see what its like. I can understand if it becomes an obsession but that isnt what we are talking about here.

Life is about making connections with people. Love as many people as you can the consequences shouldnt matter. This is a moment when the whole world needs to chill out and look rationally at what they fear. If you say being more connected and spending time with someone else is selfish look at yourself. You want your partner to spend more time with you and be more connected with you. That is equally selfish.

To anyone who might say "well you dont understand you havent been cheated on", Sorry to disapoint but I have I can understand the pain involved. But I have never told someone who they can or cant spend time with. I have never been concerned with emotional affairs. I quite simply told them if you decide to sleep with someone else then you can stay with that person. That should be what you people worry about. Stop trying to control your partners emotions. And stop being so damn worried about every little thing. If your partner decides he or she wants to be with someone else let them go. You will be doing yourself a huge favor and saving yourself from a great deal of heartache and pain.

O and to any of you people that keep tabs on your partners. Checking theirs emails, phone records. Its pathetic. That will drive someone away very quickly

This kinda thing pisses me off. If you think your partner is cheating on you fine address the issue. How stupid would it sound if someone came to you and said "We need to talk about your emotional affairs with other people" its stupid its ridiculous. There is a very large difference between being physically intimate and having an "emotional affair". If you can consider spending time with people other than your partner and enjoying it cheating then I am guilty of cheating on every girl i have ever dated. Its a part of human nature you are always looking at the other side of the fence to see what its like. I can understand if it becomes an obsession but that isnt what we are talking about here.

Life is about making connections with people. Love as many people as you can the consequences shouldnt matter. This is a moment when the whole world needs to chill out and look rationally at what they fear. If you say being more connected and spending time with someone else is selfish look at yourself. You want your partner to spend more time with you and be more connected with you. That is equally selfish.

To anyone who might say "well you dont understand you havent been cheated on", Sorry to disapoint but I have I can understand the pain involved. But I have never told someone who they can or cant spend time with. I have never been concerned with emotional affairs. I quite simply told them if you decide to sleep with someone else then you can stay with that person. That should be what you people worry about. Stop trying to control your partners emotions. And stop being so damn worried about every little thing. If your partner decides he or she wants to be with someone else let them go. You will be doing yourself a huge favor and saving yourself from a great deal of heartache and pain.

O and to any of you people that keep tabs on your partners. Checking theirs emails, phone records. Its pathetic. That will drive someone away very quickly

To Anonymous:
I don't think you fully undertsand the article. Read it again..she says that if people continue with the "emotional affair" it eventually leads to sex, and isn't that what you said we should be concerned with here sex? 90% of the people on here are not upset that their partner spends time with someone else, but that their partner has to lie and hide and be deceitful about where's, how's & who's they are doing it with. I am almost certain that if in all these situations (including my own) that if we had of been upfront with our SO and introduced the other person and let them share our whole lives and not just the intimate details that should be shared only with your spouse, then the emotional affair would not have happened and certainly would never had led to any of the sexual affairs, seeing as we never would have been in that situation because our spouses would have been involved.
I whole heartedly agree that you can have friends of the opposite sex. 2 of my best friends in the world infact are men, but I never hide anything I do or say to either one of them from my husband and they do not ever cross the line of emotional support. If I talk to them about something touchy, they give me support, but tell me to talk it out with my spouse. Not play on the fact that there is a problem and try to be the hero and win me over. HUGE difference.
I also agree that checking every move someone makes will drive them away, you are so right on that. If there is mistrust, try to work through it the best way you know how. See a therapist or whatever it takes if you feel your relationship is worth it.
My biggest issue with your comment though, is the whole sex issue. Let me put it to you this way: Anyone can lay down, shut their eyes or have sex with anyone else. Or get pissed and have a one night stand for revenge, or get drunk and pick up the hottest guy/girl in the bar. But when you give your heart, your uttermost thoughts, feelings, when you can look at someone and see in their eyes that they 100% love you, while sex is fun, there is nothing better than that. I for one could get over the fact that somone I loved had a 1 night stand that didn't mean anything a hell of a lot faster than I could knowing that they made someones soul feel like they do mine and share the most intimate feeling you could have...LOVE! That my friend is an emotional affair and it happens everyday.

wow..so as i read most...ok well all 86 comments i analyzed my situaton and maybe how little it was compared to the ones that involved marriages and children...but then readin ruby....i ralized the EMOTION in these emotion/sexual affairs is wat makes them just as painful! im only a 22 yr old woman and was single wen it all started...wen i was the OW...a still barely accept the fact that i accepted that place in someones life...i had always thought very highly of me and maybe even had been considered a stuck up person, but just had very high self-esteem...so at 21 i met the man id been waiting for...all i ever wanted, was in my arms and i was not about to let go....before our relationship as more than friends started i was aware of this chic whom he had been with for almost 3 yrs... they had barely just broken things off...oh by the way i knew them one of those yrs...both of them...they went to my church!!! i had always had some attraction towards him but respected her very much and kept my distance....i really liked her n since i had came into this church knowing them as a couple...i never even considered him...he was just as a great catch...i even told her once that i thought they were adorable together n wished them the best....well that was like 8 months before i found out they had actually been having problems since around the time i told her that..well i admit to hav been overjoyed to find out they were no longer together wen he told me...and we were just friends and were kinda "opening up" wen he told me this...he had no reason to lie...n probably at the time i was just so selfish that i chose to ignore any doubt and wanted to believe him...because it opened possibilty to this great thing that could happen btwn us...i dont know..well atually..yea..thats wat it was..i wanted to try "us" no matter wat it cost...so decided to keep it btwn us and get to know him better w/o a soul but ours knowing...well soon i sure regretted that......well ok im making this too long soooto make it simple.....5 months later he tells me things are better with her...and that they're going to be attending this thing as a couple...well i still dont understand why...but wen he told me that i was in his arms and as i listened to him i remained there an d not about to let go...i told myself he was mine and that he was just confused cuz i had broken things off for bout a month n it was my fault that we were now in this complicated situation...so i was gonna stick through it and fight for him....pfff...well i did ask him why if they were not a couple...and he said something that should hav made me run n not look bak...he told me he never said they werent a couple, that he had just said they werent together anymore.....i knew it was stupid and absurd he wld even say that but again i blamed myself n was totally going to fix things with time n then everything wld be perfect again....ok so time passed n i loved him more n more...n felt like he did too! our relationship became physical n more deep....we talked bout moving out of the country..wat his family would think of me and our kids and fututre...i was sure that whatever he had with her was just something he chose to hide from the beginning n didnt hav the balls to get out of....i many times i told him i wld tell her n then we cld just accept the consequences but atleast we wld be together...there i go again..being selfish...i rly stopped caring about hurting her or how she wld feel...eventually i accepted that they were the couple in everyone eyes n i was just his friend....little did they know we wld be together till even 6 in the morning..actually just talking n laughing sometimes...we werent that sexual with eachother....we actually only had sex once....but i eventually made him decide or he wld lose me...i dont know if its cuz he knew i cldnt walk away or cuz he already knew he wanted to be with her but he chose..."not to choose"...he claimed he cldnt just totally break things off with her but wasnt gonna let me go either...so if "we" were to end it was cuz of me....well i chose to end us then....in bout a week i found out bout him n another girl...well i only suspect things btwn them but can almost confirm it with things i saw n things she told me(she never told me the guys name)..i dnt know why even w/ that i went bak to him....i guess cuz he changed a bit...he became even more dedicated to me n said things he never had before...like that he loved me....(now i realize he had been waiting to use that at the rite moment to get me bak)so i decided to give him more time n then thats wen it happened...a few weeks later...we had sex....it was weird cuz most ppl wld think that ..that wld have made it even harder to let go but it actually made me take a step bak and wonder wat this guy was wanting from me...it had been 8 months of me "knowing" he was for me n i was walking away...ok i dont know..some ppl mite not understand wat im bout to say..but its a matter of ur relationship w/ God...ok ok so im not saint..i know..i did alot of wrong but in my head it was in the name of love....wen we had sex i asked myslef...according to Gods word...we no longer hav his blessing...yea we probably never had it but sex just made things worse....so i decided no matter how much it hurt to think i was gonna push him into her arms..i was gonna let him go...i wanted to get straight w/ God n let him just take control...even if it meant losing the first man i ever loved...if he had not been the rite guy i was gonna take the pain in opening my heart to wrong guy specially cuz i did it my way..not Gods..well before u get bored with my talk bout God..most ppl will....ill give ya'll my heartbreaking ending...wen he realized i was so for real this time n hadnt broken it off for her sake his or my own good, but for God he totally went crazy on me...he claimed he needed me n couldnt let go..just a lil more time to figure how to do things..well i said id be here wen he had done all that...well since he had her n continued to find way to contact me(i had totally cut off my phone) too tempting even for me...i decided to tell him to tell her or i wld...well wen he heard that...he called me crying trying to convince me not to..well he ended up telling her we had slept together.......in my car after a movie...watttttttttttt!!!!!!!!! not at all wat happened...he even asked me begging me to go with that story after he had told her.......

i still cant believe that!! wat a coward!! ruby that totally broke my heart too...things became so clear...he mite hav gotten attatched to me..but he knew he wanted her...THE WHOLE FREAKING TIME!!! how cld he ask me to do that...to put me so low...everything he had said was all a lie....n the worst thing is that i still have deep feelings for him...i still cry bout it at nite sometimes...i dont understand why someone wld put so much time...it wasnt the sex..that only happened once n wasnt till the end...he wld always tell me how perfect i was..i guess he loved that n how i made him feel..but he loved her! n thats all that mattered! so now she hates me cuz she thinks i did it to hurt her or something like that which is stupid n he hasnt even said sorry...(but then again he claims to had always been clear with me n after I "destroyed his life" realized i wasnt who he thought i was)...n now i rly dont know wats of their relationship...last time i heard they were together...n he left the church so even tho it help i still struggle at times wen i think bout him...God has forgiven me n just some FYI....i did get in quite a bit of trouble at church...the girl was the pastors daughter...my entire family found out n accept total responsibilty n share of the blame...my consequences hav been many...but continue held on to God's hand...so the moral of the story is....anything you feel the need to hide from anyone!!!....will lead to no good...ahh n sry for making it so long

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Mona, I am sooo sorry. I know people are reading these thinking..why should I feel bad for them, they were the "other woman". Well, it is easy to fall into the "trap" and no one I don't believe can understand unless they have been there.I really do feel for you sweetheart and reading your story...well lets just say I can relate BIGTIME! Especially the part where he wouldn't choose and said if it ended it was on you, or that you "destroyed" his life. You are not going to believe this, but that's exactly and when I say exactly, I mean exactly, what the guy I was involved with said. No kidding! and you are right it still hurts, I to can hear a song or just be in the shower and start balling. I will tell you this, it does get easier, my heart still hurts, but I think it's mostly because I am a very strong, independant woman, and for once I let my guard down and loved without conditions, for it to just slap me in the face. (my own fault I know) so I think some of the hurt is knowing I let myself down, and of course the rejection. Like you said him telling me how amazing I am and how no girl he has ever been with could be half as sexy as I am, or him feel the way I do, ect....and then realizing it was all just some twisted idea/game he had is very tough to deal with, but it sounds like you have a lot of support and love from your family, so you are lucky.
Hunny, you are still so young (not that I am old 31) don't settle for someone who is not giving you what you give them. Keep your head up, everyone makes mistakes. You know what happened was wrong, but it takes two, you didn't do it alone. Unlike you I or he never told his wife. Him because he has no balls and me because I saw how much pain it caused my family and I didn't want his kids or wife to go through what my kids & husband did. Although, I feel like she should know because I feel like she is getting cheated emotionally & physically and partly because it would make me feel a little better to know he is suffering even just a smidge! I know very selfish. Anyways I check this message board a lot, so if you need to talk....do so! ;)

A lot of posters here don't seem to "get it" that there is a big difference between having friends and having people you are having emotional affairs with. Why? Probably because they aren't willing to admit the number of times they've cheated on their spouse. Bash hubby to your gal pals? Then you've just smashed your marriage vows to pieces. Likewise you guys who badmouth your wives to your buddies. If you can't respect and honor your spouse when they aren't around, then you are cheating on them, stabbing them in the back, and wasting their time by keeping them trapped in what you won't admit is a loveless marriage. If your problem is big enough you need someone to talk to, then find a help-based support and accountability group outside of your circle of friends because most "old friends" will only serve to break the marriage apart, not help keep it together or help it improve.

bella,

I read your comment and you sound like the woman my dad is leaving my mother for. You know this guy is married and you allow yourselves to continue this relationship despite the fact that he has a wife and children at home. Don't be a homewrecker. Call it off and spare his family indescribable pain. I wish my dad's bitch would up and die.

...

I have been on both sides of this. I have cheated and been cheated on. I loved the person I was with, but I think I was trying to get even with him for being abusive to me, so I did the most hurtful thing. It was wrong... and no good ever comes from cheating on someone. I think if you really love someone, and its just a one time thing- you can get past it. If you're partner isn't emotionally responsive, it can be difficult to deal with.

Much as I hate to admit it to my younger self, there is no fairytale happy ending in life or no single perfect romance that will last forever.

What I find strange is that many people, particularly women, like to hold onto this dream even when the reality of long term relationship problems and sometimes 2 or 3 divorces has been part of their lives for many years.

About 8 years ago, I realised that my wife of 13 years (at the time) who I love very much, could never emotionally satisfy me fully because of her own emotional blocks from childhood. At this point the question becomes startlingly simple, do I leave her and my 3 children just because I feel emotionally starved (even thought the sex is fine) or do I seek out other women with whom I am more emotionally compatible in order to satisfy my own emotional needs (a weakness I know) without un-necessarily destroying my family.

8 years on I have no regrets at prsuing this, I have met a number of wonderful women, some of them I have had sexual affairs with yes, some not. I have never lied to any of them, I have made it quite clear I am married and my family comes first. I guess you could call this an old fashioned approach to the problem and of course it is frought with problems, especially as my wife knows that my behaviour has not always been exemplary. But in a strange way it works. I no longer hate my wife for emotionally starving me, I no longer feel a victim within my marriage, our children are growing up and seem largely to be OK and we are still together. I don't know if we can pick it up again properly sometime when we are in our 50s, I have never been that old before so I cannot tell. But I do know that while I watch wellover 50% of the people around me divorcing and causing confusion and future lack of faith in marriage in their own children, myself and my wife are still together, still in the game and have a chance of some kind of til death do us part scenario.

And this is all thanks to the emotional affairs I have allowed myself to have to keep my love of my own life up high enough to be a good father and a providing, affectionate (but cheating) husband.

There is an old adage, better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I would encourage everyone to be less scared of feelings of love for one another, love has many diferent faces and depths, but they are all really nice.... honest.

This is in response to Jon. Sir, you are brilliant. I was beginning to feel the "guilt" reading all these comments. What most people neglect to understand is that some of the time an affair has nothing to do with their spouse. It is a need that has not been filled. A void. In my case it is nothing personally against my spouse. There will always be love there. There are just factors that are lacking. We all deserve to love, to give love, to receive love and be happy. Thanks Jon!

From the standpoint of being cheated on and being the cheater both, I agree. Cheating is cheating. Whether by design or platonic intent it is what it is. However, we are speaking specifically of "emotionally cheating" and with that being said; I must admit I fell deeply in love with someone I never met face to face. I believed in him and us to only fall upon heartache of which was very real by the way. It is something I regret and hold gratitude towards. I guess we both found something in each other we couldn't find or create with those we were/are sharing our lives with. Poetic, romantic, intimate and separate "real" day to day lives. Oh yeah, he is as real as I am but we were not being real to our reality of truly being where we both said we wanted to be, with one another. To this day I think of him and wonder if I ever cross upon him. It is easier now, the loss I mean...but he is always with me in the shadows of my mind and a vein within my heart he resides. So, did I cheat...definitely! Before it ended, and he ended it by the way by dropping off the face of earth without a goodbye. We had made plans to meet and within those plans our face to face we both knew would bring about a sexual action. I have not heard from him in well over a year and the last time I did it was to rearrange the date for our "rendevous". It never happened and he never appeared in my inbox again.

Selfish is what selfish does. How can any "friendship" be worth someones integrety, honesty and a clear conscience? If a person makes the choice to pursue any course that involves secrecy and deception it shows huge immaturity (another child that has grown old). With every day comes the ability to prove who we are and being an adult means being able to be honest with ourselves and assess the bigger picture and not just "what I want when I want it". Really, there is no discussion, whatever decision you make, it will either benefit the relationship you are in or it will not. If you really love the other person sacrifice is not a sacrifice at all because happiness is giving isn't it? If you really want another's attention address the issue at home and don't just drift into denial, every person deep down knows why they are following the course they are and we cannot escape the truth in the quiet moments in our head. Hypocracy is such an unattractive feature and you'd have to ask yourself how attractive would that other person stay if they had to share your 'real' life? Your spouse is doing the hard yards and even if you are not feeling close surely they deserve your honesty so that it allows them to make a decision for their life based on what you really are, why should you have your cake and eat it too? Because if you are in an emotional wasteland believe me so are they. The words from the movie that Billy Crystal spoke in 'When Harry met Sally' is true, men and women can never really be 'just friends' and all the more so when there are partners. It takes effort to protect your marriage so don't be lazy put the effort in where you are going to get best results for you, even if you must leave you will have a most prized possession, a clear conscience, you will need that to be able to look yourself and your children in the eye.

I think this was crazy and I have lots of friends my husband has no clue about. We still have GREAT sex, communication, and a wonderful group of our friends. I think when you give your vowels it is through thick and thin...if they cheat get over it or leave. Otherwise it will kill you. I have never really "cheated" and even if I did I would never tell my husband!

this is interesting topic.

i had this type of affair and i let it get to far. im confused. how can i be in love with a man but not happy and be happy with another?

I will be married two years on the fifth and btw I'm 20 yrs. old. My husband(22) hasn't had a job in six months and he always plays an online game, I felt like I was on a back burner like I didn't get the attention that I needed, well, when I went to work, come to find out, my ex, the guy who I dated right before I dated my husband started to work there and he was actually nice to me, which he used to not be that nice, and I started liking the attention, I knew all along that I didn't want anything with him, but it is like I developed a crush on my ex! It made me feel horrible, I didn't know how to tell my husband and I tried to avoid my ex as much as possible, well, I started to feel like I was being neglected again, and I met someone on myspace that was also having relationship problems, we were really just FRIENDS. The thing that happened though, is we started calling each other on the phone, but as I felt more neglected, I was talking to the other guy more, which, my husband knew that I talked to him on the phone, but not for as long as I did, I started to like the other guy. Well, I remember telling myself not to talk to him like I was flirting or anything, I don't want to ruin what I have. Temptation got me and I was flirting with a guy that I had NEVER EVER MET!!!! I felt bad, I mean really bad, I told my husband that I wasn't going to talk to him again, even though there were times when he would say hi and stuff like that, but he had also gotten back with his gf. I had asked God to forgive me, but I didn't know how to tell my husband, he has a terrible temper, I finally told him about the last guy, the one I talked to on the phone, and I had told him before about my ex, but I don't even know if he remembers me telling him about that. He has every right to leave me, and I feel like I don't deserve my husband, I know that my husband loves me, and I wish that I would have never talked to that other guy when I should have been talking to my husband all along. I think the thing that leads up to this is fear, which you shouldn't have to fear, so right now, with my Anniversary one week away, I am trying to make things work with me and my husband. I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater, because, I know that I don't want to lose what I have with my husband, I'm going to try to be the best wife and I'm going to earn my trust back, They say its not impossible to earn trust back, but I know it is hard, I ask God to forgive me for hurting my husband and for an emotional adultery, because I never had sex. Does anyone have any advice for me, I know that I'm lucky to even get another chance, I just don't want to mess up what I have. Please help.

I absolutely hate my H right now. I have such a hard time working each day because of his actions. He calls/texts his co-worker like a billion times a day and erases all of the sent and inbox folder everyday so I won't notice. I am so upset that he is doing this....I went to see a divorce lawyer and she told me get out now...while I'm young and have no major assets with him.

Once a cheater always a cheater...this is the 2nd girl and now the 1st is coming back into his life again. Not sure where I, as his wife, fits into this picture....expect not at all. I can't wait and move on and leave all of this drama crap behind me...I have so much to offer and this is really making me very depressed!

My husband had an emotional affair. He is a brilliant, handsome, kind and socially naive physician. A drug rep chased him! She would visit his office and lean on him emotionally. Because he is a physician, he would listen and help. Well you know how these predators are, she took full advantage. They ended up calling each other, meeting for lunch, etc for 18 months. There was no sex but the betrayal is devastating. I'm crushed that he would fall prey, betray me and our kids and be so stupid! He is very sorry and has cut her completely out of his life. I discovered the emotional affair a few months ago and am still hurting. I just can't believe my husband would ever do this!

I didn't thought that for many people emotional affairs can be such a great problem!very interesting!

i am going through this at the moment. my fiance of 6 months has been texting and calling another woman twice a day for the last 3 months without my knowledge. an emotional affair is when you don't tell your partner. an emotional affair is when it's a secret. emotional affairs are destructive.