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Holiday Stress Test

2008-12-02T21:07:40Z

Do you find yourself increasingly dreading the holidays? Do you find the shopping amongst hoards of desperate shoppers, the selecting of just the right gifts, the cooking of wonderful holiday treats and many get togethers of family and friends to be really less than joyful?

How do you know if you are managing your extra work--and the inevitable anxiety that comes with having more to do and more excitement--or if you are suffering from so much holiday stress that you need to do something to handle your holiday time differently (or risk a true holiday melt down)!

Answer these few holiday stress questions to help you assess how stressed you are this holiday season:

Do you feel so exhausted that holiday gatherings don't even sound like much fun?
Do you worry that your holiday plans will not be special or wonderful enough for your friends or family?
Do you feel like all the holiday details are all up to you?
Do you find it difficult to enjoy the spirit of the holiday season?
Are you increasingly forgetful, discombobulated or resentful during the holiday season?
Are you secretly wishing it would all be over soon so you can get back to normal?

If you are answering yes to two or more of these questions than you may be overstressed over the holidays and need to take some action to relieve how you are feeling.

Try these tips for reducing your holiday stress:

Shorten the list and delegate. You cannot do everything, and to have an enjoyable holiday, everything does not have to get done. First decide the top several priorities, then start crossing off anything that is not an absolute must (baking more than one kind of cookie, having more than one holiday meal, going to every holiday party to which you are invited, getting the kids more than one thing). Next start delegating what is left. Generally women end up doing it all, and think they can't ask for help. Wrong. Give your partner a list of a few things he can do that will help (shop for two gifts, get out the decorations, do the grocery shopping).

Get realistic about family. Usually expectations for family reunions are too high which results in frustration and disappointment. Don't try to have everybody be "happy" all the time and don't plan loads of unstructured time where too much togetherness can lead to getting on each others nerves. If you do not have family to be with make plans early with friends so that you will not stress over being alone.

Be healthy. Exercise really helps with stress, as does eating and sleeping well. On the other hand drinking a lot of alcohol--which many people do more of when they are stressed to "relax"--will disrupt your sleep cycle and make you feel worse.

It is the thought that counts. Often perfectionism and competitiveness drives you to shop, shop, shop for gifts. This adds time, frustration, and spending too much money which will stress you financially. Then when everyone doesn't appreciate it all enough you will feel angry and disappointed. People want to know you thought of them and value them. That is the biggest gift of all so avoid going crazy with the presents.

Remember the true meaning of the holiday. Whether it is about time you cherish together, religious observance, reflection on your life and future goals. Think about the spirit of the holiday, talk to your kids about it, share that spirit with those you care about and let the trappings be optional. Take a few minutes each day to sit and think about what the holiday means to you.

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Thanksgiving Love

2008-11-26T18:02:05Z

I spend a lot of this time of year talking about the stresses of the holiday. How preparing can make you anxious, how family members can drive you nuts, how some will suffer depression around this time. But thanksgiving is also an opportunity to give thanks... not for what you have, but for who you have.

Having people you love and who love you back is probably your most valuable asset. Strong relationships nourish you, provide support, allow you to give meaningfully and are a frequent source of joy. It is true that every relationship has its struggles and tough times but, generally speaking, effort put in equals enjoyment gotten out of it.

On this holiday many of you will be with people you love but don't get to see all the time. It's worth some extra effort to spend real time talking and listening, and also appreciating each other. You are making new memories to sustain you over the times apart and they build and grown that relationship. Take a minute to tell that person how thankful you are to have them in your life. It will make your thanksgiving really special.

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Nebraska's Safe Haven Law

2008-11-21T17:38:52Z

35 children have been left at hospitals by parents in the last month under Nebraska's safe haven law. The law was made for parents of infants who were too overwhelmed to care for their baby, or young mothers who really did not want a baby and did not know where to turn. But what has been unearthed is that many parents who feel completely overwhelmed in caring for and supporting a child--even a teen--are leaving their kids at the hospitals.

An important fact is that 30 of these kids had a mental health diagnosis. This is the vast majority of the kids abandoned, even by some parents driving across state lines to leave their child. What it reminds us is that the services available for mental health care in general and particularly low-fee treatments are truly insufficient.

Part of the problem is that parents often don't know that their child has a mental health issue. Then, if they do know, the ability to find a psychiatrist that can be afforded, or the support network to help them manage are seriously lacking. Hence, it is not shocking that some parents who are feeling hopelessly overwhelmed are looking for ANY way out.

The plan is to repeal the law and make it applicable to infants only, but this will not solve the problem which has been uncovered. Many children suffer from mental health issues and many are very treatable. We need to work as a nation to expand both the information available and the services accessible to parents many of whom will have kids with a mental health issue of some sort.

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Managing Holiday Expectations

2008-11-19T15:19:44Z

This will no doubt be a very emotionally difficult holiday season, and most everyone will not be able to afford to buy whatever they did last year.

Holidays are often felt as celebrations requiring plenty of food, decorations and presents to make it special and fun. From Thanksgiving through Christmas stores will be providing tons of temptations with sales and kids doing their usual "PLEASE, can I have that?" The guilt from whatever you feel you have not gotten for your child (time with you, having more fun with them, past items you couldn't buy) may propel you further to desire buying more than you can afford.

Watch the segment from TODAY

Many of you will have shielded your child from what is happening in today's financial world in an attempt not to worry them, so your children might be shocked and very disappointed if the holidays are not like every other year. What can you do to deal with this unrealistic expectation? How you can assure them that the holidays will stay the same for your family?

1. Talk about it. When your kids don't know anything they cannot realign their expectations. You can tell them without terrifying them, and when you don't tell them you also are keeping the reality of it from yourself. Have a family pow-wow and discuss the changing economy, the impact on all families and that it means you too will be tightening your belt.

2. Agree on a family budget. Set amounts of money to be spent ahead of any shopping. Have a plan, get out the cash and go without any credit card to the store. This is a good year to get gifts that are needed rather than frivolous. Look over what the kids will need in the next 6 months and choose from that. This way there is a gift but you aren't spending any extra money you wouldn't spend anyway.

3. Shop when well rested, feeling decently and bring support. When you are tired, down or guilty you will spend more. Having a spouse or friend who has agreed to keep you in line will help you stick to the plan.

4. Focus on the "magic". The magical feeling of holidays do not come from lots of toys. It comes from specific childhood memories that you recreate for your own kids... something from your history that you make a tradition. Think back... perhaps its baking a special dessert together, putting up tree lights or singing Christmas carols.

5. Manage your expectations. Expectations have a lot to do with priorities. If you really think about it you will realize that you care more about relationships than you do about material stuff. Holiday happiness has more to do with feeling close to those you love. If everyone wrote a letter saying how they felt about each other (monetarily inexpensive, but emotionally costly) it would likely feel a whole lot better to read than ripping open the paper of yet another box.

Rethink what matters most to you and make the effort toward those that do.

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Priorities

2008-11-13T16:12:07Z

Times are just getting tougher and tougher. I am getting more calls from people who need help, and patients I work with are having more trouble now with anxiety, bad moods and tension in their relationships.

This is not surprising, because when resources become scarce, the fear of not being able to meet your own needs soars. What might be surprising though, is that some people are doing very well and are feeling pretty happy and above the fray. You would imagine they must be people who are not afraid of losing their jobs or who have money socked away, but you would be wrong.

The people who are faring the best are those whose priorities in life are less dependent on money. These people feel their relationships are the most valuable thing they have, and know that money (or lack of it) won't really change them. Some folks feel that they suffer less if they have people around whom they love and who love them. Also, people who have been through real hardship--particularly health difficulties and scares--have learned that if you have your health, you really do have everything important.

The silver lining in all of this is that many people are going to rethink their priorities. It's not too late to reexamine what is really most important to you in your life and feel appreciative for what you do have, rather than mourning what you don't. When happiness is studied, it is the quality of your relationships that bodes the best for long-term happiness.

Look around, truly see who is in your life and channel your energies into improving the relationships with those you care about. This is what will lead to a truly "rich" life, even in today's economy.

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Losing Sleep Over Money

2008-11-07T03:27:56Z

A recent survey found that 90 percent of Americans are having trouble sleeping as a result of worrying about economic issues. People are worrying during the day too, but nothing quite stokes anxiety like lying down to relax with no distractions at all; just blackness and quiet looming before you. This is when obsessive worries can really take over, making sleep impossible. Unfortunately, the less you sleep the more worried and irritable you will feel the next day. It can become a worsening vicious cycle.

Watch the segment from TODAY

To break that cycle, it is important to form your plan during the day. How will you deal with your money, your job and your home? For example, you can stop going out to lunch to save money, polish up that resume, and make an appointment with a financial advisor to discuss how you can better manage your money and your home. At night, when worry starts to knock, remind yourself that you already have done whatever you deemed doable and that there is nothing to be gained by mulling it over now.

Employing methods to relax your body, such as muscle relaxation and deep abdominal breathing, can be helpful. Visualize a relaxing spot to help calm your mind. Tell yourself that it is only worth worrying about something if you can actually do something about it, and then do what you need to do to cease the worry.

Situational sleep problems like this are best handled with these techniques rather than jumping to medication. However, if the problem is going on for weeks and impairing your functioning during the day, you should see a doctor to evaluate if medication may be helpful.

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Post Election Withdrawal

2008-11-04T23:12:08Z

Are you wondering what is going to fill the void of passion-filled talks about candidates, nights riveted by cable news, days of having really good stuff to laugh or cry about at the water cooler? Then you may be suffering from "election withdrawal." This is, of course, a term I am making up to describe the let down and emptiness that many Americans are going to experience after what has been one of the most hyped up, exciting and engaging elections ever.

This election has given many people a way to cope with our nation's current difficulties: the economic crisis and concerns over what the future will bring. At times, it has provided someone to blame and also someone to put hope in. It gave many Americans the feeling that they can do something to improve the national situation, as well as their own lot in life.

So, what can you do if you are struggling with a void now? Find a new passion... in fact, find a few. Passion is good for the psyche and good for the soul. Find other things to get revved about, other ways to take action and, perhaps most of all, to creatively give back. By helping others and following a cause, you will find your own peace and joy. Share your beliefs and vision. Talk to friends and family - sharing those intimate thoughts and aspirations brings you closer and is very satisfying.

Continue to stay engaged in world news. Many Americans awoke from a state of apathy to learn what is going on in this country. Don't let that go! Continue to read the paper and watch the news. Stay abreast of current events and participate in your community's issues. When times are tough, feeling like an agent of change and really helping makes you feel connected to others and powerful in your own right.

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New Study on Anxiety and Kids

2008-10-31T13:19:25Z

An important new study was published today in The New England Journal of Medicine. It found that children with anxiety disorders improved substantially on a combination of Zoloft (a serotonin reuptake inhibitor that treats depression and anxiety) combined with short term psychotherapy. It was the combination of both medication and psychotherapy that was most helpful, but it was also important to find that medication alone or psychotherapy alone was also helpful to kids with anxiety, just not as much.

20% of children have an anxiety disorder. It may be generalized anxiety where kids worry and have enough fears to affect their function, or separation anxiety where they have such fear about being apart from a parent they can't sleep out or have trouble going to school or being apart at all. Another is social phobia where there is such self consciousness about being with other people that the child becomes isolated from making new friends.

When these disorders are left alone many children go on to develop depression or even substance abuse as a result. It is important to seek treatment for your child and the great news is that treatment really works and will be bring relief to the entire family.

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How the Economy Affects Your Libido

2008-10-27T17:25:50Z

When people get stressed it greatly affects their sexuality. This is true for both men and women. There is an evolutionary cause at work here. When you are anxious about danger (in the caveman days, that would be a lion or bear coming by your cave), the last thing you want to risk is getting caught with your pants down, literally. It's tough to run away or fight when you are locked in an amorous embrace. Hence, when we're stressed or anxious, we tend to shut down sexually.

I am hearing from quite a few men who are not only worried about their finances but--to add insult to injury--are also having difficulty maintaining an erection. It's bad enough to feel like you've failed in providing for your family, and it is awful to feel like a failure in bed on top of that. Sadly, many couples are simply not putting two and two together. They think it's a separate problem that is causing the impotence. So couples are wondering: Is our relationship in trouble? Is he no longer attracted to me?

If you are having financial concerns, and most everyone is, or certainly if one of you has lost a job, it is highly likely that any new problems in bed are related. See if there are any new medications that your partner has been taking that could affect his libido. If that's not the cause, it is likely the terrible strain of our current situation. Either way, you'll want your partner to see an internist because erectile problems can be the first symptom of cardiovascular issues or diabetes.

Tell each other you understand the problem and reassure your partner that it is not a lack of affection or attraction. Adding a little extra excitement by trying something new--a new outfit, position, act or even a little erotic film or book can help. An erectile dysfunction medication can temporarily help him get past this time, and then he can stop using it once he has regained his confidence.

By spending more time talking and helping each other with what actually worries you, you will ease tension, build intimacy and regain ability in bed.

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Will Racism Alter the Election?

2008-10-20T20:15:50Z

A recent issue of The Boston Globe included an article about Mahzarin Banaji, a Harvard professor who studies the psychology of bias. For two decades, Banaji has been a leading researcher into the nature of our implicit, unconscious biases.

To divide up the world by the preferences that you have is utterly human. We all have unconscious biases that often dictate who we like and who we don't. The bias may not be about race. It might be a preference between men and women, religions, community, even how people dress.

In experiments designed to test our unconscious biases, the psychologist found that 80 percent of whites show a preference for the company of whites, while 40 percent of blacks show a preference for the company of other blacks. But blacks, much more so than whites, are more vocal in saying so. At this point in time, Obama is ahead in the polls. How meaningful is this? It's hard to say because bias may cause many people to vote differently from what they told a pollster. Not because they wanted to be deceptive, but because they stayed unaware of their own bias until they got in the voting booth.

The best way to deal with bigotry and bias is to acknowledge it. By accepting your own biases you have the best chance at countering them and working to correct them. Unconscious motivations have the power to control our behaviors and the more conscious the thought you have, the better the chances that you can control it. Everyone has some amount of bias about something. We can all work toward a more equitable and accepting world by knowing our own human minds and helping each other to keep the playing field fair and level.

Will race affect the final outcome of the election?

Join the discussion >>

Get more information from TODAY at Todayshow.iVillage.com

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Recession-Proof Your Marriage

2008-10-14T15:22:02Z

Many couples fight about money—it is the number-one source of arguing in the best of times. But now, in some of the worst financial times, money has become an even greater stress on couples.

Watch the segment from TODAY

Couples who already had methods of communicating and compromising—gaining strength from each other and helping each other cope—are in better shape now than those who already had a rocky relationship. They are likely bringing those same skills to bear even as the stakes are higher. In fact, these couples may even find themselves feeling closer to each other and better about each other than before. They realize that together they can beat the battle better than alone, and they bring out each others' strengths.

Couples who have always struggled with talking, being secretive or even dishonest with each other are going to feel even worse with this new economic stress. They may find themselves unbearably stressed by the money secrets and totally alone about who to confide in. This loneliness can lead to depression and anxiety.

Now is the time to come clean about all money matters. Tell each other about debt, priorities, wishes, fears. Once the cards are on the table, you can start fresh on how to rebuild. Going forward, be honest with your partner and make money decisions as a team. Have conferences and make contingency plans on how you will act or spend for various scenarios. Having bailout plans of your own will make you feel less fearful of all the “what if?” situations and free you up to be more relaxed together. Plan for non-expensive playtime, like walks, exercising together, acting silly and having sex!

Having fun together is very important in these stressful times.

Is recession fear making you feel closer or pushing you apart?

Click here for more tips on dealing with financial stress from Dr. Gail Saltz, or find ways to Bail Yourself Out from iVillage.

Surviving Menopause

2008-10-06T16:38:57Z

Today I am speaking to a large group of women attending MORE magazine's Reinvention Convention. I will be talking about menopause and the mind.

So in a nutshell, here are the most important points.

Women in perimenopause do have a greater likelihood of suffering from both depressed moods and true depression. Those at highest risk are women who have had mood issues around their period or after childbirth, those with hot flashes, trouble sleeping, history of childhood abuse and a sudden surgically-caused menopause.

After menopause the likelihood of depression drops to normal. Depression can be treated with estrogen or antidepressants or psychotherapy.

Perimenopausal women also often notice difficulty with memory. Estrogen replacement may help with this temporary memory problem at the time right around menopause BUT data show that women who have not been on hormone replacement and then at a later age (like 65) take estrogen it can actually worsen symptoms of dementia. The data about hormone replacement therapy is quite tricky and should definitely be discussed with your gynecologist.

Depending on what your family history and medical issues are it might or might not be right for you.

Money Panic & Therapy

2008-09-30T14:00:00Z

For many people money usually is their number one source of stress and certainly now it is for almost everyone. It is also the number one source of fights for most couples. The current environment is stirring the conflict that most of us have about money to begin with. Which is why its so important to identify what your money issue is. It may vary depending on your psyche and background growing up. From overspending to underspending, from hoarding to guilt about having any, from using it to control your children to lying about it with your spouse, money causes conflict. Are you a workaholic, a frequent borrower or an enabler with money? Whatever your issue, figuring out what it is and where it came from can help.

Right now many are feeling panic. When overwhelmed by panic your mind cannot be as efficient in figuring out how to deal with your particular problem. It is very worth it to take time out to calm your mind. Deep breathing, exercise, a warm bath, distraction with music or comedy. Try not to watch the stock market every second because it will not help, but it will fill you with anxiety. If you find yourself really hopeless or unable to sleep or eat, concentrate or constantly filled with fear then it is time to see a professional because you may be suffering from either depression or an anxiety disorder. Treatment can help.

Get more information from TODAY at Todayshow.iVillage.com

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Fighting Over Your Candidate?

2008-09-29T14:30:18Z

People are feeling especially intensely about this election, not surprising given the sorry state of the nation at this point. I have been hearing from some couples that each member of the couple wants a different candidate to win this election....badly. Fear and anxiety drive a passion for a fix, so believing that your candidate possesses the cure makes you quite intent.

What happens when you feel intently for Obama and your mate feels intently for McCain? Fireworks! These couples are fighting about everything, not just national issues but it spills over into how you parent, how you clean, how you spend and of course how and IF you will have sex. Sometimes a heated argument can lead to great make-up sex, especially if it was actually a passionate exchange of intellectual ideas that neither of you take all that personally. But for a number of couples today, it is very very personal. In fact, personally, they are shutting their partner out in the non-sexual cold as punishment for supporting the "enemy".

You need to keep in mind that after November one person will be president, and you won't be married to him. You will be married to the same spouse and you will have to make that work.

Political debate is fun and exciting, a war of the Roses is not.

Get more information from TODAY at Todayshow.iVillage.com

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Financial Panic & Mental Health

2008-09-22T15:02:43Z

Following the recent financial roller coaster ride most people are feeling the heat, and it is increasing anxiety for many. Fear of job loss, actual job loss, loss of income from investments gone south and loss of home worth are creating real and terrible pressures and anxieties.

At times like this it is very normal to feel scared, angry and even sad. Even though its normal, it is still important to make efforts to de-stress. Do something that relaxes you for some time each day… take a bath, hug your partner, watch a funny movie. Make sure that you eat right, exercise and get enough sleep because these all help in the face of pressure.

If however you find yourself unable to sleep, losing your appetite, unable to concentrate and feeling hopeless about the future, you may have crossed the line from sadness in to depression. Depression needs professional intervention; either a therapist to talk to or, in severe cases, medication. This is a time to all support each other, to listen to each other and to remember what really matters to us most like family and health.

Get more information from TODAY at Todayshow.iVillage.com

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