When people get stressed it greatly affects their sexuality. This is true for both men and women. There is an evolutionary cause at work here. When you are anxious about danger (in the caveman days, that would be a lion or bear coming by your cave), the last thing you want to risk is getting caught with your pants down, literally. It's tough to run away or fight when you are locked in an amorous embrace. Hence, when we're stressed or anxious, we tend to shut down sexually.

I am hearing from quite a few men who are not only worried about their finances but--to add insult to injury--are also having difficulty maintaining an erection. It's bad enough to feel like you've failed in providing for your family, and it is awful to feel like a failure in bed on top of that. Sadly, many couples are simply not putting two and two together. They think it's a separate problem that is causing the impotence. So couples are wondering: Is our relationship in trouble? Is he no longer attracted to me?

If you are having financial concerns, and most everyone is, or certainly if one of you has lost a job, it is highly likely that any new problems in bed are related. See if there are any new medications that your partner has been taking that could affect his libido. If that's not the cause, it is likely the terrible strain of our current situation. Either way, you'll want your partner to see an internist because erectile problems can be the first symptom of cardiovascular issues or diabetes.

Tell each other you understand the problem and reassure your partner that it is not a lack of affection or attraction. Adding a little extra excitement by trying something new--a new outfit, position, act or even a little erotic film or book can help. An erectile dysfunction medication can temporarily help him get past this time, and then he can stop using it once he has regained his confidence.

By spending more time talking and helping each other with what actually worries you, you will ease tension, build intimacy and regain ability in bed.

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• TODAY on iVillage

Interestingly, I have been hearing from couples where one or both are feeling less in the mood for sex, and the reason seems to be that it is simply too hot. How can you be too hot for sex?!?! 

Well, actually there are some people who really dislike sweating or feeling overheated. For them, feeling warm and then touching bodies makes them feel like they are melting and miserable. For some people, sweating is really part of the fun of the exertion of sex-- the messier the better. For others, covered in sweat is a big turn off. This can be a matter of personal fastidiousness, sensitive nose, embarrassment created by sweating, or feelings that a hot flash is being exacerbated by closeness.

If your partner's desire seems to have gone down as the temperature goes up, you might want to ask them about their feelings on the heat. The good news is that there are options to help out.

Sex in the water does away with the whole concern about sweat and heat. In the shower, in the tub, a pool, the ocean...you get the idea!  Blasting the air conditioning in one room just prior to bedtime is another way to go.  It may be 80 degrees everywhere else, but for an hour it can be 70 degrees wherever you plan to make whoopee.

For those for whom fastidiousness is an overall issue, this could be the opportunity to desensitize yourself to sweat:  Just go for it and see that sweat can be fun!

Any other suggestions out there?  I'd love to hear how you beat the heat.

There are two new books out from couples who made a decision to have sex with their spouse every night for 101 or 365 days. The reviews from both couples seem to be mixed…not surprising. Yes, it improved intimacy and yes, it was very difficult and, at times, a horrible drag.

While I agree with the concept that sometimes when you are not in the mood and you just push yourself to start having sex and you will find you get in the mood, I also believe if you can never say “NO” then “YES” never really means “YES!”. In other words, it is important to make sex important in your relationship. Sometimes this means making a serious effort at it even when you are not feeling so inclined. But, if you feel like you can never not be in the mood, never turn your partner down, never disappoint him, then the likelihood you will ever genuinely feel excited is not going to be there. Having a good sexual life does mean prioritizing it. It means talking about how to make it better with your spouse. It means taking into account how your partner feels about it. But it does not mean ignoring your needs and desires.

What both couples seem to have really learned is how much closer and intimate sex can make you feel, even when you have been married a long time. This is because we are all at our most vulnerable during sex. It is an open, honest and tender time. You each get to see and feel more of the human essence of your mate. You have put it out there -- in terms of what you like, what you don’t and what you are thinking about. This is both exciting and scary, which is why so many people back away and erect a wall against such intimacy-- to avoid the risk of rejection. It is so important to be sensitive to each others' vulnerable state and be as supportive as possible. At the same time, such revelation is very exciting when you feel really safe and honest and loved just for being you with your partner.

I think the takeaway from such an exercise is that sometimes you just have to get going to break through those initial sexual barriers that may have been built up over many years. What is on the other side is most certainly worth having.

What are your thoughts?

Thank you to all who wrote in such good questions about addressing sex and sexuality with your children. I of course will not be able to answer all your questions on air, so I am adding some answers here.

Watch the segment from TODAY Many questions are about "what is normal?" Suffice it to say that when it comes to each individual's curiosity about and interest in sex there is a huge variation in "normal". It is normal to want to know everything and think about it a lot; it is also normal to not ask questions and feel somewhat embarrassed to discuss it at all. It is easiest when your child asks questions and you answer specifically what they are asking. If done in a matter-of-fact, comfortable way you will provide the information they need and open the future up for further dialogue. If they don't ask or bring it up, then you should. By nine or ten, kids are starting puberty and their bodies change and they need the information to avoid embarrassment, shock and the feeling that something is wrong with the subject matter. Bring it up with a book or in conversation related to something going on in your lives (teachers having a baby, tampon commercial on television, a mature theme on a kids' television program).

If they resist talking about it, then ask them what the problem is. What makes them uncomfortable, what are they embarrassed about? You may be able to diffuse their shyness about it.

Many kids feel anxious about masturbation, they wonder if it's wrong (the old "if something feels this good it must be bad" thing) and for girls they may wonder how a big baby gets out of such a small vagina without "killing you". It is important to address their fears. ALL children masturbate at some point and they should know that; they should also know that it is fine and yet that it is private.

Girls need help understanding that vaginas expand and contract (try a balloon analogy) and therefore it is safe and will not damage a woman.

Really, the conversations with kids of a younger age are easier and if done comfortably will make the adolescent conversations easier. Talk to your teen about the huge responsibility that sex is. It changes you. It also carries the responsibility of preventing pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. It is emotionally huge and it involves the feelings of two people.

Talk to them about the fact that sex does not only mean intercourse. Oral sex is sex. Heavy petting is sex. They need to think it all through and therefore not get caught in the heat of the moment, unprepared for what they want and know is best for them. It is true that sometimes the media or an experience will push your hand and force you to explain some issues, either before you wanted to or even some issues you wished you never had to. But knowledge is power and you are really better off equipping your child with tools than leaving them unknowing and unprepared or, worse yet, misinformed from talking to a peer who has incorrect information.

If you find that a book is useful to you as a guide, I have written two that you may find useful. The first, Amazing You; Getting Smart About your Private Parts is for three to eight or nine year olds. The book covers all the body parts and how a baby grows in the uterus, but it does not contain anything about intercourse itself. The second book, Changing You: A Guide to Body Changes and Sexuality is for kids ages eight to ten through fourteen. It explains puberty and sexual intercourse. Both books address age-appropriate issues of not letting others touch you, sexual thoughts and masturbation. If your child won't read the book with you, give it to them to read on their own and then invite questions. Use this as a time to impart your own morals and values about sex as well. Kids may act like they don't hear you at times, but believe me, they are listening. They internalize your values, and studies show it impacts their decision-making greatly.

Please continue to write in with any problems of questions you have on this all-important topic.

Get more information on this and other topics on The Today Show on iVillage.

Please remember that when you post a comment to this blog, your comment and the name under which you submit it may be viewed by the public.

On May 23rd, I will be doing a segment on the Today show on how difficult it is to answer some of your kid's questions on sex. Actually, for some parents it's difficult to bring anything related to sex and bodies up with their child. Some parents have trouble broaching the subject; others are great until their adolescent asks them if oral sex is really sex.  Whether it's naming body parts, starting "the talk" or answering those tricky questions later about intercourse, sexually transmitted diseases or when it is OK to engage in sexual activity.

I would like to hear your questions!  Please leave a comment with your questions about how to discuss sex and sexuality with your child. In addition if you have any particularly tricky moments that stumped you, please write them down too. I will try to cover as many as possible in the 8 o'clock hour of the Today show on May 23rd.

Leave your questions or concerns as a comment below!

UPDATE: Click here to see Gail's response to your questions.

Please remember that when you post a comment to this blog, your comment and the name under which you submit it may be viewed by the public.

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More from Gail Saltz

• Talking to your adolescent about sex

Most women have sometime in their sexual lives faked an orgasm. Not only that but they also have likely faked being aroused in the first place, or possibly faked experiencing what their partner is doing as feeling good. There are many reasons women fake it. Most women will tell you it is to please their partner. Women feel tremendous pressure to preserve their partner’s ego and fear he will be crushed if they don’t appear to orgasm. Women also think that in order to hold onto their man (keep him from finding a more satisfying partner) they have to appear very hot in bed which they believe translates into having an orgasm all the time. Some women fake it for other reasons. Many women are self conscious about the amount of time it takes them to climax. Rather than being uninhibited about how long, how much stimulation and what kind they need, a woman may chose to just fake it and not have to “expose” her needs to her partner. There is also a group of women who really don’t know how to have an orgasm. They feel very inhibited and have not been able to explore what work for them, let alone tell or show a partner how to help them climax. This group will often fake orgasms to avoid revealing what feels like a “defect” in their body or sexuality.

The problem with faking it is that it becomes a real vicious cycle. Once you fake it, he thinks he is satisfying you and therefore has no reason to try new things or ask you what would feel better…after all you appear to be feeling about as good as it gets. In the meantime, you may be feeling increasingly angry at missing out as well as hopeless about ever getting to experience what you are missing. The angrier and more dejected you feel during sex, the less likelihood you have of feeling truly connected to the sexual experience. As you distance yourself your chances of being really aroused diminish.

Should you ever fake it? In a nutshell, NO! Some women describe on occasion that they don’t feel like expending the energy it may take them to have an orgasm on a particular night. In this case, tell him that orgasms are not the end all be all for you and that sometimes the closeness and intimacy of sex is just what you are in the mood for. In other words, be honest. So what can you do if you have been faking it in your relationship and now feel stuck?

1. Come clean without hurting him. If you say, “You know all our great sex for the last decade, well I’ve been faking it…” you will really devastate him. I don’t recommend that. Instead tell him you have been having more difficulty achieving orgasm lately and would like to experiment with some new things. Then stop moaning and screaming unless you really feel that aroused. Next you have to tell him what you think would be worth trying to see if it works.

2. Give specific directions. If he has been left in the dark you really have to give him specific directions. “To the right, that’s great, a little softer…” The man cannot read your mind so tell him or show him what works.

3. Give yourself more time. It does take more time for many women and if you are in some race to beat the clock you probably will cave in and fake it. If you ask him, he’d probably say he would be happy to work at it with you all night. Many women think things like.. “he must be getting bored.” Or “he’s wondering what’s wrong with me”. These are your thoughts ladies, not his. Most men find sex to be loads and loads of fun and would be very pleased to spend as much time stimulating you as you would like.

4. Educate yourself. If you don’t know how to stimulate yourself, it will be difficult to tell him how to. First learn how to touch yourself and reach orgasm then you will be able to show him what works.

5. Communicate. Tell him that orgasm is not the only goal for you in lovemaking and that sometimes you are really quite content to enjoy the affection and closeness. Make it clear you will let him know if you do want to have an orgasm and that you will help him to help you. In the end truly pleasing you will bring both of more pleasure and closeness.

Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.

Dr. Gail Saltz was on the Today show talking about a very hot topic from the iVillage message boards. Many couples are in long-term relationships but have decided that getting married just isn't for them. Brad and Angelina and Kurt and Goldie are just a few of the Hollywood couples who are committed without the paperwork, but more and more people are jumping on the bandwagon.  Check out the full segment below.

Watch the segment from TODAY What do you think about this hot topic? Leave a comment below with your thoughts, and visit the Unmarried by Choice message board to weigh in with other iVillage users.

Who, you may ask, is having sex after 50, after 60, after 70? The answer is...plenty of people.

It is true that as one ages there are issues that come up, both physical and psychological, that can put a real crimp in your sex life. In fact, a third of people post 50 report having real sexual problems that range from erectile dysfunction to loss of libido. But, that also means that 75% of people are not reporting a problem.

As age goes up, so do medical problems and use of medications, both of which can interfere with sexual functioning. Many couples kind of give up once they don't feel like it or sex is fraught with some failure or disappointment. Once a couple throws in the towel, it is highly unlikely they will get back to sex. The point being that a problem should be addressed as soon as it arises. Sometimes hormone replacement is needed or a medical problem addressed or medication changed, and certainly above all there needs to be discussion about improving the sex and trying new things to see what might work.

Many couples, however, report the best sex they have ever had after 50. Both men and women may become more comfortable with their bodies, know what works best for each other, and feel generally less inhibited. They don't have to worry about pregnancy and birth control--though they should continue protected sex unless this is their longterm, STD free and monogamous partner.

While there are certainly more challenges to sex after menopause and with advancing age, the idea that there is no great sex then is a myth. If you are experiencing difficulty, see your doctor to check medical issues and hormone levels.

Remember that this time requires more communication and openness, but there is much to be gained!

Watch the segment from TODAY Please leave a comment and let me know what you think of the topic!

There is a real range when it comes to women having orgasms. There is a likely biological difference between women (though exactly what that might be is not known). Some women have a lower threshold for orgasm and other women a higher threshold. This reflects differences in sensitivity.

There is a big psychological difference between women in that some women are more uninhibited than others and can let themselves go without guilt or shame and this makes it easier for them to have an orgasm. Anxiety interferes both psychologically and biologically (in the brain by blocking certain neural pathways) with reaching a climax. Lastly there are differences in education levels about the body and sex. Some women simply know a lot more about how to have an orgasm than others.

Women take on average 20 minutes of stimulation and arousal to have an orgasm; men take quite a bit less. Women also have more variation in what they find to be stimulating as well as having more difficulty defining exactly where and how stimulation works best. Only 20% of women are able to orgasm with intercourse alone; most women need some sort of direct clitoral stimulation.

Many things can interfere with a woman's ability to have an orgasm: some medications (antidepressants and antihistamines are big offenders), anxiety, depression, alcohol (more than a little), old myths and inhibitions about it being wrong or scary to enjoy sex, hormonal changes.

Of course sex really means pleasuring yourself and your partner and this does not necessarily include having an orgasm. Sex can be fun and wonderful without. However, many women find the release of orgasm to be an important component and many men are really excited and gratified by their partner reaching orgasm.

One of the biggest impediments for women is that they have never really understood, looked at or examined their own genitals. They have not really figured out what kind of stimulation and where feels best for them, so they are not able to guide a partner in this. Many men don't know either, unless they have had a partner who has really shown them, and even then because each person is different they cannot know what works for you.

Many women are afraid to ask questions because they feel if it's not obvious, it must be because their genitals don't work properly and they can't have an orgasm. This is really untrue, but such a powerful belief can certainly keep you from becoming aroused enough.

If you are trying to climax but haven't been able to, or if it's very difficult for you and you wish it were easier, here are some suggestions.

1. Self-Stimulation. It's hard to say enough good things about how important it is to know yourself. Even if you have a partner, you only stand to make things better by practicing alone, when the pressure is off, to find out what works best for you and discover how to show him too.

2. Try a Vibrator. A battery-operated vibrator can help "break through" an obstacle to climaxing. Once you have had the experience several times, it will give you confidence that you "work just fine" and allow you to replicate that stimulation on your own or with your partner.

3. More direct stimulation. You can't count on intercourse alone to provide enough stimulation. You may need to have you or your partner stimulate the clitoris more directly, manually, orally or with a vibrator.

4. Use fantasy! You need a good fantasy to boost arousal enough to climax. Thinking about what you should make for dinner tomorrow during sex is not going to do it.

5. Try new things. Like with anything else in life, the "same old, same old" can get boring and boring does not go well together with orgasm. So mix it up and try new things to increase your arousal.

Today on the show Drew Pinsky, M.D., and I discussed what to do when your partner has a sexual problem. This was a segment for women specifically when their male partner was experiencing a sexual problem.

Most common problems for men are: Erectile dysfunction, a sexual desire that is much higher or much lower than your wife's, and premature ejaculation. These issues are all treatable, but most couples never get help because they are so uncomfortable about the issue that they do not discuss it and do not seek help.

Erectile dysfunction may be the first symptom for a medical problem (like diabetes, or cardiovascular disease) and therefore new ED should prompt a visit to the doctor for a check up and a testosterone level check (another less likely but possible culprit in ED). Many men feel so ashamed of the ED that they definitely do not want to go to the doctor. Talking to your husband about the possibility that it is a medical issue, and that you would even like to go with him to the doctor often really helps.

Desire differences are extremely common. There are many techniques to raise desire in the lower desire partner, again, if you talk about it.

Premature ejaculation affects many men and can be treated with using a technique called the "Stop-Start Method". Condoms often help by reducing stimulation and even medication temporarily can rectify the problem.

But no help can occur when , to avoid the conversation, both people pull toward their own side of the bed and avoid having sex altogether. This is a common though unfortunate occurrence.

It is best to have the conversation out of the bedroom, when both of you can feel less vulnerable. Pick the kitchen on a drive or some other neutral territory.

Open with how you notice this problem and you love him so you want to put your heads together to make it better. Ask if there is any stress at work, with other relationships, financial worries … all of which could be the culprit.

Ask about any problems between the two of you, another likely culprit.

Suggest you go for the checkup to be supportive and rule out that possibility and then also consider a certified sex therapist who can work with you on specific tasks and treatments to help.

Sex is an important part of every marriage, and keeping it healthy keeps the relationship healthy too.

What was once about just the two of you — fun, spontaneity, impulsivity, sex whenever you felt like it, juggling only each other’s schedules — now becomes much more complicated. Many couples find it difficult enough to negotiate between just the two of them let alone when they have a third, fourth or fifth person whose needs must be met.

Sex life tends to take the biggest hit. This is a combination of loss of certain freedoms with demands of more pressure. Loss of spontaneity. Loss of time to romance, to talk and to “warm up” for sex. And loss of individual time which leads to feeling stressed. And then the demands and pressure. Demands to make more money. Demands of operating with increased stress under sleep deprivation. Pressure put on when you and your spouse have different styles of childrearing which can lead to arguments.

When you are angry at your partner and stressed out, you probably won't feel like having sex. Women often get their “touch needs” met by their babies and they no longer want to be touched by the time it’s nighttime. Their children may have been pulling on them and clinging to them all day and they may not feel like being touched by their partner, whether it’s an affectionate touch or a sexual one. Resentment over not enough attention to each other and constant demands of kids leave couples angry and therefore not wanting to have sex. Physical changes of childbirth and age on the body also greatly impact the desire to have sex.

If you don’t carve out time to talk to one another and reconnect, then anger will mount. Working out the day-to-day strategy of life will become more difficult. Both parties need to acknowledge that having children does mean sacrificing personal time. Partying with your buddies will largely fall by the wayside. Occasionally, partners can negotiate to allow for that. But it is important for the marriage that you spend private time together. Make time for dates. Make time to talk about how your life is changing.

Remember that men and women have different sexual needs. Men get turned on quickly. Women need time to warm up slowly until they are as hot as their partners. Both partners need to empathize with the other, to understand where they are coming from, to divide responsibilities fairly. Communication, as always, is key. Acceptance that things will be different, as opposed to denying the reality and trying operate as though it all should be the same, is necessary, too.

Planning and prioritizing a sex life is important. Once the sex is gone, the marriage isn’t far behind. For women, ask for talk time, for emotional foreplay, for feeling connected as a method to then feel sexually connected.

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