Money is one of the top topics for arguing in a marriage and also one of the main reasons for splitting up. Yet as important as this topic is to discuss, it is one of the subjects couples are least likely to talk about before and during a marriage. Most couples feel it is not romantic or too personal to discuss, and so the problems mount until an explosion occurs. People come to a relationship with their own way of thinking about and dealing with money. Your money style has a lot to do with the way your parents dealt with money and also your risk-taking versus conservative personality style. In addition, in this day and age of many second marriages and step children many couples come to a marriage with debt, alimony, feelings about how much they want to spend on their biological child versus a step child, etc. These are all issues which need to be sorted out, discussed and understood before marriage.

Differences between the sexes in attitude toward money also make agreements difficult to come by. Both men and women tend to be concerned about retirement and the wish to have enough money to do so comfortably. Men still make most financial decisions about cars and investments whereas women do about major appliances and things for the kids. Most fights occur over spending for both men and women; who gets to, how much, from what pot? Besides money being a limited commodity and therefore couples are scared about not having enough (hence arguments) it also represents power and couples will argue over who has the power in the relationship. Feeling that the subject of money is taboo or embarrassing is the reason couples tend not discuss even the basics and hence anger builds and festers, good feelings begin to erode between them and ultimately a big blow up occurs.

Things you need to do:

Ante up before the marriage. Many people either keep quiet about money or even lie. You need to reveal all debt from the start. It will all come out eventually, with much more anger and angst. Be up front. Find out what they owe, what they spend, what they consider to be priorities, what is their style of saving and spending. Discuss financial goals, retirement, credit cards and how you feel about debt. Discuss alimony and child support, mortgage, bankruptcy... if those apply. Also discuss how you both FEEL about money.  What does it represent to you? How was it handled in your family of origin?  Do you tend to be tight with it or relaxed?

Have a monthly conference. Keep up every month with a discussion of where you are financially, where you want to be. Discuss planning for children. Talk about which expenses will get a priority when money gets tight (before it gets tight). What was spent, any debt issues and plans for investing. Set aside the time and don’t have it off the cuff or in the bedroom.

Be knowledgeable. Both partners should stay informed about what is happening with the money.  How much there is? How much is spent?

Make a budget. You need to agree upon a budget so both know what the other expects.

Be honest. Many people lie or omit information when it comes to money.  Eventually the truth comes out and the betrayal can destroy the marriage. Be sure to be up front and honest about how you handle money. Being secretive about money is also a slippery slope when it comes to lying about other issues.

Get more tips and information at Today Show on iVillage

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Related content from Dr. Gail Saltz:

• Surviving the Stresses of Recession
• Financial Panic & Mental Health
  

Interestingly, I have been hearing from couples where one or both are feeling less in the mood for sex, and the reason seems to be that it is simply too hot. How can you be too hot for sex?!?! 

Well, actually there are some people who really dislike sweating or feeling overheated. For them, feeling warm and then touching bodies makes them feel like they are melting and miserable. For some people, sweating is really part of the fun of the exertion of sex-- the messier the better. For others, covered in sweat is a big turn off. This can be a matter of personal fastidiousness, sensitive nose, embarrassment created by sweating, or feelings that a hot flash is being exacerbated by closeness.

If your partner's desire seems to have gone down as the temperature goes up, you might want to ask them about their feelings on the heat. The good news is that there are options to help out.

Sex in the water does away with the whole concern about sweat and heat. In the shower, in the tub, a pool, the ocean...you get the idea!  Blasting the air conditioning in one room just prior to bedtime is another way to go.  It may be 80 degrees everywhere else, but for an hour it can be 70 degrees wherever you plan to make whoopee.

For those for whom fastidiousness is an overall issue, this could be the opportunity to desensitize yourself to sweat:  Just go for it and see that sweat can be fun!

Any other suggestions out there?  I'd love to hear how you beat the heat.

Most women I see tell me they are happy that they found someone special and are married because they would not want to be alone. What’s more curious, however, is how many women tell me that they really feel lonely IN their marriage. As hard as it is to feel lonely when you have no significant other, it is even more emotionally difficult when you do have a partner and you feel lonely anyway. When you are single, you at least have the fantasy that one day you’ll meet someone and not be lonely. But when you are married, your loneliness feels infinite and hopeless. You wonder, is it me, is it him or is it us?

What is loneliness?

Married or not, everyone has some time they spend alone. But not everyone enjoys it. The fact is to some degree we are all alone, in that no one can ever be at one with us “really”. On the other hand, metaphorically, we can feel at one with someone for periods of very intimate time. This happens in great friendships and great marriages. Still, even with your soul mate, there are times you will be alone. Alone simply means no other human being is with you. Alone time can even be intensely enjoyable if it is experienced as a freedom to do what you want and if you have the self confidence to think that your own company is pretty darn good. Loneliness is a feeling of emptiness, abandonment and rejection. You do not need to be alone to feel lonely and lonely is not a good feeling.

Watch the segment from TODAY

Researchers analyzed data collected from 1992 through 2005, as part of the Social Relations and Health Over the Life Course Study and particularly at the ratings to these two statements.

1. My (spouse/partner, child, friend) gets on my nerves.
2. My (spouse/partner, child, friend) makes too many demands on me.

In all age groups people reported viewing their spouse as more negatively than children or friends. This negative view of spouses tends to increase over time. Previous research has shown that the older people get the more stable their emotions and the less negative their experiences in a relationship, but marriages don't follow this rule.

Likely explanations are that children grow up and spend less time with you and you can pick, switch up and get rid of friends. But spouses stay with you and live with you, and over time, it seems, all this togetherness allows irritations at habits and differences to grow and fester. Demands that once were a little annoying seem a lot more annoying over time.

Most importantly is for people to know that some of these feelings are really normal and do not mean that you don't love each other anymore or should split up. It does mean finding better ways to communicate what is really a problem and tolerate what isn't such a big deal. It also means reorienting expectations so that you stop pining for perfection when "pretty happy" is much more reasonable.

Watch the segment from TODAY Please remember that when you post a comment to this blog, your comment and the name under which you submit it may be viewed by the public.

Marriages inevitably present challenges. You and your spouse likely have different opinions, backgrounds, feelings, wishes and ideas about how to do things in life. Every marriage goes through its trials and tribulations as a couple works out these differences or weathers lulls in the passion. So if you are going through a rough patch, how can you tell if your difficulties are something you can manage on your own or if you need to seek marriage counseling?

Marital counseling is designed to help you rebuild, repair and improve your relationship. It may on the other hand help you decide if, in fact, you would be better off splitting up. Typical kinds of problems that benefit from counseling are infidelity, financial problems, blending families, sexual problems, conflicts over parenting, how to argue, physical or mental illness, and substance abuse.

So what if every discussion ends in an argument, or your spouse is avoiding talking at all? What if the sex has ended? What if you know you've got problems but can't figure out how to fix them?

Here is how you know if you need to get to a professional:

1. If most communication ends in fights, hostility, is antagonistic or if there is any kind of violence.

2. If one or both of you has withdrawn from the other.

3. Sexual problems or infidelity.

4. If problems in the relationship have resulted in one or both people suffering depression, insecurity or turning to drinking or someone else.

5. If you know the marriage is in trouble or you are only staying for the kids.

A marriage counselor will usually meet with each person individually and then the couple together. They will give you tools to understand each other and to resolve your conflicts. They can work towards your ability to problem-solve and argue better. Usually they will meet with you once a week and depending on whether this is for a sudden crisis or more longstanding problems they will see you for several sessions or several months. Look for someone well trained, who has experience specifically in the issues you are facing in your marriage. Therapy is never easy work but it can make a world of difference in your relationship.

The holidays are centered around being together with family—sharing time and a meal together. Because it is the family day of the year, when there are estranged family members involved, you tend to feel the hurt and the loss more acutely. Similarly, when there is family for whom you have tremendous anger and hostility, coming together for the holiday can be excruciatingly stressful.

Many family members in this country have had some sort of falling out where they no longer have contact. Many siblings have become estranged, adult children no longer speak to their parents; even ex’s can be completely emotionally separate, despite having children in common.

Siblings are a unique and wonderful relationship. They are your peers, yet your family, and they really get where you come from. But siblings can have a total falling out over care choices for aging parents, fighting over a parent’s will, siding after a parents divorce, or even a slow drift apart after a lack of a bond forming when they grew up. I have seen numerous instances where siblings have not spoken for many years.

Adult children can also have a rupture in their relationship with their parents. They cannot negotiate the changes that occur when the child grows up, and now have different view points from their parent. Sometimes the terms of a divorce are so horrible that former spouses cannot find any kind of relationship, despite having children together. It is true that some relationships are so totally destructive to one or both parties that it is better not to have one at all. However, many more people have split for reasons that could be worked on and bettered if they would let themselves realize how much the relationship matters to them.

Sadly, I have seen many people who, in retrospect, have woken up to realize that they have lost out on an important person in their life and now most of their life has gone by. Don’t let this be you. Siblings, parents, and even ex’s with whom you have shared significant time with or children are valuable and enriching parts of your life. Whether it is something specific you have argued over and become estranged, or whether you have simply drifted apart, there is no better time than the present to work towards reconciliation.

Tips:

1. It is NEVER too late.

Many people stop themselves from trying to either reconcile or make the relationship a better one because they feel it has been so long that there is no hope, or no point, or not worth it. This could not be more untrue. Often it only takes reaching out to the other to “break the ice” and you will be moving toward a relationship. No matter how many years have gone by, there is always room to find your way back.

2. Make the first move. Often anger and pride get in the way of taking the first step. Somebody has to take the first step or nothing ever happens. You would be shocked how often just making the first call or writing the first letter is responded to with, “Oh, I am really glad you called. I have been thinking about you too.” Of course at some point it must be a two way street, and if the other person won’t allow you back in, then it won’t work. It usually has more to do with starting a process then not being able to complete one.

3. Take responsibility for your part. It always takes two to tango and somewhere in what happened, you own part of it. Rather than being defensive or accusatory, own up. This will pave the way for hurt to be overcome and progress forward.

4. Keep the door open. Sometimes the other person may not be able to respond right away to your olive branch. This does not mean that they will never be able to. They may just need to mull over your gesture for a little while and then respond. So if they don’t immediately, try not to get angry and chew them out. Tell them you understand they have to think about it and you are there if they can talk later. If you leave the door open, they may come through later.

5. Discuss stressful issue BEFORE the holiday. If the problem is more that something has been brewing between you, do not leave it until the big day where tension is already high and you will likely blow up on the day and ruin it for everyone. Meet before and discuss the tough issue so it will have at least been discussed and you may be able to put it aside for the holiday and enjoy what you can of each other.

Watch a clip of the segment on TODAY:

Today on the show Drew Pinsky, M.D., and I discussed what to do when your partner has a sexual problem. This was a segment for women specifically when their male partner was experiencing a sexual problem.

Most common problems for men are: Erectile dysfunction, a sexual desire that is much higher or much lower than your wife's, and premature ejaculation. These issues are all treatable, but most couples never get help because they are so uncomfortable about the issue that they do not discuss it and do not seek help.

Erectile dysfunction may be the first symptom for a medical problem (like diabetes, or cardiovascular disease) and therefore new ED should prompt a visit to the doctor for a check up and a testosterone level check (another less likely but possible culprit in ED). Many men feel so ashamed of the ED that they definitely do not want to go to the doctor. Talking to your husband about the possibility that it is a medical issue, and that you would even like to go with him to the doctor often really helps.

Desire differences are extremely common. There are many techniques to raise desire in the lower desire partner, again, if you talk about it.

Premature ejaculation affects many men and can be treated with using a technique called the "Stop-Start Method". Condoms often help by reducing stimulation and even medication temporarily can rectify the problem.

But no help can occur when , to avoid the conversation, both people pull toward their own side of the bed and avoid having sex altogether. This is a common though unfortunate occurrence.

It is best to have the conversation out of the bedroom, when both of you can feel less vulnerable. Pick the kitchen on a drive or some other neutral territory.

Open with how you notice this problem and you love him so you want to put your heads together to make it better. Ask if there is any stress at work, with other relationships, financial worries … all of which could be the culprit.

Ask about any problems between the two of you, another likely culprit.

Suggest you go for the checkup to be supportive and rule out that possibility and then also consider a certified sex therapist who can work with you on specific tasks and treatments to help.

Sex is an important part of every marriage, and keeping it healthy keeps the relationship healthy too.

I will discuss on the TODAY Show what happens when your partner has a wandering eye.

First off, it is worth saying that humans all have some measure of voyeurism and exhibitionism: we like to look and we like to show. Some of us like it however, more than others. I tend to hear more distress from women about their male partner looking at other women and how much this bothers them.

Both men and women are visual, but it is true that men tend to look more at women's bodies than women checking out men, but women having a wandering eye is on the rise. Men also tend to think about sex more times per day than women and this becomes a part of their looking.

Still, there is looking and there is LOOKING. Most people are not very bothered by the occasional glance. But blatantly checking out, commenting on, repeated admiring of and certainly flirting or touching usually feel quite undermining to a partner. Such behavior makes one feel unappreciated, and even threatened in the relationship. Unless both parties are confident of the others' affection, appearance, and fidelity it generally will stir envy and hurt.

It's helpful to know that some people don't really realize what they are doing and how it makes you feel. You really do have to point it out, make them aware of it and how it makes you feel. Many partners, once told how hurtful and disrespectful it is to you, will make an effort to curb such behavior, but the hurt party will often have difficulty explaining how they feel.

Make it clear: you don't expect them to wear blinders, or stare at the ground; just don't ogle. If your partner really won't make any effort to change and doesn't appear to care how it makes you feel, it's likely you have other such issues and couples therapy may be in order. Most important is to be rational and reasonable in your request. Being unreasonably jealous with unreasonable requests is likely to make your partner throw out the baby with the bathwater and pay you no heed.

Also make sure you do give your partner positive feedback and admiration because everyone needs that and if you don't at all, they may be "looking" for that feedback elsewhere.

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