Emotional affairs are on the rise because the ability to connect with more people outside of a marriage has increased. For example, there are more women in the workplace and, of course, the Internet has opened up new opportunities. Plus, it is also on the rise because many people convince themselves that as long as there is no sex, it's not an affair... but it is.

An affair really has to do with secrecy, deception of the partner and therefore betrayal. It also has to do with the amount of emotional energy you put into the new person that you therefore are not giving to your partner. Actually, most people are more disturbed by the breaking of trust than by sex in an affair.  That betrayal of trust is the most difficult thing to recover from.

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Many people have an emotional affair, yet due to their own denial don’t believe they are cheating. The denial keeps them guilt-free and they don’t have to give it up.

So how do you know if you are having emotional affair?

1. You keep meetings and conversations secret from your partner.
2. You say and do things with another person you never would in front of your spouse.
3. You make a point to arrange talk time with someone other than your partner.
4. You share things with another person that you don’t with your partner.

Most people were actually not looking for an affair. They find themselves interested in a new person and it becomes a slippery slope.  At some point, if the relationship continues it often does lead to sex. The person may start to depend on them for the emotional highs and good feelings they give throughout during the day.

So often we don’t appreciate our relationship until we are about to lose it. If you have had an affair, you need to own up and take responsibility

Here's my advice if you think you're having an emotional affair:

• END IT! No halfway, no "kind of", no being friends…It has to end or you will still be in it and cannot build back your partners trust.
• Take Responsibility. No one else did it but you.  You need to own it to get past it.
• Figure out why you did it. Was your marriage failing? Were you looking for self esteem? Repeating the pattern of a parent who cheated?
• Be trustworthy. The biggest obstacle to your relationship's survival is the betrayal, so you must be thoroughly open and trustworthy to build trust back. This means doing what your partner needs you to do (like coming home right after work, breaking off all contact with the other person).
• It takes time. Rebuilding trust after betrayal takes time.  You have to be patient and can’t expect your partner to just bounce back.

So, what do you think?   Take the poll and leave a comment with your thoughts below!

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NBC's Chris Jansing reports on the difficulties couples go through when considering divorce. TODAY's Ann Curry talks to psychiatrist Gail Saltz about one of life's toughest conversations.

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Divorce is never easy. How do you know when it is time to walk away? When is it time to go to marriage counseling? What sort of conversations does a couple need to have in order to bridge the gap?

Get more on this and other topics on Today Show on iVillage.

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More from Gail Saltz:

• Divorce: When is it time to go?
• Marriage SOS

As I am sure many of you have noticed, there appears to be a rise in people choosing to show the worst of themselves or of someone else in a public forum such as Youtube.

Last week a group of girls videotaped themselves beating up a classmate and this week a woman airs her marital grievances as well as her accusations of infidelity and impotence.

Why is this happening? There was a time when no one would have dreamed of revealing such awful behavior and would avoid public humiliation. But the new millennium seems to have brought with it an ever-increasing threshold for public display, shame and exhibitionism.

Watch the full segment on TODAY Humans by nature have exhibitionistic and voyeuristic wishes, but society generally helps them control those urges. Parents tell their children that it is wrong and act as role models of the proper way to behave.

Unfortunately, exhibiting shameful behavior has become sport, from reality TV to Youtube to Myspace ... Screens are blasted with image after image and we are all watching. We have become increasingly desensitized to the taboo of exhibitionism and to the taboo of sadism. Sadism and masochism are also parts of human nature but usually kept in check by a community that wants to keep each other safe and moral. Today, watching sadism has become in vogue, whether watching a chef torture wannabes or watching the humiliations and razor-sharp criticisms of American Idol, or everyone going to the boxing match to see the knockout, not the fancy footwork.

The risks are that the next generation will have an even harder time keeping the more primitive aggressive drives and wishes in check. Children learn from what they see and they will do as you do, not just as you say. Talk to your child about what they are seeing and teach them why this kind of public humiliation sadly helps no one and for many will be very destructive.

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Related content from Gail Saltz:

• The Non-Divorce Divorce
• Infidelity: Danger Signs and Myths
• Marriage S.O.S.

A lot of people are wondering what is going on with Heather Mills and her latest announcement about going on the offensive with the media and thinking of suicide. Whether you like her or not, or whether you think she is in the right or wrong in her divorce, the fact remains that the media has ganged up on her in a Lord of the Flies manner and is essentially bullying her. Being truly bullied is no small matter. Being the victim of bullying has led many an adolescent to depression, anxiety, violent behavior and even suicide. It is very possible that she is not exaggerating the toll this has taken on her and her life.

Unfortunately, at the same time, Paul McCartney is a tremendously beloved and idealized figure and so anything she has publicly said that is negative about him is backfiring. No one likes to have a hero insulted, and so there will be no public support for her as long as she says negative things about him. But in a divorce the truth tends to be that it does take two to tango and both parties have done something wrong. Just as often neither person can see the other's point of view and therefore each tends to feel they are in the right.

People often want to believe one person is the villain and to blame; it makes us more comfortable and we can identify with that scenario more easily than the murky waters of both parties involved in the demise. Heather Mills has failed to make herself a very sympathetic figure because the way she speaks about her importance ("I am responsible for thousands of people's lives!") sounds self-aggrandizing and is repelling others, even though it may be very true that she has been very altruistic toward others.

Sadly, the one who may be suffering the most is their daughter. To even hear that your mother feels suicidal, let alone living with someone who is very depressed and anxious can be terribly traumatic. You might wonder how any good mother could think of suicide, but the fact remains that someone suffering from the extremes of depression and anxiety cannot necessarily hold onto her usual thinking, and feels only desperate and cornered. Death can seem the only way out. Any threat of suicide should really be taken seriously and evaluated by a trained professional. Some of what goes on with the media and celebrities amounts to bullying and we as a nation could be stating that we don't want to see that. Bullying only begets bullies. This is what we may be seeing in the Mills case, she going on the attack to try to turn the tables.

Again, no one really wins, least of all the child.

Today we discussed how to help Sharon with her "divorce makeover". Here were some of the psychological points that I thought would be helpful to Sharon.

Sometimes a person allows herself to be treated badly in a marriage because she feels she deserves it, that she is really not worthwhile or valuable, lovable and maybe even are deserving of punishment. Many overweight women struggle with feeling no one will ever want them, so they think they should hold onto a terrible guy or they will always be alone. Women who don't think much of themselves are often terrified of being alone and would hold onto someone who makes them miserable rather than risk being alone. It is a belief that they cannot take care of themselves.

Sharon has already taken the important step of both knowing that she can take care of herself alone (at least as well as together with him), and that she does have good stuff and deserves some happiness. She needs to continue to grow her self-confidence, which can happen through financial planning, making outside friends who enrich her life and being a good mom. She should review her attributes which are more than her new lower weight. She should make some future goals of where she would like to be personally in life in two years, five years, ten years. This will help her see that life will move on and she has opportunities for gratification in the future too.

Children do suffer with divorce. There is no way to completely avoid it: the two people she loves are separating and so she cannot have you both at the same time. She has to miss one of you. This is painful and it is normal that she will grieve. Let her do so and let her talk to you about her sad feelings. Tell her most children feel that way and that with time she will feel less sad, but that you understand and can let her talk about her feelings. Be on the lookout for feelings of real anxiety or depression (changes in sleep, appetite, social withdrawal or constant seeking of attention from anyone, school problems), and if there is concern let a professional evaluate her. Reassure her that you and daddy will always love her, even if your love for each other is gone. You two will always be there for her.

Her biggest fear is if you stopped loving him, could you stop loving her? You need to tell her that won't happen and how a child is different from a spouse. Try to work with your ex, for her benefit. If a mediator would help, use one. Despite anger, you need to talk about your child and do what is best for her. Argue elsewhere; do not put each other down in front of her. She needs to hold onto two parents who are good and love her. Making either one of you bad takes a parent away from her.

Reassure her you will both be there for her and love her. Also tell her, you will each be okay. She will worry you won't be, she needs to know you can each take care of yourselves as well.

On the show this morning I discussed divorce with my colleague Dr. Drew Pinsky. For those of you who have heard us in the past, you may remember that we both tend to feel that couples give up on marriage too easily these days. Divorce is costly, painful and disruptive to all involved and yet the divorce rate remains extremely high. What specifically is the upside of marriage, those of you who are struggling may wonder?

The department of health and human services lists the following trends for marrieds:

BENEFITS OF HEALTHY MARRIAGES:

For Women:
-More satisfying relationship
-Emotionally healthier
-Wealthier
-Less likely to be victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, or other violent crimes
-Less likely to attempt or commit suicide
-Decrease risk of drug and alcohol abuse
-Less likely to contract STDs
-Less likely to remain or end up in poverty
-Have better relationships with their children
-Physically healthier

For Men:
-Live longer
-Physically healthier
-Wealthier
-Increase in the stability of employment
-Higher wages
-Emotionally healthier
-Decrease risk of drug and alcohol abuse
-Have better relationships with their children
-More satisfying sexual relationship
-Less likely to commit violent crimes
-Less likely to contract STDs
-Less likely to attempt or commit suicide

For Children and Youth: -More likely to attend college
-More likely to succeed academically
-Physically healthier
-Emotionally healthier
-Less likely to attempt or commit suicide
-Demonstrate less behavioral problems in school
-Less likely to be a victim of physical or sexual abuse
-Less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol
-Less likely to commit delinquent behaviors
-Have a better relationship with their mothers and fathers
-Decreases their chances of divorcing when they get married
-Less likely to become pregnant as a teenager, or impregnate someone
-Less likely to be sexually active as teenagers
-Less likely to contract STDs
-Less likely to be raised in poverty

Divorce robs everyone involved of many of these financial, health and happiness benefits.

Yet even Dr. Drew and I agree there are times when it is reasonable to get a divorce. Certainly if there is physical abuse and also if there is chronic damaging emotional abuse (constant criticism, name calling, humiliation, socially isolating), divorce would be reasonable. I would add that disdain and contempt are two feelings that are very difficult to surmount and sometimes erode a marriage to the point where all involved are truly suffering due to the caustic nature of the home environment. Sometimes the problem is really that one partner is suffering from depression, anxiety or even substance abuse. In that case, treatment of that individual can shift a marriage back into a good and stable place.

Today expectations for a marriage are generally too high. People expect it to be fun a lot of the time, romantic, and to have a partner be very giving. They don't expect rocky roads, ups and downs, crummy periods and a lot of work to keep both the loving feelings and the sexual feelings going. Many people blame their personal unhappiness on their marriage, and this is not always the case. Many people do become unhappy because they have personal problems to work out and getting divorced is really not going to make them happier. A new spouse won't necessarily make them happier either.

Marriages take a lot of hard work and generally speaking, given the many benefits, it is worth the work. Think twice before throwing in the towel, unless the situation is emotionally or physically dangerous. If you do proceed to divorce, remember that a healthy divorce is every bit as important as a healthy marriage. So work on achieving a peaceful split where the two of you can work together for the benefit of both of you and any children going forward.

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This is a topic that seems to be getting a lot of interest, particularly on iVillage. Divorce is painful, costly and disruptive for everyone’s life including the kids. Some folks say they have found a “solution": feel divorced while continuing to live together and not get a divorce. Making a conscious decision to neither split up nor work on the marriage seems to me to potentially have a place as a temporizing measure for a relatively modest period of time. But it is certainly not a good long term solution.

Divorce is traumatic because:

• You are terrified of being alone for the rest of your life.


• The turmoil of splitting up all your possession is very scary.


• You will both take a serious financial hit.


• You will have to divide your time with the children and the long term effects on the children may be significant.

You can see the big theme here is fear. True, divorce is very scary. But to be too afraid to either be vulnerable enough to keep working on the marriage or take the leap to be on your own is akin to hiding under a rock (psychically a very dark and tight place that nothing much good will come out of).

I am a believer in working hard on almost all marriages (not where there is abuse, not when the disdain for each other is so impenetrable as to be truly toxic). You both cheat yourselves when you stay but don’t try. You leave no chance for real intimacy, sex and love either way. Often enough because humans do crave intimacy, sex and love, one of you will go off and find that anyhow in the form of an affair and the other will be deeply hurt even though you had ostensibly given up.

On the other hand, staying together temporarily when you know it’s over — whether you say it’s for the children because they need to grow up a little more, because financially you will both be bankrupt, or for health insurance — may be a reasonable compromise while working towards an amicable split. During that time you may work on the road toward a “healthy divorce” which is as important for the children as a healthy marriage. Overall, however, I would not view the non-divorce as a state to accept and retreat to, but rather a temporizing measure to make it to the other side, which, with work, could be an improved marriage or if not, a healthy divorce.

Please remember that when you post a comment to this blog, your comment and the name under which you submit it may be viewed by the public.