Why is it that women often have a friend who, at times, they really like and at other times they practically hate? In fact, sometimes it is particularly confusing because you may even be feeling you care about your friend and want good things for her at the SAME time that you really don't want her to do better in any way than you are doing.

Therein lies the answer: what seems like hate or ill will is really jealousy, envy and competition.

All humans struggle with envy, but women are less comfortable with expressing those feelings vis-à-vis another woman, particularly a friend. Men, on the other hand, will be more honest about their competitive feelings and thereby get it out in the open where it dissipates and is over. Women harbor and try to suppress those feelings, they fester and peek out in the form of feeling really threatened and wanting your friend to do badly in order that you can do "better".

Women also tend to invest emotionally heavily in their friendships and are therefore not keen on walking away. The good news is women are more willing to stick it out and be loyal and ride out the bumpy road with a friend. Men are more likely to let a friend go if it has become emotionally difficult.

Men's friendships are often more about shared activities and women's about shared feelings; if the feelings come with too many complications then a man is more likely to create distance, and this works for him. Women tend to torture themselves and keep trying to find a way to stay together, even by squashing their own rage.

Knowing it's pretty normal to feel competitive can help, because it may prevent a lot of guilt (which only adds to the intensity of the love-hate). In addition, it is helpful to have different friends and groups of friends so that no one "frenemy" crises can become too front-and-center.

If a friend seems envious of you, point out the good things that she has going for her.

For particularly envious types, don't flaunt the good; be alittle more nonchalant, yet honest.

If you are very envious, give some thought to what you are so insecure about and how to help yourself.

With obesity rates rising at an alarming rate, the race is on to figure out why. We know that there is a genetic component to body weight. We know that eating and exercise habits affect obesity. Now a new study in The New England Journal of Medicine explores the impact of one's social contact with another person as an influence on obesity.

A social group of 12,067 people from the Framingham Hear Study was examined from 1971 to 2003. They found that people who were closely connected by friendship, marriage or as siblings could greatly affect the others' likelihood of becoming obese. It was not that overweight people tended to be with other overweight people but rather that when one person gained weight, the other person became more likely to do the same. When one spouse became obese the other had a 37% increase in the likelihood that they would become obese. Siblings increased the likelihood 40% and friends had the greatest affect at 57%. Neighbors had no affect, making it clear that this did not have to do with environmental factors that were just about being in the same area. Stopping smoking did not figure into the affect and this makes the researchers believe that the affect is not do to with imitating the other person's behavior (of eating more) but rather that there is a change in what the affected person views as an acceptable weight. Seeing a friend, sibling or spouse become obese seems to make them think being obese is much more acceptable. They are more likely to accept the weight gain in themselves as OK. The effect between same-sex friends and siblings was greater than opposite sex. This is likely because people are more likely to compare their bodies to other bodies like theirs, hence the same sex.

It is known that weight loss programs that use peers to support you tend to be more successful, so it is possible that the effect described can work to help one lose weight. Being around other people who are losing weight may help you do the same. This is important information for people to have. You have more control if you realize that those around you gaining weight will mean you need to be more vigilant.

Motivate your friend, spouse, sibling to lose weight, do it together. Join a group to lose weight, the social reinforcement will help you all get the job done.

Friendships are very important to most women. They often emerge out of a similarity in lifestyle, common interests and values, educational and socioeconomic status and developmental time in life.

The issue of being in a similar developmental place means that most friends are similar in age. But sometimes women make friends with someone much older or younger than they are. Our mothers are actually our first loves and so it is not surprising that our relationship with them would lay the groundwork for love of other women. At times these older female friendships could even be a stand in for our mothers, without all the baggage.

These relationships are often tremendously beneficial to both the younger and older woman. The younger gets wisdom and the voice of experience from a woman who has lived it. She gets someone to bolster her competence and stability. She may even get someone who can be an advocate for her, as well as a nurturer.

The older woman gets someone to whom she can impart her many acquired skills, be the idealized mentor, help a person make life changes, get attention she may feel she has lost with age, and identify with the fresh start on life that the younger person has.

What these friendships lack is the competition and comparisons of same-age friendships as well as the mother-daughter baggage of an actual mother-daughter relationship. It can be a real win-win all around.

Just because you and your partner break up, does it mean you have to lose the other meaningful relationships that came with it? The answer is…maybe.

Actually one of the more painful parts of splitting up can be that the very people you want to turn to for support, to cry on their shoulder, to help fill up your now vacant time could be the people who seem to “belong” to your ex. Whether it is your ex’s friend or family members, it’s terrible to feel that part of your loss may end up being these other people you like or care about.

So then you wonder “Why can’t I keep them? “

The problem is that involvement with people who stay closely connected with your ex is likely to keep you involved and entrenched with that ex. Many split-ups are angry ones and even after many years, the anger can continue. Often your hurt makes you wish they too are hurting, and having a mutual friend keeps you checking in to see how they are doing. You tend to stay wrapped up in the drama, making it more difficult to move on. Similarly your ex is likely to feel angry that you are trying to “take” their friend and this keeps them wishing for retaliation.

Staying involved with your ex’s family can be more gratifying if it is a mutual attempt to raise the children, however, it can also be more distressing. This is because people tend to feel even more ownership about their families and therefore could feel hurt and betrayed about their family members “fraternizing” with the ex.

The big pothole is the “why” you want to stay connected. Too often it is an attempt to either hold onto your ex or a wish to torture them by making them feel envious and insecure. Neither helps you move on, heal and find someone else. It is easy to lie even to yourself about your motivations.

If you want to maintain a friendship…

1. Ask yourself why? And be honest about it.

2. Do not make the friend or family member choose sides.

3. If its family, focus on the children

4. Do not discuss the ex!

5. Reevaluate periodically if it is constructive or destructive.

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