On the Couch with Gail Saltz, M.D. | A Mental Health Blog at iVillage.com
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Results tagged “lying” from iVillage - On the Couch
Emotional affairs are on the rise because the ability to connect with more people outside of a marriage has increased. For example, there are more women in the workplace and, of course, the Internet has opened up new opportunities. Plus, it is also on the rise because many people convince themselves that as long as there is no sex, it's not an affair... but it is.
An affair really has to do with secrecy, deception of the partner and therefore betrayal. It also has to do with the amount of emotional energy you put into the new person that you therefore are not giving to your partner. Actually, most people are more disturbed by the breaking of trust than by sex in an affair. That betrayal of trust is the most difficult thing to recover from.
Watch the segment from TODAY
Many people have an emotional affair, yet due to their own denial don’t believe they are cheating. The denial keeps them guilt-free and they don’t have to give it up.
So how do you know if you are having emotional affair?
So often we don’t appreciate our relationship until we are about to lose it. If you have had an affair, you need to own up and take responsibility
Here's my advice if you think you're having an emotional affair:
So, what do you think? Take the poll and leave a comment with your thoughts below!
Get more tips and information on Today Show on iVillage
An affair really has to do with secrecy, deception of the partner and therefore betrayal. It also has to do with the amount of emotional energy you put into the new person that you therefore are not giving to your partner. Actually, most people are more disturbed by the breaking of trust than by sex in an affair. That betrayal of trust is the most difficult thing to recover from.
Many people have an emotional affair, yet due to their own denial don’t believe they are cheating. The denial keeps them guilt-free and they don’t have to give it up.
So how do you know if you are having emotional affair?
- You keep meetings and conversations secret from your partner.
- You say and do things with another person you never would in front of your spouse.
- You make a point to arrange talk time with someone other than your partner.
- You share things with another person that you don’t with your partner.
So often we don’t appreciate our relationship until we are about to lose it. If you have had an affair, you need to own up and take responsibility
Here's my advice if you think you're having an emotional affair:
- END IT! No halfway, no "kind of", no being friends…It has to end or you will still be in it and cannot build back your partners trust.
- Take Responsibility. No one else did it but you. You need to own it to get past it.
- Figure out why you did it. Was your marriage failing? Were you looking for self esteem? Repeating the pattern of a parent who cheated?
- Be trustworthy. The biggest obstacle to your relationship's survival is the betrayal, so you must be thoroughly open and trustworthy to build trust back. This means doing what your partner needs you to do (like coming home right after work, breaking off all contact with the other person).
- It takes time. Rebuilding trust after betrayal takes time. You have to be patient and can’t expect your partner to just bounce back.
So, what do you think? Take the poll and leave a comment with your thoughts below!
Get more tips and information on Today Show on iVillage
Actually everybody lies. It may be only a little, it may be “white” lies, but everyone tells lies or omits the truth sometimes.
We start lying around age 4 to 5 when we first discover that not everyone believes the same thing we do. Once that awareness sets in and the understanding of the use and power of language becomes obvious to children, they will start to use their words, sometimes to lie. This first lying is not to be malicious, but rather to see that they can manipulate their environment. Eventually children may use lying to get out of trouble or get something they want. Actually, lying is thought to be an evolutionary psychological process (something the species needs) because lying is even seen in Apes who use sign language to “Blame” something they did on another animal when they were confronted for their “naughty act."
White lies, to protect someone’s feelings with no negative consequence, are really not a problem. The person who seems compelled to lie a lot of the time about important things as well as the small stuff has a problem with lying. We often call these folks pathological liars, which is not a diagnosis but rather a description. People lie to protect themselves, look good, gain financially/socially or avoid punishment. The person who has been deceived usually cares most whether the deceiver knowingly lied or whether they deluded themselves as well and therefore didn’t purposely perpetrate the lie. People who lie a lot, knowingly, for personal gain, may have a diagnosis called antisocial personality disorder (sociopath), and these people often get into trouble with the law.
Morally, we as a society really do not tolerate liars. When a person lies, they have broken our trust and even one lie may make it impossible for us to trust them again. We are on the look out for public figures lying to us, whether it’s by fabrication or by omission. We tend to hold public figures to a higher standard than ourselves and our friends. Interestingly, however, we are more tolerant of some public figures being deceptive and not of others. We expect less honesty from politicians and more from scientists and sports figures. We have a fantasy of more purity from our athletes and researchers who are searching for truth. We imagine that politicians will at least omit truths about themselves in order to get elected and we are more likely to tolerate their lies, as long as they are not about their political work.
When you get away with a lie it often compels you to keep lying. Sooner or later the liar will stumble and be caught. Because the issue of trust is on the line (and that has the longest lasting and most hurtful potential) coming clean with the lie ASAP is usually the best tactic. Since everyone lies sometimes, the injured party is often best able to respond to the liar apologizing and “coming clean”. If confronted about the lie they then respond by insisting they did not, and it compounds the extreme of deception and the crime. If confession only occurs once you are absolutely forced to, all trust has been lost and any repair is far less likely.
As a parent the most important message you can send your children regarding lying is that you always want them to come clean with you. No matter how big a whopper they have told, remind them that you would always rather hear the truth, no matter how bad it is, than be deceived. Tell them there is really nothing more sacred in your relationship than your trust of each other. You must prove to them that they can trust you to love them unconditionally. They must trust you to set good limits for them and have their best interest at heart.
So: that means saying, “I would rather hear you went to the party I told you not to go to and are now in some trouble and need my help than continue your deception which would further weaken my trust. I will reward you for coming clean by setting a limit commensurate with the level of judgment and trustworthiness you show."
Often we are trying to figure out if a person is indeed lying and therefore whether we should trust them and risk getting hurt or humiliated. There is no foolproof way to tell if someone is lying, but there are often clues in behavior that might make you suspicious that deception is happening.
Signs of lying:
Please remember that when you post a comment to this blog, your comment and the name under which you submit it may be viewed by the public.
Watch the "Understanding Compulsive Lying" segment from TODAY:
More from Gail:
We start lying around age 4 to 5 when we first discover that not everyone believes the same thing we do. Once that awareness sets in and the understanding of the use and power of language becomes obvious to children, they will start to use their words, sometimes to lie. This first lying is not to be malicious, but rather to see that they can manipulate their environment. Eventually children may use lying to get out of trouble or get something they want. Actually, lying is thought to be an evolutionary psychological process (something the species needs) because lying is even seen in Apes who use sign language to “Blame” something they did on another animal when they were confronted for their “naughty act."
White lies, to protect someone’s feelings with no negative consequence, are really not a problem. The person who seems compelled to lie a lot of the time about important things as well as the small stuff has a problem with lying. We often call these folks pathological liars, which is not a diagnosis but rather a description. People lie to protect themselves, look good, gain financially/socially or avoid punishment. The person who has been deceived usually cares most whether the deceiver knowingly lied or whether they deluded themselves as well and therefore didn’t purposely perpetrate the lie. People who lie a lot, knowingly, for personal gain, may have a diagnosis called antisocial personality disorder (sociopath), and these people often get into trouble with the law.
Morally, we as a society really do not tolerate liars. When a person lies, they have broken our trust and even one lie may make it impossible for us to trust them again. We are on the look out for public figures lying to us, whether it’s by fabrication or by omission. We tend to hold public figures to a higher standard than ourselves and our friends. Interestingly, however, we are more tolerant of some public figures being deceptive and not of others. We expect less honesty from politicians and more from scientists and sports figures. We have a fantasy of more purity from our athletes and researchers who are searching for truth. We imagine that politicians will at least omit truths about themselves in order to get elected and we are more likely to tolerate their lies, as long as they are not about their political work.
When you get away with a lie it often compels you to keep lying. Sooner or later the liar will stumble and be caught. Because the issue of trust is on the line (and that has the longest lasting and most hurtful potential) coming clean with the lie ASAP is usually the best tactic. Since everyone lies sometimes, the injured party is often best able to respond to the liar apologizing and “coming clean”. If confronted about the lie they then respond by insisting they did not, and it compounds the extreme of deception and the crime. If confession only occurs once you are absolutely forced to, all trust has been lost and any repair is far less likely.
As a parent the most important message you can send your children regarding lying is that you always want them to come clean with you. No matter how big a whopper they have told, remind them that you would always rather hear the truth, no matter how bad it is, than be deceived. Tell them there is really nothing more sacred in your relationship than your trust of each other. You must prove to them that they can trust you to love them unconditionally. They must trust you to set good limits for them and have their best interest at heart.
So: that means saying, “I would rather hear you went to the party I told you not to go to and are now in some trouble and need my help than continue your deception which would further weaken my trust. I will reward you for coming clean by setting a limit commensurate with the level of judgment and trustworthiness you show."
Often we are trying to figure out if a person is indeed lying and therefore whether we should trust them and risk getting hurt or humiliated. There is no foolproof way to tell if someone is lying, but there are often clues in behavior that might make you suspicious that deception is happening.
Signs of lying:
- Avoiding eye contact. Usually someone makes eye contact at least half the time they are talking to you. If you notice the person avoiding eye contact or looking down during a specific time, he or she may be lying.
- Change in Voice. A change in pitch of voice or rate of speech can be a sign of lying. So do hearing lots of "umms" and "ahhs."
- Body Language. Turning the body away, covering face or mouth during the lie, a lot of fidgeting of hands or legs and a mismatch of what’s going on in one part of the body with the rest.
- Contradicting statements. Making contradicting statements that just don't hold together should make you suspicious of lying.
Please remember that when you post a comment to this blog, your comment and the name under which you submit it may be viewed by the public.
More from Gail:
