On the Couch with Gail Saltz, M.D. | A Mental Health Blog at iVillage.com
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People are feeling especially intensely about this election, not surprising given the sorry state of the nation at this point. I have been hearing from some couples that each member of the couple wants a different candidate to win this election....badly. Fear and anxiety drive a passion for a fix, so believing that your candidate possesses the cure makes you quite intent.
What happens when you feel intently for Obama and your mate feels intently for McCain? Fireworks! These couples are fighting about everything, not just national issues but it spills over into how you parent, how you clean, how you spend and of course how and IF you will have sex. Sometimes a heated argument can lead to great make-up sex, especially if it was actually a passionate exchange of intellectual ideas that neither of you take all that personally. But for a number of couples today, it is very very personal. In fact, personally, they are shutting their partner out in the non-sexual cold as punishment for supporting the "enemy".
You need to keep in mind that after November one person will be president, and you won't be married to him. You will be married to the same spouse and you will have to make that work.
Political debate is fun and exciting, a war of the Roses is not.
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Money is one of the top topics for arguing in a marriage and also one of the main reasons for splitting up. Yet as important as this topic is to discuss, it is one of the subjects couples are least likely to talk about before and during a marriage. Most couples feel it is not romantic or too personal to discuss, and so the problems mount until an explosion occurs. People come to a relationship with their own way of thinking about and dealing with money. Your money style has a lot to do with the way your parents dealt with money and also your risk-taking versus conservative personality style. In addition, in this day and age of many second marriages and step children many couples come to a marriage with debt, alimony, feelings about how much they want to spend on their biological child versus a step child, etc. These are all issues which need to be sorted out, discussed and understood before marriage. Differences between the sexes in attitude toward money also make agreements difficult to come by. Both men and women tend to be concerned about retirement and the wish to have enough money to do so comfortably. Men still make most financial decisions about cars and investments whereas women do about major appliances and things for the kids. Most fights occur over spending for both men and women; who gets to, how much, from what pot? Besides money being a limited commodity and therefore couples are scared about not having enough (hence arguments) it also represents power and couples will argue over who has the power in the relationship. Feeling that the subject of money is taboo or embarrassing is the reason couples tend not discuss even the basics and hence anger builds and festers, good feelings begin to erode between them and ultimately a big blow up occurs.
Things you need to do:
Ante up before the marriage. Many people either keep quiet about money or even lie. You need to reveal all debt from the start. It will all come out eventually, with much more anger and angst. Be up front. Find out what they owe, what they spend, what they consider to be priorities, what is their style of saving and spending. Discuss financial goals, retirement, credit cards and how you feel about debt. Discuss alimony and child support, mortgage, bankruptcy... if those apply. Also discuss how you both FEEL about money. What does it represent to you? How was it handled in your family of origin? Do you tend to be tight with it or relaxed?
Have a monthly conference. Keep up every month with a discussion of where you are financially, where you want to be. Discuss planning for children. Talk about which expenses will get a priority when money gets tight (before it gets tight). What was spent, any debt issues and plans for investing. Set aside the time and don’t have it off the cuff or in the bedroom.
Be knowledgeable. Both partners should stay informed about what is happening with the money. How much there is? How much is spent?
Make a budget. You need to agree upon a budget so both know what the other expects.
Be honest. Many people lie or omit information when it comes to money. Eventually the truth comes out and the betrayal can destroy the marriage. Be sure to be up front and honest about how you handle money. Being secretive about money is also a slippery slope when it comes to lying about other issues.
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While it’s true that romance can get a boost from a new setting and therefore from a vacation where there is more time for play, it’s hard to turn on and off romantic feelings. In order to have more romance you really have to make an effort to build it. Couples who have lost affection after years of marriage have to make an actual conscious plan to start holding hands, give each other massages, remember to compliment each other and try new things in bed.
Really any season can provide the backdrop, though summer (with more skin often showing) lends itself quite well. If you are feeling disappointed with a lack of romance, go to your spouse tonight, this very night, hold their hand and look in their eyes and say “I love you and I want us to be more romantic.” Then follow through. You will be surprised what a difference it can make!
Watching TV or being on the computer do not qualify as having fun together: They are really solitary experiences. Fun is best achieved through doing something new and even somewhat exciting! This builds great memories and a history together of good times. So try something you haven’t done before with your mate, stretch yourself and make it alittle exciting, too (rock climbing anyone?) When time is short try cooking together while talking or going to the coffee shop for a quick cup.
Any other ideas for couples looking to have a little fun? Do you and your partner take time to have fun together? Please leave a comment with your thoughts.
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An affair really has to do with secrecy, deception of the partner and therefore betrayal. It also has to do with the amount of emotional energy you put into the new person that you therefore are not giving to your partner. Actually, most people are more disturbed by the breaking of trust than by sex in an affair. That betrayal of trust is the most difficult thing to recover from.
Many people have an emotional affair, yet due to their own denial don’t believe they are cheating. The denial keeps them guilt-free and they don’t have to give it up.
So how do you know if you are having emotional affair?
- You keep meetings and conversations secret from your partner.
- You say and do things with another person you never would in front of your spouse.
- You make a point to arrange talk time with someone other than your partner.
- You share things with another person that you don’t with your partner.
So often we don’t appreciate our relationship until we are about to lose it. If you have had an affair, you need to own up and take responsibility
Here's my advice if you think you're having an emotional affair:
- END IT! No halfway, no "kind of", no being friends…It has to end or you will still be in it and cannot build back your partners trust.
- Take Responsibility. No one else did it but you. You need to own it to get past it.
- Figure out why you did it. Was your marriage failing? Were you looking for self esteem? Repeating the pattern of a parent who cheated?
- Be trustworthy. The biggest obstacle to your relationship's survival is the betrayal, so you must be thoroughly open and trustworthy to build trust back. This means doing what your partner needs you to do (like coming home right after work, breaking off all contact with the other person).
- It takes time. Rebuilding trust after betrayal takes time. You have to be patient and can’t expect your partner to just bounce back.
So, what do you think? Take the poll and leave a comment with your thoughts below!
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While I agree with the concept that sometimes when you are not in the mood and you just push yourself to start having sex and you will find you get in the mood, I also believe if you can never say “NO” then “YES” never really means “YES!”. In other words, it is important to make sex important in your relationship. Sometimes this means making a serious effort at it even when you are not feeling so inclined. But, if you feel like you can never not be in the mood, never turn your partner down, never disappoint him, then the likelihood you will ever genuinely feel excited is not going to be there. Having a good sexual life does mean prioritizing it. It means talking about how to make it better with your spouse. It means taking into account how your partner feels about it. But it does not mean ignoring your needs and desires.
What both couples seem to have really learned is how much closer and intimate sex can make you feel, even when you have been married a long time. This is because we are all at our most vulnerable during sex. It is an open, honest and tender time. You each get to see and feel more of the human essence of your mate. You have put it out there -- in terms of what you like, what you don’t and what you are thinking about. This is both exciting and scary, which is why so many people back away and erect a wall against such intimacy-- to avoid the risk of rejection. It is so important to be sensitive to each others' vulnerable state and be as supportive as possible. At the same time, such revelation is very exciting when you feel really safe and honest and loved just for being you with your partner.
I think the takeaway from such an exercise is that sometimes you just have to get going to break through those initial sexual barriers that may have been built up over many years. What is on the other side is most certainly worth having.
What are your thoughts?
Women, on the other hand, are more able to turn to their role as wife and mother for their sense of self-worth. The problem for women is that their family and peers may not understand the terrible loss and sense of failure for her because they expect them to beperfectly happy with the wife/mother role alone. Unemployment can be terribly difficult for a couple to deal with, as each partner may have their own reaction to their spouses' loss of work. These include fears about the families financial security, feelings about how this makes them view their partner and effect this will have on their children. Sometimes the person who lost their job is so ashamed they may push their partner away leaving them feeling helpless and alone.There is a huge connection between the economy and mental health. Money is one of the biggest stressors. Losing your job and being unable to make ends meet leaves people anxious and can even lead to depression. You may remember during The Great Depression, bankers jumped from windows and ended their lives over the panic and shame they felt from being financially ruined. I am seeing marriages flounder under the stress of the current recession. Angry and scared couples fight more and look to the other to fix things... When people can't, there is disappointment and frustration. Less money equals more money fights. Shame makes people turn away from friends and family who would normally be their support, and hence they are alone while feeling terrible. People who had mental health issues to begin with and were therefore at greater risk for depression now feel they can't afford to seek treatment, and so they get worse.
Divorce is never easy. How do you know when it is time to walk away? When is it time to go to marriage counseling? What sort of conversations does a couple need to have in order to bridge the gap?
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What is loneliness?
Married or not, everyone has some time they spend alone. But not everyone enjoys it. The fact is to some degree we are all alone, in that no one can ever be at one with us “really”. On the other hand, metaphorically, we can feel at one with someone for periods of very intimate time. This happens in great friendships and great marriages. Still, even with your soul mate, there are times you will be alone. Alone simply means no other human being is with you. Alone time can even be intensely enjoyable if it is experienced as a freedom to do what you want and if you have the self confidence to think that your own company is pretty darn good. Loneliness is a feeling of emptiness, abandonment and rejection. You do not need to be alone to feel lonely and lonely is not a good feeling.- My (spouse/partner, child, friend) gets on my nerves.
- My (spouse/partner, child, friend) makes too many demands on me.
Likely explanations are that children grow up and spend less time with you and you can pick, switch up and get rid of friends. But spouses stay with you and live with you, and over time, it seems, all this togetherness allows irritations at habits and differences to grow and fester. Demands that once were a little annoying seem a lot more annoying over time.
Most importantly is for people to know that some of these feelings are really normal and do not mean that you don't love each other anymore or should split up. It does mean finding better ways to communicate what is really a problem and tolerate what isn't such a big deal. It also means reorienting expectations so that you stop pining for perfection when "pretty happy" is much more reasonable.
Marriages inevitably present challenges. You and your spouse likely have different opinions, backgrounds, feelings, wishes and ideas about how to do things in life. Every marriage goes through its trials and tribulations as a couple works out these differences or weathers lulls in the passion. So if you are going through a rough patch, how can you tell if your difficulties are something you can manage on your own or if you need to seek marriage counseling?
Marital counseling is designed to help you rebuild, repair and improve your relationship. It may on the other hand help you decide if, in fact, you would be better off splitting up. Typical kinds of problems that benefit from counseling are infidelity, financial problems, blending families, sexual problems, conflicts over parenting, how to argue, physical or mental illness, and substance abuse.
So what if every discussion ends in an argument, or your spouse is avoiding talking at all? What if the sex has ended? What if you know you've got problems but can't figure out how to fix them?
Here is how you know if you need to get to a professional:
1. If most communication ends in fights, hostility, is antagonistic or if there is any kind of violence.
2. If one or both of you has withdrawn from the other.
3. Sexual problems or infidelity.
4. If problems in the relationship have resulted in one or both people suffering depression, insecurity or turning to drinking or someone else.
5. If you know the marriage is in trouble or you are only staying for the kids.
A marriage counselor will usually meet with each person individually and then the couple together. They will give you tools to understand each other and to resolve your conflicts. They can work towards your ability to problem-solve and argue better. Usually they will meet with you once a week and depending on whether this is for a sudden crisis or more longstanding problems they will see you for several sessions or several months. Look for someone well trained, who has experience specifically in the issues you are facing in your marriage. Therapy is never easy work but it can make a world of difference in your relationship.
It is true that as one ages there are issues that come up, both physical and psychological, that can put a real crimp in your sex life. In fact, a third of people post 50 report having real sexual problems that range from erectile dysfunction to loss of libido. But, that also means that 75% of people are not reporting a problem.
As age goes up, so do medical problems and use of medications, both of which can interfere with sexual functioning. Many couples kind of give up once they don't feel like it or sex is fraught with some failure or disappointment. Once a couple throws in the towel, it is highly unlikely they will get back to sex. The point being that a problem should be addressed as soon as it arises. Sometimes hormone replacement is needed or a medical problem addressed or medication changed, and certainly above all there needs to be discussion about improving the sex and trying new things to see what might work.
Many couples, however, report the best sex they have ever had after 50. Both men and women may become more comfortable with their bodies, know what works best for each other, and feel generally less inhibited. They don't have to worry about pregnancy and birth control--though they should continue protected sex unless this is their longterm, STD free and monogamous partner.
While there are certainly more challenges to sex after menopause and with advancing age, the idea that there is no great sex then is a myth. If you are experiencing difficulty, see your doctor to check medical issues and hormone levels.
Remember that this time requires more communication and openness, but there is much to be gained!
I will discuss on the TODAY Show what happens when your partner has a wandering eye.
First off, it is worth saying that humans all have some measure of voyeurism and exhibitionism: we like to look and we like to show. Some of us like it however, more than others. I tend to hear more distress from women about their male partner looking at other women and how much this bothers them.
Both men and women are visual, but it is true that men tend to look more at women's bodies than women checking out men, but women having a wandering eye is on the rise. Men also tend to think about sex more times per day than women and this becomes a part of their looking.
Still, there is looking and there is LOOKING. Most people are not very bothered by the occasional glance. But blatantly checking out, commenting on, repeated admiring of and certainly flirting or touching usually feel quite undermining to a partner. Such behavior makes one feel unappreciated, and even threatened in the relationship. Unless both parties are confident of the others' affection, appearance, and fidelity it generally will stir envy and hurt.
It's helpful to know that some people don't really realize what they are doing and how it makes you feel. You really do have to point it out, make them aware of it and how it makes you feel. Many partners, once told how hurtful and disrespectful it is to you, will make an effort to curb such behavior, but the hurt party will often have difficulty explaining how they feel.
Make it clear: you don't expect them to wear blinders, or stare at the ground; just don't ogle. If your partner really won't make any effort to change and doesn't appear to care how it makes you feel, it's likely you have other such issues and couples therapy may be in order. Most important is to be rational and reasonable in your request. Being unreasonably jealous with unreasonable requests is likely to make your partner throw out the baby with the bathwater and pay you no heed.
Also make sure you do give your partner positive feedback and admiration because everyone needs that and if you don't at all, they may be "looking" for that feedback elsewhere.
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Did you find yourself having a conversation with your spouse when suddenly it dawns on you, "Are they just like my mom or dad?"
The phenomenon of choosing someone who either looks like, acts like, or thinks like one of your parents is extremely common. The reason is actually pretty simple. Your mother or father were your first and most important childhood love object. Little boys love their mothers smell, her look, her laugh. Little girls think their dad is the biggest, strongest and handsomest man on the planet.
This, of course, eventually changes and as kids become teens, they see all their parents flaws and faults. Their deep and all encompassing love gets buried and they move on to other loves. But somewhere unconscious that romantic love remains, and so one often finds oneself attracted to someone who reminds you of that first love. Often, however, it happens unconsciously, and so you may not even realize how much your spouse is like a parent. The similarity could be disguised, too. Maybe it's just their sense of humor, their comforting style; a passion they share.
Being like mom can have an upside AND a downside. The feeling of being safe, being nurtured, being perfect for you, are all potential benefits of having them be like mom. But what about that incredibly annoying habit, their temper, how nit picky they are when a spouse has features of your parent that you found very difficult for you growing up? It can carry both a heavy weight and a lack of ability to spot.
What may be their being a neat-nick can suddenly drive you crazy without realizing that it's not really about them. It's about how crazy your mom made you by being a neat freak and getting on you to clean up.
Sometimes the longing for a parent whom you never got enough attention from can also cause you to seek out a parent-lover. If dad was too self absorbed to notice you, constantly critical, or dies when you were young, then you may be instantly drawn to the "father type." Women who date or marry men decades their senior can definitely fall into this category, and it can all lead to disaster when the whole relationship turns into more of a parent-child seduction than a healthy relationship. Similarly, the mama's boy, who can never quite get enough of mom may pick a mommy-like wife, but she may also
find that her husband still dotes on his mom a lot.
Marrying your parent need not only be the parent of the opposite sex. Though attraction to the opposite sex parent is what Freud meant when he referred to the Oedipal Complex, he noted (and it is seen in children) that there is also an attraction to the parent of the same sex - in addition, you love both parents deeply. You may have picked traits that belong to the same sex parent in your spouse because they are things you admired or needed.
As long as your spouse doesn't remind you so much of your parent that you can't stop thinking of that parent, even in the bedroom (obvious yuck factor) there can be a lot of pleasure in having a wife or husband like your mom and dad, including the likelihood that your mom and dad will like them.
But, if you are blowing up at your spouse a lot because of things that do remind you too much of things in your parents that aggravate you then you need to consider a few things.
Tips
1. Why do you hold onto your parent? If you are so bothered by the same traits, perhaps you are accentuating the similarities by holding onto them. Do you really still need mom/dad in an unhealthy way? Time to examine this and consider why you don't feel more okay without the parent.
2. What's your role? Are you in some way bringing out the worst of the trait that bugs you? Sometimes it's your own wish to repeat the role you played with a parent that brings out the worst of this in your spouse. So, for instance, if dad was really critical, did you pick a man and then be a doormat to him, asking indirectly for his criticisms?
3. Are you too sensitive? Sometimes we are very bothered because in fact this was a sore spot with our parent. If your mom was very neat and always on your case about being messy, then it may be you are extra sensitive on this point. So as soon as your wife asks you to clean up, you go ballistic. Try to take a look at your own sensitivity.
4. Tell them your sore points and why. Your poor spouse may have no clue why they feel pulled into these particular dramas. It really helps the relationships if you can tell them what your sensitive spots are and why. Then they don't have to take it all as personally.
With improving methods of fertility treatments and with the ability to have babies at an older age comes families where the gap between the last child and next child is really substantial, eight years and more. This kind of family dynamic brings unique challenges and joys.
Older children initially may be upset by the concept that their parents are having another baby. They may worry that their parents will be so preoccupied by the new child that they will get less time and attention.
How can they see a baby as a sibling if they are a teenager and thinking about school, dating and fun with friends? The pregnancy (evidence their parents do in fact have sex) often "weirds out" the older kid who does not want to think about the mother's body or parents who have sex.
Often once the child is there, the older ones grow comfortable with this cute , smiling, loving baby. While parents may appreciate that their older one is able to really be a caretaker, babysitter and substantially pitch in, asking your older child to give up his or her social life for this purpose can have really negative consequences. Parents need to remember it was their decision to have another child, not their child's. Making them the little mom or dad is bound to create tremendous resentment. It's important to let your older child take the initiative and feel they have some say.
What an older parent may lack in energy, they make up for in wisdom and experience. In fact some parents make this choice because they feel their first child's upbringing blew past while they were busy trying to make a living, and that they want to have the experience again. This is not necessarily the best reason to have another child, but realizing that you do want to spend more time with a child can mean that all your children benefit.
Dealing with very different issues at the same time also presents a challenge. One minute you are helping with midterms or a boyfriend problem, the next is finger-painting. Switching headsets can be hard, but also fun. Each set of issues requires you to be flexible and versatile, good traits to develop.
Suggestions.
Expect initial resistance. Your older children may not be happy about it. Give them space and understanding, give them the chance to express themselves and come around on their own.
Tell them about themselves. Everyone loves to hear what a cute baby and kid they were. Tell them the stories and it will get them in the groove for the approaching baby.
Respect their time. If you ask them to babysit, then compensate them like any sitter. A bit of family chipping-in is important, but asking them to cancel their own social plans to take care of a sibling will breed resentment.
Be ready for comments. People are curious and often overstate their opinions. Be ready for, "Are all those yours?" or "From the same marriage?" It's human nature (albeit not pretty) but being prepared with what you want to say will make it have less effect.
Click here to watch the "Baby Gap" segment on the TODAY Show.
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Everyone is competitive. We all like to win. We all enjoy being the best. We compete at work with colleagues, with friends over accomplishments and kids and appearances. We compete with other parents over how much we have accomplished and how good a parent we are.
But what about with your spouse? Ideally, one would believe that spouses don't compete, that they are a team. In a perfect world your spouse wants what is best for you and for you to be your best. But competitive drive does not stop just because you love someone and are on his or her team. Spouses do compete, they just are not always aware of it in themselves and in each other.
Competitions range from who seems to be the better parent to better career, who makes the most money, has more friends, is the better cook, to even feelings about who has the better "deal" in bed.
What??? You think I can't be serious, but believe me I have seen plenty of couples where one thinks the other is having more fun, orgasming more easily, getting what they want more of the time and as a result they feel envious.
Generally speaking this kind of competition has to do with normal drives and a little insecurity. The greater the insecurity about your own abilities, the more likely you will feel competitive. If you feel uncertain about your ability to have success or feel nervous about your identity, then when your spouse performs well or treads into your identity/space (like if your hubby makes a fantastic meal over which your friends rave, and you thought of yourself as the real cook in the family), then you may feel "HEY, that's my purview!" You may also feel at the same time that you are very appreciative that he pitches in and proud of his ability to cook.
Similarly, if he is being great with the kids, and they are in a period of being particularly close to him, you may feel both happy that he is such a great dad and also competitive that he may be doing "better" as a parent and the kids are going to like him better.
These are really normal feelings and the important thing is to be aware of them and be able to talk about them so that you don't just grow angry and allow it to be destructive in the relationship. Competition is normal as long as you can keep it in perspective and avoid real anger, resentment and taking it out on your spouse. Instead talk about your feelings and be supportive and reassuring to each other. Point out your spouse's real strengths and help them to be the best they can be. If you bring out the best in each other your marriage will thrive.
Today on the Today Show we discussed a new poll about infidelity. Here is a little more information about infidelity.
Danger signs.
No one wants to believe a partner is cheating; unfortunately this sometimes means that you stick your head in the sand and ignore all the signs. The message becomes “go ahead and I won’t look”. So there may be continual cheating, and anger will slowly build until it erupts and makes repair even more difficult.
If you ignored the signs you are bound to feel more humiliated once you look back and realize they were there all along.
1. Acts distant
2. Works late hours
3. Wants less sex, or when has sex has new moves
4. Mentions some new person a lot
5. Is angry, or overly nice
6. Sudden interest in appearance
7. Has some new behaviors
8. You find yourself thinking a lot about how he would never cheat (this means it's on your subconscious mind and you are being consciously defensive).
Cheating Myths:
Once a cheater, always a cheater
There is such a thing as the serial cheater, someone who, for his or her own psychological problems (who can’t tolerate being truly intimate) needs to keep moving from partner to partner. But this is more the exception than the rule. Most either cheat for long periods of time, or one-night stands, but not repetitively.
Cheating means your marriage is bad.
It can, but cheating often comes from some psychological conflict that is unresolved on the part of the cheater, i.e., a woman whose father rejected her may chronically cheat with older men to get approval of her father. An individual problem can cause cheating even when the marriage itself was in decent shape. Once the person has worked on the issue the marriage may be OK.
She was after him, so its not his fault.
Don’t blame someone else. The cheater is ultimately responsible for his or her own actions.
In order to get over it, you need to know every detail of the affair.
You need to know the “who”, “what”, “where” and “did you love her?” of the affair in order to have a packaged story that you can digest. But knowing how many times they did it, and which position, and which motel room is just going to feed the flame and make it more difficult to move on and forgive.
I can’t forgive if I can’t forget.
You won’t forget and frankly you shouldn’t forget because pretending it never happened could encourage it to happen again. But you can CHOOSE to forgive and need to make that a conscious decision if you want to save the marriage.
Marriage is hard, yet rewarding. It takes a lot of work to maintain a good marriage. Adding children into the equation adds even more complexity and can make it more stressful. And when the children are his and you are their stepmother, you now you have a real tightrope to walk. The wicked stepmother is infamous for a reason. No matter how much the kids like you or how wonderful you are you still REPRESENT the hard reality that they cannot live with their mom and dad together.
In addition, they may be very afraid that their dad has replaced their mom with you. If they like you, this will make them feel guilty because they will feel disloyal to their mother. They may react by distancing themselves or trying not to like you. You also represent the end of their hope that their parents will reunite and life will go back to having with both parents. When parents split up, the kids also fear that they, too, could stop being loved and be left. They may fear that their father will love you more than them and so they will lose him.
It’s helpful to understand where children are coming from emotionally during this time so you won’t take their behavior personally and react with a counterattack if they are treating you like an unwelcome interloper, torture until you, too, want to leave, or try to show Dad you were a big mistake. You are in tricky territory because mothers are usually the primary parent, yet in this case they have a mother and you are their stepmother. So you need to think pro-actively about how to handle these new relationships rather than waiting for problems to arise. Here are important things to consider.
1. Don’t force the relationship. You can’t make them love you. Relationships take time to develop. If you seem desperate for their affection this will likely turn them off. Try to let them come to you at their own pace.
2. Make yourself very available. Be around for them to come talk to you if they feel like it. Just hanging out to watch TV or go food shopping can be the times they find to warm up to you.
3. If you don’t have biological children, then make an effort to learn about children’s development, in particular about the ages of your stepchildren and what you can expect from them. You can read about it in parenting books, go to parenting lectures or just talk to friends with kids.
4. If you have your own children too, make sure to spend independent time alone with both your own children and your step children so your biological children do not feel pushed out and threatened and your stepchildren feel there is a space for them with you.
5. Do not criticize your stepchildren’s biological mother. No matter how angry she makes you or how tough she may be, these children need to maintain their own relationship with her and they will feel hurt and angry if you speak badly of their mother.
6. Get on the same page with Dad about discipline and privileges. Sit down and compromise until you have some meeting ground about the basic rules for the kids. If you are inconsistent they will play you off one another and it will cause discord between you and your spouse.
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