Most women have sometime in their sexual lives faked an orgasm. Not only that but they also have likely faked being aroused in the first place, or possibly faked experiencing what their partner is doing as feeling good. There are many reasons women fake it. Most women will tell you it is to please their partner. Women feel tremendous pressure to preserve their partner’s ego and fear he will be crushed if they don’t appear to orgasm. Women also think that in order to hold onto their man (keep him from finding a more satisfying partner) they have to appear very hot in bed which they believe translates into having an orgasm all the time. Some women fake it for other reasons. Many women are self conscious about the amount of time it takes them to climax. Rather than being uninhibited about how long, how much stimulation and what kind they need, a woman may chose to just fake it and not have to “expose” her needs to her partner. There is also a group of women who really don’t know how to have an orgasm. They feel very inhibited and have not been able to explore what work for them, let alone tell or show a partner how to help them climax. This group will often fake orgasms to avoid revealing what feels like a “defect” in their body or sexuality.

The problem with faking it is that it becomes a real vicious cycle. Once you fake it, he thinks he is satisfying you and therefore has no reason to try new things or ask you what would feel better…after all you appear to be feeling about as good as it gets. In the meantime, you may be feeling increasingly angry at missing out as well as hopeless about ever getting to experience what you are missing. The angrier and more dejected you feel during sex, the less likelihood you have of feeling truly connected to the sexual experience. As you distance yourself your chances of being really aroused diminish.

Should you ever fake it? In a nutshell, NO! Some women describe on occasion that they don’t feel like expending the energy it may take them to have an orgasm on a particular night. In this case, tell him that orgasms are not the end all be all for you and that sometimes the closeness and intimacy of sex is just what you are in the mood for. In other words, be honest. So what can you do if you have been faking it in your relationship and now feel stuck?

1. Come clean without hurting him. If you say, “You know all our great sex for the last decade, well I’ve been faking it…” you will really devastate him. I don’t recommend that. Instead tell him you have been having more difficulty achieving orgasm lately and would like to experiment with some new things. Then stop moaning and screaming unless you really feel that aroused. Next you have to tell him what you think would be worth trying to see if it works.

2. Give specific directions. If he has been left in the dark you really have to give him specific directions. “To the right, that’s great, a little softer…” The man cannot read your mind so tell him or show him what works.

3. Give yourself more time. It does take more time for many women and if you are in some race to beat the clock you probably will cave in and fake it. If you ask him, he’d probably say he would be happy to work at it with you all night. Many women think things like.. “he must be getting bored.” Or “he’s wondering what’s wrong with me”. These are your thoughts ladies, not his. Most men find sex to be loads and loads of fun and would be very pleased to spend as much time stimulating you as you would like.

4. Educate yourself. If you don’t know how to stimulate yourself, it will be difficult to tell him how to. First learn how to touch yourself and reach orgasm then you will be able to show him what works.

5. Communicate. Tell him that orgasm is not the only goal for you in lovemaking and that sometimes you are really quite content to enjoy the affection and closeness. Make it clear you will let him know if you do want to have an orgasm and that you will help him to help you. In the end truly pleasing you will bring both of more pleasure and closeness.

Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.

There is a real range when it comes to women having orgasms. There is a likely biological difference between women (though exactly what that might be is not known). Some women have a lower threshold for orgasm and other women a higher threshold. This reflects differences in sensitivity.

There is a big psychological difference between women in that some women are more uninhibited than others and can let themselves go without guilt or shame and this makes it easier for them to have an orgasm. Anxiety interferes both psychologically and biologically (in the brain by blocking certain neural pathways) with reaching a climax. Lastly there are differences in education levels about the body and sex. Some women simply know a lot more about how to have an orgasm than others.

Women take on average 20 minutes of stimulation and arousal to have an orgasm; men take quite a bit less. Women also have more variation in what they find to be stimulating as well as having more difficulty defining exactly where and how stimulation works best. Only 20% of women are able to orgasm with intercourse alone; most women need some sort of direct clitoral stimulation.

Many things can interfere with a woman's ability to have an orgasm: some medications (antidepressants and antihistamines are big offenders), anxiety, depression, alcohol (more than a little), old myths and inhibitions about it being wrong or scary to enjoy sex, hormonal changes.

Of course sex really means pleasuring yourself and your partner and this does not necessarily include having an orgasm. Sex can be fun and wonderful without. However, many women find the release of orgasm to be an important component and many men are really excited and gratified by their partner reaching orgasm.

One of the biggest impediments for women is that they have never really understood, looked at or examined their own genitals. They have not really figured out what kind of stimulation and where feels best for them, so they are not able to guide a partner in this. Many men don't know either, unless they have had a partner who has really shown them, and even then because each person is different they cannot know what works for you.

Many women are afraid to ask questions because they feel if it's not obvious, it must be because their genitals don't work properly and they can't have an orgasm. This is really untrue, but such a powerful belief can certainly keep you from becoming aroused enough.

If you are trying to climax but haven't been able to, or if it's very difficult for you and you wish it were easier, here are some suggestions.

1. Self-Stimulation. It's hard to say enough good things about how important it is to know yourself. Even if you have a partner, you only stand to make things better by practicing alone, when the pressure is off, to find out what works best for you and discover how to show him too.

2. Try a Vibrator. A battery-operated vibrator can help "break through" an obstacle to climaxing. Once you have had the experience several times, it will give you confidence that you "work just fine" and allow you to replicate that stimulation on your own or with your partner.

3. More direct stimulation. You can't count on intercourse alone to provide enough stimulation. You may need to have you or your partner stimulate the clitoris more directly, manually, orally or with a vibrator.

4. Use fantasy! You need a good fantasy to boost arousal enough to climax. Thinking about what you should make for dinner tomorrow during sex is not going to do it.

5. Try new things. Like with anything else in life, the "same old, same old" can get boring and boring does not go well together with orgasm. So mix it up and try new things to increase your arousal.

Today on the show Drew Pinsky, M.D., and I discussed what to do when your partner has a sexual problem. This was a segment for women specifically when their male partner was experiencing a sexual problem.

Most common problems for men are: Erectile dysfunction, a sexual desire that is much higher or much lower than your wife's, and premature ejaculation. These issues are all treatable, but most couples never get help because they are so uncomfortable about the issue that they do not discuss it and do not seek help.

Erectile dysfunction may be the first symptom for a medical problem (like diabetes, or cardiovascular disease) and therefore new ED should prompt a visit to the doctor for a check up and a testosterone level check (another less likely but possible culprit in ED). Many men feel so ashamed of the ED that they definitely do not want to go to the doctor. Talking to your husband about the possibility that it is a medical issue, and that you would even like to go with him to the doctor often really helps.

Desire differences are extremely common. There are many techniques to raise desire in the lower desire partner, again, if you talk about it.

Premature ejaculation affects many men and can be treated with using a technique called the "Stop-Start Method". Condoms often help by reducing stimulation and even medication temporarily can rectify the problem.

But no help can occur when , to avoid the conversation, both people pull toward their own side of the bed and avoid having sex altogether. This is a common though unfortunate occurrence.

It is best to have the conversation out of the bedroom, when both of you can feel less vulnerable. Pick the kitchen on a drive or some other neutral territory.

Open with how you notice this problem and you love him so you want to put your heads together to make it better. Ask if there is any stress at work, with other relationships, financial worries … all of which could be the culprit.

Ask about any problems between the two of you, another likely culprit.

Suggest you go for the checkup to be supportive and rule out that possibility and then also consider a certified sex therapist who can work with you on specific tasks and treatments to help.

Sex is an important part of every marriage, and keeping it healthy keeps the relationship healthy too.