Money is one of the top topics for arguing in a marriage and also one of the main reasons for splitting up. Yet as important as this topic is to discuss, it is one of the subjects couples are least likely to talk about before and during a marriage. Most couples feel it is not romantic or too personal to discuss, and so the problems mount until an explosion occurs. People come to a relationship with their own way of thinking about and dealing with money. Your money style has a lot to do with the way your parents dealt with money and also your risk-taking versus conservative personality style. In addition, in this day and age of many second marriages and step children many couples come to a marriage with debt, alimony, feelings about how much they want to spend on their biological child versus a step child, etc. These are all issues which need to be sorted out, discussed and understood before marriage.

Differences between the sexes in attitude toward money also make agreements difficult to come by. Both men and women tend to be concerned about retirement and the wish to have enough money to do so comfortably. Men still make most financial decisions about cars and investments whereas women do about major appliances and things for the kids. Most fights occur over spending for both men and women; who gets to, how much, from what pot? Besides money being a limited commodity and therefore couples are scared about not having enough (hence arguments) it also represents power and couples will argue over who has the power in the relationship. Feeling that the subject of money is taboo or embarrassing is the reason couples tend not discuss even the basics and hence anger builds and festers, good feelings begin to erode between them and ultimately a big blow up occurs.

Things you need to do:

Ante up before the marriage. Many people either keep quiet about money or even lie. You need to reveal all debt from the start. It will all come out eventually, with much more anger and angst. Be up front. Find out what they owe, what they spend, what they consider to be priorities, what is their style of saving and spending. Discuss financial goals, retirement, credit cards and how you feel about debt. Discuss alimony and child support, mortgage, bankruptcy... if those apply. Also discuss how you both FEEL about money.  What does it represent to you? How was it handled in your family of origin?  Do you tend to be tight with it or relaxed?

Have a monthly conference. Keep up every month with a discussion of where you are financially, where you want to be. Discuss planning for children. Talk about which expenses will get a priority when money gets tight (before it gets tight). What was spent, any debt issues and plans for investing. Set aside the time and don’t have it off the cuff or in the bedroom.

Be knowledgeable. Both partners should stay informed about what is happening with the money.  How much there is? How much is spent?

Make a budget. You need to agree upon a budget so both know what the other expects.

Be honest. Many people lie or omit information when it comes to money.  Eventually the truth comes out and the betrayal can destroy the marriage. Be sure to be up front and honest about how you handle money. Being secretive about money is also a slippery slope when it comes to lying about other issues.

Get more tips and information at Today Show on iVillage

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Related content from Dr. Gail Saltz:

• Surviving the Stresses of Recession
• Financial Panic & Mental Health
  

It seems that summer often reminds us of romantic adventures. Running through the surf holding hands, kissing in the sand, toasting with a fruity cocktail. So I see many women who are feeling particularly put out that their summer is not feeling any more romantic than the rest of the year, and on a passionate scale of 1 to 10, it’s about a 2.

While it’s true that romance can get a boost from a new setting and therefore from a vacation where there is more time for play, it’s hard to turn on and off romantic feelings. In order to have more romance you really have to make an effort to build it. Couples who have lost affection after years of marriage have to make an actual conscious plan to start holding hands, give each other massages, remember to compliment each other and try new things in bed.

Really any season can provide the backdrop, though summer (with more skin often showing) lends itself quite well. If you are feeling disappointed with a lack of romance, go to your spouse tonight, this very night, hold their hand and look in their eyes and say “I love you and I want us to be more romantic.” Then follow through. You will be surprised what a difference it can make!

A new study out of the University of Denver showed that couples who have more fun time together also report more marital satisfaction and good feelings about their partner. This seems rather obvious I suppose, but the interesting thing is that for the most part couples are working very hard to be able to afford some fun and yet they aren’t taking any time to do that. In fact, another recent study found that couples are spending less time together than ever. Between trying to make a living in these tough economic times and being a very present parent, couples are finding it hard to make some “we” time. Sadly, the fact remains that no fun times may lead to real marital disaster, which besides being painfully tragic, costs a whole lot of money that most couples can afford even less.

Watch the segment from TODAY

In addition, men and women seem to have different definitions of fun. Men define play by a shared activity, like going to a game or playing tennis together. Women define play by getting to have intimate conversation like they would with a close friend. This means that each needs to know what fun is to the other and make some attempt to meld those two wishes.

Watching TV or being on the computer do not qualify as having fun together: They are really solitary experiences. Fun is best achieved through doing something new and even somewhat exciting! This builds great memories and a history together of good times. So try something you haven’t done before with your mate, stretch yourself and make it alittle exciting, too (rock climbing anyone?)  When time is short try cooking together while talking or going to the coffee shop for a quick cup.

Any other ideas for couples looking to have a little fun?  Do you and your partner take time to have fun together? Please leave a comment with your thoughts.

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Emotional affairs are on the rise because the ability to connect with more people outside of a marriage has increased. For example, there are more women in the workplace and, of course, the Internet has opened up new opportunities. Plus, it is also on the rise because many people convince themselves that as long as there is no sex, it's not an affair... but it is.

An affair really has to do with secrecy, deception of the partner and therefore betrayal. It also has to do with the amount of emotional energy you put into the new person that you therefore are not giving to your partner. Actually, most people are more disturbed by the breaking of trust than by sex in an affair.  That betrayal of trust is the most difficult thing to recover from.

Watch the segment from TODAY

Many people have an emotional affair, yet due to their own denial don’t believe they are cheating. The denial keeps them guilt-free and they don’t have to give it up.

So how do you know if you are having emotional affair?

1. You keep meetings and conversations secret from your partner.
2. You say and do things with another person you never would in front of your spouse.
3. You make a point to arrange talk time with someone other than your partner.
4. You share things with another person that you don’t with your partner.

Most people were actually not looking for an affair. They find themselves interested in a new person and it becomes a slippery slope.  At some point, if the relationship continues it often does lead to sex. The person may start to depend on them for the emotional highs and good feelings they give throughout during the day.

So often we don’t appreciate our relationship until we are about to lose it. If you have had an affair, you need to own up and take responsibility

Here's my advice if you think you're having an emotional affair:

• END IT! No halfway, no "kind of", no being friends…It has to end or you will still be in it and cannot build back your partners trust.
• Take Responsibility. No one else did it but you.  You need to own it to get past it.
• Figure out why you did it. Was your marriage failing? Were you looking for self esteem? Repeating the pattern of a parent who cheated?
• Be trustworthy. The biggest obstacle to your relationship's survival is the betrayal, so you must be thoroughly open and trustworthy to build trust back. This means doing what your partner needs you to do (like coming home right after work, breaking off all contact with the other person).
• It takes time. Rebuilding trust after betrayal takes time.  You have to be patient and can’t expect your partner to just bounce back.

So, what do you think?   Take the poll and leave a comment with your thoughts below!

Get more tips and information on Today Show on iVillage

Dr. Gail Saltz was on the Today Show to talk about the connection between your partner and your weight. Is your partner making you fat? A recent study shows how much your significant other can have to do with your diet. Gail Saltz and nutritionist Joy Bauer have details.

Watch the segment from TODAY What do you think? Do you think your partner contributes to weight gain? Is there a connection? Leave a comment below!

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Related content from Dr. Gail Saltz:

• Do your friends make you fat?
• Emotional Eating

Today on the show we heard from an author who wrote of her romantic involvement with a man in prison for murder. Why, you might ask, would a woman seek out a relationship with a criminal?

This weekend John Marc Karr was arrested for domestic abuse and his relationship with a 22-year-old woman came to light. His girlfriend sought him out after his public arrest regarding the JonBenét Ramsey case. Again: Why would someone seek out a relationship with someone who has been seen as a possible pedophile?

The possible reasons are infinite and likely vary depending on the psychological makeup of the woman in question. However, there are several more common possibilities. Aggression and Evil have always been of interest to people. To some it is particularly thrilling and exciting. Some women are drawn to the idea of committing a crime, and while they may never do so themselves, they are attracted to a man who has committed a crime and it allows them to identify with his sadism and aggression. They vicariously enjoy his disregard for authority and his brutality. They can imagine being him - without actually doing the bad thing. In this way, a man like Charles Manson was able to draw women to him who would participate in his crimes or at least be involved with him.

Another reason is the rescue fantasy. Some women feel an overwhelming desire to save a man, to champion the sinner and redeem him, to take evil and bring it back to good. Sometimes this is because they feel they are bad and wish to be saved, sometimes it is because they were abused and wish to imagine changing their abuser into a person who would never have hurt them.

Sometimes it is a fantasy of being powerful enough to give absolution and to heal or cure. Given that Mr. Karr's girlfriend started their relationship by offering a bible verse about forgiveness, this may have been her motivation.

Sometimes such liaisons are a matter of one psychiatrically ill person finding acceptance from another. Mental illness often makes people feel marginalized and rejected. They may seek out another who seems to suffer and feel rejected and take comfort in forming a bond where they will not be pushed away.

Loving a man behind bars is also "safe" for the woman who fears intimacy. The relationship will only go so far, she can seem to be whoever she likes because he will not see her in real life and she can restrict how much they see each other and tell each other. In fact the relationship can remain mostly a fantasy, which for the woman may be all she really wants.

Understanding what desires and fears drive the wish to bond with the unavailable and dangerous man is the only way to stop the self-destructive behavior.

Watch Gail Saltz's "Love Behind Bars" segment from TODAY:

Click image to view.

A commitment phobia is a fear and subsequent avoidance of having to commit to anything — especially a relationship. Being involved with someone afraid of commitments can be both frustrating and perplexing. In addition, being afraid of any commitment is no picnic either; life is pretty lonely. While there may be many reasons for this fear, it often begins when a child has a loss of an important person in their life. When a child experiences losing a parent to divorce or if a child’s parent dies; the loss can be so traumatic that the child may always fear losing a loved one. This fear of loss and rejection keeps the commitment-phobe from risking getting attached to anyone. Being a witness to spousal abuse may also induce a fear, a fear of getting hurt or being a hurter and cause the child witness to grow into an adult who never wants to get married.

If you have ever dated someone who says they want to be with you desperately and seems to chase you with incredible zeal till they catch you — and then suddenly turns cool and critical? You may have stumbled onto a commitment-phobe.
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There are several typical behaviors for the start of a relationship:

1. At first, they have aggressive interest, give lots of compliments and professions of love. Once they know you’re hooked, they suddenly create distance, act trapped, “need space”, criticize you and almost seem to search for a good reason to break up.
2. When a relationship is working well, they annoy or hurt you in an attempt to blow the relationship up.
3. They get very involved and then break up, only to come back to you and break up again and again.
4. They cannot discuss marriage or even living together.
5. They have unrealistic ideas of how perfect someone has to be for them.
6. They pick “unavailable” partners so they don’t have to worry about commitment.

If you know you have a fear of commitments, getting psychotherapy to understand the roots of your fear and resolve them can really help.

If you are in a relationship with someone that you think has a fear of commitment, try to discuss it with them. Be empathetic rather than critical, which will only drive them away. Tell them you understand that it is scary for them but that in order for you to stay with them, they have to get help. If, however, you can see the signs in someone before you are in too deep, you might want to move along to a partner without this issue. Working out intimacy with someone afraid of it is no easy task. There could be a lot of heartache in store, with no certainty of a possible happy ending. It could be time to go looking for a more stable possibility and hope for satisfaction.

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Just because you and your partner break up, does it mean you have to lose the other meaningful relationships that came with it? The answer is…maybe.

Actually one of the more painful parts of splitting up can be that the very people you want to turn to for support, to cry on their shoulder, to help fill up your now vacant time could be the people who seem to “belong” to your ex. Whether it is your ex’s friend or family members, it’s terrible to feel that part of your loss may end up being these other people you like or care about.

So then you wonder “Why can’t I keep them? “

The problem is that involvement with people who stay closely connected with your ex is likely to keep you involved and entrenched with that ex. Many split-ups are angry ones and even after many years, the anger can continue. Often your hurt makes you wish they too are hurting, and having a mutual friend keeps you checking in to see how they are doing. You tend to stay wrapped up in the drama, making it more difficult to move on. Similarly your ex is likely to feel angry that you are trying to “take” their friend and this keeps them wishing for retaliation.

Staying involved with your ex’s family can be more gratifying if it is a mutual attempt to raise the children, however, it can also be more distressing. This is because people tend to feel even more ownership about their families and therefore could feel hurt and betrayed about their family members “fraternizing” with the ex.

The big pothole is the “why” you want to stay connected. Too often it is an attempt to either hold onto your ex or a wish to torture them by making them feel envious and insecure. Neither helps you move on, heal and find someone else. It is easy to lie even to yourself about your motivations.

If you want to maintain a friendship…

1. Ask yourself why? And be honest about it.

2. Do not make the friend or family member choose sides.

3. If its family, focus on the children

4. Do not discuss the ex!

5. Reevaluate periodically if it is constructive or destructive.

Please remember that when you post a comment to this blog, your comment and the name under which you submit it may be viewed by the public.